What is the Difference between Assertive and Aggressive?

[omega minimo]

assertive  
adjective
describes someone who behaves confidently and is not frightened to say what they want or believe:
If you really want the promotion, you'll have to be more assertive.

assertively
adverb
Prince Charles condemned the assertively modernist style of architecture.

assertiveness
noun

assertion
noun
a statement that you strongly believe is true:
I certainly don't agree with his assertion that men are better drivers than women.


Everyone sees things differently.


You are assertive, not afraid to express what you want or believe.


You make an assertion about something you believe is true.




aggression
noun
1 spoken or physical behaviour which is threatening or involves harm to someone or something:
Some types of dog are bred for aggression.
an act of aggression

2 forceful playing in sport that is intended to win points

aggressive
adjective
1 behaving in an angry and violent way towards another person:
Men tend to be more aggressive than women.
If I criticize him, he gets aggressive and starts shouting.

2 determined to win or succeed and using forceful action to achieve victory or success:
an aggressive election campaign
aggressive marketing tactics
Both players both won their first-round matches in aggressive style.

aggressively
adverb
Small children often behave aggressively.
The company is aggressively (= with determination) pursuing new business opportunities.
They played more aggressively (= forcefully) in the second half.

aggressor
noun
a person or country that starts an argument, fight or war by attacking first



The assertive approach is much more constructive than the aggressive, which is destructive.


If babies and gorillas and giraffes and kittens and ducklings can tell the difference between assertive and aggressive, maybe so can we.
*****************************************************************************************************************************
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/define.asp?key=4395&dict=CALD
http://www.cbc.ca/news/background/babysign/
http://people.howstuffworks.com/sign-language.htm/printable

[Hekate]

1. I was going to say that it depends on whether the person is male or female...

... because men are perceived as assertive (positive) and women are perceived as aggressive (negative) for doing/saying the exact same thing.

But your LOLcats and babies distracted me from that Gloria Steinem-ish observation. :hi: I think your post is nice.

Hekate

[omega minimo]

2. The babies are signing!

And I have no idea what that kitty thinks is so funny :toast: :spray:

Actually, you hit on a key point. Sometimes here one can get a reaction from making an ASSERTION -- when an assertion is simply that. Not a be all and end all. Has assertiveness gone out of style? :think: Is it perceived as AGGRESSION :wow:

[Tangerine LaBamba]

3. Assertiveness has not gone out of style,

but people's vocabularies are so stilted and limited, they know only the word "aggressive," and that is what they use. They're usually too stupid to know that the word is incorrect.

Assertive takes no shit, no prisoners, and is strong and charming about it. Assertive would like to win, but will not compromise the process in order to do so. Assertive is powerful.

Aggressive is obnoxious and will do anything to make the point. Winning is all that matters, but the reality is that aggressive operates out of a self-perceived position of weakness.

Anyone can be aggressive, but it takes smarts and style to be assertive.................................

[omega minimo]

4. You would know!

Well put! Your hemisphere's fire together purty good. :toast:

:yourock:

[Ken Burch]

5. There used to be something called "assertiveness training"

And I think the idea, as they expressed it, was that assertiveness was distinguished from aggressiveness by not being unfair or disrespectful of others.

[omega minimo]

6. Indeed there was.

"...assertiveness was distinguished from aggressiveness by not being unfair or disrespectful of others."

And it's a fine thing to do. :thumbsup:

Did you take any or know someone who did?

[Ken Burch]

8. I took it.

n/t.

[havocmom]

10. Took that training years (decades) ago. Was amazed how many were there under court order

Seems a couple smart judges in the area figured a bit of training might keep some people from becoming repeat performers in their courts if they got some help. They were pretty abusive to the rest of the class at first, but most did learn the art of modulating response to stimulus.

It was as enlightening as the training was. Given a different set of rules/ different environment, some people can learn and change.

[boppers]

7. DBAA

Pretty simple really.

Don't Be An Asshole.

Quibbling over whether or not one is being an asshole, or something else, is a pretty good sign... that one is an asshole.

Related is "DBAD", Don't Be A Dick, a more gender-specific term, but it's much the same.

[omega minimo]

21. good advice

[safeinOhio]

9. My boss was aggresive last week in the way

he cussed me out. I was assertive when I told him I quit. True story. Cost me all of the money I had made to catch a plane home. Left him holding the bag on a job.

[omega minimo]

15. Bravo

:applause: I hope you write a song about it and make a brazillion dollars. :thumbsup:

[Captain Hilts]

11. Men are assertive. Women are aggressive. Being ambitious is okay for men, but not for women. nt

[omega minimo]

14. Apparently that applies to being

expressive, too. Is being expressive, ambitious?

I'd like to have assertiveness training for all the women who talk in that gargly, strangulated voice now so trendy. Yuck.

[Captain Hilts]

12. Wow. Someone UNrecommended this thread. You touched a nerve. nt

[omega minimo]

16. or

the Third Rail. :shrug:

[lunatica]

13. Assertive is knowing the facts and sticking to them in spite of

the aggressive making shit up and bullying everyone to accept his opinion.

Example, on the last Bill Maher show Jeremy Scahill was assertive in his arguments while Chuck Todd was Aggressive in his regarding what a journalist's job is.

[omega minimo]

17. Well asserted, lunatica

:toast:

[dembotoz]

18. assertive-you are the giver, aggressive - you are the receiver

I am NOT being aggressive i am just being assertive....

[omega minimo]

19. Interesting

assertive  
adjective
describes someone who behaves confidently and is not frightened to say what they want or believe:


aggressive
adjective
1 behaving in an angry and violent way towards another person:




Why would someone be "frightened" to say what they want or believe?

Why would "confidently" saying what they want of believe, be regarded as "behaving in an angry and violent way"?

Why would being assertive be met with "spoken or physical behaviour which is threatening or involves harm to someone or something"?

[dembotoz]

22. my point is that it is all determined by how the act is percieved.

what would be considered assertive behavior by you could easily be considered as agressive by someone else.

case in point

my 17 year old and his mother argue a fair amount of the time.
He feels he is asserting himself and trying to make a point.
She does not like that he is standing up and complains he is being
agressive.
same conversation two very different perceptions of what is going on.

who is right????
They both are from time to time.

his confident nature is viewed as confrontational.
her wish to maintain authority is viewed as controlling....

It is like Chili
sometimes very mild, sometimes very hot....

[omega minimo]

23. does a teenage boy with his mom know how to be assertive without being aggressive?

:shrug: The magic word seems to be "confidence." Works better when one or both have some. :thumbsup:

[dembotoz]

24. part of growing up is becoming independent.

while neither is blameless, I would not anticipate a shortage of confidence on either side.

when assertive stands up against assertive, aggressive may not be far behind.

it is a shading of degrees.

perhaps

assertive + resistance can = aggressive

[omega minimo]

25. He's being aggressive.

He could maybe use some help learning to be assertive without being aggressive. That would help her also.

Not easy to do in those teen years. But if anyone is available who knows how to be assertive without being aggressive, it's worth a try.

Confidence, not anger. Would save the boy a lot of time.


Oh and it's male/female too, as others have pointed out, in this dynamic. And the authority thing.

Wonder what she means by "aggressive......."

[omega minimo]

20. Assertive is discussion. Aggressive is argument.

[Ron Green]

26. Assertive: Say "I" a lot. Aggressive: Say "you" a lot.

Not the whole story, but it comes close.

[omega minimo]

27. So many wise posts here. Thank you for that gem.

:yourock:

[ddeclue]

28. It's all a matter of CONJUGATION...

one is ASSERTIVE in the first person and AGGRESSIVE in the third...

:rofl:

[omega minimo]

30. You can make an assertion but you can't make an aggression

[Iggo]

29. Assertive is standing your ground.

Agressive is taking someone else's.

[omega minimo]

31. Wow. Some wise DUers here.

:hi: by force, of course.

[WonderGrunion]

32. Assertive = Obama's "Yes We Can"

Aggressive = Cheney's "Go Fuck Yourself"

[omega minimo]

33. LOL. Love it.

:hi:

[proteus_lives]

34. Hmmm good question!

The same action could be assertive on person and aggressive on another.

There is a base-line though. A good leader or alpha can be assertive without being aggressive while a bad one relies on aggression because they can't be assertive.

It also comes down to communication because a person can be assertive with the best intention but still come off as aggressive if the other person is confused or doesn't know the person well.

[omega minimo]

35. Very insightful answers

:hi:

[peacebaby3]

36. In our society, one of the big differences is gender.

A woman speaking her mind is called aggressive, a man is merely assertive. The same is true with age -, a woman gets old, a man is distinguished.

[omega minimo]

37. Yup

:hi: Better to be called "assertive" than "a bitch."

This gargly, strangled voice thing that a lot of young women do now is the opposite of assertive -- it's choking on, strangling one's own voice. :scared: It sends the message "Don't worry guys, I'm not assertive."

I worked with one who did this and when she DID let her real self show, she went nuts and screamed and yelled and flipped out. :freak:

[omega minimo]

38. Assertive kick

for all the DUers who get attacked for calling out the bullshit artists for doing what they -- oh so aggressively -- do.