Mother's Day thoughts for mothers who have lost children

[bobbolink]

http://ih3.redbubble.net/work.5391158.1.flat,550x550,075,f.in-honour-of-women.jpg

As many of you know, my son was kidnapped when he was 8. It caused many years of pain, resulting in illness, which caused other trauma.

For so many years, Mothers Day and my son's birthday were more than I could bear. It is better now, but I think of other mothers who share this emptiness.

It can never heal, but I hope we all find some solace now.

Peace to all......

Bobbolink

[w8liftinglady]

1. Peace to you,friend

[bobbolink]

6. Thanks, Beth. I can smell the fresh forest aroma in that photo.

I think of the women who have lost young children, and are made to feel like they can't even voice it.

mntleo2 has been writing of the tragedy of having children taken, and it is on my mind. Somehow, we must find a way to keep families together. It's a grief that never leaves.

And there are so many mothers who have lost their sons and daughters in war. :cry:

Thanks for the thoughts, Beth. :hug:

[NYC_SKP]

2. No words.

But thank you for posting, I have friends who have lost young ones.

:grouphug:

[bobbolink]

12. Thank you, and my thoughts are for your firiends, also.

Today I think of all the mothers who have lost sons and daughters in the wars, and in the gettoes.

We MUST do better for our mothers!

:yourock:

[uppityperson]

3. k&r.

[Sienna86]

4. Mother's Day

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you peace.

[bobbolink]

14. I appreciate your kind thoughts. I also think of the mothers who have lost children because

they couldn't afford health care for them.

We MUST do better for our mothers and children!

[aj_cd]

5. have no words

sorry, I have tried, but everything seems so empty compared to what you have shared.

[bobbolink]

23. thank you so much and welcome to DU!

I know the words are hard... they are hard for me, too.

Just knowing that you are thinking of me and other mothers who have lost children means a lot!

:pals:

[demmiblue]

7. I can't even imagine...

blessed Mother's Day to those who have had their children taken away far too soon.

This mother honors you. :hug:

[bobbolink]

24. Thank you so much. There are so many of us, and we are forgotten.

It is supposed to be a day of love and joy, and we are seen as downers, so we are ignored.

Thank you for your sweet thoughts for all of us!

:hug:

[riderinthestorm]

8. Peace to you too. nt

:hug:

[bobbolink]

26. .

:hi:

[BanzaiBonnie]

9. There are no words, I can't even imagine

But I have felt your sorrow. I knew it was deep. It must be an emptiness than nothing can fill. TIme has softened edges of the hole but it's still there.

Mother's Day was started as a mother's day of peace. Peace to you my friend.

[bobbolink]

32. Yes, the sorrow goes deep.

There are so many of us who have suffered in ways that others don't know, and it makes people so uncomfortable that they react in very inhumane ways.

As I keep saying, we must do better for our Mothers and Children in this country, and we MUST learn how to relate to each other in peaceful and strengthening ways.

[Terra Alta]

10. I didn't know about your son. I'm so sorry.

I'm not a mother, so I can't even imagine to know what it feels like -- but my thoughts and prayers go out to you. :hug:

[bobbolink]

34. Thank you, Terra Alta. There are so many mothers who have lost children in so many different ways.

I think its important to remember that it isn't a happy day for many, or a bitter-sweet day for those who have lost one but still have others.

I find it strange that on Mother's Day we do't particularly remember mothers who have sacrificed sons and daughters to wars.

Wasn't that part of the original Proclamation?

[oftheforest]

70. bobbolink.....I'm so sorry to hear of your loss

That is the way I refer to Mother's Day.....bittersweet....I still have a wonderful son, but the sorrow will always be there for the son that is no longer here. I would very much like to celebrate Mother's Day, but all I can manage is to observe it.

[rubberducky]

11. ((((((( Hugs to you)))))))

Sweet Bobbolink this day must hurt your soul. I hope that you find peace for yourself.

[bobbolink]

36. It does hurt. Thank you for recognizing that. There are so many of us who hurt in this way,

and so many who like to say things like "Get on with your life", "It is in the past, time to go forward", etc.

Thank you.

[Starry Messenger]

13. ((hugs))

[bobbolink]

37. Thanks for being there for me.

:hug:

[Danmel]

15. As a mother I cannot even begin to imagine something so horrifying

My deepest sympathy to you . May caring thoughts give you a small measure of comfort. And yes, we really must do better and reorder our priorities.

[bobbolink]

16. Thank you so very much, and what you said is so healing for me.

When it happened, there were some people who said, "What kind of mother are you to let such a thing happen?"

You can imagine what that did to me. Guilt on top of grief. The cruelty....

It took me years to realize that what they did was quickly go through in their heads just what you said.... that it would be horrifying to have it happen to you, and they couldn't allow themselves to consider that, so they turned it on me.

Years later, during Columbine, when I was hearing the same things being said about the parents of the shooters, it really got to me, and I was having flashbacks. I finally called the hotline number and said I didn't know anyone involved and wasn't connected in any way, but it was affecting me, and she assured me that it was OK to call, and that I wasn't the only one. As I unburdened myself to her, she let me know that she understood and empathized. I said that what I had learned was that these people were being cruel to the parents, because they couldn't bear to consider that THEY could be parents of shooters, and lose them in that way. She agreed completely. The pastor who ministered to the families and buried one of the shooters was run out of town for having show compassion to these parents.

That is the kind of cruelty that so many of us have experienced after a loss of our children, and this is also what we must do better... we MUST learn how to deal with our own feelings, rather than project them in such cruel ways, and we MUST learn how to listen and care... even when we think someone has been to blame.

I know that very few people are even remotely close to being able to deal in that way, but that is the ONLY way we are going to be able to come close to any sort of PEACE.

Thank you for understanding, and reaching so kindly. Given what DU has become, I was NOT comfortable before with talking about this... as you can see, I don't need more of the vitriol that DU has become well-known for. But if speaking of this shows even one person what we need to do to make this country more hospitiable for mothers and children, then the risk was worth it.

Thank you... I appreciate your kindness more than you know. :hug:

[hardcover]

18. Hugs for you. I am holding you in my heart.

[aj_cd]

27. people can be so stupid and cruel

My stepson died at 32. All through his illnes he was supported by his Mom, Step-Dad,his Dad and me. We went to be with him to help and carry him to treatments etc. During last month, his mom called and said, "Drs. say this is it, get here" We went and lived with him at his Mom's for last weeks of his life. He died with both Dads holding a hand and me and his Mom hugging and holding each other up.
At funeral, people hearing where we were staying made ugly jokes and said rude things because we were all living in same house. I was shocked, and I have to admit, some got replies from me that were pretty rude. oh well.

I thank you for sharing this with me today, and I will keep you in my thoughts for more than just today. You are a Hero in my eyes.

[bobbolink]

38. Thank you for bringing this to light. We have always been a rather clueless people in this regard,

but now it is turning harsh and cruel.

I hope that people who read your words here will see what it does to people, and learn how to be healing and strengthening, rather than harsh.

I can very well imagine what things were said... I have heard so many that leave me gasping for air.

I am sorry... certainly NONE of you deserved that, and we must find ways to bring more awareness and kindness to this nation.

I will be thinking of you, and hope to hear more from you. You are a great addition to DU.. Welcome!

:hug:

[tammywammy]

17. ...

:hug:

[Manifestor_of_Light]

19. Peace to you.

My mother lost a child. My father lost a child.

My older sister died when she was in her early 40s from brain cancer.

It destroyed Mom, it destroyed Dad, it destroyed me.

It was over 20 years ago, but I think of Mom, Dad and my sister every day.

[bobbolink]

21. The loss of a child is so devastating. It is so against how things are supposed to be.

:hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

20. Many hugs to all of those women whose arms are empty. I suffered two early

miscarriages when first trying to start a family, and I remember how very broken my heart was each time. I can only imagine how much more painful it is for the moms who lost their babies and older children. :cry:

Again, many hugs to you and all the other moms who have suffered as you have. :grouphug:

[Auntie Bush]

45. My son died 11 years ago and it's still very hard...though much better.

Just TODAY :cry: my daughter brought my sons ashes home. I couldn't bear to have them around to remind me until now. I haven't looked at the urn yet...maybe tomorrow.

[bobbolink]

48. The pain is tenacious, isn't it? I am so sorry......

:hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

49. Oh my goodness. I am so sorry. *hugs*

[bobbolink]

54. You have chosen very apt words... "Empty arms". I have known women who have had

miscarriages, and I know how painful it is. All the hopes and dreams.... crashing....

One of the worst parts is the insensitive things people say to try to get you not to feel anything... "Well at least you didn't have the baby yet, so you can forget about it and have another." etc.

I'm so sorry you went through this and happy that you now have some fine children!

:loveya:

[GreenPartyVoter]

66. The words were actually the title to a book a friend gave after my first miscarriage. And yes, it

really fit so well.

It's hard for people to understand, I think. To them there was no baby. Heck, even for myself I didn't know I was preggers until I miscarried. But I lost my dreams with each of those pregnancies. I wasn't mourning the past life I shared with a child but rather the future I dreamed for them. For us.

And I do have some fine kiddos now. :D I like to think they are the same two that tried to come to me before. It just took extra tries to make it!

[bobbolink]

72. I'm glad you had a friend sensitive and caring enough to send you such a helpful book!

What some of us have gone through with ugly, critical people is a SIN.

And part of it is people who think they have the right to keep asking you personal questions! After a while, you feel like a research project, rather than feeling any compassion coming from them.

Thanks for including those pictures... cute buggers! :hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

73. Yes, I was very lucky that way. And thank you, I agree they are super cute! :^D

(No bias on my part whatsoever! LOL)

[emilyg]

22. Peace. Many hugs.

[bobbolink]

60. Thank you!

[TuxedoKat]

25. I'm so sorry

I didn't know about your son either. I don't know what to say. One of my brothers was killed when he was five. I know it was really difficult for my mom to live with this for many years, still is, I'm sure. One time when we were talking about his loss my mom said she didn't laugh for a long time. Then one day she did and thought, what is that strange sound -- she didn't recognize the sound of her own laughter. (((HUGS)))

[bobbolink]

44. I can really relate to your mom's lack of laughter. It also must have been hard on you siblings.

At least I didn't have other kids, and feel like I was neglecting them. Little graces, huh?

Thanks for the hugs.... needed and gladly accepted, and returned. :hug:

[maryf]

28. k&r

:hug:

[Festivito]

29. Remember well and heal well.

I had the honor of taking out two such moms yesterday. Each lost their only offspring. So, now I have two moms where I once had just one. We all need each other.

Reach out and heal well.

[bobbolink]

39. For a long time, I couldn't deal with any memories.. it was all too painful.

But now, you are right.. there are some funny things he did as a child that I enjoy thinking of and repeating. It is all there is left.

I'm glad you took out the moms yesterday... we who no longer have children are usually ignored because we don't fit in the day, and other people don't know how to handle it. You handled it just right... win/win! :yourock:

[Iwillnevergiveup]

30. I can't begin to imagine

the grief you've lived through over the years. You are most courageous, Bobbolink.

K&R

:hug:

[bobbolink]

47. Thank you so much. I suspect that often parents who have lost children may *wish*

they didn't go on.

I met an author from the Netherlands who was on a speaking tour, and asked me if I had children. When I told him the story, he just came at me with open arms and sobbed. He said he had been away from his children for 2 weeks, and couldn't imagine what I had been through.

That was so healing for me.. that someone shed my tears for me, and understood what I was going through.

I appreciate your words. I don't think its courage as much as ..... just continuing to breathe.

:hug:

[mntleo2]

31. I was at the hospital and could not respond to this ...

...the loss of a child is beyond pain, it is a pain you carry for the rest of your life. The unnecessary loss such as in the legal kidnapping that is happening to low income mothers is in some ways even worse. Because not only do you have the loss but an institutional blame that seeps out into your life by others, when you are innocent.

Yesterday I spoke with a grandmother whose granddaughter was taken and adopted without so much as even being considered as a place to be raised. She was grateful because CPS "let" her get pictures and updates from the adoptive parents. However that does not replace the horrible loss to both because the grandchild will never hear important stories about their own people that gives them their own identification, and the grandmother will never receive so much as a hug and offer a lap and a story to her grandchild.

I was the aunt of one of such adopted child. I was fortunate enough to have contact all along as this child grew up (she is now 22 years old). Eventually the family and I became close and we are now family in a way that is not traditional, lol.

I hear from the adoptive mother all the time that if I had not been there to tell her about our family traits, she would never have understood her daughter like she was able to do. While we were not related and our stock was quite similar, STILL there were important things that she was puzzled over until I explained about our own family. This was a child raised almost from birth in her adoptive family, and it became quite evident over time that environment is not everything, genetics is a huge part of a child's life.

So to deprive a child of that environment so they can understand themselves better, is beyond cruel unless it is the last resort, not the first one as is being done now to low income mothers and their children. Where excuses are made by the authorities blaming the mother so they can take her child for profit ~ that is beyond cruelty for all. While this kind of loss is not the same as the finality of death, it is just as painful, perhaps even more painful.

Dear Bobbie, I know the loss and while this day for me was blessed because I had my three of my children with me and I could tell them all how important they are to me, still there are the lost ones I grieve and always will because there is an empty shape in my heart that only they can fit into.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Love
Cat

[me b zola]

55. Thank you

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Too emotional right now to explain why, but really, you are wonderful. :hug:

[bobbolink]

57. Yes, Cat is a treasure!

:grouphug:

[undeterred]

33. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I didn't know.

:hug:

[bobbolink]

59. Thank you. That means a lot.

:hug:

[NotThisTime]

35. You are not alone, I have a friend who has lost two, heartbreaking time of year right now for her.

I'm sorry for your loss and the trauma that followed. Nobody should have to endure what you and my friend have endured.

[bobbolink]

61. Yes, it is heartbreaking for so many of us..... and there isn't much recognition of that, is there?

Can you imagine trying to find an appropriate card???

Please give your friend a :hug: for me.... I know its such a hard time to get through and keep breathing.

[NotThisTime]

74. I know and agree. My friend is hanging in there but it's only been a few months... it's a tough go.

No card, no words can help. It's one's own inner battle, and although we are there and waiting, we talk, it's an inner battle I know she feels. My heart goes out to you and to her and all the mothers who have lost their children, there really aren't words....

[bobbolink]

75. No, not like we want to make it be.

I had to go it alone, and it will never end for me because of that.

This is the kind of Rugged Individualism that does so much damage.

I was just talking with a woman today whose third daughter was killed in a plane crash when she was 11. This woman had a lot of people reach out and help, and people who would listen.

She was very supportive of me because she can't imagine what it would have been like if she had had NOBODY.

so, no... it isn't what we want to make it out to be in our rugged individualist society.

[BlueIris]

40. Thanks, bobbolink. I also think of this group often, because

I feel our society still ignores them. ((( bobbolink )))

[bobbolink]

41. Ignored, indeed. Remember the days of Gold Star Mothers? Just one segment of the group,

but still..that is much more than now.

I guess we make people so uncomfortable. Like people who are unrec'ing this thread. ??

thanks for thinking of us.... I think there are many more than is recognized!

:grouphug:

[Cyrano]

42. Dear Bobbolink: I never knew about this. And I never understood

what was behind many of your posts.

Please accept my deepest wishes that you may find a bit of happiness under unbearable circumstances.

Perhaps, some day, something will occur to set your soul at peace. My thoughts are now with you and will continue to be.

I've kicked and recommended this thread so that others on DU will become aware of your unbearable pain and your grace under a circumstance most cannot begin to imagine.

[Withywindle]

43. You're in my thoughts, Bobbolink

I am so, so sorry for your terrible loss.

I've learned a lot from talking with people on this board. I don't wish people I don't know well a "Happy Mother's Day" anymore, because I've learned to empathize with this being a difficult and painful time, for many people for many reasons. I don't know what a stranger's sorrows might be and it's presumptuous and can really hurt someone.

I think as a society we are deeply uncomfortable with deep grieving and trauma. People want to distance themselves out of a fear that it's "contagious" somehow, or that they want desperately to believe it couldn't happen to them. So it leads to people being callous to those who suffer so terribly. It's not right. It needs to be made better.

I wish peace and comfort to everyone who's in mourning on Mother's Day and every day. :hug:

[bobbolink]

53. What a beautiful, beautiful response! You are a rare person who is able to hear the pain of others,

and have the sensitivity to absorb it and let it modify your own behavior. Few people anymore are able to do that.... I commend you!

You are definitely right about the presumptious part, and I don't know what to do about that. People in this society just ARE.

Often what we need to most is people who can just LISTEN. We usually don't have places to just be honest and real, and that is probably the biggest tragedy of all. Our emotions are all we really have of our own and we are expected to hide them in this society.

I thank you for your sensitivity, and your warm heart. :hug:

[Auntie Bush]

46. I'm so sorry Bobbolink! What an awful tramatic never ending thing to have to endure.

Hugs,:hug: and healing prayers coming your way. Bless You:grouphug: to all us mothers and fathers who have lost children.

My favorite picture of my son has a sunset in the background (Sarasota Bay) similar to that photo. It brought back a lot of memories.

[Dem1988]

62. Ditto.

:hug:

[bobbolink]

64. Thank you! And welcome to DU!

:hug:

[bobbolink]

63. I hope the picture didn't add more pain. :( We truly are all in this together.

You know... I think back to my days in the women's consciousness raising groups, and wish that we had something similar to share this. While we aare weakened from this experience and often are left with not much left over to give, all we really have is each other.

Blessings to you! :hug:

[joshcryer]

50. I did not know this bobbolink! I'm so sorry to hear that tragic story!

:cry: :hug:

Sorry I was too late to rec this, we spent a long mothers day with the whole entire family, was pretty good.

[bobbolink]

65. Thank you, Josh! As you can see, there are a few of us here who share this tragedy.

Its why my heart is so much with the Libyan mothers.. their grief just never seems to end.

:hug:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

51. Oh, Bobbolink, I didn't know about this

I've never had children, but I've seen how devastating such a loss is.

And it is so true that Mother's Day is a sad day for those who have lost children--and for those of us who have lost mothers recently.

I and four of my friends have lost our mothers since January. It was a real bittersweet day, and we commiserated.

But later that day, when I went out shopping, all these store clerks in different stores wished me "Happy Mother's Day." OK, I'm old enough to be a mother (grandmother, actually) but I'm not, although I would have liked to have been, and I don't even have a mother anymore.

No, Happy Mother's Day is not something you should wish to a stranger.

[jillan]

52. Bobbolink, I never knew this. I wish you nothing but happiness, my friend.

:hug:

[me b zola]

56. I didn't know, bobo

Prayers and loving & healing thoughts being sent to you. :hug:

[bobbolink]

58. Thank you so much. That means a lot.

There are so many "empty arms" as Green Party Voter has described us... for so many different reasons, but it all results in pain.

:grouphug:

[kimi]

67. I did not know, either, of this tremendous loss

Ever since I had my first child - I was 17 - my greatest and most horrible fear has been that I would lose one of my boys (I have 5 now). I cannot begin to fathom what it would be like to experience that loss. It's something that I think every parent thinks about - they walk up to the periphery of that thought and then, it's too terrifying and overwhelming to continue to contemplate. We step back, and the thought is gone, but for you and others who have experienced that loss, it's never gone.

I can't imagine, I can't imagine. My thoughts are with you, and all other parents out there who have shared this experience.

Peace. :hug:

[Quixote1818]

68. K and R

[renate]

69. I didn't know...

... I've been without words before at the tragedies that people share here, but this leaves me without breath, too.

I am so deeply sorry.

I really mean this and wish it didn't just have to be a picture: :hug:

[laylah]

71. I did not know of this

tragic loss. I am SO sorry (((((Bobbolink))))). Peace to you. :hug: