Memo to God

[NanceGreggs]

Memo to God
From Nancy Greggs

I know you’re busy running the universe and all, but you’ve probably noticed that we’re in quite a mess down here.

I’m wondering if you’ve given any thought to sending Jesus back to give us a refresher course on his teachings (which, for all intents and purposes, have been distorted in ways even you wouldn’t believe possible).

If you are thinking in that direction, especially if you’re toying with the idea of Jesus locating somewhere in the US (being as we seem to be the biggest screw-ups on the planet), I thought I’d give you a few helpful suggestions.

Don’t send Jesus back as a politician. Once he starts campaigning on things like social safety-nets for the poor, or using diplomacy instead of waging war, he will be Swiftboated out of the running. Yeah, you know and I know that he is without fault. But that won’t matter; they’ll just make stuff up and swear on Your name that it’s the truth.

Don’t send Jesus back as a homeless man. His chances of survival will be pretty much zero. If you’re thinking that any good Christian would help him out, you’re sadly mistaken. A lot of the people who call themselves Christians nowadays will just kick him to the curb, and tell him to get off his lazy butt and get a job.

Don’t send Jesus back in anything less than perfect health. If he gets sick and needs medical treatment, he won’t get it – unless he comes back with unlimited financial resources. Besides, he’s probably going to have to work three jobs to support himself, so good health is kind of a must.

Don’t send Jesus back as a preacher. I know, I know, it would be the obvious choice. But his sermons (doing unto others, caring for the poor, etc.) just don’t have the listening audience they used to back in the day. Unless he sets up a mega-church and preaches about accumulating power and wealth, voting Republican, and looking the other way when it comes to torture, he’s just not going anywhere with that gig.

Don’t send Jesus back looking like he used to (i.e. ix-nay on the robes and long hair). If people even suspect he’s a liberal hippie – or worse yet, that he might be gay – he’s not going to get a very warm welcome, if you catch my drift.

I’d also tone down the dark skin, the ethnic look, and the name, Jesus – all of which spell foreigner not to be trusted in a lot of places down here.

Don’t send Jesus to the White House in hopes of giving anyone there a good talking to. Look, I know Jesus can be as charming and persuasive as the next guy, but He’s the last person on earth this administration wants to hear from. Trust me on that one.

If Jesus plans on doing any miracle-working, he’s going to have to come up with some new ones. Feeding the multitude with loaves and fishes? Not unless you want to chance a really sick crowd. The fish is full of mercury, and the loaves are likely to be on a recall list.

Water into wine? Okay, but use bottled water. Yeah, we’ve got a pretty sick environment here – but the bottom-line profits of the corporate polluters have never been healthier.

The ability to walk on water, however, is a must if Jesus plans to do any traveling. Once his subversive ideas about peace and understanding start getting around, he’ll be on the no-fly list faster than you can say “Love Thy Neighbor”.

Just one last word to the All-Wise, if I may? If Jesus wants to keep his presence on the down-low for a while, tell him he can hang with the Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson followers. Believe me, there isn’t even a remote chance that anyone will recognize him.

Hope I’ve been of some help here. And hey, as always, thanks for listening.

[CrazyOrangeCat]

1. Brilliant. Bookmarked.

[LaurenG]

2. You are so very gifted

bravo. :applause:

[CrazyOrangeCat]

3. And you, Madame Moderator . . .

just hit 12,000 posts.

:applause:

[LaurenG]

7. Wow - the perfect post to hit a milestone

thank you!

[RB TexLa]

4. ...

[Critters2]

5. Priceless. Thank you. nt

[rubberducky]

6. Home run, Ms. Greggs!!!!

K&R

[JTG of the PRB]

8. K & R!!!

Very nicely done!

[boston bean]

9. K & R Good one, Nance!! nt

[rhett o rick]

10. Bad idea to ask for the return of Jesus.

First of all the sorry state of this nation would break his heart.

He might have a hard time refraining from kicking the asses of those that are claiming to preach his word but are only out for their own greed, like pat robertson.

Faux News would crucify him as a liberal(pun not intended and not funny).

There are a number of churches that would throw him down their front steps.

The only networks that would have anything to do with him would be Comedy Central or PBS.

[loudsue]

22. He'd have to do more than turn over a few tables of the "money changers"...

He'd have to kick all the corporations asses into the next galaxy. Ain't it the truth!

Great thread by Nance!!! (Yet again!) :loveya:

:kick::kick::kick:

[Boojatta]

11. Doesn't every group of Christians portray Jesus as their own ethnicity?

(Not that there's anything wrong with portraying Jesus that way.)

Are any experts in the history of visual arts reading this thread?

I’d also tone down the dark skin, the ethnic look, and the name, Jesus – all of which spell foreigner not to be trusted in a lot of places down here.

[babylonsister]

12. Yay, Nance! Loved it! Thank you! nt

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

13. Bravo!! Nicely done.

[lapfog_1]

14. Maybe he could come back as a used car salesman

[karlrschneider]

15. Have I told you lately that I love you?

You do NOT want to hear me try to sing it, though. :D
:toast:
k/r

[Suich]

16. This is absolutely hysterical!

Excellent job, NanceGreggs! I have no idea how you find the time but your entries are certainly appreciated.!

:hi:

[emanymton]

17. You Know Don't You, Its People Like You Who Ruin ...

everythin fer us chosen ones.
___________§


It hurts to think that so many of your points will be missed by those who need it the most. But it has been this way for many centuries.

Thanks for the early morning laugh.

[Swamp Rat]

18. PS

Swamp Rat needs a new car. :)

[H2O Man]

19. In the 1980s

Phillip Berrigan sent me this poem from his brother Daniel's "The Book of Uncommon Prayer":


Why, O God, are you silent
Why does evil have the upper hand?
Maker, ruler of all,
into what hands have the reins slipped?
The question arises: whose side are you on?
You weren't always so distant --
not a page of that famous book doesn't say it.
You -- plucking people from disaster
Interposing yourself Turning natural forces around
Making sure, making sense, making love
Nailing things down, clarifying, repairing
night watching
Not allowing evil a rat hole to slink out of.

Who you are
is far less clear
given the evidence
daily shoved in our faces --
Let me make bold to remind you --

"Faith is a two-way street"

Hope is a hand to hand clasp.
So, come. Believe in me. Take my hand.

[NanceGreggs]

21. Thanks so much for sharing that, H2O Man. n/t

[annabanana]

20. I am sending this to my Pastor... He will LOVE it!

(he's one of the good ones)

[madamesilverspurs]

23. Could you please, in the future,

warn me when you're going to be running around in my brain,
gathering up my scattered thoughts and putting them into
coherent presentation?  Truth to tell, if Jesus came back now
I think he'd spend the first few days sobbing over many of
things people have done in His name.

May I post this (credited, of course) to a discussion forum in
our local paper?

[NanceGreggs]

25. Feel free to post ... and welcome to DU! n/t

[Maestro]

24. One of your best!

:thumbsup:

[LuckyLib]

26. Wonderful! Any chance you'll be sending this to a local newspaper syndicate?

Plenty of folks in the hinterlands need to read this.

[reichstag911]

27. PRAISE THE LORD...

...and Nance, too! :)

[mnhtnbb]

28. Sent to my neighbor and friend , a woman Episcopalian priest.

She'll love it.

[papau]

29. As always very well written -but judgemental -but since I agree with the judgements it's great! Folk

are always telling God what to do and what to be, usually to in effect act like they are God and God is to simply do as asked.

But like I said - since I agree with the points being made as to the problems that need to be addressed - the religious side, even the unknown reason for the italics on "thanks for listening" - gets a pass.

[pitohui]

30. error-- you can only recommend threads started in the last 24 hours

wish i'd seen this letter before, you are brilliant!!!!!!

[ChazII]

31. Forget any miracles

too much governmental red tape. Not to mention environmental hearings.... and turn water into wine --- environmentalist would stone him in a nanosecond. Forget feediing 5,000 or more those fish and loaves a bread....