A Teabagger's Poem (Satire)

[IndianaJoe]

A Teabagger’s Poem

I’m incensed by Barak Obama
And other similar turds
So I put my pen to paper
And came up with these words

Yes, I’m a party member.
And I ain’t ashamed of it.
I ain’t real educated,
But I don’t give a shit

I spend my money wisely.
I work hard to earn a buck
I read my Bible daily
And I drive a pickup truck

I get my news from cable --
From Glen & Sean & Rush
I don’t wear no union label.
I drink my booze straight up.

I wear a flag on my lapel;
Got a gun in both my fists
To protect the wife and kiddies
And keep off the Socialists

Don’t want no health insurance
When I’m sick, you won’t see me pout
I’ll just bear it silently
It’s much better to do without

I hate the Federal government
Mexies, Liberals, and queers
Buncha simpy idiot bastards
And welfare profiteers

Ain’t got much use for Congress
Or the En-vi-ro-ment
I don’t believe in Global Warmin’
Them scientists can just get bent.

I got me a huntin’ rifle
But I don’t hug no tree
The NRA protects my rights
An my wife thinks just like me

Blacks are sons-of-bitches!
Always loafin’ and havin’ fun.
And we pay for all their babies!
Wouldja want yer daughter to marry one?

The Tax Code’s idiotic.
It’s a moron’s jamboree!.
We all should just pay ten percent.
That sound fair to me.

I ain’t bothered by waterboardin’
A Muslim guy or two.
No Miranda rights for terrorists!
Wouldn’t mind killin’ me a few.

I believe in the Final Coming.
It’s just around the bend
So you’d better get your shit straight
‘Cause Jesus’ll judge you in the end.

That’s why I’m a party member
It’s why I’m holdin’ this here sign
It’s fer God and Ex-President Reagan
And this family of mine.

Cause life’s gotten complicated
It’s all so hard to understand
A black guy’s in the White House
What’s become of my dear land?

So I’m here to rectify things.
It’ll be different if I have my say
We're gonna vote ‘em outa office
And then there’ll be hell to pay.

So if Hollywood and Commies
Tweak your adrenal gland
Honk if you believe in Jesus!
Join the Tea Party! Lend a hand!

[AlinPA]

1. Satire? Hell no, that's the real thing. That's right out of their mouths.

[IndianaJoe]

2. You're right, of course.

As I wrote it, I couldn't believe how incredibly stupid it all was. It was painful to do. It's like they're caricatures of human beings.

[AlinPA]

3. It is very well done and captures their true thinking (if one can call it thinking). nt

[IndianaJoe]

4. Thanks for the kudos.

[cbayer]

5. Kicking to combine

Please don't start identical threads in the same forum. Thanks.

cbayer
DU Moderator

[IndianaJoe]

18. Whoops...Sorry n/t

[IndianaJoe]

6. I Put Myself into a Tea Party Mindset and Came Up with This.

A Teabagger’s Love Poem

I’m pissed off at Barack Obama
And other similar turds
So I put my pen to paper
And came up with these words

Yes, I’m a Tea Party member.
And I ain’t ashamed of it.
No, I ain’t educated,
But I don’t give a shit.

The times have got me all excited
And this present government --
It’s intrudin’ on my happiness
It sure ain’t heaven-sent

See, I’m for the old-time values.
The new ones are counterfeit
Don’t talk to me about changes
Changes make me spit.

I’m proud to be blue collar.
I work hard to earn a buck
I read my Bible daily
And I drive a pickup truck

I get my news from cable --
From Glen & Sean & Rush
I don’t wear no union label.
I drink my booze straight up.

I don’t like the gays that marry --
Or any queers, truth to tell
I don’t like ‘em in our army
They can all go straight to hell

I hate sex-scenes in the movies
I believe in The Golden Rule
God said it all in the Bible
I want prayer in my kid’s school!

I wear a flag-pin on my jacket;
I got a gun in both my fists
To protect the wife and kiddies
And scare off Socialists

I don’t want no health insurance
When I sicken, I don’t pout
I just bear up with it silently
It’s better to do without

I hate the Federal gummint,
Mexies, Liberals, and queers
Buncha simpy idiot bastards
And welfare profiteers

Don’t need federal institutions
I’d like to shoot me a bureaucrat.
I’m for the old free market
Unregulated’s where it’s at!

I ain’t big on Nancy Pelosi
And her crew of feminists
Let’s fence her up in Frisco
With them other Sodomists.

Ain’t got much use fer Congress
Or the En-vi-ro-ment
I don’t believe in Global Warmin’
All them scientists can just get bent.

I got me a huntin’ rifle
But I don’t hug no tree
The NRA protects my rights
And my wife thinks just like me

Blacks are sons-of-bitches!
Always loafin’ and havin’ fun.
And we pay for all their babies!
Want yer daughter to marry one?

The Tax Code’s idiotic.
It’s a moron’s jamboree!.
I’d rather just pay ten percent?
That sounds fair to me.

And I believe in human life!
It’s a sacred thing, you see.
But I’m fer killin’ criminals
Let that old death penalty be!

I ain’t bothered by waterboardin’
A Muslim guy or two.
No Miranda rights for terrorists!
Wouldn’t mind killin’ me a few.

I believe in the Final Coming.
It’s just around the bend
So you’d better get your shit straight
‘Cause Jesus’ll judge you in the end.

So, that’s why I’m a Party member
It’s why I’m holdin’ this here sign
It’s fer God and Ex-President Reagan
And this fine family of mine.

‘Cause life’s gotten complicated
It’s all so hard to understand
A black guy’s in the White House
What’s become of our dear land?

But I’m here to rectify things.
It’ll be different if I have my way
We’ll vote ‘em outa office
And then there’ll be hell to pay.

We’ll get rid of Reid and Biden
Barney Faggot and all his kind
And we’ll send Obama packin’
His Kenyan birthplace for to find.

We’ll say goodbye to Wall Street
To the moguls and fat cats
Then we’ll drill for oil happily
And spit on Democrats

We’ll tear down all their wind-farms
Lower taxes when we can
We’ll put in Sarah Palin,
And then we’ll bomb Iran

We’ll eliminate the unions!
Send the Mexicans all home
We’ll dynamite the IRS
Send the Catholics back to Rome


Well put the blacks back in the fields
Totin’ cotton in burlap bags
We’ll put Republicans in Congress
And we’ll fly Confederate flags

We’ll get rid of that main stream media
We’ll avoid it like the pox
We’ll incarcerate Dan Rather
We'll get our truth from Fox

Then won’t it be a vision?
It’ll be a “City on a Hill”
America fer Americans
Doin’ the great God’s will!

So if Hollywood and Commies
Tweak your adrenal glands,
Honk if you believe in Jesus!
Join the Tea Party! Lend yer hands!

[miscsoc]

7. someone who plays guitar and can sing

should put this to music in a folky (or country) style and post a youtube of it here.

seriously i would be delighted if someone did this.

[ZombieHorde]

8. Your spelling betrays you. I can tell you are not a tea bagger.

Funny poem though. Recommended.

[BrklynLiberal]

11. LOL!!!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[pinboy3niner]

13. Yes--"socialists" was a dead giveaway

Anyone in a tea bag frame of mind knows it's "socilists." :) Still, an excellent effort!

[MineralMan]

9. Well, ain't that just spechul?

Feh...

[The_Commonist]

10. If you had TRULY out yourself...

...in a "Tea Party Mindset" you would have come up with ONE verse.
They are simply not bright enough to come up with 30 verses.
There are also too many big words.
Incensed?
Puh-leeeze!
Also your rhyming scheme is too tight.
I say:

FAIL!

Please try again...

;-)

[Iggo]

12. All words spelled correctly.

FAIL!

;-)

[pinboy3niner]

15. ALL words? Like "Barak"?

FAIL back atcha. :)

[Iggo]

16. D'oh!

[IndianaJoe]

14. Right..."Incensed" is too smarty-pants Liberal

I've edited it to "pissed off"

[The_Commonist]

20. That's better!

Smarmy-pants...

[IndianaJoe]

22. :-)

[lame54]

19. I Put Myself into a Tea Party Mindset and Came Up with This...

[gulliver]

24. I'm dumber than a box of rocks.

I certainly can't write.
My friends are dummies just like me.
My doggerel is shite.

...I love how you captured the essential "bottomless talentlessness" of the Tea Party. I'm not sure many picked up on this aspect. It's essential to the Tea Party nature, a sort of pride in the achievement of near total, almost atom-free vacuity. You've created something that not only reflects their fundamental brain deadness, but actually expresses it at their level. It's trite, illogical, shallow, poorly composed. It belches; it blows its nose without a handkerchief; it doesn't wash its hands after it uses the bathroom. It's complete crap.

Bravo!

[IndianaJoe]

25. Thanks!

You're perceptive. I didn't think anyone would appreciate the effort I went to to get the tone just right.

[gulliver]

26. np. Let me know when you try to write something that...

...isn't "intentionally talentless" and dull witted. You've got no-talent moron pretty well pegged!

If I had to criticize this current effort, I would say it could have mentioned Tea Party hero George W. Bush. Or it could have talked about how Rush Limbaugh likes his Oxy as much as the Tea Partiers grandkids like meth. Or it could have pulled Sean Hannity's chain a little. Ya know...

I love me some Sean Hannity
I hate those veteran's orphans
False News gives me my daily ride
On dumb-ass prick endorphins

Something like that...Good job though.

[IndianaJoe]

29. See! It's fun! n/t

[IndianaJoe]

30. I used to write letters to people. Here's one:

President George W. Bush
The White House
Washington, DC 20502

Re: Your Stem-Cell Veto

Dear President Bush:

It’s me again, your old friend and supporter, Lazlo Toth. I haven’t written you in quite a while, but I was so moved by your principled veto of stem-cell research, that I felt compelled to once again pick up my pen and give you another written pat on the back.

It took a lot of courage for you to veto that bill. I saw it all on Fox News. There you were, standing up there all alone on that podium (except for the people behind you from “Adopt-An-Embryo” holding those babies). You were defiantly saying “No!” – when even your friends (like Dr. Bill Frist and Orrin Hatch) had buckled under to liberal pressure and voted against you. It was so inspirational watching you! I was moved. Like I tearfully told my wife, Elzbeta, you were a real “Profile in Courage”.

You and I both know it takes a lot of guts to say “No!” when almost everybody else says you’re being a fool or an idiot. That’s what I like about you. You’re not afraid to go your own way when the best minds in the country are all saying you are wrong. You have real spine, backbone, and intestinal fortitude (and not the artificial kind grown in some laboratory somewhere!)

You have to admit, however, that this stem-cell thing is controversial. Hopefully you’ll not be too hard on Dr. Bill and Orrin for not seeing things your way on this one. Heck, stem cell research has even been controversial in my own household. You see, for years, I’ve suffered from the nagging pain and itch of hemorrhoidal tissue. Many’s the time I’ve wished that science could develop a cure for that. But so far no luck. Elzbeta has often pointed out that maybe stem-cell research might hold some hope for me too. So, when that stem-cell bill came up I was tempted to go with Dr. Bill Frist and Orrin. But the more I thought about it, the more I decided that once again you were right.

So, after giving it a lot of thought, I’m totally with you on this one. If it’s a matter of my hemorrhoids or a living blastocyst swimming around somewhere in a Petrie dish, well, to my mind the blastocyst wins! Those tiny embryos may be teesie-weensie little thingies with fish-eyes and gills and funny little tails, but they still have souls and if they still were in some womb or uterus or whatever, there’s a chance that they’d grow up to be Republicans -- just like you and me! (That’s assuming you just didn’t throw them away, of course – like all those abortion clinics do with them).

Anyway, thank God for being the moral guy you are! Human life trumps everything in my book! Keep up the good work. We’re all pulling for you here in Hoosierland!

Your loyal friend,

Lazlo Toth

Voting for Republicans (both indicted and unindicted) since 1952!

P.S. By the way, keep on bombing the hell out of those damned Hezbollah terrorists! No cease fire! Kill them! Show them no mercy! They don’t deserve to live!

(Inspired by Don Novello’s Lazlo Toth Letters)

[AnArmyVeteran]

27. ONE MIND + TEA BAGGER MIND = 1 MIND ... 1 + 0 = 1

[AnArmyVeteran]

28. ONE MIND + TEA BAGGER MIND = 1 MIND ... 1 + 0 = 1

[lame54]

17. shouldn't it be "A Teabaggers Pome"?

[IndianaJoe]

21. P.S.

Fer all you libruls out there
Who think us Teabagger's can't spell
I ran this threw a "Spell-Check"
Now you can all go to hell!

[lame54]

23. you sound very teabaggish to me?