The Onion: Wal-Mart Cuts Over 13,000 Of What It Calls Jobs

[Lorien]

BENTONVILLE, AR—Retail giant Wal-Mart has announced in recent weeks that, effective immediately, it is cutting as many as 13,000 of what it somehow has the audacity to refer to as "jobs" from its corporate payroll.

According to Wal-Mart representatives, the, for lack of a better word, positions will be cut from the company's underperforming Sam's Club division. Analysts reported that Monday's layoffs marked one of the largest so-called downsizings of what can hardly even be termed employment in the company's history.


"Obviously, it is a sad day whenever we have to let go of any of the people we have dehumanized so thoroughly that we can barely muster the will to describe them as employees," Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke told reporters. "However, this is a business, and we must do what we can to stay competitive while still paying our existing workforce what we actually refer to with a straight face as wages."

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/wal_mart_cuts_over_13_000_of_what

(and may I just add that WalMart CEO Mike Duke looks like the very face of evil).