My mother, diagnosed with fatal brain cancer, wants a non-religious ceremony

[zulchzulu]

Yeah, it's incredibly sad beyond words. Too many tears...

My mother, who was a Catholic up until a priest told her she murdered her child who had died from premature death, has become over the years something akin to a Taoist or perhaps a secular Buddhist. She is a nature friend who has even sold books on her talents at flower arrangements and such. The woman knows her flowers and she knows they mean a lot to people.

After much battle with bladder cancer, the cancer has spread to her brain. It is taking a heavy toll. Still, she smiles even after losing the long locks of hair that were part of her endless beauty. Being the mother of six children, she loves all that life can splendidly make flourish. She had turned a sprightly 75 a couple weeks ago at a hospital among family and we sang "Happy Birthday" so loud that other patients nearby were said to have enjoyed the laughter. You never know when the most precious times will be in life especially when they would seem the least time to celebrate.

Aside from perhaps getting wonderful support from the DU community, I was wondering if others went through this and where their loved one demanded a secular non-religious ceremony and what they might suggest.

I'll be playing guitar doing some music mediations at her ceremony with photosynthesis in mind, but welcome any and all suggestions. Since she wants to be cremated, I have asked for some ashes to spread out at Monet's garden in Giverny, France. I kept telling her, a superior flower arranger extraordinaire, to go there. She hasn't made it there yet. Her ashes will.

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. *hugs* Does she have any favorite poetry you could share?

[Maat]

2. You might consider a Unitarian-Universalist minister, if

you want a minister at all.

We are congregations composed of Buddhists, Atheists, Pagans, New-Thought adherents, etc., etc. We coalesce around the Seven Principles (e.g. everyone is worthy of dignity and respect) - www.uua.org.

Hugs to you during this difficult time.

[nadinbrzezinski]

3. Not with family

but one of our EMTs, died at 67. Well apart of the military ceremony that he was entitled to, the family did a service by the sea shore. They read poetry... and sang songs, and played his favorite music, and read from his diaries, which he kept for years. The service started at five and lasted until the sun went down, at which point they got a bonfire going, and kept the poetry readying onto the night.

We kept coming back as calls allowed.

[msanthrope]

4. Your local ethical society may be able to help you with a ceremony, also

give you tips on which funeral home/cemetary to use.

I am sorry for your moother's illness. Don't forget to take care of yourself.

[K8-EEE]

5. Oh no!!!! K&Ring for you my friend....

I'm very very very sorry! I have to say that one of the most beautiful services I've ever attended was at the Self-Realization Center here in L.A., which kind of celebrates all religions but is not denominational. They are known for their beautiful gardens. So if you could have something where people bring something green -- living plants, for your photosynthesis theme. I've found that green plants lift the spirits of sick people, where as flowers sometimes make them ill (pollen & fragrance.)

[tekisui]

6. I wish for comfort to you and your family.

It sounds like an outdoor service would be fitting. You will know what to do. Peace to you and yours.

[beyurslf]

7. I would do something that reminds you of her. or something you used to share together.

In my family, that is playing games, sitting around talking about funny stories, and eating a big meal. A very typical thing we do is get together to remember someone we lost and we each take a turn telling a story about them.

[artfan]

8. options

-Unitarian Universalist

-if you are going through a funeral home they will often be able to help

-I have a friend whose brother is an ordained minister not affiliated with any church he performs many weddings and presides and many funerals and does a wonderful job celebrating life and respecting the families views rather than forcing people to see/do things is way I am sure you will be able to find someone like him if you ask around

-ask friends and family to take turns telling a story celebrating her life

[K8-EEE]

9. Just want to share a comforting thought I read

From Roger Ebert who was talking about how he views death, having been very ill for a long time. He also is not religious. He said: I was perfectly content before I was born and I will be perfectly content after I die. I found that so much more comforting than any of the "I'm Gonna Live Forever With The Saved People" or any of that stuff. I am also very tied to nature and I just want to be like my plants; have a life and then go back into nature.

[RKP5637]

10. Sounds very nice, what you have planned. I would want similar. Playing the

guitar doing some music meditations with photosynthesis in mind sounds nice. There might be some affirmations that could be worked in that would be appropriate. My condolences.

[BanzaiBonnie]

11. I'm sorry , this is a difficult time for you and yours

Have a celebration of her life. Gather those who know and love her and recall the good times. Play your guitar and whatever songs she loved, remind you of her or what you love to play. It's all in honor of her life.

We did this with immediate family only, for my husband's grandfather. It was totally informal and very sweet. There was nothing uptight and it was very satisfying. Much more so than any funeral I've ever been to.

[SoCalDem]

12. Two recent services I attended were quite "casual", and very nice.

When my friend Mary died suddenly, her service was at the funeral home, and then we all went back to her house for a barbeque and spent a few hours there just reminiscing about her.

I know you want to participate in the service, but do not take on more than you feel comfortable doing,.. ask others to say some words and help out, and let yourself be a "guest"..

when people ask if there is anything they can do, LET THEM HELP and tell them what you would like for them to do.. the standard thing is for people to say "Thanks but I'm ok & don't need anything".

I'm sorry to hear about your Mom..:hug:

[pnwmom]

13. Is a funeral home involved with the cremation? They are experienced in

non-religious ceremonies.

[pipi_k]

27. I was going to suggest the same thing...have the FH director

do a service...ask family and friends if they would like to say a few words, tell an amusing story...share memories...

have a table full of photos, etc.

That's pretty much what my cousin's family did after he died and was cremated.

It was lovely.

[Jack Rabbit]

14. While your mother is still able to answer, ask her what she wants

My sister was an atheist. Her service, held at the Neptune Society in San Francisco, was presided over by a Buddhist minister. She would have approved since she was familiar with Buddhism, had many Buddhist friends and married the son of a Buddhist minister.

I'm UU, and there are suggestions above that this would be an option. You might suggest this to your mother and see what she thinks.

[mmonk]

15. My aunt requested no religious ceremony as well.

Her wishes were granted. I can't remember who presided over her funeral but it was a lady in a blue suit.

[sandnsea]

16. Sending strength and comfort

Losing a parent is such a difficult thing, and seeing one succumb to cancer is doubley cruel. It sounds like you have a very loving relationship with her and I hope it comforts you. I'm sure whatever memorial you have for her will reflect her spirit and the love everyone has received from her over the years.

[fizzgig]

17. no suggestions, but my deepest condolences to you

peace and comfort to you and yours :hug:

[vixengrl]

18. I don't doubt that you will do well by her in the seeing-out.

This strikes at one of the fears I have--my parents and I have never really discussed religion--ever. My father is possibly anti-theist, my mother somewhat deist, but neither of them attend church, and expecting their agnostic (my brother) and atheist (me) offspring to send them out properly will be astonishing--unless the choose to provide us with very specific instructions.

I recall being a little phased by the hip, youngish (he had a pony-tail= to my brother's!) Lutheran minister who eulogized my Grandmother--he used the phrase "your servant, Helen" just a litle too much. I imagined my Grandmom showing up at the Holy Gates with a bucket and mop, "So, your Holiness, I understand you run a clean afterlife--I was a nurse, and I'll show you some clean!" But that wasn't her. She wasn't a church-going woman--and she was dead practical. I know she encouraged me to sing in church choir, but I think that was because she knew that I was like her and had a need to sing, and wanted to suggest a place where I could always let my voice loose. (I loved my grandmom--she understood me, I think. My dad didn't want her to see my tattoos when I got them, but she looked at the one on my leg and said, "Isn't that nice?" as if I just chose something tasteful enough (she probably yelled at my dad when he came home from Okinawa in the Corps with my mom's name on his arm--she gave my tat more room than his--so I think she shifted her tolerance over the years. She was pretty thoughtful and open-minded.)

If I wanted to do well by my parents, I don't think I know how, not having had "the talk". It's worse with my husband--if we have to see out a mass for his parents someday (his family being Catholic) I suppose we could--but if he were to predecease them? I'd be the awful person constructing an atheist cremation. Knowing him best of course. And being of his same lack of faith, myself. And having to explain this is how he wanted it--no god, no heaven or hell, just an appreciation that he lived and what he did. But having to explain this to all his Catholic family? It would be hard.

[Wandawilkerson]

19. She deserves whatever she wants

God bless her.

[Mojeoux]

20. My Mom, also an ex-Catholic, left this poem with instructions

that it be read at the spreading of her ashes in the Pacific Ocean.



Do not stand at my grave and weep..

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awake in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft star-shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry..

I am not there. I did not die.


This beautiful poem is attributed to a woman named Mary Frye in 1932 and published in 1944, but somehow, noone knows for sure.

[Ruby the Liberal]

22. +1 This was read at my grandma's funeral years ago

[Ruby the Liberal]

21. I have only two thoughts

What is her favorite place to be - where she feels at peace OR here has she always wanted to go?

Secondly, :hug: to you through this time as you face these decisions. I have been there and can appreciate the slow-mo apocalypse your family is feeling.

[Okie4Obama]

23. My grandfather was an atheist and a Marine.

We had my husband give a eulogy about my grandfather's service in Korea, his pioneering work as a computer engineer, and his devotion to his family. Then, several of us got up and said a few words, and then the Marines did the flag ceremony and played Taps. Grandpa was also cremated, and I placed his ashes in the ground.

It was a celebration of his accomplishments and what he meant to us. I think that's the best way to say goodbye to someone who doesn't believe in an afterlife or a deity.

[roguevalley]

24. your mama should get what she wants. her life is a celebration

now. I wish you only the best. take care.

[Angry Dragon]

25. kick

[zulchzulu]

26. Thanks so much to one and all for your support and advice

It is absolutely greatly appreciated.

:hi:

[HopeHoops]

28. Same as what I want. I don't need some minister who never knew me spewing generic bullshit about me

Most of it wouldn't apply anyway. My F-I-L was raised Catholic. The Methodist minister who conducted his service never knew him and I told my wife afterward that if her dad was watching, he would have been screaming "OH BULLSHIT!" the whole time. At his daughters' request, after the minister was finished, those of us who wanted to share short stories about our dealings with him got turns with the microphone (fortunately a cordless). THAT was the real ceremony, and that's what meant the most to everyone.

Respect her wishes and construct your OWN tribute to her life, one that means something special to those in attendance.

[dgibby]

29. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, zz.

It sounds as if she's a great person who celebrates life. I'd think that would be a great theme for her service, one of celebration for a life well lived. Is there a garden you could use for the service? If not, I'd think some other natural setting would be more appropriate than something formal.

When I go, I want to be cremated, my ashes spread in several of my favorite places, and I want my family and friends to have a nice picnic at the river. I want all the oldies from the '60's and '70's played, as well as all the country classics. No formal service, no designated speaker, just family and friends sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Anyone who wants to can donate to my and/or their favorite charities in lieu of flowers. I just want to keep it as simple as possible, and I definitely want to keep religion out of it.

[lonestarnot]

30. I am sorry zulchzulu.

[Brickbat]

31. We had a non-religious wake for Mr. Brickbat's grandmother many years ago. She wanted to be cremated

so we met at the crematorium, where they had a nice sort of conference room with a kitchen. We all brought some food, and sat around and talked about her. Her children came from all around the country, so it was also like a family reunion. We hung out for a couple hours. Her body was downstairs in another nice room, in a coffin and all dressed up. So as we wanted to we could go down and view the body and say our goodbyes to it. That was it.

I think the children (my FIL and his siblings) were there when they put the coffin in the crematorium itself, but I don't know.

It was very low-key, but then, we are a very low-key family. There were no tears, but much laughter and affection.

I hope you find comfort and meaning in these last days. It is so hard to lose your mother. You're in my thoughts.

[Junkie Brewster]

32. It would be good to have a friend or family member with steely reserve officiate

When I was a teenager, I attended the funeral of our neighbor, a free-thinker. One of his oldest friends officiated. Frankly, I'm pretty sure the guy had taken some herbal refreshment before the ceremony, but he held it together well, managing not to cry until the end.

I went to another funeral a few years ago for a friend who died of bipolar disorder. Well, she committed suicide, but she was driven to it by her illness. Her funeral wasn't totally secular, but I remember her brother read a poem about a woman who died. The poem was quite old, but seemed to suggest that the subject had also been bipolar. I teared up just now, trying to find the poem. Maybe you can find something as appropriate?

Here Lies a Lady
John Crowe Ransom

Here lies a lady of beauty and high degree.
Of chills and fever she died, of fever and chills,
The delight of her husband, her aunt, an infant of three,
And of medicos marveling sweetly on her ills.

For either she burned, and her confident eyes would blaze,
And her fingers fly in a manner to puzzle their heads –
What was she making? Why, nothing; she sat in a maze
Of old scraps of laces, snipped into curious shreds.

Or this would pass, and the light of her fire decline
Till she lay discouraged and cold, like a thin stalk white and blown,
And would not open her eyes, to kisses, to wine;
The sixth of these states was her last; the cold settled down.

Sweet ladies, long may ye bloom, and toughly I hope ye may thole,
But was she not lucky? In flowers and lace and mourning,
In love and great honor we bade God rest her soul
After six little spaces of chill, and six of burning.

[badgerpup]

33. Don't know if this will help...

Both my folks went with cremation. They had scrapbooks at the memorial ceremony showing various pictures, articles, journal entries...a sort of quick overview of the person's life.

People came up and spoke at the microphone- "I remember when....", which gave a perspective to those of us who hadn't known Mom or Dad back in the day...showed a completely different facet than the one many of us had known.

Of course, there was the get-together afterwards- the traditional 'funeral baked meats'...and a lot of wine and good Irish whiskey was consumed as well.

Those who attended seemed satisfied...they'd both had the send-off they'd requested and those left behind felt that a proper 'goodbye- for now' had been given.

[gauguin57]

34. So sorry to hear it. Here's a song I want played at my service ... it describes my spirituality

I want this beautiful song played at my funeral, because it describes how I feel about God, the afterlife and spirituality. Dunno if it's up your street, or your mom's, but perhaps the lyrics will be comforting. It's on the CD Cobblestone Runway, by Ron Sexsmith.

Sending you prayers.


God Loves Everyone
By Ron Sexsmith

(you can hear a snip here):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7Bs7Do8yAI


God loves everyone
Like a mother loves her son
No strings at all
Unconditional
Never one to judge
Would never hold a grudge
'Bout what's been done
God loves everyone

There are no gates in heaven
Everyone gets in
Queer or straight
Souls of every faith
Hell is in our minds
Hell is in this life
But when it's gone
God takes everyone

Its love is like a womb
It’s like the air from room to room
It surrounds us all
The living and the dead
May we never lose the thread
That bound us all

The killer in his cell
The atheist as well
The pure of heart
And the wild at heart
Are all worthy of its grace
It's written in the face
Of everyone
God loves everyone

There's no need to be saved
No need to be afraid
Cause when it’s done
God takes everyone

God loves everyone

[elehhhhna]

35. given her love of flora,

can you ask friends and family to send her flowers now, rather than, you know, later?

Re; the after -- would she like a video or pictures played at the memorial? Which ones? To what music?


My neighbor planned a beautiful non - denom for herself (she was 41), including a

photomontage w/ husband & kids set to Bryan Ferry's "More Than This".


Her parents blew into town the day before she died and blew off ALL her final plans.