Breaking News: The Second Coming Is Here.

[walldude]

Jesus Returns
April 01, 2010, 8:22 AM EDT
by Walldude

Des Moines- In a stunning display of hubris, Jesus Christ himself has returned to earth. As usual things did not go quite as planned. Jesus's first stop was at a tea party rally in Des Moines. As the crowed gathered Jesus pushed his way to the speaking platform raised his hands and claimed with authority "I have returned my children, my father has sent me here to insure that all Christians are following my teachings".

Perhaps Jesus should have done his homework before he appeared in Des Moines today. You see with his "hair of white wool" and his skin "bronzed from the sun" Jesus looked like, well, he looked like he came from the Middle East. Before the shouts of "commie socialist" could even start he was tackled by two armed tea baggers and dragged off the platform. Onlookers claim he could be heard muttering.. "oh fuck, not again".

But crucifixion was not in the cards for Jesus that day, something much worse was coming. He was thrown into a black van with tinted windows and hauled away to an undisclosed location... on "C" street. Some of the leaders of the Christianity movement Pat Robertson, The Pope, Bill Donahue, Rick Warren, Joel Osment, and Glen Beck(after looking at these guys Jesus could be heard muttering " you know dad, crucifixion would have been less cruel) gathered in a dank room with the "son of god" and started the questioning in earnest. "Why aren't you white?" "How can you be Jesus if we aren't raptured" "Can you prove who you are? Where is your birth certificate?". Glen Beck kept asking him if he was one of those "social justice scumbags". To his credit, Jesus calmly sat and gave nothing but his name: Jesus Christ.. rank: Son Of God and serial number.. 00000000000000000000000000001

After 15 minutes of getting nothing out of Jesus they called the CIA and had him sent out of the country for "enhanced" interrogation.

Now while I would like to report that Jesus, having had enough of the waterboarding, the torture and the incessant whining of one Glen Beck, got angry, and went to town, freeing himself from captivity and taking revenge on those who use his name to start wars, rape children, and get rich conning old ladies out of their social security checks. I would like to report that Jesus grabbed his staff and laid the smack down on the so called political and religious leaders who all seem to be committing horrible atrocities in his name, all over the world, and slapping down the people who defend these leaders and worship them as false idols.

But I can't. You see he's Jesus. The Prince of Peace. And he will sit idly by and watch as the people he came to save use his name to get rich, to protect the guilty and to wage wars. Somewhere in some undisclosed country, in some undisclosed prison, in some undisclosed cell...

JESUS WEPT.

[JuniperLea]

1. Dude... you missed your calling...

Leave the lights, the stage, and write! You've been on fire lately! (Or, write, and sell it, THEN leave the rest... think of all the time you could spend with your family! :)

:applause:

[walldude]

2. I got another pm from Skinner today wanting to republish

the "You didn't get mad" piece. Also have been e-mailing with Thom Hartmann's wife about it, Thom read it on the air and I happened to be in the car with one of my kids when he did. Boy did dad jump up a few points that day :)

[JuniperLea]

3. Wow! That's too cool for words!

Nothing is better than when your own kid thinks you're cool;) Congrats! Clearly I'm not alone in my thinking on this... good company! Keep it up! I wanna be able to say I knew you when! :)

[walldude]

8. Yeah... pretty sweet,

I'll contact you by PM in a couple weeks, I get the new tour schedule 1st of May, hopefully we'll be coming near you...

[JuniperLea]

11. Hey! That's pretty sweet too!

:)

[dixiegrrrrl]

4. TTHAT is terrific and bitter and sad and wonderfully written.

Very impressive.

May I steal it for my Easter card for next year?

Because unfortunately I think it will still be appropriate.

[walldude]

6. Please do, I love to know what I write touches people...

and I think you are right, it's going to take a lot more than a year to get out from under all this bad karma...

[Echo In Light]

5. .

[LiberalFighter]

9. Because they didn't listen to the message.

[Mojorabbit]

7. Well done! nt

[walldude]

13. Thanks!! n/t

[myrna minx]

10. .

:applause:

[walldude]

12. kick before I go...

back later!

[RagAss]

14. He took a bull-whip to those who used the Temple of his father to sell goods....

He'd take a Flame-Thrower to these fuckers !

[walldude]

15. ...

[nc4bo]

16. oooh, you're gonna go to hell......

So am I after I stop :rofl::rofl::rofl:

[WillyT]

17. Absolutely... Perfect !!! - K & R !!!

:yourock:

:kick:

:hi:

[Shell Beau]

18. Jesus must weep every day seeing what we do in His name.

A man of peace is right. After all that happened to Him while being crucified, He said "Father forgive them for they know not what they do". This gave me chills. Thanks for posting.

[golddigger]

21. Why would he weep?

"Think not I am come to send peace on earth. I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set man at variance against his father, and daughter against her mother."

"And every one that hath forsaken house, or brethren, or sisters, or fathers. Or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life."

According to the writer of Matthew, Christ, the compassionate, the merciful, uttered these terrible words.

"If Christ was in fact God, he knew all the future. Before him like a panorama moved the history yet to be. He knew how his words would be interpreted. He knew what crimes, what horrors, what infamies, would be committed in his name. He knew that the hungry flames of persecution would climb around the limbs of countless martyrs. He knew that thousands and thousands of brave men and women would languish in dungeons in darkness, filled with pain. He knew that his church would invent and use instruments of torture; that his followers would appeal to whip and faggot, to chain and rack. He saw the horizon of the future lurid with the flames of the 'auto da fe.' He knew what creeds would spring like poisonous fungi from every text. He saw the ignorant sects waging war against each other. He saw thousands of men under orders of priests, building prisons for their fellow-men. He saw thousands of scaffolds dripping with the best and bravest blood. He saw his followers using the instruments of pain. He heard the groans--saw the faces white with agony. He heard shrieks and sobs and cries of all the moaning, martyred multitudes. He knew that commentaries would be written on his words with swords, to be read by the light of faggots and stakes. He knew the inquisition would be born of the teachings attributed to him.

He saw the interpolations and falsehoods that hypocrisy would write and tell. He saw all wars that would be waged, and he knew that above these fields of death, these dungeons, these racking, these burnings, these executions, for a thousand years would float the dripping banner of the cross. He knew that hypocrisy would be robed and crowned--that cruelty and credulity would rule the world; knew that liberty would perish from the earth; knew the popes and kings in his name would enslave the souls and bodies of men; knew that they would persecute and destroy the discoverers, thinkers and inventors; knew that his church would extinguish reason's holy light and leave the world without a star.

He saw his disciples extinguishing the eyes of men, flaying them alive, cutting out their tongues, searching for every nerve of pain.

And yet he died with voiceless lips." Robert Green Ingersol

So please tell me again why he would weep?

[Shell Beau]

23. You are obviously not a Christian. I am.

I didn't come into this thread to debate my beliefs, and I am not going to. There is a bigger picture than that you quoted. You picked a few quotes out of thousands.

[golddigger]

24. Ugh, so did you.

Pick a few quotes out of a thousand that is.

[Shell Beau]

25. Ok, but I wasn't trying to debate anyone. I was simply

replying to the OP. You replied to me.

[nc4bo]

19. Walldude...

Re-read my response and wanted to clarify.

I'm not laughing because of the piece that you wrote, it's more of a hysterical laughter.

I get so sick and tired of those who use the cross and Christianity as a way to hide their hateful, greedy persona.

Their actions have nothing whatsoever to do with what God stands for. The murders of abortion doctors, the warmongering, the horrible way they treat the poor, women, children yet you'll find them first thing Sunday morning sitting in some church patting themselves on the back for being such good Christians.

So kudos for a job well done!!

[walldude]

20. No problem.. I got it the first time..

there was no need to "clarify". Sometimes laughter is all we have left or we'll go insane. What with the week we've had, the wiki vid, the catholic church, the mine disaster, the fake prom, the bullying, and this strange story about Obama continuing the "assassination" policy we are in some serious need of laughter... :toast:

[Elwood P Dowd]

22. Republicans have replaced the original Jesus with Supply Side Jesus.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AK7gI5lMB7M