What do you say to your teenage/unmarried kids about having kids?

[raccoon]

First off, I don't have kids. But I know people, and I'm sure you do, whose teenage or 20-something kids or grandkids have kids and are being supported by the parents/grandparents.

Let me give an example from RL. "Jane" and "Tom's" granddaughter "Sue" is 20-something. Has 3 kids, age 5, 1 1/2, 6 mos. The first child is by a man she's married to who lives in another state. AFAIK, he pays nothing for the child's support. The other two are by a boyfriend. Last time I heard, neither Sue nor the boyfriend was employed.

Sue and her 3 kids live in a trailer in Jane and Tom's back yard. Sue is currently not working, and with what she could make anyway, wouldn't pay for child care. I don't think she has any education beyond high school. The kids are on Medicaid, and I don't know what kind of gov't assistance she has beyond that. (I heard Sue was going to have a tubal ligation after the 3rd kid.)

Jane and Tom are both 70. If it weren't for their assistance, Sue and her kids would definitely be in dire straits.

What do you say to your kids about this sort of situation? Understandably, most parents would not WANT to be in this sort of situation, yet most parents wouldn't want to just turn the kids out. :shrug:

[no_hypocrisy]

1. This is what my sex ed teacher told our class senior year:

There is NO "SAFE" TIME/DAY for not getting pregnant. Treat each encounter appropriately.

[seabeyond]

2. when i have 2 yr old niece and 8 month old nephew here, and put boys to work, when kids leave

i tell kids.... condoms. condoms condoms condoms. until they are ready for kids. we talk about the work little kids are. how hard they are. how important it is to give the kids what they need to be healthy, balanced and secure, and better damn well be ready for it. that they deserve what my kids have.

we talk about using condom and pill, never get tricked, and understand that my youngest is a condom baby. my oldest is a "we will be safe" baby.

i tell them i will not raise their kids. period. no questions. not gonna happen

condoms condoms condoms pill pill pill.

we talk about it all... often, with examples

that niece that has those two little ones. 22, two different fathers and divorcing the 8 month olds dad. my kids are watching, and learning and we discuss it and talk about the unfairness of it for ALL concerned.

[T Wolf]

3. Our daughters know we will be there to help them in any situation. Hopefully, we have

raised them to be able to make good decisions and avoid this (and other) bad results.

We always emphasized that actions have consequences (unlike what the previous administration showed).

From your example... One kid - okay, help her out. The second - this should be a red flag and a trigger for a plan with the aforementioned consequences. A THIRD one!?! - obviously the parents have failed miserably. Sometimes, tough love is the only way to get through to some people.

[seabeyond]

5. lol lol, see the difference in parenting. i have my line.... no way, no how am i raising your baby

that is funny. others are so much nicer than i am.... lol

[uncommon]

Sometimes it comes down to not letting an innocent child suffer --

if my daughter grows up, against all odds and intentions, to be an irresponsible person and brings a life into this world and chooses to neglect it, then I will step in to help the child, who deserves to be loved and cared for.

Hopefully my work will pay off and that will not happen.

[seabeyond]

13. you know what

another reason i say that to the boys, i believe, that if they are too young to parent, then the greater responsibility would to put the baby up for adoption and allow him/her a chance with parents that can be.

[raccoon]

6. Let me clarify. Sue was married to the first kid's father. They split up

several years ago, when the child was still a toddler.

Sue's parents likely did fail miserably. Her mother was a drug addict and died of cancer about 10 years ago. I don't know about her father.

[Warpy]

4. Given the state of this economy, Sue is damned lucky

her grandparents are able and willing to give her some support.

The sad truth is that the backbreaking work of producing and raising the next generation of citizens and workers is unpaid work. Telling Sue she's some sort of parasite who doesn't work is counterproductive, cruel and ignorant. She's got three kids and you can bet she's working damned hard.

Most abandoned families aren't that lucky and must make do with a patchwork of social services that are too parsimonious to allow them to live decently and too temporary to allow time for the kids to start school and Mom to get a decent job. The major flaws in the welfare reform Clinton signed 16 years ago are glaringly apparent in a rotten economy.

It won't even do Sue any good to try to go after the deadbeat fathers. They're likely on the skids right now, unable to provide much of anything beyond a pittance that wouldn't make a dent in child care expenses should Sue find a job that would otherwise feed and house them.

Sue's grandparents recognize this. They must be wonderful people.

[peace13]

7. The first mistake was moving a trailer onto the property.

She will never go away and they would have to kick her off of the property which would be very difficult. At this point she is a mouse in the barn waiting for the farmer to die so she can move to the big house.

My sister in law had six kids in eight years and that was a nightmare. She lived on welfare, Medicaid, WIC and any charity she could find. We gave her what we could but she never moved from her religious community to a family members home. The kids are in their 20's and 30's now. Three productive citizens and three not so lucky.

I don't know why people think that their children are other people's responsibility. I don't think they do think. We need to educate the young women about birth control and the true cost of getting pregnant. Like it or not they will be the ones to pay the cost, they and the worrying grandparents.

[Warpy]

8. I don't know why men abandon their children

thinking their mothers will do the job of two parents.

[raccoon]

10. Me either, and as we know it's nothing new. Happened in previous

decades too--fathers just walked off and left the family.

[SoCalDem]

14. Mnay are too young & foolish to even care..and they may figure that if they too are unemployed

or underemployed they are "off the hook".. And there is also the issue with the casual-ness of relationships sometimes. For a man to truly care about his offspring/family, there has to also be a real relationship there. A casual "hook up" can also result in a baby, and shy of a DNA test, paternity could be in doubt.

Any child born into those circumstances is a lucky one to have a caring grandparent, but many are not so fortunate:(

[peace13]

16. Those kind of men don't think.

That is the problem!

[WCIL]

9. We have been talking about birth control since

they were in their early teens. They know to use condoms and another form of birth control. They know that we have struggled at times with money, even though my husband and I are both employed and my husband has a good job. They know that having a baby at this stage of their lives (21 and 20) would set them back very far and probably even knock them off-track of their long term goals. We have never been shy about discussing the consequences of one unguarded moment when it comes to sex.

My sister in law's nephew just found out this summer that he is the father of a 2 year old daughter. He hooked up with a girl once, but she was "engaged" and assumed the other man was the father. Now he works for a landscaper and had to cut back to part-time at college so he can pay child support. He is also living with my sister in law in order to keep attending college and because he can't afford his own place. This, sadly, is another great lesson to my kids about what can happen if you have an unplanned pregnancy.

[uncommon]

11. I had a baby when I was 22 - I was still in college, I was totally unprepared, and

the guy was a casual boyfriend I hadn't been dating long.

It was far from ideal, but he and I were both decent people for our age and we made it work - we were together for 5 years (we got married after 2) and though the marriage didn't work out, we were able to provide for ourselves and our daughter without any help (it was hard but we did it).

Usually I caution my friends and relatives about having children - this is because I know it is hard.

But I also know that Emily is wonderful and has made my life a lot more fun and interesting since she came into it, and I wouldn't give her up for the world.

So I guess it's a crap shoot - preferably people who can't or don't want to support a child would not have one, but there is no way to keep it from happening that I would be comfortable with.

[Iggo]

12. Wait 'til you're out of college.

Also, imagine you may end up raising this child alone.

There are many many many many many examples in my extended family. All I gotta do is drop a few names.

[HughBeaumont]

15. "Make a lot of money."

"If not, meet someone that makes around the same as you do. Have one, get snipped or effused, whichever. You have more than that, well I'm sorry to inform you, you'll be financially screwn for the remainder of your working years. This kid needs fed, clothed, sheltered, educated, cared for when he/she is sick and entertained. Aaaaaaaaaaaand since you live in the United States, each and every one of those items I listed is gonna cost you PLENTY over 18 years and your wage won't keep up with the cost of it all. You better hope little Jake or Megan doesn't want to go to an out-of-state school."

"Disappointed? Hey, for 15 years, I tried telling everyone that voting Republican is like shooting yourself in the foot every year for the rest of your life, but they all called me a Commie leftist asshole who doesn't know shit about shit. That's the world Reagan's Lil' Trickle-Down Dumplins left you - an overpopulated sinkhole of debt where there are far more people than there are living wage jobs and a selfish greedbag bunch of restaurant-quality assholes that control it all."

"But hey, if retirement isn't your thing and you like working in a fabric box until you're gurneyed out of there in an oxygen mask with defibrilators at the ready, go ahead and have 2 or 4. What do I know, this is only my 4th recession. Maybe you want to ask someone who's been through five or six of them."

[surrealAmerican]

17. It's not about what you say. ...

... It's the example you set. It's how you parent them. If they have grown up with parents who are involved, and treat parenting as something worthy of their time and attention, they will know what a huge commitment they are getting in to. If they have some hope of making a stable, comfortable life for themselves before having children, they won't be so willing to trade that for an immediate family. If they have reliable information and access to birth control, they will be able to delay becoming parents.