A friend of mine committed suicide yesterday and left many questions unanswered.

[tinfoilinfor2005]

First of all, I did not know him as well as my husband did, and this isn't a grief post, but rather a question for DUers who might know of a similar circumstance.

This man was in his fifties, easy going, good job/money, seldom appeared depressed, social drinker only, etc. Not what one might think as the typical candidate to commit suicide.

The only thing that we know about him that has always been a mystery is that he is listed on that website that tracks people who are known child molesters. When we first heard that information several years back, we were very surprised since he sure didn't seem to fit that category, but through the local grapevine we also heard that years ago he was involved in a very messy divorce and his ex wife did everything she could do destroy his life.

I guess my question is, could it be possible that someone could through the courts erroneously place a person in that situation? I would think that most men would have a very difficult time living with this kind of black mark on their reputation, especially if it weren't true. Yes, again, I don't know enough of the facts, but I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt since in the many years that we have known him, there has not been a hint of scandal.

[annabanana]

1. Could it be possible?

Of course it could. I have often wondered how someone unfairly tagged with that most unforgivable of sins would clear his name.. . The 18 year old boy with the 17 year old girl, for instance...

[Madspirit]

25. Most States

Most states now have it where there has to be a number of years of difference, not just a 19 year old with a 16 year old. It was made this way to cut down on the number of pissed off dads prosecuting boys not much older than their daughters. It is usually at least four years difference before it can be prosecuted now, IF the girl is at least 16.
Lee

[babylonsister]

2. Children can lie, or be manipulated to lie, and some ex-wives have been

known to make their ex's lives as miserable as possible. So I'd say, yes, he could have been on that list erroneously.

[trotsky]

3. It's undoubtedly possible.

Generally in the interests of protecting children, you're going to want to err on their side. A terrible and unfortunate side effect of that will be the unfairly accused, some of whom will never get their lives back on track. Poor guy.

[elocs]

10. Poor children. Can you imagine them growing up and somehow realizing they played a part

in the destruction of their father's life. We, as Democrats and Liberals, have no trouble in believing that people are falsely accused of the most heinous crimes, but with this one too many have a too bad, so sad attitude. The children of the falsely accused are also victims and they may have trouble getting their lives back on track.

[murielm99]

4. Maybe he wasn't unfairly accused.

First of all, I am sorry for your loss.

It is possible that he did something a long time ago and paid for it. He could have had years of therapy, and was able to make a new life for himself.

I realize that many types of pedophiles never change their ways. But some people find a way to do it. Their names stay on a registry in spite of that.

[tsuki]

6. In Florida, if you are accused and cleared, your name stays on the

registry for fifty years.

[tinfoilinfor2005]

7. Even if you are cleared? Fifty years?

This man had his own business, very successful, but maybe he lost clients over this. Recently the site has been widely advertised and I know that most people with kids go to it regularly.

Since I don't know the circumstances, I don't want to speculate as to his guilt or innocence, but for those who are innocent, this really doesn't seem right.

[tsuki]

18. My girlfriend ran for school board and was turned into HRS for

child abuse (not true, political trick.) She is on the list for 50 years. It is listed as "unfounded."

[tinfoilinfor2005]

8. Thanks, and yes, that is true.

I don't know enough about him or his past. We're just kinda shell shocked here and trying to make some sense of it.

[notadmblnd]

5. I could tell you a little story about what happened to us

when my baby sister decided to divorce her abusive husband and when we took her and her children in, but it would take all day. All I will say is that if we hadn't had the resources ($$$)and the tenacity to call the prosecutor a liar and prove it, my husband would have spent the last few years of his life in prison.

In fact, I still wonder how much the ordeal shortened his life and I may never recover financially. But yes, people are despicable and will do anything they can to get even when they feel they have been wronged. And it isn't just the women that can be vindictive.

[SmokingJacket]

9. The trouble with these lists is that they can't be perfect.

There are certainly guilty people who are not on them, and innocent people who are. It's the nature of information gathering, especially these days, when there's so much information and so little time to check it out.

Whenever I hear or read a news story that I have personal knowledge of, there are mistakes. ALWAYS. Sometimes they're minor, and sometimes they're not.

There are many, many motivations for reporting someone as a child molester -- number one, of course, being that they ARE! But there are also disreputable, hate-filled people who will abuse the system.

[Occulus]

11. COULD it be possible?

It happened to my roommate. He was asleep, his stepson got up on the couch with him, his (my roommate's) hand flopped over onto the kid's crotch in his sleep (the kid even testified to the fact that my roommate was actually asleep at the time), and everyone involved did everything possible to railroad him into a guilty plea for "fondling" his stepson. Probation, registry as a sex offender, and lost physical custody of his child.

He hasn't been allowed to work since; nobody will hire him. It's hard for him to find a place to live, too, since most landlords won't let him rent from them.

[GreenPartyVoter]

12. Am so sorry to hear that

Let us know if any light ever gets shed on this.

[tinfoilinfor2005]

17. I guarantee the grapevine will be buzzing today

and we will probably hear more of the details. It know it sounds horrible, but I suppose that there is always more speculation and curiosity surrounding the death of a friend when suicide is involved.

[xchrom]

13. a book by it's cover. -- people are never, ever what they seem.

and it's always difficult to know someone's intimate pain.

i guess the lesson is -- tread gently with people. judge less.

[etherealtruth]

19. "tread gently with people. judge less."

That's probably a lesson we all need to learn and live

[no_hypocrisy]

14. My mother's sister lied her ass in Family Court in the 60s, accusing my

uncle of molesting my male cousins. He had been granted full custody of them and this was the only way she could get the judgment reversed. One of cousins has not spoken to her for almost 2 decades and won't let anyone let her know where he lives. My uncle died, ostracized from his sons, alone.

And no, I don't believe she was telling the truth.

[Bluerthanblue]

15. I think you know the answer to your question, which

is obvious. Sure it is possible the man was wrongly accused. The system is far from perfect, but it is also possible that he was not. Many of the "sites" you mention list the date and 'category' of assault the person was found guilty of. That helps cut through the 'hazy' area of statutory 'rape'- or the severity of assault-(age is usually mentioned).

It's likely no one will ever know for sure what motivated your friend to take this step. Without a message from him, spelling out where he was at, and why he felt the need to leave this way, any issue is suspect- And sometimes- the reason(s) are complex and not something others can ever truly understand.

If your friend was guilty of CSA it is also possible he may have experienced something similar himself, in childhood. And as difficult as it can be to be labeled a child molester, it is even more difficult to navigate this world as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.- That experience is one that can predispose a person to suicide- and it is a wound that few can understand without personal experience.

I'm sorry your friend felt so hopeless he chose this answer- And I'm sorry for the shock, hurt, and sorrow his leaving has left you and his family coping with.

peace,
blu

[Sukie1941]

16. Hidden Secrets

You would be shocked at the secrets "normal" people have.

I do alot of genealogy, and you would not believe the secrets I have discovered right in my own family lines--and way back even into the 1600's.

If this man was already listed on child predator posts (and WHO IS would also surprise you), it is unfortunate that a close friend of his didn't ask him about it. Maybe he didn't even know about the post.

This reminds me.....there are lots of registered sex offender websites. Some of them look official but are mostly trying to sell you something such as kits to save info about your kids. I look at the sites set up by the individual states.

[merh]

20. Yes, it happens more times than you would think

It's the wife's word against her husband and the wife will often do whatever it takes to maintain paramount or sole custody.

sorry about your friend :hug:

[blues90]

21. sorry to hear about your friend

I have known a few people who seemed to be happy and have the life they wanted and one day just decided to end their lives .

People can hide depression well especially if they are around other people which is about the only way , they act , we all act to a point to cover inner feelings .

My one friend just one day decided to step on the third rail of the chicago elevated train track , he seemd fine , even went out and bought a new guitar like he used to have in our old rock group just weeks before this .

[tinfoilinfor2005]

22. Lots of speculation today, but one thing seems to stand out:

He was on medication for depression.

Doncha just love these anti-depression drugs. They do seem to take away depression. The people on these anti-depressants are so happy-go-lucky until the day they just choose to blow their brains out. Maybe our bodies, hearts and minds are telling us that we need to deal with pain naturally, instead of taking a pill to take care of it.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

23. What antidepressants sometimes do is...

take a person who is so depressed that he can't act on his suicidal impulses and perk him up just enough so that he's finally capable of action.

That's why depressed people need both therapy and medication.

[blues90]

24. Yes they always send people off with a med

My doc sent me away with lexapro and I got worse with the depression , she said they take time , yeah they take time to make you into a zombi and you feel nothing but you know you feel nothing so I quit them , I get them to satisfy her to keep me on SDI but feeling nothing is worse than the pain of depression , this I can tell you .

There are so many thoughts about depression and all you get now is a script , no talking , just meds . They even sell this shit on tv as if these are some cure all .

I think they push people over the edge especially if the meds don;t take away the depression and you find at some point you just want out because if the meds failed then you lose hope .

[Madspirit]

26. I am sorry

I am sorry about your friend. Something could have happened a long time ago that was never repeated. Or he could have gone to a hooker and it turned out to be one of the rare times they actually bust the Johns. That would get him on the list...unfairly.

RIP.
Lee