The lighter side! come & post a joke to help us all chill out!

[FirstLight]

I just got this one today:
A bus load of politicians were driving down a Texas country road # R 44 when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
~~~~

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'Were they all dead?'

The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how they lie.'


*rimshot!*

[NanceGreggs]

1. An oldie, but ...

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Okay. I wish you would build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can ride there anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do to it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, "Do you want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

[lame54]

19. a reply by NanceGreggs...

guarantees that this thread won't get sent to the lounge

[BuddyBoy]

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

[bluescribbler]

3. My brother sent me this one.

The U.S. General, newly arrived in Iraq, was touring the various bases which had been established by "the Coalition of the Willing". One particular place he wished to visit was a hospital which had been set up by a Scottish medical regiment. He had heard of the wonderful things they were doing, and wanted to see for himself, in hopes that he might be able to duplicate their successes.

On his tour of the hospital, he entered one ward with a young doctor at his side. He approached one soldier in bed, and asked, "How are they treating you, soldier?"

The soldier replied,

"Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftan o' the pudding race!
Aboon them a' ye take your place, pinch, tripe or thairn
Weel are ye wordy of a grace as lang's my arm"

The general was a bit surprised at this, and moved on to the next bed.

"And how are you, soldier?"

"Ha! Where ye gaun, ye crowlin ferlie,
Your impudence protects you sairly;
I canna say but ye strut rarely Owre gauze and lace;
Tho' faith I think ye dine but sparely On sic a place."

Now the general was nonplussed, but, wishing to appear unfazed, he bade the soldier farewell and moved on to the next bed.

"And you, soldier, are you getting enough to eat?"

"O THOU! Whatever title suit thee,
Auld Hornie, Satan, Nick or Clootie,
Wha in you cavern grim an' sootie, Clos'd under hatches,
Spairges about the brunstane cootie, To Scaud poor wretches."

By now, the general is beside himself in confusion. Turning to the doctor beside him he asks, "Is this the psycho ward?"

"No, General", the doctor replies, "This is the Serious Burns Unit."

[Bertha Venation]

9. BOOOO!

:rofl:

[bluescribbler]

12. Thank you

Glad someone appreciates Scottish poetry.

[reflection]

14. That's actually a GREAT joke.

I doubt I could remember it well enough to tell it though.

[blondeatlast]

28. HAH! Love it. nt

[AngryAmish]

38. If I were near yu I'd kick you in the shins

[Bonhomme Richard]

4. This guy goes into the dentist office for root canal work.

He gets into the chair and the dentist says that he wants to give him some Novacane. The guy says "Listen Doc. I have felt real pain twice in my life and you can't come close to that." The Dentist says "This is really going to hurt so I suggest..." The guy says "Forget about it Doc. Just do what you have to do. The Doctor says "OK but I have to ask about when you first felt real pain."
The guy says "Well, the first time was when I was driving at night in the backwoods of Vermont and I had to go to the bathroom real bad. So I pulled over, got out of the car, walked into the woods, dropped my pants, crouched down to let one go and Damn if it didn't set off a bear trap between my legs. It got my privates real good Doc. That was the first time I felt real pain."
The Doctor said "I have to ask. When was the second time you felt pain?"
He said, "Doc, when the chain ran out."

[tjwash]

5. Shrub and Bill Clinton are finishing up a round of golf...

...after the round, shrub notices in the locker room, that Bill-o is rather more *eham* endowed in certain areas than he is. He asks Bubba..."Damn hoss...you look like a five-legged Clydesdale. How the hell did you ever manage that?"

Bill just chuckles, and says, well...just before I have sex, I always give it three good whacks on the side like so **slap**, **slap, **slap**. Never fails, and as you can see, the results speak for themselves.

Later that night, the chimp is at home with Laura, and feeling rather amorous. Shrub is in the bathroom, and thinks "Awww hell, I might as well give that little trick of Bubba's a shot." Shrub whips it out and **slap**, **slap, **slap**.

All of a sudden from the other room, he hears Laura's voice.."Bill? Is that you in there?"

[psychopomp]

13. :D

Good one :thumbsup:

[Bluzmann57]

6. Three guys on a plane

A right wing moron, an elderly priest and a hippie. The pilot came on the intercom and announced, "Gentlemen, the engines have failed on our plane and I'm bailing out. Unfortunately, there are only two parachutes back there so you will have to decide among yourselves who gets them. Goodbye and good luck."
The RWer grabbed a bundle and said, "Father, you should save yourself. This asshole isn't worth the breath he is drawing. Screw him.", and out he went. The priest then turned to the young hippie and said, "My son, I have lived a long and productive life. You go ahead and take the other parachute. You are young and have your entire life in front of you." The hippie replied, "No father, we can both have a chute. That asshole just grabbed my backpack."

[Name removed]

7. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[maxrandb]

8. A classic Rush joke, and one for the military

Rush Limbaugh dies and is promptly escorted to hell to meet the devil. The devil tells Rush that since he was such an evil bastard while on earth, Rush will be able to personally choose how he spends eternity in hell. The devil begins a tour of the facilities.

The devil takes Rush to a room called the “False Prophets Room”. In this room Rush sees Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and hundreds of other prominent Republican contributors and politicians. Roman guards beat the crap out of them, and then they are crucified. After three hours of agony, they are taken down and the beatings and crucifixions commence again…for all eternity.

Rush tells the devil; “I don’t want to spend eternity in the False Prophets Room.

Then the devil takes Rush to the “Hypocrites Room”. Rush sees thousands of prominent Republicans in the room. Rabid dogs chase them and slowly rip the flesh from their bones. Each wound heals, only to be ripped open again…for all eternity.

Rush tells the devil; “I don’t want to spend eternity in the Hypocrites Room, but please tell me Dark Lord…Aren’t there any Democrats in hell?

The Devil says; “yes, there is one Democrat, but to see him, we must go to the Sex Room”.

The devil takes Rush to a beautiful room. There are tables overflowing with fine wine, cigars and delicious food. In the center of the room, Bill Clinton is lying on a heart shaped bed while a gorgeous woman performs felatio on him.

Rush looks at the devil and exclaims; “I have made my choice. I will spend eternity in the Sex Room”.

The devil smiles, turns to the couple on the bed and says;

“Monica, you’re relieved”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And one only military members will get.

A young Navy Ensign reports to his first ship. He meets a crusty old Master Chief.

The Ensign asks; “Master Chief, we learned a lot about the ranks in the navy, but they never really explained the collar devices.

The Master Chief says; “Son, that’s easy. When you’re an ensign, we give you a single gold-bar. This signifies that your are precious to us, like gold, but gold is a soft metal that can easily be molded. When you make Lieutenant Junior Grade, we give you a single silver bar. Silver is still a precious metal, but it’s a little more solid. When you make Lieutenant, we give you a second silver bar and add a backbone.

Then there is the silver eagle for the Captain. Soaring above us, the eagle represents our nation and is a symbol of power, courage and grace. When you make Admiral, we give you a star – the brightest light in the heavens, and a point we look to for leadership and direction.”

The Ensign thinks for a minute and says; “But Master Chief, what about the Silver and Gold Oak Leaves”?

The Master Chief replies; “Those symbols go back to the very beginning of time. God was in the Garden of Eden and he came to Adam and said; ‘Adam, take these two leaves. For all eternity, you will use these to cover your pricks and assholes!!’”

[maxrandb]

10. One more, then I've got to go

A man is having a drink at the bar on the 10Th floor of the Hotel. A man rushes in, orders a beer, goes to the window and jumps out.

A short while later, the same man comes back in the bar, orders another beer, drinks it and again, jumps out the 10TH story window.

A few minutes later, the same man comes back to the bar and orders a beer. The man at the bar says to the jumper; "excuse me, but how are you able to jump out the window and make it back here"?

The jumper says; "it's because of the carbonation of the beer and the fact that warm air rises. I simply drink the beer, take a deep breath, hold it, and I gently float to the sidewalk below".

The man decides that he has to try, so he drinks his beer, takes a deep breath, goes to the window and jumps out. All you hear is "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, followed by a sickening SPLAT!"

The bartender comes over to the jumper and says; "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drinking".

[reflection]

11. Piece of string walks into a bar

and says "gimme a shot of whiskey"

Bartender says "we don't serve string. Get outta here."

String goes and sits down on the curb and begins to cry.

Guy walks by and says "what's the matter, string?"

String says "All I wanted was a drink and they won't serve me because I'm a string"

The guy says "I'll fix that." He picks up the string, ties him in a knot, pulls out a pocketknife and frays him at both ends.

The string goes back in the bar and says "gimme a shot of whiskey"

The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that same string I just threw out of here?"

The string says "no, I'm a frayed knot"

ba-dum-ching

[blondeatlast]

29. That was punny! nt

[psychopomp]

15. Ahem

Good:
A mathematician is interviewing for a prestigious job. To make sure he has the right morals, the interviewer gives him the following situation:

"You're late for a meeting, when you come across a burning house, a fire hydrant, and a fire hose lying across the street. What do you do?"

The mathematician responds:

"People's lives are more important than the meeting. I screw the fire hose into the hydrant and put out the fire before coming to the office."

The interviewer is impressed, but asks him a follow-up question just to make sure:

"You're late for a meeting when you pass a fire hose connected to a hydrant, next to a perfectly safe house. What do you do?"

The mathematician thinks for a moment, then replies:

"I unscrew the fire hose, carry it across the street, and set the house on fire. Then I've reduced it to a problem I've already solved."


Bad:
Two guys are walking down the street when they see this dog licking his balls. One guy turns to the other and says "Man, I wish I could do that!" and the second guy says, "Maybe you should pet him first."

Ugly:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[psychopomp]

18. A bit dated, a joke about *bush

While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they’re intelligent. “I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Kalam. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, “Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Manmohan immediately responds, “It’s me, Sir!”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says Kalam.

He hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”

Bush nods: “Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he’d better put the Condoleezza Rice to the test.

Bush summons her to the White House and says, “Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”

“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”

Bush poses the question: “Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?” Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.

Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally,in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem. “Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course.”

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s our Colin Powell!”

And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, its Manmohan Singh!”

[blondeatlast]

30. Should I be ashamed that I'm giggling at #3?! LOL! nt

[jhain]

16. A skeleton walks into a bar,

says, "give me beer ... and a mop."

[jhain]

17. Can't Resist

[lillypaddle]

20. Know the difference

between a tire and 500 used condoms? A good year and a great year! <groan>

[SIMPLYB1980]

21. Bush and Groundhog Day

This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day. As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition of events: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog."

[abumbyanyothername]

22. Multi-cultural

A priest, a rabbi and a mullah walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

[psychopomp]

26. .

A priest, a monk, and a rabbi walk into a bar. They all sit down and each order a martini. They get to talking about the deep stuff, religion, philosophy, you know, the meaning of it all. Three hours later they leave with a feeling of enlightenment and a respect for one another that will last a lifetime.

[abumbyanyothername]

23. Enron

Three accountants apply for a job at Enron. It comes down to one final quesiton.

To the first candidate: "How much is 2 + 2?" and the answer comes, "5." "We're sorry sir, you're not the right person for this job."

To the second candidate: "How much is 2 + 2?" and the answer comes, "4." "Very good. We'll hold your application but we want to speak with the final candidate, just in case."

To the third candidate: "How much is 2 + 2?" and the answer comes, "How much would you like it be?"

[flyarm]

24. there was a president who said he was going to give us health care reform...

instead he gave insurance companies reform to screw us even more royally..

the joke is on all of us!!

[SIMPLYB1980]

25. Optimist vs. Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was
their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it
was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed
the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one
was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their
father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and
game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found
him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these
instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll
constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get
broken," answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing
for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he
asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in
here somewhere!"

[Christa]

27. My contribution

An old man goes into a Chemist to buy some Viagra.

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist 'but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection'

'I'm 96' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'

[A HERETIC I AM]

41. An old woman living in a nursing home becomes bored with her daily routine.

So one morning she decides to do something different. She showers but instead of getting dressed, she puts her nightgown on and walks down the corridor. She opens the door of old man Johnson who is just brushing his teeth.

She flings open her nightie and yells "SUPER PUSSY!"

No reaction.

She closes her nightie and goes to the next room. Same thing.

"SUPER PUSSY!"

No reaction.

She walks down to old Hyman Fineman's room to find Hyman reading the morning paper.

She flings open her nightie and yells "SUPER PUSSY!"

Hyman looks over the paper and over his bifocals and deadpans......

"I'll have the soup."

[guitar man]

31. Ok, an oldie but goodie

Farmer Tom was driving down the road when he passed by Farmer Bob's place and noticed a line of people stretching from Bob's barn all the way out to the road. So he turned around and drove back to see what all the fuss was about.

"Hi, Bob, what's going on? asked Tom
"Hi Tom, I've offered $500 for the first person that can make my old mule laugh"

Well, Tom wants in on the action, so he gets in line and waits while people make funny faces, tell the mule their best jokes and do goofy dances and tricks, anything to make the mule laugh. The mule is unfazed. Then it's Tom's turn. He leans in close and whispers something into the mule's ear and the mule falls on the ground, rolling and laughing hysterically. Bob pays up the $500 and Tom is on his way.

About a week later, Tom is driving past Farmer Bob's place again and, same thing, people lined up outside the barn. Again, Tom stops to investigate.

"Hi Bob, what's going on today?"
"Hi Tom, this time I'm offering $500 for the first person that can make my mule cry"

So Tom gets in line and waits his turn while people try to make the mule cry....again, the mule is unfazed.Then it's Tom's turn. He leads the mule behind the barn and comes back a minute later and the mule is bawling like a baby.

Farmer Bob is amazed. "Ok Tom, I'm gonna pay you again, but first you have to tell me, how did you make the mule laugh?"

Tom says "I told him my dick was bigger than his"

Bob says "Yeah, that's a good one, I can see where that would break him up, now tell me, how did you make him cry?"

To which Tom replies "I showed him"

:evilgrin:

[blondeatlast]

32. AHEM...

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the George Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
SOMEBODY had to do it, may as well be me. :evilgrin:

[RandomKoolzip]

33. What did the hatrack say to the hat?

"I'll stay here - you go on ahead."

[guitar man]

35. lol

I love it! :rofl:

[nolabear]

34. Descartes walks into a bar

The bartender says "The usual?"

Descartes replies "I think not," and disappears.

(Older that the Robbie Burns joke!)

[blondeatlast]

36. The only "dirty" joke I know, but it's funny.

Guy walks into a bar, sits down, orders two beers and one glass. Bartender delivers. Guy drinks some of his beer, then cups pours the other through hos own cupped hand. Miffed bartender cleans it up, offers quizzically dirty look. Guy finishes beer.

Guy orders two more beers; drinks his down, again pours the other through his cupped hand. Bartender cleans it up, intensifies dirty look.

Guy orders two more beers. Bartender says, "Wait a minute, buddy. No way am i giving you an extra beer that I have to mop up; besides, I hate to see a good beer wasted."

Guy says to bartender, "I'm sorry, bartender; I'm just trying to get my date drunk..." Ba-boom, ching!

[abumbyanyothername]

37. Money Changers

I was working the money exchange booth here in Santa Monica one day and an elderly Japanese man came to exchange some yen. He asked what how many yen to the dollar and I told him 106.

The next day he came in to change some more and asked again how many yen to the dollar and I told him 106.

The third day he came in to change some more and asked again how many yen to the dollar and I told him 108. He said he had been in here yesterday and it was 106 and he had been in here the day before and it was 106 and now I am telling him 108. What gives?

"Fluctuation," I said.

His face stared to get red. He was really steaming. And then he said . . . .





"Fuck you white people too" and stormed out.

[Milspec]

40. Ba Da Boom

[FirstLight]

39. THANKS - you guys rock!

I've been so depresed and just sick watching the news or even reading the headlines here over the past week..

I really needed this! It's nice to laugh here at DU once in a while!

:rofl:


(psst...love the 'getting the date drunk' one! )

[madinmaryland]

42. An oldie, but goodie...

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

:evilgrin:

[Warren DeMontague]

43. Here you go:

http://www.rawilson.com/jokes.html

Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

[HamdenRice]

44. An old South African joke (Sorry my American jokes are just too dirty to post)

Even this one is a bit naughty.

It's about the infamous resort, "Sun City" that was in the Bantustaan of Bophutatswana, one of the crazy mini states that only South Africa recognized. You may recall the 80s anti-apartheid fundraising song, "Ain't Gonna Play Sun City," by many great American and British artists, from Bruce Springstein to Miles Davis, Ruben Blades, Bob Dylan, Herbie Hancock, Lou Reed, Run DMC, and Keith Richards.

So here's the joke.

A (white) guy takes a break from the casino in Sun City and goes into the mens' room to take a leak. He's shocked that there is a black Casino worker taking a leak (because Sun City was desegregated and SA wasn't). The white guy pulls it out. The black guy looks over and is amazed that the white guy has a tatoo on his baby maker that says, "WENDY."

"Hey, man," the black guy says, "You have a tatoo down there that says Wendy!"

"Ag, man, that's my girlfriend's name."

The black guy takes his out. The white guy sees that the black guy also has a tatoo on his baby maker, and is shocked that it says, "WENDY"!

"Ag, man -- do you also have a girlfriend named Wendy?" the white guy asks.

"Nie, man. It only looks like that, but when I get happy, it says, "WElcome to SuN City, Bophutatswana and have a nice DaY!"