Need assistance, plz...What to say to a person with a life-threatening illness..

[truth2power]

when I don't feel comfortable saying I'm praying for them, or they're in my prayers?

Even if I were to express the above, they would know it's fake because they know my religious/spiritual views.

The UU "Spirit of Life" comes to mind, but I'm just at a loss right now to convey hope for a positive outcome (perhaps not likely) without resorting to a conventional belief in God. Thanks for any help.

[Brickbat]

1. I'm thinking about you. You're in my thoughts.

I wish you comfort/peace.

Peace be with you.

I'll be right over with a hotdish.

(That last one is only if you're in Minnesota, as I am.)

[Mimosa]

2. I care about you...

and "Call me any time."

But sick people feel weak and don't wish to impose so call her (or him). Bring over lunch to her home and enjoy. :)

[Berry Cool]

3. Say you're very sorry about what has happened, and that you'll keep them in your thoughts

and hope for the best possible outcome--and if you can, volunteer to be of help in some concrete way. Don't expect them to come up with it; volunteer something, and if something else would be more helpful, they will say so. But they will appreciate it very much. It's better than "if there's anything I can do..."

[truedelphi]

12. Liking what you say.

People, even people suffering a terminal illness, are not about to ask for help.

So volunteering is good.

[Booster]

4. Take them gambling. That's what I did when my best friend came

down with cancer. We took the oxygen tank and all and she had the best time. She's gone now, but I knew she would want to go gambling.

[nadinbrzezinski]

5. If you can

a good hug, and not saying a thing, might be all you need to do.

If that is not possible, you are in my thoughts.

[Cleita]

6. Tell them that you really care and

hope for the best for them. Ask them what you can do for them.

[jillan]

7. Visit them as often as you can. See what you can do for them.

Are they bedridden? Grab a washcloth and a bowl of warm water and pat them with it. Put lotion on their skin.

Stop by with food....if they're hungry. Alot of people have no appetite at the end.

Being there for them is all you can do, you don't need words, other than to ask them if they are feeling better today - that will give them the option of talking about their illness.

[handmade34]

8. good advice from others

"I'm here if you want to talk"
"just called to say I'm thinking of you"
I'm coming over with the makings of ice cream sundaes (or lasagna, or whatever)"
"........" silence and just being there to listen sometimes is good
Your friend is still the same person and needs reasons to smile and laugh and belong. I think too often we think we need to say the right thing and it is more important just to be there...

[truth2power]

23. Thank you. This sums up a lot of what's being said here. I need to

remember that part about still being the same person with reasons to smile and laugh. I have to resist the feeling that if I make a joke I'm being, I don't know, disrespectful, somehow.

[howaboutme]

9. Doing something that helps is important

and appreciated. No one likes to ask for help but there are always things to do that help, from providing a meal to a ride to helping with a yard chore. These are all burdens that people worry about when they are seriously ill (including terminal).

As an example I had an elderly neighbor that was sick and one of chores that I took on was taking their trash to and from the street each week. It was an easy thing for me but was something difficult for them.

[lynne]

10. It's not what you say. It's what you do -

- be there for them. Call them. Take them places. Make their favorite foods. Don't forget them. Many times people are uncomfortable around someone with a terminal illness and friends will quietly fall away. Be there for the tough times, be there to listen and help in any way you can.

That says more than any words you could ever muster.

[sarge43]

11. "Can I help you?" n/t

[truth2power]

13. I'd like to express my gratitude for all your kind responses to this thread...

Some very good ideas. I think I just needed a nudge. My (co-worker) friend is a very private person. But I'm going to act on some suggestions.

[w8liftinglady]

14. start out with-how are ya doing?

let them start the conversation.I have worked with dying people as a nurse for 25 years,but my latest experience was my dad.God never came up.He told me to keep his love in my mind-that would never leave.let them tell you.Always let them know you care.Everyone is so different.

[Warpy]

15. "Tell me if there is something you need, something I can do"

That's the most helpful thing. Prayer does nothing for anyone but the one doing the praying. Helping them shop, cook and clean does a hell of a lot more.

I've been living with a potentially life threatening illness for a long time now. I don't need bromides, but sometimes I need help.

[CountAllVotes]

16. go visit or call the person

you'd be surprised how many sick and disabled people are shut-ins. Sad reality, believe me.

A visit or a call could be more than you'd ever suspect value wise.

[TransitJohn]

17. "Wanna go smoke a jay?" n/t

n/t

[truth2power]

24. That's good. I like that!..

:rofl:

[Greyhound]

18. Whatever you say, mean it. If you are close, stay close. If you weren't it doesn't matter

as they have much more on their mind than you.

What has hurt us the worst have been the endless protestations of caring and offers of help that evaporate whenever called for.

Don't do that and you're fine.

[cynatnite]

19. When my Dad was dying...everyone left but me...

My sister left and so did my mom. They could not handle it. I was the only one with him when he died.

When he knew he was dying, they couldn't handle being around him for any length of time. It bothered them. I could see the fear in their eyes. I was scared as hell, too, but I couldn't leave him.

To this day I truly believe that being there helped him.

Also, I spent a lot of years in the medical field and I've watched people die. Sometimes they were alone and sometimes they weren't.

IMO, the worst thing of all is dying alone.

[w8liftinglady]

20. we did the same things with our dads.It was right.

I am sending healing thoughts your way...

[handmade34]

25. way too many people die alone

we have completely distorted death and dying in this culture. I was with my husband, at home after his (not ours) kids just couldn't handle being there. When my step-father was dying, my mother and sister couldn't handle it either; I wasn't close to him but I was not going to let him die alone. I stayed for hours and held his hand and talked to him a bit. There is an incredible peace that comes with the experience

[struggle4progress]

21. What's wrong with "I think about you a lot" or some equivalent?

In the last decade or so, I've conversed extensively with five elderly relatives when they were dying. In all cases, I knew or suspected the person would die within a year, so I just called them regularly to chat about how things were going and stuff in general

The point is to let the person know you care and that they're on your mind -- and to give them some relief from thinking only about death as they confront illness daily

Stay in contact with your friend: how often depends on how close a friend; it might not need to be every day; maybe once every ten days is enough if you're not super-close. Talk about what you're up to; ask how their family and friends are; talk about stuff that you both find interesting; let them know you think about them

[truth2power]

29. "I think about you a lot." I've said that. I thought maybe it sounded trite..

I don't know why.

[struggle4progress]

30. Say it with different words next time. Say it by staying in touch.

Just let em know somehow that you care

[truth2power]

31. TY. n/t

[bobbolink]

22. Rather than Saying...... LISTEN.

Most people really aren't needing or wanting to be "straightened out".... they need to be able to share themselves honestly.

If you show that you are willing to listen, they may be able to share their grief, their fear, etc. THAT would be the biggest gift you can offer.

[Critters2]

26. You care for them, and wish them the best. nt

[slipslidingaway]

27. truth2power, I will echo what others have said about helping them ...

in some way. Think of things they might need AND that you are willing/capable of doing and offer your services. It could be ride, some meals, grocery shopping or if you want to be more involved an offer to go with them to an appointment if you think they do not have anyone else in the area. If you offer the latter then be prepared for other appointments etc. which can be a Big commitment, so maybe starting slow would be the best course. You can always let them know you are thinking of them, wishing them strength etc. if it is a more casual relationship and ask them how things are going. It really depends upon how much you want to become involved, regardless of that answer, it does say quite a bit about you ... that you even think enough to pose the question. :)

[truth2power]

28. Thank you and others for all the great suggestions here. I'm bookmarking this thread

so I can come back to it. A useful resource. :)

[northernlights]

32. my sister is fighting recurrent triple-negative breast cancer

When I call her, I ask her how she is doing, how are her treatments going? I don't tell her "I'm thinking about you" simply because the fact that I called tells her that.

If anything is not going well, I do what I can to help her -- for example when I learned that her last blood draw resulted in her bleeding all over her clothes and the floor due to an incompetent phlebotomist poking her all over the place and giving up too quickly, I researched 1. why they couldn't use her port for routine phlebotomy, and 2. who had the ultimate power to ensure it didn't happen again (her doctor, the one in charge. And I let her know that she didn't need to allow somebody to try over and over and over again -- at my local hospitals the rules are 2 failed attempts and go get a supervisor w/more experience.

If she's up to it, we chat a little about what's going on in our lives and I tell her funny stories. If she's too tired or in too much pain, we don't.

If I were closer, I would offer to help with all chores. Her husband has a 3 hour commute to work each day, so he has to be exhausted.

Things to offer:

1. Rides to treatment (when her joints were too weak to support her, she had to call around for 3 days to find someone from Catholic charities to drive her to treatments)
2. Food shopping, cooking
3. Housework, yardwork
4. errands
5. Just plain being there, sitting with her
6. Reading to her, playing music for her
7. Walking the dog for her

These are things I could do if I weren't stuck a thousand miles away.