When roles reverse: The rise of the stay-at-home husband

[seabeyond]

Today, Todd is a married father of two. Forget Vegas—the 38-year-old could recently be found driving through Chicago’s O’Hare airport with a pair of shrieking toddlers in the backseat, attempting the near-impossible feat of picking up an arriving visitor (his mother) at the exact moment she stepped out of the terminal. Back home, there was a gas leak to deal with and then dinner to cook. Since his carefree single days, Todd had fallen hard for a woman on their first date and eventually married her, then quit his corporate PR job to open a ceramics studio with her. And then came the real stunner: When she had their first baby, they sold the ceramics business, and he gave up work entirely. Today the Gottlieb family—which includes Hogan, age 4, and Ivria, age 2—lives in a tony Illinois suburb where a stay-at-home dad is so unusual that “people look at us like we have three heads,” says Todd’s wife, Ariella, who now runs her own promotions company.

But across the country, their situation is becoming more common: In the recent recession, three men lost their jobs for every one woman that did, and as a result, this year, for the first time ever, women make up the majority of the workforce. Four in 10 mothers are now their households’ primary breadwinners, and an estimated 143,000 unemployed fathers of children under 15 are caring for the kids full time while their wives work. Athomedad.org lists 148 support groups around the country; MTV’s atom.com lineup includes “Stay at Home Dad,” a side-splitting Web show about an acerbic househusband; and confessional blogs abound, with names like Rebel Dad and Dudes on Diapers. Speaking of, Pampers—which in a recent survey found that 69 percent of fathers say they change diapers as much as their wives—has started targeting male consumers, hiring New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees as a spokesman

*

Diane Sollee, director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education and smartmarriages.com, a website that acts as a clearinghouse for information on strengthening relationships, says that as women work more, the qualities we value in a partner can shift greatly. “In a way, it’s almost like bragging for a woman to say she has a stay-at-home husband,” she observes. “Not only is she the breadwinner with a great job, but she’s also got this highly evolved male person—a feminist, father, and husband who doesn’t care what the gender roles are. It’s really an elevated life-form.” For the hard-driving careerist mother, a husband who’s willing to take up the lion’s share at home is a godsend.

Still, the transition from breadwinner to househusband can be rough on a guy’s ego. Despite all the enlightened views about hands-on dads, all the reflexive “That’s great!” comments from hip and politically correct peers, the professional dad lives a life filled with big existential questions (What is my true worth as a person if I don’t get a paycheck?) and tiny daily indignities, like having to buy presents for his wife with her money, or shrugging off incredulous looks at dinner parties after revealing he’s a stay-at-home dad. “At times it’s been emasculating,” admits PJ, who has been home full time since his son, CJ, was born two years ago. When people see him pushing a stroller at 11 a.m. on a Tuesday, they jump to conclusions: Guys assume he’s been laid off, and little old ladies figure he’s dabbling in childcare. “Are you babysitting today? Giving Mommy a break?” they coo. “Babysitting?! I’m his father,” seethes PJ.


http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/38628278/ns/today-parenting/

______________________________________


i like seeing this.

[piratefish08]

1. I'm on year 4 of "stay at home" dad status and loving it.......

I stepped out of a job of 12 years to take on the task.

staying home is the toughest job I've ever had and wouldn't change it for the world.......

[seabeyond]

3. good for you. a couple things in the article. saying excluded in mother out situations.

that is too bad. any i would have been in, i dont see us doing that and we didnt talk nasty about our hubbies or how hot other men were. little kids, we were pretty much talking about that or politics, seeing it was during end of clinton and bush.

i would have loved to have a man in the discussion

and some of what he gripes about (wish is cool, he is allowed), stay at home mom get the same disrespect, so it isnt so much a gender thing.

ore interesting conflict in the article too

[CTyankee]

7. Tho tough, don't you find it wonderful to "be your own boss" at home?

I've been both a stay at home mom and a working mom and the nice thing about being home is that you get to arrange your work schedule more flexibly and you have more conrol of your environment. At work, you have a boss, often an inflexible one (or worse...I once had a boss with untreated bipolar disorder and after a few years I couldn't stand it anymore).

Of course, if your kids are very little, then you really are more at the mercy of their schedules. But as they get older and go off to school you have more time. I also liked the fact that if I didn't , say, mop the kitchen floor on Monday, no one was around to complain to me...

Having said all that, I consider being a parent the most important job in the world...it certainly was the most important job I ever had!

[seabeyond]

16. there is that.

i can't say how much i like making my own schedule and things will get done when they get done.

[CTyankee]

30. The American workplace can be brutal, particularly to parents of a growing

family. You're under tremendous pressure at work to get stuff done on their time schedule and tremendous pressure to devote time and attention to your family. You feel helpless and not in control of your life. It wears you down...

[seabeyond]

34. that is what i see

i have massive empathy

we owned a business and were able to be flexible with the few employees (almost always the woman) that was having to balance the two. some companies are better than others. i use to get mad that it was never her husband that took off work.

[CTyankee]

40. That happened in the job I had the bipolar boss. Another one of her employees

(who was part time) had to make last minute accommodations for her sick child and said, quite frankly, that her husband's job paid a lot more than hers (this was a nonprofit org.) so to risk his job just didn't make much financial sense.

[seabeyond]

41. lol, well, he ended up quitting three or more jobs since and she is still working there

but i guess that would be a factor.

[Twinguard]

45. I hear you.

I'm a stay at home dad to twin 3 year old boys. It's chaos, it's exhausting, it's trying, and without a doubt it is the best job I've ever had.

[seabeyond]

46. excellent

and good for you. i am glad to hear that. the thing, i am sure even with twins.... oooosh, and three, lol, getting the routine down.

[uncommon]

2. Good --

there should be just as many fathers out there doing this as mothers if anyone is going to.

[seabeyond]

4. yup. i have two brothers raising their kids. one is the nurturer. one is the provider.

the nurturer really should have been the stay at home and wife work. she wasnt a nurturer. she needed to work.

[uncommon]

10. Exactly - all women and all men are not carbon copies of one another -

I love my daughter more than anything in the world, but she is better off with me working and feeling good about myself and doing what makes me happy than she ever was when I was staying at home and miserable.

[shireen]

42. +1

[latebloomer]

5. We've gone the stay-at-home dad route too

and it worked in some ways, didn't work in others.

But the article seems to focus only on affluent families where the wife's earnings allow them to live comfortably. I am sure that most of these families are barely squeezing by, and that their choice is not really a choice but one born of necessity.

I know that when I was working I was breaking my ass, and it may have contributed to my becoming seriously ill. My husband did most of the housework, errands and childcare, but it was never enough and if you have children, a lot of the parenting will fall into Mom's lap.

It may work well if you have gallons of cash, don't have to work too many hours, and can afford lots of luxuries, but I am much happier now when we both work and I can have some balance in my life.

The one-family income, no matter who the earner, has largely become a thing of the past.

[seabeyond]

11. thank you for this post.

a perspective i had not looked at is "but I am much happier now when we both work and I can have some balance in my life."

that you see this as a balance is interesting. my thought is probably your hubby does a lot of the at home stuff still, even working. what i see mostly is when the woman works, she is also doing most of the at home stuff. i cannot see myself trying to be superwoman. no desire. so i always looked at a stay at home, and a worker as bringing the balance.

thanks for the input to see it differently, too.

[latebloomer]

13. Yes, he does do a fair amount at home

and also my kids are teens now, so they require a lot less hands-on and are even somewhat helpful at times (!!)

When I was the only worker they were in grade school and it was a huge push for me to work enough hours to support us decently. But I still had to do quite a bit of house stuff, and of course child-related stuff, and it just wore me down to a screaming nub.

I know this is unfair and a vast generalization, but in my experience women do a lot more child and house stuff than men do, even when both are working.

[seabeyond]

15. that is what the studies show.

that is why i am ok with where we are.

anytime hubby and i have talked about me going back to work, i say, ... now you know, that means we split up ALL duties 50/50. and i might get that shower in before you, and you might have to do the kids BEFORE school.

we always come back to, things are fine as is.

[piratefish08]

17. it works for us in "most" ways - but is not always easy.

I have 2 boys - 2 and 4 - and a 15 year old daughter from my previous marriage.

I dealt with my own ego issues early on (my wife earned more so it was strictly a financial decision for us).

The only real issue for me now is burnout - there is no escape on sat/sun from the mon-fri routine. I try to escape for a camping weekend alone every 6-8 weeks to regain my sanity.........

I have gained SOOOOOO much respect for single and working mothers these past few years.

[hedgehog]

6. IMO, it really shows that families need an adult in the home in

charge of running things. Sharing a home with another adult is one thing, but sharing a home with family members in need of assistance is a full time job. It doesn't matter whether we are talking about children or the frail elderly.

[seabeyond]

8. i was so opposed to being a stay at home all my life until i had the first.

for the first couple years it was very hard for me to wrap my mind around not working and being dependent and stcuk at home all day. yet, i could see no alternative than being with the babies.

now that the kids are older, i have really shifted the attitude. we do well on one income. it allows hubby to be totally free of all, but the paychek. and it allows me to be totally free of 40 hour week to focus on home and kids.

it benefits all of us. i am really thankful we are able to do it.

lots of down time for all of us.

[Maru Kitteh]

9. Here in my working-class neighborhood in Kearney, NE our neighbor has been a SAHD

for 7 years now. They're a fantastic couple and both of them are such great parents - and it shows! Their children are inquisitive, thoughtful, confident and kind.

We know other couples who are doing the same.

I just don't see the stay-at-home-dad as anything at all unusual any more, and I don't think male unemployment is the only reason either - as a matter of fact I think placing the bulk of the "blame" on male unemployment is insulting to women in general (poor people, he lost his job and now they have to "settle" for whatever the wife can bring home) and insulting to the couples who make these decisions together based on their own unique sets of circumstances.

[zipplewrath]

12. My nephew and his wife taught me "SAHD"

Stay At Home Dad. Looks a bit too close to "SAD" for me, but okay. The things that have been said to BOTH of them are amazing in their insensetivity. He's had to "show ID" when picking up his kids from some school program, even though none of the mothers ever do. She was approached at a school function by a woman who exclaimed, "I didn't even know Adam HAD a wife!" More than one response to the explanation of "I'm a stay at home dad" was met with "why do you have to do that?".

The reality is they BOTH work their butts off, and everyone should just STFU.

[seabeyond]

14. The reality is they BOTH work their butts off, and everyone should just STFU

tell adam though,..... sahm also get attitude. always did in past, probably always will. i certainly did/do. so though i agree absolutely with what you are saying, and i know that men get a different attitude also, it is a disrespect coming to any and all of us.

the rewards are by far, hands down, worth it.

hearing these stories though, i would like to be standing around with the couple of stories i am hearing with the men, so i could add my voice into these discussions. i have never been shy on butting in and expressing, lol. i hope he also, equally, finds the support from the other women.

[zipplewrath]

18. From her blog

I've anonomized this a tad but this is what she wrote after the incident:

"Are you SUZIES's mom???" she asked.

"Yes . . ." I trailed off. I run into people all the time that know Suzie that I don't know because they meet her when she's with Adam.

"Oh, hi, I'm So-and-So's mom, at school. My older son went there too."

"Oh, nice to meet you! So-and-so looks just like you, I should have known you were his mother!" I replied.

"HA HA, I didn't even know Suzie HAD a mother!" Everyone standing around us laughed because she said it like it was a punchline. But it really wasn't funny. Still, maybe she was just trying to make a joke.

All the other women went back to the conversations they were having before she same into our little circle, but she continued talking to me. "No, seriously! I just thought Suzie was in one of those, you know, motherless families. We never see you at school! I didn't even know you existed!" So-and-so's mother was laughing, but she totally was NOT kidding, as was evidenced by what she went on to say. "We see Adam and the kids around all the time, but I just never hear about you, so I didn't think Suzie had a mother. Adam reminds me of an ex-boyfriend, and every time I see him, I think, 'oh, I wonder if anyone has snatched him up and is taking care of him and those kids at home . . .?' But really, it's great to finally meet you. I'm so happy Suzie DOES have a mother. HA HA HA."

I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I feel like even writing it out like I have above does not convey the absolute shittiness and bitchiness of this little monologue about how I was so absent and uninvolved that this woman seems to think Adam is a widower. I felt tears welling in my eyes, and I honestly didn't know what to say. At one point, I even said, "I don't know what to say to that." At another point, trying to defuse the situation by refusing to get defensive, I told her about the time I picked Suzie up from school and she said, "Look, everyone, I have a mother too!"

So-and-so's mother said, "HA HA, well no wonder she said that! We never see you at school! But then, somebody has to bring home the bacon, am I right? HA HA HA."

She went on to rub it in a little more by saying things like, "Oh, don't feel bad, I've hardly been around school myself lately. I was only there three days last week." At some point I tuned her out and excused myself to go to the bathroom for about 5 minutes because I didn't want to seem like a basket case, but I knew I was going to start crying.

She couldn't have known that I have been struggling BIG TIME with my value as a mother for the last few weeks and that she hit a very sensitive spot. I don't even know if she knows how she was coming across. It is quite possible that other parents who know this woman think she is delightful and innocuous and sensitive. She didn't seem like she was trying to be a bitch; she seemed like she was being totally tone deaf to the fact that perhaps it is insensitive to imply that a fellow mother is so uninvolved in her child's life that her very existence is in question. Adam calls bullshit on all of that and says it was classic Alpha Mom aggression and hostility disguised as casual chit chat.

[seabeyond]

20. i think that gives alpha a bad name

what she sounds like is an awful person. and doesnt sound like it was not intentional. but

having been in the school environment and participant in school for 10, 11 yrs now, i will say, i do NOT hear shit like this from the women. there are stay at homes, working (and we really help these women out, and are friends, as kids are friends), a few stay at home dads and dads that have odd hours and are the ones doing the pick up and drop off of kids

i know the pretty ok parents, because my kids tend to the nice, respectful, kind, thoughtful, thinking kinda kids. the parents have kids like that for a reason.

sounds to me like this woman was on her own, and maybe those other moms realize what she is, as they turned back and ignored her.

[zipplewrath]

28. I've wondered that too

If this woman was not only an exception, but the other parents probably know her for exactly who she is. Had they know the author better, they might have spoken to her about it.

[seabeyond]

35. ya.

you are right on. often i will speak up when i hear digs. always mellow and not hardly noticable, to not escalate, but show a support. and i thought if i had never met the woman, what i would have done. tuning the other woman out, not giving her an audience, might have been what i would do. allow the other mom to handle it.

but it gave me pause, too. this mom was feeling all kinds of things so she was vulnerable, which i probably would not have considered. i love hearing others perspective. thanks.

[Fuzz]

19. I've talked about this topic on DU before, as I am a SAHD and have been

for 14+ years now. Not many were doing it when I started doing it around here. I have two beautiful daughters, and the looks I got at first, especially at the school, wow. Especially since I look like a deranged lumberjack.

Funny story, the first day of Kindergarten for my oldest she made the cover of the local paper and the caption read "*** waves goodbye to her Mommy on the first day of school". It wasn't mommy, it was ME!

We are lucky that my wife's career is going well and we can do this, plus I think, and she does too, that I'm actually better with the kids in many ways. Housekeeping though is not my strong suit. ;)

It does play with your head a little bit even though you think it doesn't, even for the female. Gender roles have been so rigorously ingrained in us, it takes work and communication to get through it all, something I admit we've not always been good at.

Overall, I didn't want my kids raised by strangers, or a nanny. I wanted one of us to be there, and we are fortunate to be able to do it. I can see the difference, for the most part, between my kids and those who are constantly just being watched instead of loved.

[seabeyond]

21. lol, right there with you on all you say

including the housework not being strong suit, lol.

15 yrs of cleaning toilets, well.... lol, enough already.

and if there is no dust on the furniture, how do the kids draw happy faces and i love you messages, lol lol

i pretty much think the same as you thru out your post.

i do know men that are better at parenting. it should nto be a surprise. and we really need to myth bust that one.

[lumberjack_jeff]

32. Imagine if you *were* a deranged lumberjack SAHD.

Okay, maybe not "deranged", per se, but at least eccentric.

I've done the SAHD thing for 10 years now (a bit of an oversimplification) and I've found that, especially at school, ya gotta have a thick skin. When teachers call me for a conference, I take the chair at the head of the table.

And yes, programming does mess with your head. American culture strongly conflates "income" with "worth". But my wife and I are awake to the difference, so it works pretty well for us.

[seabeyond]

36. Imagine if you *were* a deranged lumberjack

lol lol

and you know...

i was thinking of you

[tammywammy]

22. So more men are babysitting their kids

:hide:

[LostinVA]

23. oh no you didn't

:rofl:

[Fuzz]

24. Hope that was a joke.

[seabeyond]

25. well, that could be the offensive way to approach, unless snarky because it was in article.

???

[tammywammy]

26. It was snark

I hate when people say that about fathers as well, and I remember reading quite a bit on a thread the other day where people were railing against that phrase.

:)

[seabeyond]

27. thumbsup. thanks tamywammy....

i agree.

[fishwax]

29. "he gave up work entirely"

well, not exactly, as I'm sure most stay-at-home parents would agree :)

:kick:

[seabeyond]

37. +1. lol. those are the little "trips" in life we just cant think much of

i hear ya. also i understand the definition in paying wage.

one of the nifftiest and most natural thing my hubby did from day one is equate his pay as ours.... our income, our money.

[proteus_lives]

31. It wouldn't bug me to be a stay at home dad/husband.

If that was how it worked out best.

[Cetacea]

33. John Lennon influenced even when he stayed home for five years

And you can bet that if he held a press conference and said he was going to be in DC for a rally a couple of million people would show up. And so would the media. And it WOULD be on the news.

[qb]

38. There will be a lot more stay-at-home husbands when marriage equality spreads across the nation.

:bounce:

[seabeyond]

39. true that, lol

high five....

[shireen]

43. i hope so, and for moms too.

Each family has different dynamics, and the decision for one spouse to stay home while the other works is a personal family decision. But in this economy, which is projected to get worse by some experts, even if one spouse wanted to stay home, how many families could realistically afford it? :(

[SoCalDem]

44. Kids need parents.. If one parent (either sex) can stay with them until they start school it's a win

"Family" money is what counts.. and raising those kids they chose to have.. Modern families have to work it out however it suits them:)

and the kids win, when they can attach equally to Dad:)

Having a post- 6pm Dad, makes it hard for many kids to ever really get to know him:)


and if it keeps kids out of daycare, all the better.

I know that many families HAVE to use daycare, but a parent is better:)..Mom OR Dad

[Withywindle]

47. I think it's awesome.

My former boss's husband stayed home when their kids were little. He's a musician who loves kids - it wasn't a sacrifice for him. She was on more of a "career" path (editor of a weekly newspaper - she'd worked her way from an intern in the mailroom over many years); while she liked and wanted kids, journalism is really where her heart is (plus, she made more money). So Editor-Mom was the breadwinner, and still felt secure knowing the kids would be well cared for and their marriage would be stable no matter how insane her hours were.

Years later, their two boys seem wonderfully well-adjusted, well-educated, smart kids. And while chasing the kids around town and finding out what they really wanted, Musician-Dad played a big role in getting more kid-friendly musical events happening in our city, which is something that countless people outside the immediate family benefitted from.

I toast them both.

[seabeyond]

48. that is a terrific story

i love hearing these stories. i am glad we are able to be more comfortable shedding the role requirements (in some areas anyway).

:toast: with you

[Withywindle]

49. Thanks! It is, isn't it.

I remember riding with Editor-Mom and her two sons on our paper's Pride parade float several years ago. Awesome kids.

I really, really hate reductive gender stereotyping, and I especially hate the idea that women are always looking at a man's paycheck. Dehumanizing to both genders, IMO, and ridiculous now that women aren't limited by forced discrimination to just housewife/teacher/nurse/secretary anymore. For everyone--male, female, straight, gay, lesbian, priority #1 should be COMPANIONSHIP.

[seabeyond]

54. +1. nt

[pitohui]

50. no honey it isn't "almost like bragging," it's desperation and smells like it

highly evolved, who is she kidding? that guy is not highly evolved, he's a fucking scrub!!!!


i wouldn't tolerate a scrub who refused to work, a man who would do that lacks respect both for himself and for me, and he's setting a terrible example to his children -- you really want your kids to grow up thinking it's OK for a grown adult human being not to work and to just live off someone else's money? ugh, sorry...just ugh

what self respecting woman puts up with this? i guess once the kids are there, if the guy THEN quits his jobs and changes the rules of the game, you're just fucked by the "scrub in disguise" but i've known of cases where it should have been obvious the dude was always a bum...the writer who never published anything, he was too busy taking drugs, for example...

of course it's also wrong when a woman tries to ride on the man's income and uses the excuse of kids not to work, but women at least sometimes face such discrimination in the job market that it isn't realistic that we can all get real work, i can understand a woman not being able to work and just salvaging her pride a little by pretending she's staying home for jesus...we all know the real reason is she can't get a job that pays even enough to carry the child care, but it's understandable that she would try to pretend her failure is somehow noble

guys have so much more opportunities, even if they're plain stupid, they usu. have so much more physical strength and options that, i'm sorry, if they're failures, it's kind of hard to whitewash it

pretending the guy is too "evolved" to work, don't make me laugh

the guy i knew best who was doing this, in addition to all the drug-taking, was also cheating on his wife like crazy, eventually she wised up and realized she had to hire child care, you really think he was sitting home and watching a kid all day, he was out partying on her money -- and then he had the nerve to try to get alimony because his nice drug habit makes him unemployable!

[krabigirl]

51. wow....

[U4ikLefty]

53. Wow, I guess we should all be ashamed for having a penis.

We could never care for a household cause we all smaoke crack & chase tail?

Hate men much?

[seabeyond]

56. you missed a big point here. not about penis. it is about kids....

she feels the same about women as men, if one choses to have kids and actually raise them.

[U4ikLefty]

57. WTF??? See your own post #55

She is a sexist pig & I'm not missing the big anything. That shit-for-a-post was anti-male BS.

Her point was painfully obvious, but my hyperbole (the penis talk) seems to have been 10 feet over your head.

I know men that could parent circles around this poster.

[seabeyond]

58. ya.... her whole post is a rant against any parent, be it male or female that has the audacity

to chose to not earn a wage and stay home and raise kids.

she often rants about others staying home and raising kids. this time, it is about the fathers because that is what the thread is about. but still, she throws it in she feels the same way about mothers. generally it is only on the gold digging lazy ass mothers that stay home and raise their kids. shaming them for living off the man.

but i dont care if you want to call her a sexist pig. fine with me. i am cluing poster in, that it is all parents that raise their children she has issue with

[U4ikLefty]

60. Oh please stop making excuses for sexist behavior.

I give a shit about her rants...this was directed at the men.

Please don't tell the object of bigotry that the bigotry doesn't exist.

BTW, why the need to repeatedly defend a bigot???

[seabeyond]

61. are you fuckin for real? not often i meet up with a poster that works so hard to battle

ya

she is a sexist pig. be pissed

but that is all you want to pull out of her post, you are being purposely obtuse. stupid never worked well for me.

[seabeyond]

55. flush the toilet with your post. obviously, on this subject you are clueless, and that is fine

the wonderful thing about all us being unique. but you really dont know wtf you are talking about.

[Forkboy]

52. Whatever works.

:)

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

59. In a just world, the occurrence of the two choices in heterosexual couples would be symmetrical.

A bunch of couples decide both have to work, a bunch of couples decide only one has to work, and in a bunch of others only one managed to get a job.

In bunches 2 and 3, the breakdown should be close to 50-50.