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In order to prevent any more Yemenis from trying to blow their balls off on one of OUR planes, the following sensible airline security precautions are to be implemented immediately. Immediately, I tell ya!
1. To deter passengers from detonating bombs hidden in their clothing, they will be required to fly nude. A new TSA/National Rifle Association/President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports-produced pamphlet, "Enjoy Nature and Get In Great Shape by Walking To Your Destination" will be issued to any passenger who complains.
2. Because adult passengers' bodies may be intimidating to small children, Rev. James Dobson has written a brochure to explain...well, certain things. It is entitled "You're Flying Naked Because Daddy Doesn't Want You To Turn Gay." And to help answer questions like "mommy, why is that man's thing smaller than mine?" we will issue another brochure, "A Field Guide to Spotting Republicans," to each little boy who asks.
3. No modern technology is sufficient to unveil every kind of destructive device someone might want to sew into his shorts, all passengers' clothing will be packed into a footlocker, taken to the roof of the airport's parking garage--or to the tallest building within five miles of an airport that doesn't have a parking garage--and thrown off. If it doesn't explode, load it onto the plane.
4. No carry-on baggage will be allowed on the plane. All bags, including purses and diaper bags, must be checked into the plane's cargo hold. The TSA suggests airlines waive their per-bag fee for items that would have been carried on prior to 12/25, but does not wish to dictate to private business how it conducts itself.
5. To dissuade terrorists from packing bombs in their suitcases, all travelers will be issued Sharpies, copy paper and duct tape upon arrival at the airport. Passengers will make an itemized list of the contents of their bags and tape the lists to the outside of the bags.
6. In order to facilitate thorough screenings, all passengers are required to check their baggage no less than seven hours prior to departure.
7. The TSA will provide a school bus-type vehicle and driver to each airport. The bus will take passengers from the terminal to the nearest pawn shop to give them the opportunity to buy their stuff back before departure.
8. Passengers will no longer be allowed to move about the cabin. To end complaints that they can't "hold it" the entire length of a flight, TSA requests all airlines remove the base from each seat and replace it with a five-gallon bucket. Tests conducted by the TSA have proven the ring on your ass goes away after a week or so. TSA recommends that the contents of these buckets be collected and delivered to Representative Michelle Bachmann, United States House of Representatives, who will fashion it into legislation.
9. TSA has had an "air marshal" program, in which a Federal Agent armed with a concealed weapon rides aboard randomly-selected airliners in an attempt to dissuade hijacking, since 9/11. We have determined that this program is no longer sufficient. Starting immediately, a 300-pound Hells Angel armed with a baseball bat will be on every aircraft flight that passes through US airspace, including Cessnas, hot air balloons and single-seat ultralights. The Hells Angels Motorcycle Club informs TSA most of their members who meet the program requirements are in prison on marijuana possession charges. DEA has been notified.
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