Miss Republican Presidential Nominee Pageant and Tea Social

[McCamy Taylor]

Tonight, on CNN, there was enough glitter and bright lights to make Bert Parks proud. First Wolf summoned the contestants onto the stage. They included

Huntsman representing the great state of 9/11. How orginal

Cain representing Pizza Yum!

Bachmann representing Obamacare. Sorry, I mean representing the opposition to Obamacare. She said the word so many times that it sounded like she was trying to sell it.

Romney, from the state of Jobs. Still planning to bypass the primary and run for the general I see. Smart thinking, since the Tea Party crowd that is going to determine the winner gave him the kind of reception most people reserve for the dead possum under the porch. If you have never smelled a dead possum under the porch, you probably don’t know what I mean, but I know one man who almost certainly has and this is the next contestant

Perry representing I’m not ashamed to be from Texas So what if George W. Bush and Dick Cheney proved to America that Texas only grows two things---village idiots and dicks? Perry is proud to be both.

Paul from Liberty. As usual, his groupies were loud and cheerful, even though their candidate does not have a snowball's chance in hell of being anointed by the guys in the smoke filled room that will select this year’s nominee.

Gingrich from 9/12 Wow! He knows what day it is! I guess it really is true that he used to be a history teacher at a Georgia college.

Santorum representing I can get Democratic Votes in the General. This from a man who lost his seat in a purple state.

Just like Miss America, they asked the contestants a bunch of questions that were designed to show off their knowledge. And just like in the Miss America contest, knowledge counted for about 5%. What really counted? How can you tell at a contest being judged by a bunch of folks who believe that they should pay higher taxes so that the rich can dine on caviar seven nights a week instead of just six?

I am not a Tea Partier, but here is my best guess as to what they were thinking, based in part on their enthusiastic (and sometimes inappropriate) screaming. About 50% of the score is determined by how many personal attacks were levied at the contestant. In other words, in an election when the nominee will be rolling in enough Super Pac money to buy the entire state of Virginia and maybe Maryland, too, who was the man (or woman) to beat?

Perry was the clear winner with 14 attacks from the other contestants. Romney came in second with just five attacks. Huntsman got two and Paul got one. I think that just about sums up the selection process right there, but it was a long 90 minutes and whole bunch of other stuff happened, and like I said before, you never know what goes on in the mind of Tea Partier. So, here are some of the other selection criteria.

20% is determined by how much the contestants want to win. Here, Bachmann, Romney and Santorum were tied with four attacks against other contestants each. However, I think Romney wants it more, because he even went out on a limb and praised Ann Richards so that he could criticize Perry in comparison. Gingrich and Huntsman each tossed out three. Front runner Rick Perry is apparently either so convinced of his victory that he is no longer trying or he does not really want the job, because he only attacked twice. Cain, the pizza mogul must be running for Vice President, because he was careful not to say anything bad about anyone.

Audience participation was a huge part of the night’s festivities as it was in the last debate, when the crowd cheered when told hold many folks Rick Perry has put to death in Texas. While the pundits have written off Michelle Bachmann, the Tea Partiers just love her—almost as much as they hate Romney. Rick Perry was a clear favorite, too. And of course, Ron Paul had his small but loyal following. Predictably, any negative mention of Obama got huge applause, as when Gingrich quipped that Obama was scary and later when he talked about the “Obama Depression”. Note that Santorum did not get any applause when he bragged about how “bipartisan” he was with Bill Clinton. He must not have gotten the memo about this being a contest for the nomination and not the general election. The audience also went wild every time Bachmann and Santorum talked about “little girls”. Hmm. Better not go there.

However, the audience’s biggest moment came when Wolf asked Paul what he would do with a 30 year old who refused to buy health insurance and who then became sick. Not just a little bit sick. We are talking ICU sick for 6 months. When Paul said that folks take their own risks, Wolf countered “So you would let him die?” The great big “Yeah!” from the audience spoke for itself.

If the night had a theme, it was “Obamacare” as in How many ways can we spit on Obamacare? Contestants bragged about what they would do to Obamacare once they got into office. If Obamacare was a person and not a bill, I would recommend extra Secret Service protection for it. Oh, and the audience hates Romneycare almost as much as they do Obamacare. I really think the man needs to consider switching parties.

Most poignant moment? The only questioner who looked a little bit ethnic was a woman from Afghanistan who asked what the U.S. should do to ensure the health and safety of the women and children of Afghanistan. The universal response? Pull U.S. troops out of Afghanistan. You have to give them credit for honesty, even though I think they missed the point of her question.

During a series of questions about government financial policy that no one in the room cared a rat’s ass about, the audience was allowed to admire the contestant’s evening gowns. Except that someone forgot to tell them about the evening gown part of the competition. Worse yet, seven of them showed up in the same outfit, a blue suit and five of them had the same red tie. Everyone except Michelle had an American flag pin. Since the clothing was almost identical, the audience was reduced to judging things like hair. Cain was the clear loser---he has none. Perry was the winner. His stylist had cut back on the hair gel, giving him a softer, more youthful coiffure. Gingrich borrowed Trent Lott’s plastic white helmet hair for the evening. Michelle had great hair, but she loses points for no flag pin and no suit. Huntsman needs to get some botox for that right eyebrow that makes him look perpetually annoyed. Oh, and Romney is taller than Perry. We know, because they put the too men next to each other and most of the time the camera was focused on a spot midway between them, as if to suggest that it is now a two man race and the rest are just there for window dressing.

Finally, we got to the important stuff. What would the candidates bring to the White House. Amazingly, Rick did not say “a dog.” He wants more beds. Bachmann drove the crowd wild when she said “Just the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution and nothing else.” They must have been picturing her running around the White House with no clothes. But Perry won that round too, by declaring that he would bring the most beautiful first lady ever, his wife. Every savvy politician (and writer) knows that folks love you in direct proportion to how much you love someone else. So what if Perry kills innocent men? He loves the little lady.

So, anyway, the Tea Party chose Perry, and it was another clear win for Obama.

[hatrack]

1. Well, you knew Romney wasn't going to say "A dog." - too many bad memories there

Would he arrive at the White House in a station wagon? One wonders . . .

[madrchsod]

2. i listened to 10 minutes of this on the radio

listening to this with a 101 temperature was a surrealist experience.

[Tarheel_Dem]

3. Great synopsis. There aren't enough sickbags in the world to make me watch one of these things.

:rofl:

[Overseas]

4. Another brilliant essay! You captured them all to a Tea.

Definitely a clear win for Obama.

[mlevans]

5. Great piece, as usual.

My one quibble would be concerning the line about W and Dick proving that Texas only grows two things. Cheney was born in Nebraska, and raised in Nebraska and Wyoming. Bush, though raised in the Lone Star State, was born in Connecticut. Aside from that, you're golden.