Major Boehner's father was a sober God-fearing man…

[tjwash]

…whose idea of a good joke was to lie about his age.

He was a long-limbed raw boned republican mouthpiece, a God-fearing, freedom-loving, law-abiding rugged individualist who held that federal aid to anyone but republicans was creeping socialism.

He advocated thrift and hard work and disapproved of loose women who turned him down. His specialty was tolerance, and he made a good thing out of never showing any.

The government paid him well for every word of tolerance that he did not show. The more tolerance he did not show, the more money the government gave him, and he spent every penny he didn't earn on new talking points to increase the amount of tolerance he did not show.

Major Boehner's father worked without rest at not showing tolerance. On long winter evenings he remained indoors and did not care about anyone, and he sprang out of bed at the crack of noon every day just to make certain that the word would not be spread. He invested in oil futures wisely and soon was not showing more tolerance than any other man in the country.

Neighbors sought him out for advice on all subjects, for he had made much money and was therefore wise.

"Fight them over there as to not fight them over here," he counseled one and all, and everyone said, "Amen."

A big thank you to Joseph Heller