My husband's funeral wasn't for ME...

[ScreamingMeemie]

I wasn't even there. I was in the cushioned space that keeps the mind from shattering when the unthinkable has happened.

His service was not for me, my kids, his mother or brother. I would say it wasn't for his closest friends and confidants. None of us was really present. Shock can be the best drug of all. It certainly wasn't for him. We actually went against his wishes in having one. At least the wishes he and I had talked about in those fleeting moments when young marrieds talk about the thing that will never happen to "us".

It was for those who were drifting in the senselessness that was his death.

I did have it videotaped. I am glad I did. 37 people got up to speak of the man I married. Coworkers, once close friends, my parents, neighbors and bosses. I learned things that I had not known my husband had even done. When a coworker was in the hospital (a young man) for the placement of a pacemaker, my husband stopped by his house every night with groceries and treats for his wife and kids. I did not know that.

His best friend stood up and told of how he (my husband) was more of a brother to him in ways that his blood born brothers were not. Our neighbor's son called him the father he never had and lamented on how he took him for granted. Another neighbor spoke of how he always reminded of her Bo, from some soap opera super couple. Frivolous maybe. But a treasured comment to me.

In short, it was a beautiful celebration, that I was glad to experience at a later date. That I am glad to have for my children. So they can always remember who the man was that they lost at the moment they needed him most.

It did not end there. His best friend decided that the natural course of action would be to have a big drunken bonfire that night in our backyard. "One more for Leonard"...because my husband loved lighting a fire, handing out beer and just sitting with friends. And we did. Many got drunk, some got unruly, loud music played. His drunken cousin cornered one of my favorite DUers for hours long political rants (he's a Republican), even lying in wait when she tried to escape through a bathroom visit. Distasteful sounding "memorial", but necessary.


Why am I telling you this? Because there is no right way to "properly" memorialize someone. These are people in pain, especially those removed from the direct shock. Again, in my opinion. I can only speak from the experience I had. I am not angered that people were laughing and drunken and foolish... even under the horrific, tragic events of the Sunday before. I realized, later, it was who he was at heart and what he would have enjoyed.


I'm sorry to have taken your time speaking of my own pain. It still consumes me and the events of this past week and the horrible way that we still (myself included) treat those of like mind here on DU brought it to the forefront. Have a good night, and a better tomorrow.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. Beautifully said, my dear Mrs. G...

Thank you.

:hug:

[Pathwalker]

2. Thank you for this. Very moving.

[spanone]

3. k&r

[lunatica]

4. Thanks for sharing that

Everyone grieves in their own way.

[kimi]

5. Thank you

You did not take my time. I am glad to read this, glad to hear about your husband's gifts, and glad that you honored him the way that he would have liked, I think.

Peace to you. Hugs.

[proud2BlibKansan]

6. ....

:hug:

[mmonk]

7. You too.

Thanks for that post.

[Behind the Aegis]

8. big ole hug for you!

:hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

15. Back at you.

I miss you

[beyurslf]

9. Thank you for sharing.

Something my family always does when we lose a loved one is come back to someone's house and every one takes turns telling something funny about the one we lost. We laugh until we cry and then cry until we laugh. Maybe some families would think that callous but it is how we grieve and celebrate.

[Cerridwen]

10. Reading your post was time well spent. Thank you.

I'm sorry for your loss. There are no words.

:hug:

[Webster Green]

11. Absolutely beautiful!

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for writing this!

[peace13]

12. Thanks for this!

It's all in the moment. Peace and love, Kim

[riverbendviewgal]

13. I can relate with you

My 26 year old son died in 1999 and his dad died in 2001....They both had cancer at the same time, diagnosed two months apart.

I can say I only remember bits and pieces of their memorials...and I was the one who planned them.

My friends were helpful. and remember more than I do.

My husband was so distraught when our younger son died he could not attend the memorial.

When my husband died 18 months later our older son almost didn't attend the memorial \


I recently saw a doctor for a thyroid health problem and went over my times of stress. I told him of their deaths and he asked how did you get over it. I said "I haven't. "

In time you will not feel daily intense pain but it will be there.... Please try to live in the now and enjoy those you love, friends and family.

[HillWilliam]

21. There's the thing about real grief

It never really goes away, but in time you learn where to put it.

:hug: :hug:

[babydollhead]

25. I am so sorry for your losses. nt

[emilyg]

14. Thank you. Hug.

[Jeanette in FL]

16. ....

A beautiful read, Mrs. G

:hug:

[Bluebear]

17. Beautiful words from a beautiful soul.

:hug:

[JCMach1]

18. Well said!

rec

[hobbit709]

19. Yours sounds a lot like the memorial I had for Donna

We played some of her favorite blues, told stories about her, etc. I spent most of the time just sitting there but I was able to laugh more than once.

[HillWilliam]

20. .

:hug:

Thank you for putting it to words. I haven't been able to, but there you did; exactly and beautifully.

[malaise]

22. Lovely post

Rec

:grouphug:

[Ferretherder]

23. The world needs more people like your husband,...

...AND YOU, in it. My deepest sympathies for your family's loss. I only know one thing for sure - your children have the memories of an obviously wonderful, caring father, and the continuing guidance of a nurturing, deeply thoughtful mother to help them navigate life's journey.

You and your husband are, and will always be, very special people.

[Solly Mack]

24. Thank you..that was beautiful!

:hug:

I was touched...it really spoke to me.

[babydollhead]

26. thank you for writing this

here is a quote by Edna St. Vincent Millay'
"The greatest gift I ever gave you, was to outlive you. But that is much."

[myrna minx]

27. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

All of my best to you. :grouphug:

[WinkyDink]

28. Thank you.

[NOLALady]

29. Thanks for sharing.

:hug:

[Blue Owl]

30. K&R

Thanks for these wise words.

[rbnyc]

31. Thanks for talking about this. (nt)

[Jamastiene]

32. K&R

:hug:

[FourScore]

33. I know exactly what you mean. What a great idea to videotape it! n/t

[DeSwiss]

34. K&R n/t

[Uncle Joe]

35. Kicked and recommended.

Thanks for the thread, ScreamingMeemie.

[Red State Prisoner]

36. What an excellent post. Thank you for sharing!

When my mother passed away, we spent that day in a crazy rush. Between the constant flow of visitors and finalizing funeral details, the day passed in one big blur. The one thing I'll always remember though was how we spent that evening. I remember staying up into the wee hours of the next morning drinking, laughing, and remembering the good times with my sister, father, and some of my mother's favorite nieces. After having spent a whole day in grief and sorrow, I can't imagine a better tonic for that ache inside. I'm quite sure my mother would have approved. :)

[Demeter]

37. My Condolences, Ma'm

May you find comfort still exists.

[wryter2000]

38. No one has a right to criticize how people celebrate memorials

All memorials are celebrations, and only the people involved have any right to decide how they're carried out. Your husband's celebration sounds like one I would have loved.

[bigwillq]

39. K and R

Thanks for posting. :hug:

[webDude]

40. Thank you! Your sharing helped to make some sense of my Mother's passing.

You and yours are in my prayers. He sounds like a wonderful man.

[abq e streeter]

41. You certainly didn't take my time..You generously gave of yours, and I humbly thank you

for your gift of your time and words.

[BrklynLiberal]

42. Beautiful tribute....

[inna]

43. one of the best du posts, ever

[cate94]

44. I am sorry for your loss

Videotaping was a stroke of brilliance.

It sounds like you all memorialized him in the best way, from your hearts.

Thank you for sharing with us. :hug:

[Kajsa]

45. Thank you.

I am so sorry for your loss and
the grief you and your family are
enduring now.

Thank you for sharing your story
with us.
I wish I could take away the pain.

:hug:

[jonnyblitz]

46. ....

:hug:

[pnwmom]

47. And this piece of writing is another beautiful memorial to your husband.

Thank you.

[FailureToCommunicate]

48. Your heartfelt post is a 'reason to keep going". Thank you and

I am so sorry for what has been taken from you.

I could relate in my own way having set up a memorial service for my younger brother in the recent past. I too am glad it was recorded, so I could hear all the kind remarks with a -somewhat- clearer head. It was especially important for the thank yous that really needed to be conveyed.

Wishing you, also, a better tomorrow,

A fellow DUer

[howaboutme]

49. I'm sorry to hear of your loss

I wish there was something that could be said to ease your pain. Your post was a wonderful tribute.

[BobTheSubgenius]

50. Gosh, it's got kind of blurry in here.

BEAUTIFUL post....and what abq e streeter said.

[usregimechange]

51. Must have been a good guy, thanks for sharing.

[Maraya1969]

52. When my lover died I had just the opposite reaction. I got to the funeral

home early and stayed, mostly at her coffin or in the front row, until our time was up and I had to leave. I am very grateful that I had the opportunity of sitting by her and holding her hand and kissing her check when I said "goodbye".

So yes, everyone does grieve in different ways. No one can say what or how or when.

I'm sorry you lost your husband.

[tpsbmam]

53. Sorry? OMG, we're so fortunate to have shared this with us.

Absolutely nothing to be sorry about! An exquisitely beautiful post. Thank you.

:cry: :hug:

[tpsbmam]

54. Sorry? OMG, we're so fortunate to have shared this with us.

Absolutely nothing to be sorry about! An exquisitely beautiful post. Thank you.

:cry: :hug:

[MadMaddie]

55. Thank-you for sharing your story with us

In the black community in which I grew up and still today funerals are at times somber but they are also celebration of life and if you will the afterlife. Big Gospel choirs and a preacher that is preaching in that gospel way....

I am sorry for your loss and your families loss.

[MrMickeysMom]

56. Be glad that you've spoken here...

... I am glad to have read what you shared.

May time heal your pain and keep you remembering him with joy. :hug:

[PassingFair]

57. You left out the part about the Brussels Sprouts.

:hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

59. ...and edible fish flies...

I miss you so much.

[Duncan Grant]

58. KnR

:hug:

[Manifestor_of_Light]

60. Thank you for that.

:grouphug:

I am very pleased at the trend nowadays for people to stand up at funerals and speak with their individual remembrances of the deceased person. I think that is healthier than just letting the funeral director and a minister do all the speaking. Also, people bring family photos and sometimes show slideshows or movies. So there is more individual and family input, helped by technology.

And the laughs and telling of good memories is healing and cathartic. It helps people deal with the loss of the person.

I think the people who tell other people that there is only one way to grieve are missing the point. Or maybe they are just humorless recta.

:wtf: