Actual verses from the "Conservative Bible" worse than our satire

[Ian David]

Thursday, Oct. 8, 2009 10:45 EDT
Actual verses from the "Conservative Bible"

When we came up with some satirical contributions to Conservapedia's "Conservative Bible Project" earlier this week, we went deliberately over the top.

Sure, Andy Schlafly and his compatriots went pretty far out there in coming up with the idea to produce a more conservative version of the Bible, one free of the liberal bias they see in contemporary translations. But we didn't think they'd go anywhere as far as we did with things like our "conservative" version of Matthew 5:21-22, "You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, so git 'er done."

Well, they sure showed us.

Some of Conservapedia's denizens, apparently including Schlafly, have been working on a new version of the Gospel of Mark. That has involved, at times, trying to come up with more modern terms for the Pharisees, a group of Jews who are often seen in the New Testament as Jesus' antagonists. There's been a bit of debate about what to call them -- one contributor used "intellectuals," for instance, while another said, "In an effort to capture the flavor for conservatives, I suggest changing Pharisees to 'the Self-Proclaimed Elite' or maybe just 'the Elite.' Given modern culture, I think this is more accessible and has a less benign/neutral connotation than 'intellectuals.'"

Another contributor had a better term: "Liberals." That's led to verses like this one, for now Conservapedia's version of Mark 3:6:

The Liberals then fled from the scene to plot with Herod's people against Jesus, and plan how they might destroy him.


More:
http://www.salon.com/politics/war_room/2009/10/08/conservative_bible/index.html?source=rss&aim=/politics/war_room


See also:

Pharisees
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The word Pharisees (lat. pharisæ|us, -i) comes from the Hebrew פרושים perushim from פרוש parush, meaning "set apart" <1>. The Pharisees were, depending on the time, a political party, a social movement, and a school of thought among Jews that flourished during the Second Temple Era (536 BCE–70 CE). After the destruction of the Second Temple, the Pharisaic sect was re-established as Rabbinic Judaism — which ultimately produced normative, traditional Judaism, the basis for all contemporary forms of Judaism, with the exception of the Karaites.

<snip>

An important binary in the New Testament is the opposition between law and love. Accordingly, the New Testament presents the Pharisees as obsessed with man-made rules (especially concerning purity) whereas Jesus is more concerned with God’s love; the Pharisees scorn sinners whereas Jesus seeks them out. Because of the New Testament's frequent depictions of Pharisees as self-righteous rule-followers (see also Woes of the Pharisees), the word "pharisee" (and its derivatives: "pharisaical", etc.) has come into semi-common usage in English to describe a hypocritical and arrogant person who places the letter of the law above its spirit. Jews today who subscribe to Pharisaic Judaism typically find this insulting and some consider the use of the word to be anti-Semitic.<17>

More:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pharisees

[BlueJazz]

1. If Thy find Repugs dumber than thy box of rocks thee shall Smite them in order to...

...bless the Lord of IQ. Amen

[roguevalley]

40. amazing the blasphemy. heretics. pharisees liberals? awesome

how stupid and unafraid of God they are.

[madrchsod]

2. once again the fundimentalists prove just how fucking stupid they are

jesus better save himself.....

[icnorth]

3. Don't know why they need a different name

for the Pharisees; didn't "W" just call them his base?

[d_b]

4. holy hell that's a great shop

:rofl:

[AlinPA]

5. The conservatives and republicans have gone completely crazy. nt

[Divine Discontent]

13. I concur! God help them, for our nation's sake. They're bordering on dangerous...

[The_Commonist]

21. Bordering?

That's awfully generous of you...

[Divine Discontent]

39. I'm too generous, I know. I don't want to group them all as criminal, but several thousand of them

have assaulted, screamed, torn up signs, bullied, and made threats against our leaders. I don't want to say they're ALL that way, but man, if you can't even call them out, as only a few GOP leaders have, then you're a part of them willingly, huh?!

[Ian David]

25. I'd say they've been beyond "bordering" on dangerous for a while

[Joe Fields]

6. I'm not sure that people realize just how dangerous this is.

We may get a chuckle or two from this now, but can you imagine an entire generation, in a few short years being brought up with this conservative bible? I shudder to think of the ramifications.

[alfredo]

9. The page of the project is gone.

[Joe Fields]

10. I'm not sure exactly what that means. Gone underground, maybe?

Until it's finished?

[alfredo]

14. Or the person with the site just got the bill, and shut it down.

[troubledamerican]

33. "The Jews killed Jesus" was a talking-point of the much-ridiculed Nazis.

Point & laugh while you can, DU dumbasses. Neocons have just substituted "Liberals" for "Jews" and the smarter-than-thou DUers here are wearing a self-satisfied smirk that I remember from the likes of George W. Bush's malevolent face back in 2000. DUers were snarky then, too.

[nadinbrzezinski]

35. You mean a new generation of Joshuahs? They ahve been at this

for the last thirty years, this is just the next step

[SoCalNative]

7. How is it that these hooligans

can't understand that Jesus was a "librul?"

[dixiegrrrrl]

8. They honestly see no grandiosity about "re-writing the bible"?

Hubris is a foreign word to them?
A bunch of Right Wing nutcakes thinks they can just up and re-write the bible???

[nebenaube]

27. I'm sure it's been done a million times... n/t

[Marr]

31. Of course. See-- Conservatism is built on the Bible.

Since the two don't actually seem to match up very well, it must be the fault of liberals.

[Caliman73]

11. What I find ironic....

Most of these fundamentalists believe that the Bible is the inerrant "word of God". They are evangelical Protestant Christians who rail against more moderate groups and Catholics because they dare to interpret the "word". So now these idiots somehow think that it is acceptable to interpret, because they are not translating, they are interpreting meaning, the words they claim are inerrant? I know that righties are not the smartest people in the world. They have a hard time with spelling and such, but do they not understand the concept of hypocrisy?

[dembotoz]

24. pastors who use the new version should be ridiculed

as a heretic.
can we cast them into a fiery pit or anything????

inerrant "word of God" could set us free.

[patrice]

28. Do they not understand the concept of blasphemy? Assuming that their own comprehension = God's

There is a reason that the 1st Commandment IS the first Commandment: "I am the Lord thy God; thou shalt not have strange gods before me" and THAT includes worshiping your own mind's apprehension of "God".

[Seldona]

12. How do they justify rewriting the 'Word Of God?'

Are they claiming to be divinely inspired? I don't get how the majority of christians aren't up in arms over this. I thought the word of god was sacrosanct? Unless the majority of christians are for the new 'translation?'

This seems like a manual for indoctrination of children. I want to know how they can still get away with tax exempt status? They are literally using 'liberals' as villains in this new version. If that isn't political, what is?

[patrice]

29. Personally, I cannot understand how it isn't political for groups that WOULD NOT EXIST WITHOUT TAX

EXEMPTION to say anything about issues that involve taxes.

[Jester Messiah]

32. "Divine inspiration" would be my guess.

Here's hoping this cult gets forcefully stamped out before they get a chance to do something crazy.

[RagAss]

15. The King Moran Version.

Fucktards !

[Engineer4Obama]

16. Was Colbert written into it?

He asked his listeners to write him into the bible since conservapedia is a user maintained site.

[WorseBeforeBetter]

38. "Special message to the Colbert show watchers"

"Special message to the Colbert show watchers: do yourselves a favor and watch less television. Colbert and his advertisers want to make money off you, but you can accomplish some good instead by unplugging the TV. You could even pick up a Bible."

http://conservapedia.com/Main_Page

Damn, it's locked:

http://conservapedia.com/Talk:Bible

[TrogL]

17. I know some people have it in for the Liberal Party of Canada but this is ridiculous

[OHdem10]

18. Fascism will come to America wrapped in a Flag and bearing a Cross.

[RyboSlybo]

19. Well I find this all very sad... disturbing as well...

I wouldn't put it past them though and I would know being a preachers son...

Jesus wouldn't approve...

[katanalori]

20. they will be plagued if they "re-write" - PLAGUED I tell ya!

Revelation Chapter 22: 18, 19. (At the very bottom of the last page in the whole Book of Life.)

18. "If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book.

19. "And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophesy, God shall take away his part out of the book of Life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book." (King James version.)

[Kievan Rus]

22. How will they get around Matthew 25:40 and James 5:1-6?

Or will they just omit those passages altogether. Even the son of the Female Male Supremacist isn't that slick.

[muriel_volestrangler]

26. Doing my best impersonation of a wingnut:

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

becomes

"The Selected President will reply 'I'm the Decider; you're either with me, or against me and the teabaggers too'"

and

Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming upon you. Your wealth has rotted, and moths have eaten your clothes. Your gold and silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh like fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days. Look! The wages you failed to pay the workmen who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty. You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter. You have condemned and murdered innocent men, who were not opposing you.

becomes

You guys are my base - the haves, and the have-mores. I'm glad to see you've been doing everything right, and having a great time. Obviously God must have wanted you to have all that, or it wouldn't have happened, huh? Just watch out for them socialeest types, and you can stay on the gravy train for life.

[guitar man]

23. Are they going to credit Al Franken?

<edit typo>

I mean, he did a bunch of advance work on this thing for them :rofl:



http://www.buzzflash.com/contributors/03/09/17_franken.html

[Soylent Brice]

30. K&R

[nadinbrzezinski]

34. This is about dominion over the land and it is not funny

you folks may find it hysterically funny, but it is very dangerous.

But that is why I don't laugh about this...

It also looks like they are getting ready to create a whole new religion... or section of Christianity, and given that forced conversions and plenty of spilling of blood has marked the history of the faith for the least 2000 years, keep laughing.

[DCKit]

36. Thanks for this. I figured it was just a matter of time.

Those that I know couldn't be any less aware of the teachings of Jesus if they'd grown up Orthodox Jewish - in 200 B.C..

My main point of confusion is what they might call the new religion once they've completely obliterated the teachings of Christ.

[Rex]

37. So the Liberals conspired against Jesus?

:rofl: This will be EPIC! :rofl:

[Hekate]

41. Christ on a Trailer Hitch, please tell me this is a joke

:wow:

[Ian David]

42. Nope. They're serious. n/t