What's the best advice you can give to parents of teenagers.

[kimmerspixelated]

Why are they so bratty and rude, when they weren't raised that way? I would never have talked to my mother the way I see some kids act. How do you best handle conflicts?

[Duer 157099]

1. Duck and cover

Hide until they're responsible adults?

I've got one, I know what I'm talkin' 'bout (lol).

[Deep13]

11. This raises an interesting point.

I know you are being facetious here so I am not directing these remarks at you. It does make me wonder how will they become responsible adults if the parents are "hiding," that is to say not dealing with the children's irresponsible behavior? It seems to me like many parents forget that their children will not become good adults just as a matter of course. It is something the parents must make happen.

[Duer 157099]

26. While it was sort of facetious, it does reflect my current situation

I hold on tightly to the notion that my son won't be 16 forever, and that in a very few short years, he will have outgrown his hormonal surges and all of the other biochemical things that neither he nor I have control over.

Sometimes I am faced with the choice of whether to fight or hide, and sometimes I hide.

[RagAss]

2. "It is Written"

Seriously, did your parents ever keep you from steering over those cliffs?

[wtmusic]

3. Stay on them.

They're gaining independence, they're realizing their parents aren't the gods they once thought they were.

Be an active parent. Always share part of their day, maintain respect at all times, but don't let them have an inch on courtesy.

[kimmerspixelated]

10. That's what we do, but it seems to be an almost constant fight.

I never dreamed just trying to have conversations would ever be so hard.

[July]

56. I agree w/wtmusic, stay with them. But it still may take a while.

It's hard when they react (or should I say overreact) to your attempts at conversation with your own children. I have often ended up pissed off at my own beloved critters. My own experience (may not be typical) is that it takes a long time for them to mentally separate themselves from you. In the mean time, they try to create separation with a cleaver. Gets a little tiresome when you feel you all have the same aim, i.e., their successful and happy adulthood.

Hang in is all I can say, and back away when they make you mad. Save your sanity, and only take some of the blame. They may love their parents, but they're still itching for a fight, just to prove they're in charge of their own lives.

[JuniperLea]

4. Having raised three...

1 - They will still love you when you use discipline... actually, they will love you more because they feel that someone gives a damn.

2 - There is no negotiating with children of any age. A family where I am the parent is not a democracy. I will listen to opposing views always, and sometimes I am swayed by logic, but I make the final decision. Always.

3 - Do not buy something to shut a kid up... this only reinforces the idea that if they whine long enough, you will cave.

4 - If a teenager is "bratty and rude" they were raised that way... see items 1 - 3.

[customerserviceguy]

5. Maybe the parents haven't raised the kids that way

but the media sure has. Beaver Cleaver was a better role model for me than Bart Simpson is for today's kids.

My ex has a niece and nephew that were raised in a Pentacostal home without TV and movies, and they turned out to be very nice human beings, even after they threw off that church and started living their own lives.

Is what happened to Tyler Clementi all that surprising in a country that glorifies "Jackass 3"?

[kimmerspixelated]

16. Yes, television and instant texting..

Instant everything. No waiting for anything!

[customerserviceguy]

19. It's not the instantaneousness that is the problem

It's the content. We have 'entertainment' that glorifies bad behavior. Why wouldn't young people copy it?

[kimmerspixelated]

67. Agreed, but we monitor the tv viewing pretty closely,

and she hates violence, so that's good.

[surrealAmerican]

23. If you are letting "the media" raise your children ...

... you are not being a good parent. They do not need to be isolated from movies, tv, pop music, etc., but they need to have parental input. Listen to your kids music, watch their movies, and, most importantly, talk to them about it in a substantive manner. Ask their opinions, listen respectfully, and give your opinions and the reasons behind those opinions.

[customerserviceguy]

29. Good point

And the number one way to have a daily influence on your kids is the dinner table. I got custody of my son from his mother when he was thirteen and was failing miserably in her care. Dinner time, where the TV was off (OK, an exception was made when the Mariners first made the playoffs) and "What did you do in school today?" was not allowed to be followed by the word, "Nuthin."

I just was able to contrast my media-influenced son with his media-oblivious cousins at the time, and it was startling to see the head start they had, that's why I mention it.

[Count Olaf]

36. +1000

n/t

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

43. "My ex has a niece and nephew that were raised in a Pentacostal home without TV and movies"

:scared:

On edit:

[customerserviceguy]

61. Not getting the reference

but then, I don't watch Cartoon Network.

In any case, my point was: In my experience, the extreme of no TV and movies made a better kid than the opposite extreme of using the TV as a 24/7 babysitter. My prefered situation is extreme moderation when it comes to exposing kids to media images.

[spanone]

6. vodka

[Deep13]

7. If they are bratty and rude, then they were raised that way.

That's not necessarily a criticism of the parents. We are the products of our environments so something in their lives caused them to be that way. The parents are the most significant influences, but others exist.

To answer your question, I would be extremely hesitant to offer advice unless it was specifically requested. After all, what you call "bratty and rude," the parents might just consider expressive.

[kimmerspixelated]

12. Apparently I need to rewrite this.

Maybe she is more "expressive" than I am comfortable with, mostly at home. Everyone else thinks she's an angel.

[surrealAmerican]

28. This sounds like she is trying to ...

... distance herself from you. It's a normal, and actually healthy, thing for an adolescent to do. You may need to subtly suggest ways she can assert her independence without attacking you.

[kimmerspixelated]

65. Yep workin on that.

[virgogal]

8. Make your mantra be "This too shall pass". It does pass,and very quickly.

[kimmerspixelated]

14. Yes, I keep trying to focus on that.

[Name removed]

9. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[uppityperson]

13. Your children (often) demonize you to break away from you.

Do not take it personally, though it can be difficult.

It is not just about parents letting their kids go, but about kids breaking away from that comfortable relationship they had with their parents.

[kimmerspixelated]

15. Absolutely true, and I understand a lot of the behavior when

viewing it in that light, but seriously, I would never have spoken to my parents the way she has to me/us. ...or slapped into next week.

[proteus_lives]

17. This too shall pass.

(Hopefully)

[Dappleganger]

21. We have four teenagers in the house.

I'm actually having more fun now than when they were little. Never thought it'd be this way, but it is.

[proteus_lives]

22. It's a weather-vane type of thing.

Winds will blow good one minute then watch out!

[Dappleganger]

27. Especially the two girls...

but they tend to go at each other over rather than the rest of us.

[proteus_lives]

44. I have two older sisters and that is a accurate statement.

[Count Olaf]

37. oh me too- we have the best discussions now

about literature, film, history, science...but then they read Howard Zinn for homeschool history so that might have something to do with it.

[Dappleganger]

41. Awesome!

The two older teens had Zinn's book for Am. History in public school--I was quite pleased about that choice. ;)

[Dappleganger]

18. Are they your children?

If not then it is best to not say anything if a parent is there. If a teenager is rude to YOU give them the stink eye.

[DrDan]

20. we are dealing with a 9-year old granddaughter now having raised 2

She can certainly exhibit the behavior you describe.

In a civil, adult manner, we simply tell her that we don't talk to her that way and she is not to talk to us that way.

She understands and that seems to end it without drama or hurt feelings.

Children want to know their boundaries - and will test them. Your job is to let them know what they are and when they are being crossed.

[madokie]

24. In hindsight

my advice would be to let them be brats or whatever. After a while they grow out of this stage and when they do things will get back to normal.

[Pathwalker]

25. Grandchildren are your reward For not killing your children.

It think it was Princess Grace who said that.
Oh, and canned fog horn can stop them from screaming, and send them scurrying to their rooms.
And Breathe.
Best of luck!

[hayu_lol]

30. Be...

firm, fair, consistant with the rules, and give them appropriate slack(extra rope)when they act as the young adults that they are.

Won't work 100% of the time...but if they pay attention, they find the easing of restrictions encouraging.

Some obviously will not comply no matter what. No answers for this group.

[REP]

31. The teenagers I know are actually pretty good kids. It pains me to say it, too :-)

Lotta teens hang where I have coffee. They are friendly and polite, and not in some sarcastic way. Most of them are in college now, but I've known a lot of them since their sophomore years. Freaks of nature? Probably.

[B Calm]

32. Please, whatever you do, I would not duct tape them to a wall!

[Count Olaf]

33. they have to earn their video games

bad behavior-game revoked.

I also have them read from the book 'don't sweat the small stuff for teens' which just give helpful hints for feelings, problems, hormones!@ they don't know how to deal with.

The first lesson 'would you throwup on your best friend' teaches them that when you are in a bad mood, it is normal, but you don't want to spread it around. Find a place to take time for yourself and then get back to people when you feel better....and more tips along those lines. They just need skills on how to deal with their own feelings.


Also I agree with the poster who blamed the media. If you are a parent really paying attention- you see it. When my generation was growing up there was a moral ethic that was followed, most shows had positive messages reinforcing good behaviors. These days it seems the powers that be are purposefully pushing us in the other direction with TV and movies, illustrating the worst in human behavior, and how can that not influence the youth? Many of us grew up in a time where right and wrong were pretty clear, so when we see this on TV we think 'well that is just wrong'. But if you grow up inundated with the crap, you are not so sure what is right and wrong....the evil behavior is all on TV, and everyone loves TV, and it's funny....so it must be good.

[kimmerspixelated]

66. Thanks, I never heard of the ..sweat/stuff for teens!

I'm getting that book! A birthday is approaching. You given some great advice I hadn't heard before.

[Zax2me]

34. Be a parent.

There is no magic advice quote, right?
The kids, including my nieces and nephews, that 'act up', are a direct result of parents not spending time with them. You can spot it immediately when they walk in a room. They fight, cling to you physically, throw things. The first response is 'what a rotten kid'.
Then (years later, after I learned MY lesson!) I stopped looking for things to say or tell them and just played - or had discussions with the older ones. Turn off the TV, stopped talking to other adults, and ENGAGE them. This could be a walk down the street, canceling my schedule to take them to the park...finding and taking alone time with each instead of treating them as a group. The rotten attitude disappears and they turn into cupcakes within minutes.
Most dog experts encourage walking, exercising your pet 2-4 hours a day, depending on the breed, to keep them healthy in mind and body.
How many parents take even 30 minutes alone with their children each day? Separately, each one? Yes, I'm sure many or maybe most do. And my answer isn't an answer for everyone. Strictly speaking in general terms, and what I've witnessed - this is what has worked for me when dealing with unruly nieces and nephews and their friends.
Older kids that talk back most likely spent years watching a parent walk out the door to play golf, or go to the coffee shop, when they needed them. Maybe not for anything specific, or not necessarily a major conflict at school (though critical moments are likely missed as well). They just needed attention, a parent to bounce things off of while they spent an hour at the mall together shopping, or raking leaves together in the backyard.
I need to copy this and send to siblings, feel like I'm talking to them instead of responding to your thread!
Just think some parents might be better served by sharing a life with their children rather than seeking advice to dispense. Then maybe, hopefully, they might find they need no advice after all.

[krabigirl]

35. As a former very rebellious teen (lol), my main advice is it will pass, but also, to talk (ro)

to your kids! I think too many parents spend too much time trying to force their kids to think or act how they want them to, without getting to know who they are at that time. My parents hated and took away all of my music (which was so tame compared to now lol), the way I did my hair, everything I believed in at the time. I plan to talk to my kids and find out what makes them tick..without judgment, unless it's really bad. Also, pick your battles.

[Count Olaf]

42. great advice- and encourage them to pursue who they are

When they know to find their soul and follow their own heart, and to also know that you care who they truly are...they will be happy people inside and that will change who they are on the outside.

[kimmerspixelated]

68. We talk pretty often, mostly we're engaged, but when I try to suggest

certain things, she now mostly rejects my ideas.

[Spazito]

38. Hmmm, I liken it to being on a roller coaster ride...

enjoy the upside, hang on to dear life on the downside and, most of all, remember it WILL end, honest, it will end.

(Parent of two very 'challenging' teens, both of whom are now successful adults with children of their own, some of whom are soon to take their parents on that ride, lol)

[SoCalDem]

39. They HAVE to be that way.,. It's nature's way of making you WANT them to GO AWAY

When they are little doe-eyed innocents nature makes you keep them close and never want to let them go.. Puberty makes them hate you and forces you to reciprocate :evilgrin:

Once they move out on their own, they realize that everything (well ..most of it) that you warned them about and counseled them about is true, and they can reapproach your relationship as an adult....and then you can spoil their children rotten :)

[Rex]

40. Don't ever be a hypocrite.

[AzDar]

45. I have a fourteen-year-old son , and I'm baffled, too...

Everyone compliments me on how mature and polite he is. Although I try to accept the praise gracefully, it's often all I can do not to burst into hysterical cackling. Really?!? Mature and polite? He's *horrible* at home. If I were to say the sky is blue and the grass is green, he'd argue the point. To the death. I find that chanting helps...that, and Xanax. :)

[Dappleganger]

47. Don't get me started on 14 yr. olds...

we're on our 3rd one now. IME this is the hardest age, 13-15 and then they tend (usually) to pull out of most of the really nasty stuff. It really does get better if you pick your battles.

LOL @chanting and Xanax!

[July]

58. Whoa, been there . . .

Kind of strange the first time you hear it, right? My reaction is, "What am I, chopped liver? You're charming and polite with strangers and argumentative with us? Huh . . . what?

[kimmerspixelated]

69. Same page-but I think there are different

degrees of horrible for her. I hear ya with the sky is blue thing! Argh!!!

[asdjrocky]

46. You gotta hit them when they're sleeping.

Get the duct tape good and tight on the wrists and ankles. The gag is optional, as some people do enjoy the sounds of the screams, then eventual whimpers from the closet. After a few days they are so grateful for a crust of bread and a drink of water, you'll find them quite docile and willing to do their homework.

I'm joking, of course, but that leads me to my point, don't take anything too seriously. Also, different kids are different. My two daughters were completely different from each other in their teen years, but I learned to laugh before I did anything else, with both of them.

On the serious side, remember you are the grown up, and you can hit them where they live. Find out what they love, and take it away until they shape up. Works almost every single time.

On edit-
Cannabis helps. For you, not them.

[kimmerspixelated]

70. HAHA!

Oh yes, we threaten the phone being taken away, and it gets results.

[Odin2005]

48. It's a phase.

:)

[WeekendWarrior]

49. We're very liberal parents and

my daughter got very angry with me one day and yelled, "You never give me anything to rebel against!!!"

So I guess they get bratty and rude as a right of passage. If they didn't, you'd probably wonder about them.

[kimmerspixelated]

71. HAHA!

I think you're right.

[WeekendWarrior]

50. Dupe

[flvegan]

51. Pay your fire department fees.

[Earth_First]

52. lmfao!

sorry, but i laughed at this one!

[Autumn]

53. Love them, even when your child is a poster

child for legalizing retroactive abortion. They grow up.

[July]

59. Love them, agreed.

At one of my children's most difficult moments, he still seemed to care that we loved him and weren't going to give up. In fact, that seemed to be the ONLY thing we could convey that made any difference to him. On the other hand, five years later, I can't say he's grown up that much (I'll say he's more mature than he was, but not where I would hope him to be). Hard to feel that I still have to treat an adult (today) with kid gloves. We did seem to make progress out of the daily strife, though. FWIW.

[demmiblue]

54. Choose your battles, relax your expectations, give more choices, never assume it is about you,...

understand developmental/hormonal/social changes (in par with 'it may not be about you'), reward positive choices/behavior, stay involved and ask questions, ignore poor behavior ("I chose not to be treated this way, talk to me when you can discuss things without attacking me or being rude. Bye.").

I think a lot of the time, teens really do not know how to deal with many of the emotions they are experiencing as they are going through some very drastic changes. Much of this angst is directed toward the people/person that they trust most; the people/person that they know will love them unconditionally: you! I am not saying it is acceptable, however, if you can address the problem outside of the 'heat of battle', then you will most likely get a better result. And, of course, I am also not saying that there shouldn't be consequences to poor behavior.

FWIW, of course.

Good luck! You will make it through this.


:hi:

[kimmerspixelated]

72. Good advice-thanks!

[Sabriel]

55. Hug them, tell them you love then, and consider yourself lucky they're still alive.

They haven't killed themselves or been harassed to death by the dipshits at their schools.

[Starry Messenger]

57. Their brains are still developing.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124119468

[Tsiyu]

60. there's a saying

"parents of teenagers understand why animals eat their young."

But seriously, here is the advice I would give:

It's over too fast and you'll wish you had them back in a few years to tell them how much you cared about them.

Show some interest. Don't zone out on their interests yet expect them to pay rapt attention to everything YOU say.

Give them as much freedom as safety and health allow. This is when they begin to have to test their judgment for themselves.

They will screw up sometimes, but if you raised them with integrity they won't screw up too badly.

Accept them for who they are, expect them to be the best.

Make your talk positive, and throw away all the negative bullcrap your own parents said.

And if you've been a disrespectful asshole who has shown them the worst of a human, don't expect them to suddenly respect you just because of your new-found fear of their new-found maturity.

that is all for now.


mother of six, adopted mother of ?

[HopeHoops]

62. Just keep repeating, "PUT A RUBBER ON IT!"

My three daughters know I'm serious about it, but it has become somewhat of a running gag.

[kimmerspixelated]

73. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

HopeHoops Rides again!!! Thanks, Pal!

[LWolf]

63. The best advice I can give to anyone about teenagers is this:

1. Understand them. Recognize the conflicting physical, psychological, emotional, and social upheaval happening to them as part of the process of growing up.

2. Be patient. A wide ocean of patience is required.

3. Be firm. Set boundaries, hold to reasonable expectations.

4. Hold on. It's an extreme coaster ride.

5. Know when to let go.

[laureloak]

64. Listen to your teenager and let them be right sometimes.

Get help from another adult.
Teen-agers are hilariously funny. Be sure to make time to enjoy these years with your child.
Allow your children to make choices for themselves but don't give them excessive freedom until they are mature enough to handle it (PLEASE don't grant complete freedom in the teenage years). Once given, the freedom cannot be taken back.
Take troubled children for professional help as soon as possible.
Remember that your teenager needs you to be a parent, not a friend.
Know what is going on in your child's life and be there to guide (emphasis on guide) them through it.
Remain calm, be the adult in the picture.
Talk about the future frequently. Help you child develop a roadmap into independent adulthood.

Prepare early for the teen years by helping your child cultivate a healthy pasttime such as sports.

[lightningandsnow]

74. I'm 18.

Do y'all find me bratty and rude? :hi:

Seriously, listen to teenagers, respect them, and have faith in them.

Sometimes, we're right.

[kimmerspixelated]

75. THANKS TO ALL!