Thank you DUers for helping me reach this point

[rustydog]

Shortly after Christmas I posted about preventing someone from committing suicide.

I felt compelled to write a follow up.

The response from DUers was more helpful than you will ever know. I know now that I was desperately seeking help that I did not seek at work. You guys helped me immensely and I want to thank all of you for your comments, suggestions and unselfish love at a time I felt nothing but fear and sadness.

On March 19th I wrote in a journal that it had been 85 days since the incident and not one day had passed that I did not relive the event or think of how profoundly it affected me emotionally and psychologically.

The incident began as a radio call to the duty officer of a woman who gave staff on the 4th floor a strange note then walked into the stairwell. The radio call said the woman was acting sick.
This stairwell has a large open center core to allow large equipement to be lifted to the building roof 6 stories up. The call did not "sound right" to me so I advised that I would be responding as well.

I reached the stairwell in under a minute and began to ascend from the basement. As I rounded the 3rd floor landing, I could see a shadow on the wall above me. The shadow faced the inside railing, hands on the top rail and the right foot was being placed on the bottom railing.

I continued upward and as I passed the 4th floor landing, I came upon a female who made eye contact. She stared directly into my eyes and climbed over the railing' standing on a slender metal lip on the outer stairwell and began to inch her way up to the 5th floor landing. She had the most vacant stare I had seen in my life. I knew she was going to jump.

I called to her asking: "What are you doing? What's going on?" She answered in the deadest tone of voice I had ever heard: "I am going to fall."
I am very close to her now and I ask again: "What are you doing?" She stopped, looked at me and said; "I'm going to go, I'm going to fall." And she let go of the railing with one hand and leaned out into the stairwell core.

As she began to fall backward, I told her I was going to hold her hand and I grabbed her wrist and pulled down until the railing touched her armpit. I had to release one hand to call for help on the radio and called for help STAT.
The responding officer kept radioing asking me what was going on, where was I.

I was hanging on the the woman, scared out of my mind and thinking to myself: "Didn't this fucking idiot hear the original radio call giving the location? Didn't he have the ability to put 2 and 2 together and come help me?

I released one arm again and screamed into the radio: "I need 911 called, I need police, I have a jumper in the stairwell. I need help NOW!"

I don't know how many minutes passed since grabbing the woman. all I knew was we were alone and I was scared to death that any minute now, I'd drop her. My mind is racing: "Please God, don't let me lose my grip. Don't let me watch her fall. Don't do this to me, please!" Still, no one is coming. How many minutes have passed now? After an eternity a door opens below us. I look through the railing and see a third security officer looking at us stunned.

"Get up here NOW" I scream at him. He rushes up, grabs her belt and an ankle. Then two maintenance men who were working on the roof come on the scene and they grab her around the waist. (Thank You God)

As this transpires, the first officer continues to radio me. Another Maintenance man appears and he is smart enough to volunteer to be my communication link so that I can focus on the woman. I ask the guys if they believe they have a good-enough hold to pull the woman over the railing to safety. They do. We pull her to safety and I make her sit on the landing away from the railing.

I know now that I began to break down around this time. it was near-impossible for me to function or keep a train of thought. There were so many things going through my mind: "What now? Do we stay here and wait for police? I need to ger her out of this stairwell. Do I force her to the ER before police arrive?" As these thoughts come and go, I try to talk to the woman who is making totally incoherent statements and constantly trying to jump to her feet. I decide we need to get her out of the stairwell now.

I direct one person to retrieve a wheelchair and I tell my partner we will stand the woman up and walk her to the 4th floor lobby for safety. As we stand with her, she breaks free of the other officer and lunges for the stairwell railing again. I spin her around to the ground and hold her there. A fourth officer arrives on scene and applies handcuffs. he and I now safely walk the woman to the lobby and place her in the wheelchair I requested.

The police arrived shortly thereafter along with two social workers from the ER and they briefly interview the female. The other security officer begins to ask me all kinds of questions and making suggestions. I look at him and say: "I'm not understanding anything you are saying right now... I can't focus." He took over for me and I walked a few feet away and called our boss at home to brief him.

I really do not recall much of the conversation. I know he asked if I was all right and if the woman was all right and I said I don't know.

I hung up, walked into the stairwell to the top floor sat down and began to cry. I do not know how long I was in the stairwell. Maybe ten minutes. I returned to the lobby finding it empty. knowing things were under control I returned to the stairwell to try to understand what had happened and regain my composure.

I made my way to the Emergency Department and the room the woman was secured in. The responding police officers wre conferring with the social workers. I check on my co-workers, thank the maintenance staff for their actions in saving the woman's life.

Then I decide it is time to talk to the police and tell them what I observed in the stairwell and the actions taken to stop the woman from committing suicide. I related the incident from the initial call and made it to the point where the woman let go fo the railing. I couldn't continue. I could feel tears coming. I apologized to the officers and left. I secured myself in a consultation room trying to regain my composure.

I knew that at some point, this event would affect me. I just didn't think it would come so fast and be so debilitating. I was ashamed of my response, of losing composure in front of the police. I felt like a cry-baby, embarassed.

After a few minutes, the police officers asked me to continue. They commended me for saving the woman's life and called me a hero. I tell them I am no hero,I was only doing my job.

I go to my office to prepare the report on the incident. shortly thereafter the boss calls me to his office and asks me for a debrief. I retell the incident for a third time and again, I stumble at the part where the woman says she is going to go and lets go of the railing. I am begining to feel like an idiot, a baby.

He asks: "It didn't take long for back-up to arrive, right?" And I blurt out: "NO! They didn't come at all!"

After a few minutes, I tell him that help did come, it just seemed to be forever. (To this day I can't understand how three security officers can hear the same radio call. I reach the person in a couple of minutes yet the others cannot seem to find the stairwell! I had radioed for help STAT then radioed that I had a JUMPER. Why in fuck didn't they come running balls-to-the-wall to help me?)

Can you imagine the thoughts racing through your mind in a situation like that? You are able to grab a person just as they try to jump to their death. Your grip is the only thing keeping them from plummeting to their death. You think to yourself: "Don't lose your grip. Please, God, help me!" You've screamed for help twice. One, two, three minutes pass...More time passes, you are hanging on for dear life. literally. "WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY?"

So my boss calls me a hero. I know heroes do not cry like little babies. I am no hero. He offers to call the hospital pastor for me. which I decline. I do promise that I will ask for help if I have trouble dealing with this event. He tells me that I will probably not sleep well for a while and that I should talk to my wife about the incident so that she knows what I had been through and be a support for me.

I tell my wife when she gets home and again I cry like a little baby when I retell how the woman let go of the rail and I was able to grab onto her wrist and hold on...She calls me a hero. Again I insist I am no Hero, I simply did my fucking job.

My boss was right. I had nightmares for several nights and for the first couple of weeks I couldn't go into that stairwell without suffering chest pain and panicky thoughts.

It has been a few months now since Christmas Eve. I can enter the stairwell with no problems at all. I can retell the event and not be adversely affected by the retelling. I feel good now about what I did that day.

A few days after the incident, I had written each person who helped me that day thanking them and letting them know that by any person's measure, what they they had done on that day was nothing less than heroic.

It has been 151 days since Christmas Eve 2009, the day I prevented a woman from killing herself. Until the day I die I will remember the stairwell, the woman's blank stare, her hopeless voice as she prepared to jump to her death.

And deep in my heart I now know that when it mattered most, to her and to me, I came through.
I did my job and she is alive today.

Thank you DU ers for helping me reach this point! I read your responses to my post over and over. You are the best.

Rustydog

[dchill]

1. Rustydog, today you are MY hero.

Keep on keepin' on.

[sinkingfeeling]

2. What has become of the woman jumper?

[rustydog]

4. I honestly do not know. I know she was committed and

received counseling. I hope she is feeling better about herself.

[redqueen]

3. You can protest all you like...

but you are a hero.

[grantcart]

5. You did it, yes you did. And for the rest of your life no one can ever take that away from you.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

6. I have no words.

I'm sure no one else does either, really. Thank you for being a great human being, if you will not accept the title of hero.

[TheManInTheMac]

7. You are a hero,

and heroes are allowed to cry. You see pictures of firefighters, cops and soldiers after saving lives crying a lot. Bless you. People like you make the world a better place.

[nadinbrzezinski]

8. What you are doing right now

is critical... it is a very informal emergency debrief. Keep talking about this, because that is what helps you deal with this.

Keep talking.

[madmax]

9. 'Whovever saves one life

saves the world entire'. I believe this is a Jewish saying and I believe it fits.

Glad you have found a measure of peace within yourself. You deserve it. :hug:

[Lyric]

10. You are wonderful.

A true blue hero, plain and simple.

:hug:

[lovemydog]

11. Thanks

Thanks for this great post. There's people like you all around. A days ago I had to put my beloved dog down. It was difficult. Some good folks in real life expressed empathy and compassion. It helps. I try and associate with those types of people. The rest is 'white noise', lol. Bless you.

[rustydog]

12. My username is Rustydog, taken from my favorite dog.

Rusty had to be put down almost two years ago. I am still easily brought to tears remembering holding him as the Vet administered the medication that eased his suffering.
sometimes life really sucks, doesn't it?
but we keep plugging on.

[lovemydog]

27. Yes

Yes, we sure do. It's tough stuff sometimes. Kindness like yours goes a long way.

Albert Camus said 'In a world of suffering we must create happiness'.

[tpsbmam]

41. My heart goes out to both of you. My username is a compilation

of the first letter of all of my dogs' names starting with my childhood dog through my two current dogs. Each dog has taken a little chunk of my heart with them. Early on I realized that I wanted people in my life who get what losing a loved animal means to us and reacts with compassion & understanding.

[lovemydog]

57. thanks

Thank you. Me too!

[tavalon]

34. That is one of the hardest jobs a fur parent has

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[lovemydog]

58. thanks

Thanks so much. You're very kind.

[roguevalley]

13. it is odd how lives intersect and at a moment of deepest despair,

you were there for that woman. you saved her. you gave her another chance to be happy and well. that is something that matters. it was a loving act, your intercession. you saved a life. that is love at its greatest because you could have hurt yourself too trying to help her and you stepped up. you stepped up. that is what is heroic. you are a hero.

[housewolf]

14. Thank you for your tears - they show your humanity

nothing more, nothing less. Believe it or not, it takes great strength to allow the very real human vulnerability that tears show. It's a gift to those who were with you, and to all of us you've shared with, to allow that piece of your human vulnerability to show forth.

Hugs and blessings to you

[elehhhhna]

15. people work every day of their lives and never participate in a miracle

plain ole little you were just doing your job pretty frikkin well imo

[tavalon]

35. That is one of the reasons I feel so very blessed

I'm a healthcare provider and I get to participate in miracles far more than anyone should hope for. I am a lucky, lucky person.

[dixiegrrrrl]

16. nadine is correct. Keep talking or writing as much as you need to.

It is important and necessary to do so , rather than keep it all in.
Eventually the feelings will smooth over, although the memory will remain.

In my work as a Crisis MH therapist, I had occasionally been involved in life and death emergency situations, and I can remember that our office had no procedure for debriefing any of us staff...how weird is that?

[rustydog]

18. That is how it goes though, huh?

I've worked in hospitals since 1979. I've performed CPR on babies who passed away and was never asked how I was affected afterwards. I've seen horrific suicide attempts who at least lived to be sent to a level 1 trauma facility. I wasn't asked how I was dealing with it when a guy tried to stab me in the ER several years ago or when I talked a man in to putting down the baby he was taking so he could prove he could kick my ass...

We have this vast warehouse of knowledge and help available to the victims, but not the people helping the victims!

[BlancheSplanchnik]

30. you certainly are in the right job for you! Heroic!

interesting point about the need for support for the responders!


DU is a pretty awesome collection of people; I'm glad to know someone as capable and caring as you is doing what you do.

:hug:

[tavalon]

36. Yeah, I participated in an extremely traumatic event in the hospital

after which none of us received any support. Now, as the depositions begin, there is no support. I hope there is support for the patients but there is none for the staff. That isn't right.

[dixiegrrrrl]

40. One thing you can do on the job

is to create an informal support group of trusted co-workers, even if only one or two others, who will
be there to listen when necessary. Doesn't have to be "formal".

I was trained in stress debriefing for "clients" but no one said a word about OUR need to deal with the stress of the job. I was lucky in having 2 co workers who would sit down and just listen until I got all the
feelings out, and did the same for them.

What is weird is how you can handle really adrenaline pumping situations, and seem to feel fine afterwords, then one day something comes up, which might not even rate "high" compared to previous
events, and BANG! it leaves you floundering when it is over.

This I know to be absolutely true: if we stuff feelings down, instead of talking them out, they WILL
cause deeper problems down the road. Guaranteed.

[rustydog]

45. I have been at this facility a little over five years and have not

built the friendships yet that I had at the last facility where I worked for over 25 years. There I could talk to ER nurses, the doctors, my fellow officers, housekeeping friends, engineers who were our back up etc.

After a stressful event, we'd talk about it. maybe after work go to a bar and discuss it even further with the aid of alcohol to aid in reflection even if it is a bit distorted.

I have seen some ugly deaths, four suicide attempts. actually the aftermath of 3 and this one where I was an active player in the drama. I've performed CPR on overdose victims, gunshot victims, gang members, grandparents and babies and have never been asked if I was adversely affected. But again, having that group of people to vent to is immensely helpful!
I did not have anyone in this case, or if I did, I was so deeply affected I did not believe I had anyone or aanywhere to turn to. I was stunned at how debilitating the effect was on me. Wow.

[tavalon]

66. We had what they called a debriefing

but it was a formalized blame fest. I was furious. But, yeah, it never occurred to me to have an informal group of us get together. And now, 3 years later, with the legal system now involved, we aren't allowed to talk to one another at all, even though all the wounds have been opened afresh.

[Warpy]

17. Heroism

is what a competent person does when he is out of attractive alternatives.

What you had after the event was PTSD. It was traumatic as hell, trying to hang onto a person who didn't want you to while waiting for backup that was probably running up and down all the wrong stairwells and wondering what would happen if your grip loosened only slightly. Pinning her by the armpit was genius.

You did fine. You are fine.

[Dinger]

19. K & R For Rusty

:grouphug: :yourock:

[LiberalLoner]

20. Thank you. You are wonderful. n/t

[tabatha]

21. You are amazing.

That was a gripping story. I could feel your feelings.
Hope you continue to recover.

[DemReadingDU]

22. Thank you for telling us your story

and thank you for saving the woman from jumping. In times of deep sadness, people think that ending their life is their only option. I hope she was able to get the help she needed and someday she appreciates what you did. Thank you so much for being there.

[glitch]

23. I missed your original post so I didn't get to tell you: heroes do cry like babies, all the time.

:hug:

[Liberal_in_LA]

24. wow! what a story! You are a hero.

[EFerrari]

25. You sound good, rustydog. That's the main thing.

:hug:

[Swamp Rat]

26. k&r

[applegrove]

28. Thanks you for sharing that. You did good. I hope you know that. She is probably on

the right medication right now and doing fine. Just think of all the lives you changed that day. And thank god you were there.

[RainDog]

29. what a life-affirming story.

and a good one to hear.

I think you are one of the few people who can relate to things in my life. My bipolar ex-husband tried to kill himself four times while he was at home with me and our kids. He was seeing a doctor, on medication... I never knew when those times would come.

I couldn't even really think about my life or I would have anxiety attacks. I needed to be able to care for my children. I remember busting in a door with my next door neighbor to get to my husband. I remember performing cpr. I remember watching the ambulance pull away and having to answer questions from the police to determine if I had tried to hurt him. I remember keeping all this from my children, having neighbors come over to stay with them while I waited in the hospital to see if my husband could be revived.

Those days changed me. One day, I just couldn't deal with it all anymore. I felt like I had failed because I really did believe in that sickness and health thing... and my ex told me I had promised him that very thing.

I "caught" his illness. I couldn't concentrate. I cried nearly every day. Some days I still do. I've never tried to kill myself but some days I can't remember what it was like to be happy, even now, years later. Some days I wish I had the courage to kill myself but I don't want to put that on my children. Some days I wonder if they'd be better off anyway.

But what I really want is to be able to find that part of me that loved life.

[tavalon]

37. You did catch an illness from him

It's not bipolar. It's PTSD and given that it hasn't been resolved, you have depression. I don't know what your circumstances are but if you can, please see a counselor or your family doctor. This isn't all in your head, this is real and it can be healed.

Until you can get help, just hear this one thing. Your children will never, ever, ever be better off if you kill yourself. That's the disease talking. And it's lying to you.

[rustydog]

56. I so wish there was a magic wand that would make all these

feelings of hopelesness or uselessness disappear. If only it could be so easy to solve life's challenges. And these are challenges we face. Some are so out of the realm of normalcy that we are not emotionally equipped to rationallly deal with them.

You must find someone to talk to. There are so many people who have experienced similar circumstances. There are people out there who do understand you and what you are experiencing and that life can and does go on. AND, one day you begin to laugh more, smile more and realize you will be ok after all.

[shireen]

31. do you know anything more about the woman who tried to jump?

One way to come to terms with it is to understand what would drive a human being to end her life. I have a lot of empathy for her, and I hope she was able to get the help she needed. But I also worry that if she had to rely on public services for help, the cuts in funding to critical life-saving programs may not have met her needs.

This is why we need good government social services: to help people who cannot help themselves. It's the most important function of a humane and compassionate society. It is deeply upsetting that there are so many people who don't see this simple truth. I'd gladly pay higher taxes if I knew it was going towards good services that would ensure that woman you rescued is getting the help she needs.

Thanks for doing your part to try to help her.

[treestar]

32. that's an amazing story

[tavalon]

33. Sometimes doing your job and being a hero are one and the same

[NuttyFluffers]

38. heroes do cry like babies, for heroes have humanity.

further, heroes never recognize themselves as such, for heroes have humility.

standing at the precipice of disaster and holding the line is a daily job for so many humans. appreciation gets forgotten by numbness of routine and the mercy of adrenaline. but those facts do not deny heroism any less.

you are likely suffering most from staring into the abyss of emptiness. to see a human so lost within that personal hell is trauma itself. to also see the last act of desperate resistance against crushing despair is soul blasting. it is hard to have a heart and remain untouched by such a close encounter with all-consuming agony.

you have done nothing less than what is expected of true human inner strength. there is nothing to resist or reject, just to survive and accept. hero.

[gleaner]

39. Hello again ,,,,

I'm one of the people who answered your original post. I am the one who had the man on the phone who wanted to shoot himself and somehow kept him talking until he promised not to. He called me the next day and I was able to find out where he was and send help. I know what you mean. It was years ago and sometimes I remember his voice rising and breaking in desperation and being so afraid I would say the wrong thing and he would do it. He would shoot himself. As far as I know he survived, but I will never know for sure.

Heroes do cry. And they go numb and sometimes they feel like they are breaking, but it doesn't change anything. As you said, you were there. You went there. You pulled her back from the brink and made it possible for someone to help her with what was troubling her enough that she was ready to let go of her life.

I have thought of you often and wondered how you were making it. You made it just fine. Thank you for letting us all know how you are, and thank you for caring enough to take the risk to reach out to someone who had nowhere in life to go. I'm glad you have some peace back. You are most deserving of it.

[rustydog]

43. Thank you for that. This is what I referred to when I said you guys

are the best.

When I wrote that post, I had not felt so alone, scared and thoroughly beaten emptionally. I thought I had no place to turn and no one else could possibly know the stress I had been through.

Your post showed me I was not alone, that others had experienced similar stresses and were coping.
It was the positive feedback, encouragement and advise to talk about it to someone that helped me immensely.

[gleaner]

65. You are entirely welcome ....

I will keep thinking of you, and I hope you will keep us up on how you are doing. You are definitely not alone. You can always post here, or if you want you can PM me. Keep taking care of yourself. You are doing well. There is always a lightening after you find your self in a dark place and more still to come. As time passes the echos get fainter and the images get dimmer. They may never disappear entirely but they tend to become a part of your entire life that swirl around in the distance rather than being a vivid nightmare the way they are at first.

[Brickbat]

42. People are heroes because they act on what they feel; sometimes they feel like they have to cry.

Heroes cry. This world would be a terrible place if they didn't.

[tpsbmam]

44. You are a hero. Maybe not to yourself

but certainly to other people and most especially to the people who love that woman if she has those people in her life. And given time, hopefully to her too. I've worked with people who are suicidal and whose suicides I've prevented or others have. Some were angry at me at the time but grateful afterward as we worked on creating a life that they wanted to be here to enjoy.

Whatever you call it, celebrate the person you are and what you did. Your compassion and the depth of your emotional reactions are precious treasures. So, too, is your ability to express them and act proactively to cope with the trials that we inevitably go through in one form or another.

[rustydog]

46. Thank you for that.

I did receive a private letter from our CEO thanking me for being there that day and telling me I had prevented a tragic Christmas for the family of that desperate woman.

I would read that letter now and then to help me keep perspective on the good I had done that day.

[SeattleGirl]

47. Wow! Thank you for sharing this story, Rustydog

You ARE a hero, whether you think so or not, because heroes are often made in the course of "just doing my job."

You have my immeasurable respect.

[lunatica]

48. When ordinary people save a life it stays with you forever

I once performed the Heimlich maneuver on an elderly nun because she was choking on a piece of bread. Afterwards I just shook and couldn't unclench my jaw enough to talk for a while. I was a waitress and it happened when the restaurant was full. Lots of people called me a hero and it was the last thing I felt like. The only thing I knew about the heimlich maneuver was that I had looked at the picture of what to do hundreds of times in the restaurant kitchen. I was scared when I did it too. She was old and I was afraid I would hurt her, but it simply couldn't wait.

[rustydog]

49. You are fantastic!

A co worker performed the heimlich at work two weeks ago in the Cafe and saved an elderly visitor.

Both of you peformed extrodinarily bravely.

I guess most of us are reluctant heroes. We don't seek it, we don't hope for it, we just act when needed most.

[lunatica]

53. It's like an unknown part of you takes over

In the years that followed I have many times been thankful that I had it in me to help without thinking or question. People wonder what they would do in such situations. Then there's those of us who know. And it's good to know we'd step in and help.

[rustydog]

54. You are right. When I saw her climbing over the railing

I KNEW she wasn't playing a game, she was going to jump. I knew that if i yelled at her or rushed at her, I had no hope of reaching her.
Somehow I remained calm (outwardly) talked to her as if we were sitting at a table; What are you doing? what's going on?

All I know is it worked and I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

[Constance Craving]

50. You are amazing . . .

It is quite possible that everyone else in that woman's life had walked out the door . . . and just when she couldn't take it anymore, you walked in. THAT is amazing. Do not denigrate the service you did for her.

At the same time, care for yourself as best as possible. Mental health issues affect not only the people with mental health issues, but those around them as well. Your reactions are normal to the situation you were in, you reached out for support (and thankfully got some) and now you are "on the other side" of it.

I saw up thread you said that you didn't know her current condition, that must be hard. Take some comfort in the thought "Recovery is a reality, it can, will and does happen."

[dajoki]

51. You ARE a hero...

I wish there were more people like you, the world would be a better place. Thank you!!

[RedCloud]

52. Those who want to do well and not get noticed, get noticed most of all.

Sometimes there are more things than people (and what they believe!) observing. And I do mean "things".

[The Backlash Cometh]

55. You are a hero,.

[elleng]

59. Heroes DO cry, rusty; heroes are people.

:grouphug:

[emilyg]

60. You're my HERO.

[crim son]

61. I was not aware of any of this

and your story brings me to tears, both for the jumper and for you. I have been in that woman's position and am more grateful than anybody could ever know that I failed in my attempt. And you, you may claim, truthfully, that you were "just" performing your job, but your job is the sort that, every now and then, does turn a person into a hero. Of course heroes cry!

Maybe not right away, but with successful treatment that woman will some day view you as a sort of angel, and so you are.

[rustydog]

62. Thank you for that. it means more to me than you may know.

O8)

[Divine Discontent]

63. God bless you Rustydog! BLESS YOU!!! :)

[democrank]

64. Bless you, rustydog

~PEACE~