I wonder how many kids regret the things they've said to their parents

[Missy M]

Some examples - I hate you, I hate this house, you're stupid, you don't know what your talking about, I can't wait until I can leave this house, you're mean and so many more. It happens in families between parents and children but the love and caring is always there, on both sides. Anger and frustration can bring out words of regret.

[Breeze54]

1. I regretted some things I said and did but

my parents forgave me and said,
"You're our daughter and you'll always be our daughter.. We love you."
They really relieved my guilt for being a rebellious teenager X 1000!

:loveya: They're gone now but I'll always love them for that.

[Missy M]

3. I too regret some things I said....

but they forgave me and loved me. Mine are gone and I miss them everyday.

[Liberal Veteran]

2. Last words I said to my mother were in a five page letter where...

...I blasted the living hell out of her for presuming to think she had any right to judge me for being gay and when I go off on a written rant, I go for the throat.

Don't regret it at all....it was about time someone called her on her bullshit.

Too bad she died in a bus accident before we had an opportunity to make things right, but I don't regret what I said. She deserved it.

[Breeze54]

4. I'm sorry she was so

callous in judging you. That wasn't fair or loving.
Some parents are just stuck in their old ways.
Stuck on stupid. I'm sorry you lost her too. That's sad.

:hug:

[karlrschneider]

5. Don't beat yourself up over it. What's done is done.

It's too bad it didn't work out better for you. You have to be true to yourself even if others...even family... won't.

[Liberal Veteran]

7. Oh, I don't beat myself up over it.

My regret is that we didn't have the opportunity to get past our differences. She deserved every word I wrote in that letter, sad to say and I don't regret writing it.

[karlrschneider]

10. Understood. I can somewhat empathize with you on this sad story.

but not completely since my own experience was so different - my own mom and my partner's parents have become
great friends. It took a while for them all to "get it" but we've been together since 1981 and for the last 15 or so years, it's all fine. Best wishes.

[uppityperson]

6. I regret being a know it all teenage jerk and letting my parents have it.

I have apologized many times for being how I was. They said no problem, I am a good person and it was just a stage. I have apologized many times in recent yrs, having my own Jr going through stages.

[pitohui]

8. i regret the things i said to my parents

we are human, the only way out is forward

[Generic Brad]

9. I wonder how many parents regret the things they've said to their kids

Like mine:

-You're going to burn in hell.
-You're worthless.
-You have always been weird and none of us ever liked you.

When people talk to me like that I have to tell you I don't really sense the love or the caring.

[greenbriar]

11. me

Just Thursday, I snapped at my gifted wonderful 15 year old... partly out of frustration, partly out of fear


She goes to a high school with over 2000 students, I have to leave work to go pick her up as she doesn't qualify for transportation. She is usually at the spot we agreed upon by 3:15 it was 3:30 and she wasn't there.

I called her cell...voice mail I called her best friend...voice mail

I then called her cell back and left a message that if she wasn't at the spot in 3 minutes she was going to have to find her own way home...

I didn't know what was going on and I was getting frustraited and kind of scared...



WELL she was actually talkign to her teachers because she knew she was going to be absent on Friday and she was getting her assignments...


you don't think I felt about 2mm small??????????


IT HAPPENS>>>WE ARE NOT PERFECT

[Generic Brad]

13. That is understandable and forgivable

But if someone hears the pope is getting rid of limbo and you are told you are now out of the family unless you dump your non-Christian wife and baptize your kids so you can still qualify for heaven - I have a hard time forgiving that.

[seabeyond]

18. but

you didnt say on the cell message, "you inconsiderate, irresponsible pig. be here in 3 minutes or you find your own ride home".

there is a difference

but.... i hear what you say, chew your child out and then find out they were doing good, lol lol. makes them feel good though in ways, cause they shine a little briter for their effort.... so lite/dark and there good so visible. good for you daughter. i have a son trying to work on this being responsible thing. FINALLY at 12 and me diwscussing (nagging) about having to take care of them every step, he is saying, i want to be able to do all this and is putting forth the efforts. i have to remember not to jump to assumptions like i could depend on in the past.

[pitohui]

14. come on all parents say that and they all regret it

the three quotes you give i heard from my parents word for word

no, that's no fair, they didn't say, "you're worthless," they said, "you won't amount to a hill of beans"

it's just frustration, it's steam, parents didn't have ph.D's they are tossed out and become parents in their teens or early 20s (yeah, nowadays parents are 30 or 40 but in our day? come ON reality!)

if you said nothing stupid at the age your parents were when they said stupid shit to you, well, god bless america mr. jesus, now step up hurry up and save this screwed up planet because the rest of us are mortal!

[Generic Brad]

15. Mine said that to me when I was in my 40's

I'm no spring chicken.

[pitohui]

17. i hear that friend

it ain't about you, it's about them

in their old age my parents have much more control over their temper, as do i, but it did not come easily and i can see how the path could have led in a different direction

[Breeze54]

21. My Mom was 42 when I was born, my Dad was 44.

;)

And my Mom graduated college Suma Cum Laude.

Just sayin'! lol

Parents back then were older from my observations as a kid.

[seabeyond]

12. one of the many many differences with being hte adult, opposed to the child

i dont find it hard not to say hurtful things to people i love, be it a child or adult. shoot even to people i dont love, strangers on the street. maybe that is why i am so surprised at the number of people validating hurtful behavior.

it is one thing being angry. it is another thing being purposely hurtful. that takes effort to be purposely hurtful. it is not something out of control or that just happens. it is a choice. and most people will easily recognize a person who is purposefuly hurtful. children are especially clever at recognizing this.

[pitohui]

16. how does that work?

so is there some hormone that kicks in and you are never get mad any more because you are now a parent instead of a child

wow, i must have been adopted because my parents sure didn't have benefit of this magic hormone

guess what, jesus christ himself went mad and whipped up on the money changers in the temple and he was like 30 at the time?

i think you have to be about 60 (grandparent age) before you are incapable of irrational anger when you are worried about someone you love

[seabeyond]

19. you didnt read my post throughly, i am assuming.

i clearly stated that we get mad, but there is a difference between being mad and purposely hurtful. i have never claimed i do not get mad.

on edit: i have never experienced irrational nor out of control anger. my anger i always know what i am doing and how far i am pushing it. i do not believe when people say they do not have control.

[Breeze54]

23. "i do not believe when people say they do not have control."

I was attacked by an individual and I blacked out. I totally 'lost' it!
I was so enraged or scared or freaked out, I guess.
Last thing I remembered was only after it happened, being pulled off my attacker.

She had a broken arm, when all was said and done. I don't remember doing it though.

Scared the crap out of me! Needless to say, she didn't go near me again! ;)
(Might have been due to the threat of prison for her though and my restraining order against her.) ;)

[pitohui]

24. if you don't believe people when they say they don't have control, you are not reality based

many people are aware that brains are flesh and blood and operated by chemicals and electricity and that, guess what, YOU DO NO HAVE CONTROL 100 percent of what happens w. your brain and emotions

what a terrific world it owuld be if we did, but even jesus christ himself lost his temper and picked up a bullwhip

since you are more holy than jesus i guess we have nothing to discuss as i am not

i am mere flesh and blood, like my parents and grandparents before me

[seabeyond]

26. i have been around a lot of people that get angry but they are not purposely hurtful

i do not see myself as unique. i dont think it is a given that when a person is angry or even hurt themselves, they automatically will, with intent, hurt another. expressing ones anger and trying to hurt another person are two different things. i also dont believe that because a person is angry it is a given they are out of control. i never thought of christ as out of control in that situation, but seeing i didnt personally speak to him about it, nor did he declare he had no control in his anger, i cannot confirm or deny.

and fib, lie, whatever.... no i do not have a desire to hurt another person. i do get angry, and fast, in a flash, and it goes away just as fast. but in my anger i have never felt the need to degrade or belittle the person or make the other person less. generally in anger i express what i am feeling. not who they are.

[Breeze54]

31. It's all in the perception and intent.

You may not have 'intended' to be 'purposefully' hurtful but your words may have been hurtful.

Therefore the recipient, may very well have seen it, as being intentionally hurtful.

Especially if it was repetitive. Then they may think of you as a hurtful person, with intent.

[seabeyond]

33. you are right of course. but this is why i put in one of my posts

how people can feel it, especially kids are very good at feeling it. they are still pretty true to their feelings. they have not had to be protected or shielded as much as by the time we are adults. a child is very perceptive on if an adult is being mean, or the intent of mean is not there.

i am very honest and straight forward with my kids. i speak from the heart, the place of love, yes... even in anger. we have had the conversation if i have ever hurt their feeling unaware, for the very reason you have brought it up in your post. that i may not have intended to hurt them, but they preceived it as purposeful hurt, the intent to hurt.

if the intent isnt there, can a person perceive an intent to be there? maybe not

i would have to research that. my feeling more is,.... though the intent isnt there, still one can hurt a person. a person may not preceive the intent is there, but regardless the feelings are hurt even if the intent is not there. i think that is more likely. there is just a feel, when you know someone is doing it to hurt you. it is written all over the place. clearly.

i think

but i am not holding to it

and could easily be wrong.

on edit: you are right of course (maybe). lol lol. the more i started thinking, i dont know

[seabeyond]

34. you are saying i am a knuckle draggin ape

my brother says to me.

no i said you are republican.

but what you are really saying is i am a knuckle draggin ape.

is that what you are talking about when there is no intent to hurt a person (you are republican), and they feel you are purposely hurtful cause the intent is you knuckle draggin ape.

:shrug:

i cant take responsibility for that hurt. the person that creates it in their mind has to own that one.

[Breeze54]

35. No...I'm just saying that

people say things that are hurtful, they don't think will be hurtful
but they are hurtful to the one that it's said to. Kabish?
And if it's said over and over, then the person might think you mean it!

If it's just in play or as a game, then that's different.

And if it's said in anger once, then it could be forgiven.

But if someone says nasty things, over and over, then it would be interpreted as hurtful.

As intended to be hurtful. They're saying it AGAIN because they know it hurts.

[bling bling]

20. Perhaps you missed this line in her post....

"it is one thing being angry. it is another thing being purposely hurtful."

[pitohui]

25. the line is self glorifying, jesus himself was himself was purposely hurtful when he lost his temper

i'm going to suggest that the poster is fibbing, the person who has never been purposeful hurtful don't exist

[bling bling]

27. Maybe. Maybe not.

All you know *for sure* is that you've been purposely hurtful. You feel your parents were purposely hurtful towards you. And you excuse that, I'm assuming, because you can identify and empathize with such a reaction.

I'm from a family where it's ok to laugh and make fun of one another if we say something stupid. For example, if my husband comes into the room carrying a bowl of chips and trips and I yell "BE CAREFUL!!! Don't spill the chips!! Everyone would call me out on how callous I was towards my husband (not worrying about him, but worrying about the chips) and laugh at me for it. I would be embarrassed and laugh at it too. But this exact same thing happened at my friends house when her family was there and I laughed at it and nobody else laughed. They don't laugh at each other like that. It was foreign to me. I've been around people who never tease their children and so when newcomers come around and do a little teasing the children don't get it, and don't laugh at all.

My point is that it's not only possible, but it's very likely that Seabeyond has never purposely said something to *hurt* someone she loves. And personally, having grown up in a house filled with vicious hateful talk directed at me, I know some of the repercussions of that. I have a difficult time managing anger and stress because my role models were people who got angry and lashed out under stress. I don't want to be like them but it's all I know. I wish all the time that they would have *tried harder*. But they excused their behavior by rationalizing it by saying "parenting is hard and just wait until you have kids and you'll see what it's like".

My angle on this whole Alec Baldwin thing is to take the opportunity to learn a lesson from it. Sure, people say things they regret. But that shouldn't be the end of the conversation and let's just move on. We shouldn't just accept that. It's not right. And we should point it out. And try harder.

Alec Baldwin fucked up. And I'm acknowledging it. My parents fucked up. A lot of parents have. But I STILL hope parents use this as a lesson and try harder to manage their anger so that they don't feel like they have to purposely hurt their kids in order to resolve a problematic situation.

edited for clarity

[seabeyond]

28. neither of my parents have ever said anything with intent to hurt my feelings

even if they want to speak a truth to me, like say i am a liberal, they will clarify to say, this isnt to hurt your feelings but.... neither of my parents ever purposely tried to hurt me.

they got angry. my mom was a yeller, and she yelled a lot

my husband has never said anything to hurt my feelings. nor have his parents. i dont think it is so unusual.

that is a good point on the teasing too. my oldest brother would "tease". was suppose to be funny. it was hurtful to both me and my other brother. i dont allow "teasing" in our house either. the way brother does it there is enough truth in the tease, really it is a jab.

i just dont feel good hurting people. i like to feel good. so i dont hurt people. really the ultimate in a selfish act.

[bling bling]

29. I agree. In fact, I don't think anybody feels good hurting people.

It is a maladaptive behavior. It serves no helpful purpose to the person initiating the behavior or to the receiver. But the result can be devastating. Some children are much more sensitive than others, and would be absolutely crushed at being called a name such as a pig by one of the most important people in their lives. I never wanted to upset my parents and when they said things to purposely hurt me I almost couldn't bare it. I eventually just had to put up a barrier to them in order to deal with it emotionally because I felt like they hated me. I look at my daughter now and wonder how could they have said some of the things they said to me? I never want to make her feel the way I felt.

[seabeyond]

30. just gives me the chills, makes me so sad. yet, not something your

daughter will have to experience or shield herself from. good for you, and her.

[midnight]

22. Thank you Missy. This is such a part of the deal. We might not

like it, but that is part of being in a working family.

[NNadir]

32. Oh God. You have no idea.

My parents are both long dead.

"What's done cannot be undone."

Thus spake Macbeth, and it is still true.

[Wapsie B]

36. Regret? My only regret with my parents

is that I didn't say enough. Not that I didn't express anger and frustration, but the bulk of it was internalized. My only regret is for the things I did not say. But there's still time.

[fizzgig]

37. i still remember the first time i told my mother i hated her

i was maybe six. i felt like i'd torn my heart out of my chest. i went to my room and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. i remember poking my head out of my room and calling to her.

now, 20 years later, i still feel horrible when i think about it.

i love you mommy