"God's Wrath Must Be Upon Jesus" Puzzled Robertson Concludes

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

Noted television evangelist and amateur seismologist Pat Robertson, who never misses an opportunity to combine his two great passions, admits he was caught totally off guard by today’s 7.1 magnitude earthquake (http://www.nytimes.com/reuters/2010/09/03/world/international-us-quake-newzealand.html?hp) that caused much damage — but thankfully no fatalities — in New Zealand.

Taking time out from his daily prayers on behalf of friend and business partner Charles Taylor (http://www.charlestaylortrial.org/), the former Liberian President currently on trial in The Hague for war crimes and crimes against humanity, Robertson told reporters, “The fact that nobody was killed clearly indicates that, unlike similar recent events in Haiti and Chile, God’s wrath clearly was not directed at the general population. This of course leaves us to wonder what message we are to take away from this obviously strong statement. After all, a 7.1 magnitude earthquake is indicative of a considerable amount of anger.”

When pressed for his theory as to the Almighty’s message, Robertson, who this weekend is in Ozark, Alabama for his much-anticipated and long-awaited induction into the Bingo Caller’s Hall of Fame (which will be broadcast live on the Robertson-owned Christian Broadcasting Network beginning at 6 PM EDT on Sunday with coverage of the Red Carpet festivities beginning at 3 PM), responded, “When we look at what damage was caused and where, I can only conclude that for some reason — a reason likely beyond the understanding of mere mortals — God was sending a warning to Jesus. God struck a city called Christchurch — in essence, ‘Jesus’ church’. So in the absence of any message that would be discernible to those of us on earth, it seems clear to me that the message was not directed at any of God’s mortal creations, but at Jesus Himself — who, based on where this message was delivered — may already be walking among us.”

Mr. Robertson, a former Republican presidential candidate who is considered by many a living legend credited with single-handedly raising ‘religious entrepreneurship’ to an art form, then drove home his point, concluding, “While the inhabitants of the affected area — every last one of them — were spared, façades were ripped off of buildings and the entire infrastructure now lies in ruins. As a result what we have here is a place called Christchurch where what’s inside its buildings has been exposed to the light of day and which God, Himself, has mandated through this action must be rebuilt from the inside out. I’ll be damned if this mere mortal can find any symbolism in that.”


:sarcasm:

[Demeter]

1. Senile, Insane, or Both

[customerserviceguy]

10. Thank goodness he still has a microphone in front of him

during all of his babblings. I wonder when the underlings will finally turn it off, and just sell his old books and tapes to make a dishonest living for themselves?

[xchrom]

2. Oy. Nt

[mike r]

3. What a wacko

But funny as hell.

[marew]

4. What an arrogant loony tune! n/t

[madrchsod]

5. do you do this for a living or is just a hobby?

you really don`t need the sarcasm thingie

[onenote]

7. based on some of the posts, the sarcasm thingie was needed, but ignored!

[rucky]

9. I'm afraid he really does.

But in previous posts, the responses were as amusing as the original.

[liberalmuse]

6. He's been oddly silent on this one, hasn't he?

But never fear - he'll probably pin this on the Maori Rastafarians.

You might want to put yet another disclaimer in your posts. Your user name and the sarcasm icon didn't work, because your post was eerily too close to what could be a true scenario. :rofl:

[pgodbold]

8. Pat Robertson's name is just above the doorbell at the entrance to hell. nt

[formercia]

14. I wonder how many souls he had to donate to get his name there?

Pat Robertson memorial entrance to Hades.

[Control-Z]

11. With the exception

of the very last line:

'I’ll be damned if this mere mortal can find any symbolism in that.'

I bought the entire story.

[frogmarch]

12. My sis lives in Christchurch.

Her apartment is in shambles, but she and her cat are okay.

I'll tell her what PR said, so she can be on the lookout for Jesus and tell him to quit pissing god off, for chrissake. Make that, for Christchurch's sake.

What an effing loony PR is. Disgusting.

[rusty quoin]

13. It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle,

than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

And this fuck preacher is a billioniare.

[SpookyCat]

15. What scares me the most

is that I was about half way through before I realized this was a joke. It is more and more difficult to do satire of these people.

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

16. My problem is...

...people get pissed at me, because they believe Robertson would really say stuff like this...

my question is this -- If it's so easy to believe that he would say anything this outrageous, is that my fault, or his??

[SpookyCat]

17. Why on earth would people get mad at you?

That makes no sense to me. Is it because they believed this was real and feel snookered? Odd.