Mission Like Totally Accomplished, Yo!

JeffR

(1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore

Tue May-01-07 08:56 AM
Original message

Mission Like Totally Accomplished, Yo!

Oh yeah! The fourth anniversary of the super-duper, mud-in-yer-eye, lump-in-yer-throat, bulge-in-your-pants, photo-opstravaganzalicious Big Kahuna of All-American American holidays. It's the most wonderful time of the year, with all due respect to Christmas, Easter and those other high holy days the godless commies want to have expunged from the calendars of this fine Christian nation.

Happy Codpiece Day!

Remember the thrill of it all? An aircraft carrier, a big-ass aircraft carrier just like in the movies, only real. A fighter jet "piloted" by the President, just like he used to do in Alabama, that great state still safe and unblemished by the Vietcong to this very day! And that big, bold, beautiful, bad-ass banner the Bush Administration has modestly spent the last 48 months disclaiming responsibility for, generously crediting the crew of the USS Abraham Lincoln, excessive sunspot activity, Bill Clinton, space aliens, whatever… anything to avoid the slightest hint of hubris or vainglory.

And, lest we forget, that package, that weaponry! Rama-lama-ding-dong, cock-a-doodle-dandy and ooh-la-la, lock up your daughters, soccer moms! Tie Chris Matthews down too, somebody…

Okay, we could beat that to death, but the Decider hates to be a hot dog, so please, let’s not embarrass him on this joyous day of celebration.

Think back now. See the picture coming into focus again?

"In the Battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed."

Dude! Major combat operations in Iraq are over! We put a boot up their ass, it’s the American way!

Our GIs tossing Hershey bars and Juicy Fruit to throngs of jubilant Iraqis in the streets of Baghdad! An amazing self-financing gosh-darn shootin’ war! Electricity flowing through the wires and oil through the pipelines! Schools actually rebuilding themselves, brick by miraculous brick! Iraqi kids, those swarthy little heathen scamps, knocking that Saddam statue down with their Air Jordans and generously building us a huge embassy with their bare little Mohammedan hands!

A free and democratic - uh, Republican Iraq! A beacon in the Middle East!

Remember?

No?

Come on, it was only four years ago! Anybody?

Popular wartime President, hmm? Permanent Republican majority, hmm? Remember? Who's with me here?

It’s Codpiece Day, for the love of Pete! Get with the spirit of the holiday.

May all your troubles be little ones! Rise, rise America! Shake your money-maker! Wave your sunny nobility for the cameras! Don't shrink from the excitement! Stand tall! Don't dick around, get hip to the freedom vibe! Have a cigar! Have a sausage!

Piss on those Islamofascists! Fuck Saddam, we took him out! Balls to the wall! Screw the naysaying America-haters!

Let’s roll! Johnson Wax up your waterboards! Nuts to the terrorists! Stiff upper lip, as they say in the Mother Country! You can't keep America down! Surge with pride! Release your inner patriot! Pump it up! Tie a yellow ribbon ‘round it! Ride, captain, ride! Do it, do it, do it till you’re satisfied! Supersize it! Have a swell time! Bust a move! Reach for the sky! Free Willy! And buy something, buy something big!

Victory! The Bush Doctrine! Five rugs for five bucks! It just don’t get better than this, y’all!

Have a big ol’ swingin' Codpiece Day!

No?

Nothing?

Hmm.

You know, the problem with you leftists is you just haven’t been paying attention.