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Top Secret! Cheney Hospital Document!

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H2O Man Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 08:15 AM
Original message
Top Secret! Cheney Hospital Document!
A June 24, 2010 document, designated “Top Secret: National Insecurity,” details the true nature of former Vice President Richard Bruce Cheney's recent hospitalization. VP Cheney is being held at the Acute Psychiatric Services Wing of the Bethesda Naval Hospital, at an undisclosed location, for observation. The “public release” will suggest that Cheney is hospitalized for “mild discomfort and chest pains,” the same cover story that was successfully used on February 22, 2010.

On Wednesday, June 23, 2010, the Central Intelligence Agency recorded a series of one hundred thirty two phone calls from the former vice president, demanding that former Ambassador Joseph Wilson be sent to the Hostess Headquarters in Cuba, to document that President Barack H. Obama has acquired an undisclosed amount of Twinkies Yellow Cake, and thus poses a “dire threat to U.S. national security.”

On Thursday, June 24, 2010, Cheney approached the White House lawn with a companion, Harry Whittington. Both men were dressed in high-quality Cabela hunting gear, and were armed with shotguns and fishing poles. VP Cheney informed Secret Service Agent Walter “Ringo” Starr that he was returning to reclaim his rightful throne, under the Continuity of Government Act that he instituted on September 11, 2001. When Agent Starr questioned Cheney, the former vice president began quoting Scene II, Act 4 of Hamlet.

Agent Starr noted that VP Cheney “appeared to be under great stress.” At this point, VP Cheney began shouting, “I have a hostage!” and “Legalize Lonnie Anderson's hair!” Agent Starr then suggested that he could call Lewis “Scooter” Libby; at this point, VP Cheney shouted, “We Did It! We Did It!,” and shot Mr. Whittington in the face. After accepting Mr. Whittington's sincere apology, VP Cheney was taken into protective custody.

A Friday, June 25, 2010 report notes that VP Cheney remains psychotic, and suffering from optical delusions. In the past 24 hours, Cheney has:

(1)Informed doctors that he is actually Valerie Plame Wilson, working undercover, and that if the hospital does not release “her” immediately, their failure will do grave damage to the United States;
(2)Stated that he “knows his constitutional rights,” and will both refuse to talk and demand his Amendment 2 right to bear arms.
(3)Experienced periods of extreme paranoia, in which he suggests that all offered medical assistance is “torture in Violation of the Geneva Convention,” and has threatened to have Patrick Fitzgerald prosecute anyone who offers him a glass of water.
(4)Demanded that General McChrystal follow his order to “remove Obama from office, or face stern discipline.”
(5)Requested a meeting with the EPA, to “prove that Reagan was right: trees, not oil spills, are a threat to the environment.”

For further updates, please check the following official web site:
www//http: yipstertimes/notreality/1984.com
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spanone Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 08:16 AM
Response to Original message
1. love it!!! k&r
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H2O Man Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 08:22 AM
Response to Reply #1
5. I felt the need
to reveal this document here on DU, before the next two request-threads: the flowers-for-dick thread, and the prayer chain.
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spanone Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 08:35 AM
Response to Reply #5
7. prayer chain...bwahahahahaa
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H2O Man Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 09:44 AM
Response to Reply #7
17. Our chain
is only as strong as it's weakest link. We must be brave.
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badgerpup Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-27-10 07:16 AM
Response to Reply #7
43. One can pray for many things, can't one...
I keep praying that I get a winning lottery ticket, but so far the answer's been "Nope...you can't haz. Not yours."

On another note...Cabela's has some nice stuff, as well as a cool store (at least in my neck o' the woods).
Got an attractive, incredibly comfortable (although somewhat spendy :yoiks:) pair of closed-toe TevaTM sandals there...
as well as some camo CrocsTM just for the hell of it.
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babylonsister Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 08:18 AM
Response to Original message
2. Your sympathy is so touching!
This is hilarious! :rofl:


:hi:
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H2O Man Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 08:33 AM
Response to Reply #2
6. It was lucky
that this document fell into the right hands. Others may have abused it.
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malaise Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 08:18 AM
Response to Original message
3. This is brilliant - freaking perfect
Getting up off the floor - bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah hahahahahahha
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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H2O Man Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 09:08 AM
Response to Reply #3
12. Every word is true.
We must support this noble warrior in his time of need.
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Forkboy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 08:20 AM
Response to Original message
4. *SNARF*
:rofl:
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H2O Man Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 09:21 AM
Response to Reply #4
15. I know that you
are very upset by this. We all are. We must join together in this difficult time. He would do no less for us.
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Jazzgirl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 08:39 AM
Response to Original message
8. LOLOLOLOL!!!!
I'm still trying to get up off the floor!!!
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H2O Man Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 10:33 AM
Response to Reply #8
21. We all are.
This news is stunning. We're all floored.
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HCE SuiGeneris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 08:40 AM
Response to Original message
9. H2OLeaks...
what an invaluable resource. :o
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H2O Man Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 01:05 PM
Response to Reply #9
22. Thanks.
As I've noted elsewhere, no American has every sacrificed so much ..... Dick willingly sacrificed the Constitution, the sane branch of the CIA, millions of people's jobs and homes, the environment, and countless lives. The fact that he has made a few billion dollars here and there for himself and his pals is surely overshadowed by his willingness to sacrifice.
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siligut Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 08:48 AM
Response to Original message
10. Poor delusional dick.
Oops, I mean Dick.
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H2O Man Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 01:05 PM
Response to Reply #10
23. Right
the first time!
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alsame Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 08:52 AM
Response to Original message
11. "He began quoting Hamlet."
:rofl: :rofl:

Thanks for this hilarious piece!
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H2O Man Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 01:13 PM
Response to Reply #11
25. Thank you.
Edited on Sat Jun-26-10 01:13 PM by H2O Man
I suspect that you, like millions of American citizens, have gathered your family, friends, and indeed the entire neighborhood, for a game of Dick Cheney Trivial Pursuit. Deluxe Edition here.

Many people do not know that the old classic television series "The Rifleman," starring Chuck Connors as Lucas McCain (who was not the US Senator's younger brother)and Johnny Crawford as his son Mark, was based on VP Cheney and his son, Scooter. Set in the 1880s in North Fork, New Mexico Territory (with numerous illigals creating dastardly waves of crime), the series (1956 to '63), Chuck Connors said it was the highlight of his career to be able to portray the future Vietnam War Hero Cheney on the small screen.
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alsame Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 03:29 PM
Response to Reply #25
30. H2O Man, you are giving me
Edited on Sat Jun-26-10 03:29 PM by alsame
a lot of laughs on a day that they are really needed!

Thank you!
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Joanne98 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 09:16 AM
Response to Original message
13. LOL
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H2O Man Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 01:14 PM
Response to Reply #13
26. Thank you.
VP Cheney thanks you, as well.
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niyad Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 09:20 AM
Response to Original message
14. k and r--just what I needed this morning
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H2O Man Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 01:15 PM
Response to Reply #14
27. Normally, I do not
correct people's spelling on DU. However, the correct spelling is "mourning." We're all there. I'm hoping we can make it through the day.
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WillyT Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 09:22 AM
Response to Original message
16. Bravo !!! - K & R !!!
Well done, Sir!!!

:rofl:

:yourock:

:hi:
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H2O Man Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 05:25 PM
Response to Reply #16
32. Thanks.
I'm rather enjoying this thread myself. DUers need a good laugh, and there are plenty here, without resorting to the mean-spiritedness that defines the republicans.
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librechik Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 09:52 AM
Response to Original message
18. Shocking! (but completely appropriate)
:rofl:
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BeatleBoot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 09:52 AM
Response to Original message
19. Okay, Captain Obvious

Tell us something we didn't know!

:spray:


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peekaloo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 09:53 AM
Response to Original message
20. Kick for screen grabs!
:bounce:
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Raksha Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 01:10 PM
Response to Original message
24. LOLOL!!! Love it!!!
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Joey Liberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 01:21 PM
Response to Original message
28. Hahaha!
Good one!
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Beringia Donating Member (193 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 02:08 PM
Response to Original message
29. power does get into the wrong hands
at times. What a yarn.
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Mira Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 03:31 PM
Response to Original message
31. It is conceivable that I have read a better piece,
and a funnier one on DU in the 6 years I've been here.
But I do not remember when.

BRILLIANT
and, of course, recommended
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gleaner Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 05:27 PM
Response to Original message
33. You got me ...
I bustled right over here to read about crazy Dick and wound up in a helpless fit of laughter. Good post. I think a lot of people might enjoy it, so I gave it a Rec.;)
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kgnu_fan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 05:48 PM
Response to Original message
34. hahaha, good H2O Man!
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sam sarrha Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 09:50 PM
Response to Original message
35. the only heart that would match his system was that of a Maco Shark.. Rush is worried about the
Edited on Sat Jun-26-10 09:51 PM by sam sarrha
Secret Service in that ambulance tailing him...
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BrklynLiberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 09:53 PM
Response to Original message
36. Thank you H2O Man
I have not enjoyed a post this much in weeks...
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pinboy3niner Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-26-10 09:55 PM
Response to Original message
37. Oh, what slings and arrows he has to bear...
And it couldn't happen to a more "deserving" person!

:rofl:
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condoleeza Donating Member (464 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-27-10 12:51 AM
Response to Original message
38. Well, I was just hoping he was dying, finally
Now, geez, I'm desperately trying to access that small bit of empathy lodged within that must give a rats ass. Can't find it anywhere.
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tosh Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-27-10 01:15 AM
Response to Original message
39. Awww CRAP...
red wine is EVERWHERE!!!!

:spray:
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orbitalman Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-27-10 01:16 AM
Response to Original message
40. You could only compose that that well smoking "something!" nt
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annabanana Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-27-10 05:13 AM
Response to Original message
41. You don't *do* much snark. .But when ya does
It's cherse!
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LawnKorn Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-27-10 07:08 AM
Response to Original message
42. K&R
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ElsewheresDaughter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-27-10 08:38 AM
Response to Original message
44. Chandra Levy's heart must have stopped working....have any young interns been reported missing?
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