How to argue with a liberal if you're a fundie (warning, long)

[Rocknrule]

Got this from FSTDT. Remember, it's satire.

1. When framing your argument, use words that aren't actually in the Bible like "abortion," "homosexuality," and "pornography."

2. Bolster your argument with ASDs (Argument Strengthening Devices). Pepper your claims liberally with words and phrases like "clearly," "obviously," "it's common knowledge that...," and "experts agree..."

3. Useful phrase: say, "Hey, I'm sorry, it's not ME that says so, it's God."

4. Useful phrase: say, "If you had the Holy Spirit you'd understand," or "Since you don't have the Holy Spirit you can't possibly understand."

5. Demand answers to irrelevant questions, such as "Have you had an abortion?"

6. Attack your opponent's credibility. If she has had an abortion, tell her she's not qualified to discuss the issue because she's only trying to justify herself. If she hasn't had an abortion, tell her she's not qualified to discuss the issue because she can't know what it's like to have gone through an abortion.

7. Ask your opponent which version of the Bible he uses. If your opponent says, "The NIV," you say, "Sorry, the only valid version of the Bible is the King James version," or vice versa.

8. Accuse your opponent of taking verses out of context. If your opponent asks you to explain how he's done this, say, "Don't insult me, you know how."

9. Ignore contradictory verses. Say, "If you had the Holy Spirit you'd understand," or "Since you don't have the Holy Spirit you can't possibly understand." (See #4 above.)

10. Say that your opponent is thinking with their head, and not their heart. Meaningless and irrelevant statements like this will baffle them, and they may lose their concentration while trying to get the argument back on track. More statements like this can be found on Christian bumperstickers or in the Congressional Record.

11. Tell your opponent that "most people," or "most experts," or "most scholars," agree that "homosexuality is wrong," and that your opponent holds a minority position.

12. Tell your opponent "a recent study" shows that "3-day-old zygotes can do simple calculations (short of long division)," or "homosexuality is a precursor of mad cow disease" or something equally outlandish. If your opponent asks for your source say it was in a major journal like USA Today, Readers Digest, or Parade (or on a website such as newsmax.org or worldnetdaily.com) but you don't remember which issue. Tell them to look it up if they wants to know, that you're not going to do their work for them.

13. If your opponent quotes the Bible tell him you're not impressed: even the Devil can quote scripture.

14. Useful phrase: say, "God says it, I believe it, that settles it."

15. Ask your opponent if he's willing to risk an eternity in the lake of fire on his position.

16. Whatever your opponent accuses you of doing, turn it back on them.

17. If your opponent asks you to "support your claim," tell them that's their job, not yours. Insist on this until smoke starts coming out of their ears.

If you want to look really smart:

18. If your opponent refers to the original Hebrew or Greek insist on a "plain reading" of the text. (You don't need to know what "plain reading" means, if she asks, just act insulted and accuse her of knowing good and well what it means.)

19. Tell your opponent that in the original Hebrew or Greek the verse they're referencing means something completely different. You can always claim they misunderstood you later.

20. Tell them that their "hermeneutics" or "exegesis" is flawed, or that their arguments are "fallacious", or that they're engaging in an ad hominem attack. It is not important to know what any of these terms mean. If your opponent knows what they mean and you don't they'll get completely off track trying to convince you that you've used the term incorrectly.

21. Tell your opponent you're in Mensa.

If you feel that you're losing your argument:

22. Tell your opponent you didn't mean to get them so angry, that as a Christian you love them, and will pray for them. Whatever the response, say, "Please don't get so emotional. I can see that you're clearly disturbed." Rinse. Repeat.

23. Raise the stakes. If your opponent is for homosexual rights ask him if he's in favor of pedophilia, because it's the "same thing." Call him a "baby killer," or "murderer." This will put him on the defensive and he'll get bogged down trying to defend himself.

24. Change the subject. Go vague. Start talking about how abortion or homosexuality causes cancer, or effects society in general-mad cow disease, wars, slavery in the Sudan, melting icecaps, etc.

25. Demand that your opponent read a book or an article that you've pre-selected and then tell them to get back to you, that it's not your job to educate them on the subject.

26. Switch arguments. Start with, "Well, then, what about...?" inserting a new argument. Do this as many times as is necessary.

27. Accuse your opponent of "playing with semantics", "deliberate distorting the plain meaning of Scripture", "playing word games," or "trying to justify his sinful lifestyle."

28. Accuse your opponent of "knowing in their heart" that abortion or homosexuality is wrong.

29. Accuse your opponent of "hating God," and/or "hating Christians." Ask her what happened to her in her past that made her turn against God.

30. Tell your opponent you feel sorry for them, and that you'll pray for them.

31. Tell him that you used to be like him, even worse, but now Christ has changed your heart and you "just know" what's right and wrong. Ask where he gets his sense of right and wrong, his moral values. That will lead to a whole new argument.

32. Declare victory and retreat. Don't underestimate the power of this little strategy-it worked for the U.S. in Vietnam, and may work again in Iraq.

If you're typing your response:

33. Use lots of exclamation marks-up to eight, or even more-at a time!!!! This will indicate to your opponent that what you are saying is true, more true, or better yet, most true!!!!!!!!

34. DEPENDING ON HOW STRONGLY YOU FEEL ABOUT THE TOPIC TYPE SOME, MOST, OR ALL OF YOUR ARGUMENT IN ALL CAPS.

35. Flood the field. Ask dozens of questions and demand that your opponent answer them all before you will continue. If your opponent misses one, accuse them of evasion and terminate the discussion.

36. Contradict yourself completely and make your opponent prove you did this. They'll have to dig through dozens and dozens of old e-mails or posts to find what you said before. If they succeed, say that they took that out of context and that you were talking about something else completely. They'll get bogged down in the confusion and probably give up.

37. If your opponent criticizes your spelling and/or grammar tell him that your native tongue is French and that you're just learning English. Tell him, "Mon Dieu, your argument must be very weak, n'est çe pas, if you have to stoop to pointing out spelling and grammar errors!!!!!!!!"

38. Attack, attack, attack your opponent but reveal nothing about your own position. Your opponent can't argue against your position if you don't reveal anything about it.

39. Get angry. REALLY angry. Use biting sarcasm, hate-filled words, judgemental phrases and pointed condescension. If you get called on your unchristlike behavior, simply say that it's "the Holy Spirit" convicting them.

40. Make sure your name/nickname is something like "super-love-reflection" or "PeacetoAll" and end every attack with "Super love and peace to you." or "In total loving fellowship".

41. Randomly intersperse the words and phrases 'hypocrite', 'pot calling the kettle black', 'God will reveal to you the true answer one day', 'try reading the post again', 'Wrong.' - with no explanation. If they ask for an explanation insist, that they are 'nit picking' (another useful phrase) and that any real Christian would accept their word as gospel

42. Carefully mask insults so your opponent will point them out, then insist that you never did such a terrible thing and then ask them: “Why do you look for the bad in people instead of the good?'

43. Tell your opponent that you are 'above' this argument and will therefore withdraw. This is similar to declaring victory then withdrawing.

44. Don't forget the ol' favorite of 'huh?' or 'huh? That doesn't make any sense' - even if it does.

45. Use ‘try reading the post again' - Everyone uses this phrase when they feel they're point hasn't gotten across. And finally:

46. End every attack with "Super love and peace to you." or "In total loving fellowship" or “In Christian love” or “Praying that God will show you the way.”

47. Useful phrase: “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” or “God/I don’t hate you, God/I hates your sin.”

48. What would Jesus do? Anything we would do. Why? As True Christians, we believe the Bible is inerrant and infallible and therefore God and the Bible must support our beliefs. Therefore, the only one true, correct “interpretation” of Scripture is the one which we have. For that reason, we know that Jesus supports the death penalty, hates homosexuals, believes the poor are they way they are because they are lazy and don’t want to work, and wants illegal immigrants back to the country from whence they came (after they’re through doing the work we want them to do for the lowest possible wage and, of course, no benefits.)

49. Useful phrase (with useful expression): Pitying, deeply concerned look of empathy, accompanied by the phrase, “I used to think that way, myself – before I was convicted by the Holy Spirit and saved.”

50. Obfuscate, obfuscate, obfuscate. If your opponent asks you: "Why don't you practice what Jesus taught?" tell him that Jesus was God and you are only human.

And if you really want to confuse him say:

a. What you do or don't do as a Christian is irrelevant because all your sins have already been nailed on the cross and washed away by the blood of Jesus.

b. Salvation has nothing to do with keeping Jesus's commandments. The only requirement for a guaranteed ticket to Heaven is that you declare with your lips that Jesus is Lord, be baptized, attend Sunday service and tithe.

c. Remember: Jesus said, “Don't think that I came to destroy the law or the prophets. I didn't come to destroy, but to fulfill. For most assuredly, I tell you, until heaven and earth pass away, not even one smallest letter or one tiny pen stroke shall in any way pass away from the law, until all things are accomplished. Whoever, therefore, shall break one of these least commandments, and teach others to do so, shall be called least in the Kingdom of Heaven; but whoever shall do and teach them shall be called great in the Kingdom of Heaven. For I tell you, that unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, there is no way you shall enter into the Kingdom of Heaven.” and Paul said, “The law is holy, and the commandment holy, and righteous, and good.” and, “Every writing inspired by God is profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for instruction.” Therefore, we are to keep all of the commandments of the Old Testament (except those nullified by further revelation).

d. Don’t worry if a, b, and c directly contradict each other and you have just stated two completely contradictory thoughts. By this time, your opponent should be worn down sufficiently that you can claim victory “in the name of Jesus.”

[zbdent]

1. #2 needs "some say" ...