A question for heterosexual DU women

[Neecy]

Have you ever been called an anti-gay slur because someone assumed you were gay? Were you ever threatened with violence for the same reason? Is it common for you to have coffee with a female friend and have some cretin assume you were partners, and threaten you?

I've had a few people in the last couple of days insist that this is common for straight women - for example, if you turn a guy down, or a group of lowlifes sitting in a truck - but in my experience, none of my straight friends have ever been targeted for anti-gay slurs or violence.

I'm just curious here, because I didn't think it was all that common. But I'm told that it is...

On edit: thanks for the responses - this is pretty fascinating, not only from the POV of a gay woman but as a feminist as well. People who don't respect women to begin with must think the lesbian card is the biggest insult on the planet.

[HeresyLives]

1. Yes, quite common.

Even here in Canada.

If you turn a guy down...well it MUST be because you're gay. It couldn't possibly be because he's a jerk! ;)

Added on edit: It doesn't matter what you look like either, or if you're married with kids. In the bad old days of the 60s to the 80s I was often told I must be gay, because I took an interest in science and politics. Apparently 'real women' didn't do that.

:rofl:

[havocmom]

4. LOL

Oh, most of us have probably been THERE.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

22. Take a number -

the fragile little egos of some males just make some of us "must be dykes" just want to make love to them until they're dehydrated.

Right, ladies?

[havocmom]

29. remind me to tell you about wayward's days of going to gay clubs to dance un-harassed

Dancing being her 'drug of choice' for mood elevation, she had a couple of gay guy friends who guaranteed she could dance in peace at 'this club'.

what a hoot.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

34. That's what I used to do!

My gay buddies - I was Queen Of The Fag Hags with those guys - and I used to go to some fabulous clubs in SW DC - they're all gone now, alas - the clubs and the guys.

I had the most wonderful times, just partied and whooped and enjoyed myself. And I've never felt so protected.

One evening, taking a break, sitting at a bar, a straight guy - yeah, there were some - starts hitting on me, but he was doing it because he thought I was a lesbian, and he was hoping to see some hot girl-on-girl action. He just needed to find two lesbians.

I told him that trying to find lesbians in a club that was all gay men wasn't a very good cover for him...............

[havocmom]

43. LOL You and Wayward should get together and tell tales

I am sure it would be very enlightening for me :rofl: She had one guy kept hitting on her and she finally told him she was gay and he should give up. The man's ego would not be contained. He told her HE was Hungarian and HE could 'cure' her.

She traveled with very handsome young men and was pretty well protected so she could just dance. She'd enjoy your stories and understand.

[Virginian]

114. The Pier 9?

I used to go there for the same reason. I wasn't in the mood for the Meet Markets of Georgetown, I just wanted to go out to some place with music and people without having some guy hitting on me. It was at the Pier that I first learned "The Hustle."
There was another place a block or two on the other side of S. Capitol Street. I can't remember the name.

[WorseBeforeBetter]

129. Tracks?

I think that's the name of the place I went to in the mid-'80s off of S. Capitol. Of course, when I wasn't getting in trouble at 19th & M...

[Tangerine LaBamba]

134. Remember Annie's Paramount Steak House?

At Dupont Circle?

I loved that place, too. Man, the hangovers we carried into that place on Sunday afternoons.

Now, I understand it's been quite gentrified and is even "kid-friendly."

Oh, well.....................................

[WorseBeforeBetter]

153. Oh, yeah. Just read some reviews on WaPo....

not favorable (about 1.5 stars). We usually headed to Bob & Edith's in the wee hours ... hope that place hasn't changed!

[Tangerine LaBamba]

161. Bob and Edith's is EXACTLY the same!

They opened another one, further west on Columbia Pike, closer to Bailey's Crossroads, and it's fun, the food is the same - the incredible pies! - but it's lacking the flavor of the original.

It's awful about Annie's, isn't it? I read those reviews, and the stuff about baby carriages just threw me.

Things have changed, my friend, and not for the better.

Did you see those prices?????

[WorseBeforeBetter]

164. Kewl!

"Goodbye to an era," by one of the Annie's reviewers, sums it up pretty well. I'll add Whitey's to that -- I loved the dumpy Whitey's. Same with the 9:30 Club. Hell, Chinatown!

Yeah, $$$$ for Annie's *ain't* gonna happen.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

168. WHITEY'S!!!

Their broasted chicken! I ate far more of that than is legal, I know. That stuff was so good and that place was so wonderful. Now, it's a nice family joint, or some such.

We had the best of it, my friend, and it'll never happen again......................

[Tangerine LaBamba]

132. I remember Pier 9!

I bet you're thinking of Tracks.

That was the one we went to most often. I loved the pretty boys dancing on the bar. One was so cute, he'd even swing it counter-clockwise just to make me laugh.

My pals had a big birthday brunch for me one year. In a private room. In the private room next door, a bunch of really tough ladies got into a big fight, and of course, we all went out to see what was happening.

Brass knuckles were what was happening.

Next thing I knew, I was standing there alone, and all my boy buddies had fled.

I got the hell out of there, too, immediately.

Sorry, but I can't remember the others. Damn. There were some great clubs. We danced, oh, how we danced, and the shows were great, the nights went on forever.

Sometimes it's just hard to have those memories........................

[Behind the Aegis]

137. You used to go to Tracks DC?!

I went there all the time when I came out at 19. I wasn't supposed to get in the club, but the owner thought I was cute, so let me in, but I wan't allowed to drink. That lasted one week, because he started buying me drinks!

[Tangerine LaBamba]

162. It was a wonderful place -

It really was the best, I think, of all the clubs.

Those were some great days................................

[Missy Vixen]

31. It's always the one we wouldn't touch

with someone else's equipment, too.

I love men. I love being around them. Luckily, most seem to enjoy my company as well. There's always that one guy though, and ladies, you've met him before. According to him, he's the best looking guy in the room, if not the state. Anyone less than Angelina Jolie or Scarlett Johannsen will not do. Any woman in his presence obviously becomes multiply orgasmic whenever he deigns to speak to her, and if she dares to even be polite, she WANTS HIM. Yup. Even if she's with her partner/boyfriend/husband at the time.

Of course, all women who turn him down must be gay. There's NO other acceptable explanation.

:rofl:

[Tangerine LaBamba]

38. Isn't it ironic, oh, she of the trampy name,

that the thing they call us is the very thing they'd give their last withered nut to witness?

Poor things. Inferior, rejected, and clueless - the sorry men's hat trick..............................................

[Hello_Kitty]

11. I sometimes wonder why some guys' heads don't explode from the contradictions within

They'll call you an "ugly man-hating dyke" if you reject their advances or stand up to them. I'm always like, if I were a lesbian why would you think I'd be concerned about you finding me attractive? Hell, I'm NOT a lesbian and I don't care if some jerk doesn't want me.

[varelse]

55. Oh god yes, been there many times

it couldn't ever be that you just don't find him attractive, aren't interested in sex at the time, or already have another interest. Nope, you are "gay" and in denial about it.

[Triana]

123. same here....took interest in science, politics, technology, aviation....

..."Real" women don't do that dontchaknow.

[havocmom]

2. My daughter does not look much like me. Yeah, there have been times....

I had a 'Thelma & Louise Live' bumper sticker on my old toyota years ago. More than a couple yahoos got plum nasty when my daughter and I went out for some 'girl time' together. A couple of times, I actually feared for her safety. Later, I realized I may have been at risk from ignorant hate filled yokels too, but a mother hen tends to fret about the chicks first, even when the 'chick' has grown into a beautiful swan.

[stanwyck]

157. OMG. I thought I was the only one!

My daughter doesn't look much like me either. Years ago, when she was around 15, we were at Blockbuster waiting in line to checkout. First, I was subjected to a couple of very middle-aged men making comments about her, either not knowing I was her mother. Or not caring. Very explicit comments. My daughter and I have always been affectionate (as all members of my family are), so at one point I put my arm around her and touched her hair. Very motherly, actually. That shut the middle-agers up and I didn't think anymore about it. UNTIL I went back to return my CDs. The guy at the counter, in a very nasty sneering voice asked "Where's you little friend?" I was slow to catch on. What? "Your little girlfriend from the other day?"
Oh, you mean my daughter.
He quickly changed his attitude and said "Oh, she's your DAUGHTER!. She's cute."

[fizzgig]

3. i was in high school

and i suffered relentless harassment, but the school administrators did nothing to stop it.

eta: the abuse came from other girls.

[CTyankee]

5. Not to me, but I am a good deal older. I am married, but my husband does not

enjoy wandering through museums and I have, later in life, discovered a deep joy in art. So I have a travel buddy, a woman in her fifties who is widowed. She loves art and we travel on art excursions to Europe. On one occasion I felt some members of our group were looking at us in a kind of funny way. But they were certainly not in any way threatening. But art people are pretty nice anyway so I wouldn't expect anything uncomfortable.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

6. I used to drive a Subaru...I must have been gay.

[JerseygirlCT]

16. LOL - me too (miss that car!)

A lesbian friend once told me the only thing wrong with me was I was straight. I took that as a big compliment, btw.

[Jazzgirl]

48. Deja vu JG!

I heard the same thing from a gay girlfriend many years ago. :-)

[boobooday]

26. Still have my Subaru.

Love it. But somebody did tell us once it was a "gay" car.

[ourbluenation]

90. my at the time teenaged son called ours a hippy lesbian car. his gay aunt,

her partner, and his mom (me) and dad never will let him live it down.

:rofl:

anyways - my sister is a fabulously dressed, attractive lesbian who gets the attention of men all the time. I look okay but I'm more down home, no makeup kind of gal and straight. People always think I'm the gay one and she's straight.

I don't give a shit.

[grace0418]

121. I drive a Subaru! And I'm not especially girly.

But I don't get homophobic slurs thrown at me too much. Then again, I live in an area with tons of GLBT folks so I don't think it happens much around here regardless.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

7. I've never had that happen...

But I don't go out much...

[Esurientes]

8. No ...

The only thing similar was when a coworker told me she thought women who don't wear jewelry and makeup are probably lesbians. (The remark came out of nowhere, and I don't wear those things due to allergies ...)

I did have a date back in the 70s ask if I were gay, but he asked nicely as if he honestly just wondered ... darn, that no-makeup-and-jewelry thing again. :sarcasm:

[amyrose2712]

9. Never experience that. Been called an

"ugly bitch" after turning a creep down, but never anything anti-gay.

[Lars39]

10. On looks alone, yes.

I was once yelled at by a group of guys at the park. My hair was growing back from chemo, so it was about 3/4" all over my head. I was wearing a black t-shirt. I guess I looked kinda butch to them.

[Jazzgirl]

50. I have been shaving my head for the last 14 years.

I have no intention of letting it grow out. I did let it grow momentarily a couple of years ago but couldn't stand it. I have had people ask me if I was gay because of it. In fact, a cousin of mine "assumed" I was gay because of it and because he never heard I had been married once. I don't even try to convince anyone one way or the other. I really don't give a shit what people think. I do know who I am and that is what's important.

[bliss_eternal]

105. Right on!

It's no one's business. Good for you! Love seeing people do whatever they want!

:yourock:

[Lars39]

115. It was the best haircut I ever had!

I can understand why you've kept it like that. :)
As soon as I understood why they were yelling, I felt outrage for "what if". What if I had been gay? Why the hell did they think it was ok to do such a thing? Just felt horrible thinking about the next person they were going to yell at. :(

[amyrose2712]

163. Cool.I love a chick with a shaved head.

[Liberal_in_LA]

12. Back in the early days of the internet..posting liberal views were met w/ "you must be a fat lesbian

It was a constant refrain. person 1 - "I voted for Clinton". Person 2 "ugly lesbo!" It was back in the day when Hillary Clinton was accused of having an affair with Janet Reno.

[QC]

46. With lots of cats. Don't forget the cats!

I'm not sure why they matter, but they must, because right wing assholes still accuse uppity women of having lots of cats.

[noamnety]

109. HAHAHA

the person who called me a dyke today followed that charming remark with saying the only thing I haven't done is turn into a cat lady!

I didn't realize that was an actual thing that was connected in their minds, like if we don't find men attractive it's because we are attracted to cats. :D

[QC]

118. It is best not to delve too deeply into the right wing mind,. n/t

[KansDem]

160. "It is best not to delve too deeply into the right wing mind"

:rofl:

Just how deeply could one delve? :hi:

[Liberal_in_LA]

140. Female + Liberal + cats = Lesbian

[A Brand New World]

13. I live in a small rural county in Ohio, mostly Republican, and this

has never happened to me and we're known huggers with our female friends and relatives. I live next door to a lesbian couple and used to work 15 years ago with a lesbian couple and nothing was mentioned or seen like that with them. I've never seen anyone harassed for anything supposedly gay or lesbian.

[JerseygirlCT]

14. Nope. Never happened to me. nt

[Gwendolyn]

15. Occasionally. If you turn certain guys down, they believe you MUST be gay.

But also, at the gym, especially if seen working out hard. It's often a fishing type of question, to avoid further investment in the come on if futile, I guess. Or, just an out-of-curiosity thing. Typical stereotyping. On a message board I used to frequent that had less female posters, those assertions flew anytime a woman got "uppity" in a discussion. But threats of violence, no. Not personally. Have never lived in yahoo country, tho.

[bliss_eternal]

32. retorts for "uppity" women on message boards...

"Why do you hate men?"
"You sound so shrill"
"Oh is that a Sarah Lawrence thing?"
"Feminism 101, right?"
"You just need to get some batteries for your vibrator, or a good lay."
"Castrator!"
"Do you trip over your pit hair when you walk?"
"B***h!"
"You don't like sex, do you?"
"So when's your girlfriend coming home?"

The one's I haven't seen personally addressed to me, I've seen tossed at others.
old hat, right?

[Gwendolyn]

53. Haha... yes, that's a pretty good list!

Then there's:

"Whatever you say, 'Rosie O'Donnell' :eyes: "
"So who wears the strap-on, you or your girlfriend."
"You must be either a communist, or a lesbian."

and many more. Most of the ladies just took it in stride, otherwise you wouldn't survive long. It was brutal.

[bliss_eternal]

70. I hear you....lol!

Sad how many I've experienced right here, on DU. :(

Strident, shrill and "man hater" come to mind. :spray: I take them as compliments, that I must be saying something incredibly woman positive (and ultimately threatening to the status quo) to get such comments. ;) Keep fighting the good fight! :hug::hi:

[Chulanowa]

103. Mmmmm. Communist lesbians.

Wait, sorry, sorry, I was just reading. Moving on!

[ezgoingrl]

17. I've never been called an anti-gay slur, but

once when my best friend and I were at a comedy club together, the comedian told a joke that had a lesbian angle and everyone in the entire club turned around and looked at us. It was not a good feeling to be singled out like that.

It was a valuable experience to get a taste of what it must feel like to be singled out constantly by most of society. In retrospect, I should've leaned in and planted a big, hairy wet kiss on my friend, THAT would have been sweet.

[bliss_eternal]

18. Yes.

At clubs when not allowing men to purchase drinks for me (or give them my phone number).
While walking alone in my former neighborhood, when I refused to get into the man's car.
After reporting a man for harrassing me on a public bus (to the driver who alerted an undercover officer).

I've seen this happen to other women too.

It's one of the reasons co-workers of mine used to "pretend" to be lesbians (after men expressed interest in them in). As they would then leave them alone. This was of course, in the days BEFORE straight women would "perform" for straight men by kissing their gf's. :eyes: (don't get me started on that...)

Once I was deemed "no longer attractive" for a period, it stopped.
Haven't dealt with it lately, but I'm usually wearing my wedding ring or with my mate.

Though I have been tempted to tell a few men,"...my eyes are up HERE!" after noticing them gazing at my ass or crotch. :puke:
The joy of wearing a smaller size than I used to. :eyes:

(sigh)

[cbayer]

19. Most definitely.

And if you are smart, self confident and in charge, this happens a lot.

I NEVER correct them.

:rofl:

[Ian David]

20. You tell them, "I'm bisexual and I'm not attracted to you."

I saw that on a button for sale from "The Button Lady" at a sci-fi convention.

Okay, so maybe you don't really tell them that.

But it's still a cool button, and I love The Button Lady.

[bliss_eternal]

37. These days....

...they'd ask to watch. Seriously.

[Ian David]

52. Which makes the revenge all the sweeter for you when you tell them, "No." n/t

[TorchTheWitch]

145. And they do... often

Because if a woman is having any kind of sex at all there are a shocking number of cretins out there that absolutely believe they should be included in some way.

[raccoon]

151. You got that right! nt

[Behind the Aegis]

138. Even better...just say you don't do pity sex and wiggle your pinkie at him.

:evilgrin:

[noamnety]

21. From just today:

"shut up you ditchpig dyke."

I don't think the speaker believed I was gay, it's just the way we insult women, by implying they aren't doing sex right (I guess because sex defines us).

I haven't been threatened with violence for being assumed a lesbian, but I have been a victim of violence because I'm female.

[alsame]

23. Yes. When I was in college I went to Mardi Gras with a female

friend. One night the crowd was enormous and wild so we linked arms to keep from being separated. Well, there were quite a few anti-gay comments directed at us from drunk college boys.

[madamesilverspurs]

24. Oh, yeah.

My older brother and I both got Dad's build. Younger brother and sister got Mom's build. Even before the encroachments of age my Viking antecedents were quite pronounced, and not in a Swedish-swimteam way. 'Cute' is something I've never been able to do. But over the years I've learned to chuckle at the accusations, especially when they're delivered by some guy who just came off work at the cattle feedlot and hasn't shaved his teeth for a least a week. If 'the gay' really was a matter of choice, such men would have propelled me in that direction long ago!



"Ya wanna dance?"

"Sure, Stinko, I'll dance right here, you go way over there and dance."

[SeattleGirl]

58. "...hasn't shaved his teeth for at least a week."

ROFL, that's got to be one of the funniest descriptions I've ever read! :rofl:

[TorchTheWitch]

141. "shaved his teeth"!

That's hilarious! One of my brothers says "plow his teeth". That one he usually reserves for someone that's been on a three day drunk binge.

[Mz Pip]

25. No, it hasn't happened to me

and I've traveled frequently with female friends.

[Hepburn]

27. The only time this happened to me was when I was in a gay bar....

...with a gay female friend. The cretin males walking by were absolutely obnoxious. Other that that...nothing even remotely like that has ever happened to me.

:hi:

[Mrs. Overall]

159. Same here. My best friend from college is a lesbian and whenever we go out

people stare at us and men occasionally make rude comments.

One of the worst, though, was at a restaurant when a twelve year old girl, her mom, and grandma (I'm assuming) kept staring at us with absolute rage. When the mother took the daughter to the bathroom, she actually shielded the daughter as they walked by our table while the mother shot us glaring looks. Grandma remained at the table also shooting mean looks. I found the whole incident very disturbing. That was maybe ten years ago and I still sometimes think about it. Their looks didn't merely reflect anger, but revulsion and hate. It made me realize what my friend lives with on a regular basis.

I'm married, but I do socialize almost entirely with women--I work in an exclusively female run enterprise and I'm part of several groups that are only comprised of women. We go out quite a bit in groups or just in twos, and on the whole, we are never hassled, but I also live in a fairly liberal area.

[Starry Messenger]

28. No. I've never had this happen.

Usually they just get even more annoying and persistent.

[Skittles]

30. no

the only folk who assumed I was gay were lesbians I served with in the military :D

[jwirr]

33. About ten years ago I lived in a small town where I and a lesbian lady

looked so much alike that we were often mistaken for each other. Interesting situation.

[etherealtruth]

35. Its happened

There are some men (note my use of "some") that seem to believe the only way that you would turn them down was if you were gay ... and they seem to toss that thought around as an invective. For whatever reason they always seem to be part of a drunken group.

I think this issue has more to do with the treatment of women vs the targeting of Gays and Lesbians.

[joey5150]

36. Grrrrr...

I lift. When my BF goes below 11% I get a sixpack and it looks like grdn hoses are under my biceps and forearms. my hips slim and my butt disappears. so i look a little "boyish". my cross to carry. Watcha gonna do. I like the iron. i generally ignore asshats who wanna bring me down.

[EFerrari]

39. Never over sex but over spending time with other women.

Men spending time with men has to be blasted all over the media and made into a national passtime but women spending time with women, Katie, BAR THE DOOR!

:rofl:

[seabeyond]

40. if you turn a guy down, ..... handful of times. seems to be the knee jerk comment

from the asshole males who cant handle a no. most men dont behave that way. but then, maybe the no was cause they were so obviously asshole

i have never been addressed as lesbian in any other manner and never threatened or anything else.

[gleaner]

41. I don't know how common it is.......

but I have had it happen. One hot day when I was a lot younger a friend and I were sitting on her front steps after work on a hot day. We had our shoes off and we we drinking some chilled wine. Two really scary looking biker guys came over and tried to join us. We asked them to leave, because we were tired and did not feel like making a party out of it.

They got very menacing and used the appropriately ugly epithets for gay women. I nudged my friend and we went inside and locked the door. The guys whuffled around the door making crude slobbering sounds and telling us how they could make us like sex with men. Not that politely, of course. They seemed to be getting more and more into it, and we finally got frightened enough that we called a couple of guy friends to scare them off. I don't know what would have happened if we had not called our friends.

I did get a first hand feeling for what it is like to be perceived as "different" by people who cannot or will not accept differences in others. If anything it made my resolve to try to stop crap like that even stronger than it had been before.

[Kceres]

42. My father always made those kind of remarks about single women from their mid-twenties on up.

Especially if they were professional and/or successful. Must be a lesbian. He even assumed this if said women were elderly and widowed. If they had enough money to live w/o a husband and enjoy their lives, they simply had to be "queer". Ironically, I didn't exactly settle down until my mid-30s. I usually had boyfriends but I'm pretty sure my father believed me to be lesbian. Plus, I've always had gay friends. I'm sure it must have bothered him, which is why I never brought it up. I enjoyed tormenting him.

[unpossibles]

44. I'm a man, but I sadly have seen more than one woman 'insulted' this way

I don't know if I'd say it was common per se, but as a man with many female friends, I've seen it first hand, and heard of it second hand.

Also, FWIW, it happens to men too obviously, if we don't fit the assumed stereotype of how men "should behave" although it's also other men saying these things to us, generally.

[Jazzgirl]

45. Yes.

n/t

[hlthe2b]

47. I dare say most single professional women over a certain age

have been assumed to be lesbian. Hell, I became aware that I was being disucssed in that manner after a colleague saw me shopping in the mall with my sister...

The degree to which they mean to disparage me because of those assumptions, varies, of course. I hsve became quite accustomed to some making that conclusion about me, especially men of a certain age. I assume they could conceive of no other "more acceptable" explanation for why I was single. But, no, I've never been threatened as a result. I've always blown it off because I frankly can't stand gossip, period, no matter the subject. Obviously, if I was gay, I would have no problem telling them so, but I do hate feeding the bigoted tendencies of some...

[CakeGrrl]

49. I haven't had it happen, but I've wondered whenever

someone learns that I'm in my 40s and never married if they think or assume that's the reason, because as others have said, they probably can't fathom any other reason how that could be so. :crazy:

[csziggy]

51. No, but I have had some men react badly because I have gay male friends

I don't know if the pejorative "fag hag" is still used, but it was used to me years ago when I was out with some gay friends.

These days I simply do not go out places for socializing where the kind of people who would do that might be. But then I don't socialize much at all anymore.

[varelse]

54. Yes, many times

not often here in Santa Cruz, but definitely down in Southern California. It was pretty close to a daily thing there. It's difficult to respond, because my first instinct is to reply with the truth (I'm actually hetero) but the deeper truth is, it's none of their god damned business which gender I find attractive, and there isn't a damn thing wrong with being a lesbian.

My sister and I are virtually inseparable, so even now, there are many who assume we are a lesbian couple; we don't look much alike, aren't very "feminine" in appearance, are about the same age, and are seen together often. Since we now live in an area where homosexuality is socially acceptable and even seen as "normal", this false perception of our relationship very seldom triggers random attacks.

[AnnieBW]

56. Often, guys will call you a "lesbo"

if you respond negatively to their ham-handed attempts to "pick you up." They assume that, since they are God's gift to women, you must be a lesbian to not fall into bed with them immediately.

Losers.

:puke:

[bliss_eternal]

79. how can you not want to get with this, babeeee?!

:P

[Forkboy]

86. Or they call women "sluts", which is ironic as they just chose NOT to sleep with the guy.

:crazy:

[bliss_eternal]

91. haha...true....

dewd, you totally didn't want to get with her...she's such a f****g skanky whooooore! What a tramp! F*** her, dewd!

:eyes:

[SeattleGirl]

57. Many of the people I graduated with in 1973 think I'm a lesbian.

Started in 1971, when I shared a locker with my best friend. Her boyfriend was jealous of our friendship (oh, those dramatic days of high school), and complained to one of HIS friends about it. This friend, Karen, decided that the way to punish me for that friendship was to spread the word that I was a lesbian.

Lots and lots of people bought into that, and after she did that, when I walked down the hallway, it was like the red sea parting in front of me. Some of the girls would literally gasp in horror if they brushed against me in the hallway. Obviously, they were afraid of catching teh gay.

It didn't hurt to be called a lesbian; my mom had a number of lesbian friends from work, and I had been around them most of my life. No, what hurt was to be treated as if I had some disease. It hurt to be scoffed at and laughed at. It hurt to see people turning their backs on me. It hurt that with being given a label, some people took it as license to treat me like shit.

Today, if that happened, I'd probably put a smack down on them, again, not for calling me what they consider a bad name, but for how they treated me because of it. In 1971, I was incredibly shy, and mostly tried to be invisible. After the rumor started, it was hard to stay invisible.

I know that my experience in those long-ago days doesn't come close to what many in the GLBT community go through every day. But I think it gave me a small glimpse of what it's like to be treated like shit just because of who you are.

[Mari333]

59. yes when i was young....

I just told them to kiss my ass. what a loser any guy is who thinks hes gods gift to women by hassling them on the street. I used to carry rocks in my purse to hurl at their cars.

[phillysuse]

60. Barney Frank thought my friend and I were a gay couple -

A heterosexual married female friend and I went to a Democratic party fundraiser in 2008 which was held in Center City Philly and Barney Frank was the invited special guest. We went because we are both very politically active and were in Joe Sestak's Congressional campaigns. Her husband works out of town and is not particularly politically active and neither is mine. So we went to this fundraiser together which was in the Gaborhood in Philly. I had wanted to go meet Barney Frank because he had been my Congressman when I lived in Brookline Massachusetts in the 80's.

Anyway, basically almost everyone at the fundraiser was gay and Barney and the host assumed we were a couple. We didn't mind but we weren't and aren't. It was pretty funny trying to explain that we weren't a couple.

[uppityperson]

61. I have, my kid thought it hilarious (was in 3rd grade) when another kid called me a slur

Kid broke out laughing at the other kid, who has ended up in prison for a violent crime (the other kid(.

By an adult? Not that I have heard or can remember.

[bliss_eternal]

95. a child...?

omg. that blows my mind. :scared:

[Ilsa]

62. No, but I've been off the market for 17 years. nt

[bliss_eternal]

73. Ha!

:hi:

...you're funny!:rofl:

[MuseRider]

63. Yes, yes and no.

However I work on equality for GLBT in my state, have been on TV discussing it and been quoted in the paper. They, the local Talibornagains, all think I am gay. Well, I also drive a big 4 wheel drive diesel heavy duty truck.....to them that is a give away.

I don't recall having ever heard of anyone else having this problem. For me I just say THANKS! Give em a big smile and walk away. Hardly an insult being called a lesbian, some of the best people I know are lesbians and if I was half as good as they are I would be a very happy hetero woman indeed.

People are so odd and mean about this issue. They don't respect anyone except someone just like them or someone who does their bidding.

[pipi_k]

64. Yeah, I've been accused of being a lesbian

if such a thing can be called an "accusation"...by men whose egos have been trampled on when I didn't find them attractive enough.

Also...and this is interesting...I've been approached a few times by women who have said that if they were gay they "could really go for" me.

One time back in the early 1990s I went to a gay "wedding" (way before they were actually legal here) in a local town known for its rather large gay population. Anyway, the reception was held in (what else) a local gay bar/restaurant/dance club. The party lasted into the evening and when the place opened up for public business, some of the guests were still there dancing and having a good time. Most of us were heterosexual and got a bit intimidated by the prospect of awkward situations happening if/when a bar patron might try to pick us up, but nothing disruptive happened.

It was one of the most fun weddings I've ever been to.


:7

[LeftyMom]

65. I got called a "fucking dyke" and going to hell by a ten year old counterprotester at a prop 8 demo.

He learned that kind of delightful behavior from his Daddy, who was standing a few feet away doing the same to some other woman.

[Neecy]

69. wow.

Teaching hatred to a kid that young has got to be a form of child abuse.

How did you react?

[LeftyMom]

75. I ignored it. That family's well known locally for what they do, and the cops were asking us all to

keep moving and not engage them in any way.

[bliss_eternal]

74. that's beyond messed up.

from a kid. wow.

:puke::scared:

[LeftyMom]

76. The family's basically the Phelpses without the law degrees or travel budget.

They just heckle and make asses of themselves at pro-GLBT events in Sacto and very rarely in the Bay Area. Engaging them really doesn't help, they think it means they're being oppressed for being godly and it encourages them. They're raising the kids with the same mentality unfortunately.

[bliss_eternal]

80. omg.

:spray:
:rofl:


Quote:
The family's basically the Phelpses without the law degrees or travel budget.

[uppityperson]

108. That is a funny description "without the law degrees or travel budget"

what jerks and their poor kids

[noamnety]

113. Yikes.

How much you wanna bet that the same parents who taught him that are the loudest ones telling the school they don't want their kids exposed to a book with a gay character because they don't want to have to explain to their innocent children what that means?

[Gabi Hayes]

66. that question is really

g
a
y

[Gabi Hayes]

68. btw, I've been asked if I was gay by several different kids at schools in

which I've worked.

as a result of one incident some staffers apparently bandied this question about for most of a school year. a teacher with whom I hung out with told me this after she'd quit, but never would tell me who was discussing it, or with whom the whole thing started

I told her they should have just asked me, as in who cares?



what a country

[bliss_eternal]

87. wow!

:scared: i wouldn't have dared to ask such a personal question about a teacher, when i was in school. kids are so bold these days.

[jmm]

67. I had a roommate in college spread a rumor I was a lesbian.

She had a boyfriend but that didn't stop her from throwing herself at men. The second semester we lived together a guy moved onto our floor that she liked. He turned down all her advances so he had to be gay. When he and I started spending time together I became a lesbian. I pretty much ignored the issue until somebody confronted her in front of me. I figured my friends knew I wasn't but more importantly they wouldn't care if I was. I took it as a good opportunity to weed some bigots out of my life. She got upset when she realized I knew what she had been saying but didn't admit it sooner. I basically laughed in her face and said it wasn't like she was hurting my chances with men.

[bliss_eternal]

72. Holy crap!

That reminded me...there was a rumour circulating in jr. high that *I* was a lesbian. Get this...because I was overtly affectionate and frequently hugged people(guys and girls), but didn't seem to have a steady boyfriend.

:eyes:
Can you believe that?

Hey, was your roommate mental? She sounds a bit...:crazy:

[jmm]

131. I never had much luck with roommates.

She was a kleptomaniac and obnoxious but if it wasn't for her homophobia should wouldn't have been my worst roommate.

A few years ago when I got my labret pierced a guy at work asked it I switched teams. I told him not to worry about my team because he wasn't in my league. I think his comment had more to do with rumors about some of the friends I went to get pierced with than the piercing but it was still a :wtf: moment.

[tilsammans]

71. By other straight women . . . !

When I was in my 20s, I went several years without dating any guys. None whatsoever. Because picky me didn't meet any guys I cared to date.

Therefore, I was a lesbian. No anti-gay slurs came my way per se, but I heard a number of thinly veiled remarks implying same.

[bliss_eternal]

83. i hear that a lot.

doesn't it suck that people chose to make presumptions about your sexuality, instead of just accepting you were single? ...and bottom line, it was "none of their damned business, thank you very much!

i got married at 30, i understand. :eyes:

[MissB]

77. Not particularly

I don't wear a wedding ring, though I've been married for almost 14 years.

In my job, when I meet with folks (generally mid age white men), I do so "in the field" generally wearing jeans and sturdy boots. I'm sure some of them make assumptions, but none of them have ever said anything untowards.

I haven't has anyone make rude comments after hitting on me/cat calling. Maybe it is the casual West Coast? People are fairly relaxed and progressive out here.

[woo me with science]

78. No.

This has never happened to me.

[nadinbrzezinski]

81. Back in the days when I was a medic, that happened ONCE

after all women do not take on such a male occupation, doncha know?

Now the idiot who said that almost wore a boot or two from my partners, who considered me "one of the guys."

That was in Tijuana, Mexico...

It also led to a long discussion later on... it was at the height of AIDS scare one... circa 1985

[unapatriciated]

82. Yes. but have no problem with it, cause I don't consider it an insult.

What I do care about is when they take it to the level of physical violence.
My daughter was raped 13 years ago just because she was a lesbian and "hadn't met a real man yet".
To make matters worse the police said it was a he said (the guy said it was consensual) she said and wouldn't prosecute unless my daughter could get this guy to admit (with them listening in) that he raped her. She couldn't face her attacker at the time.
Back then the Hollywood Police dept. didn't care about violence against gays Hell it's not much better today.

[smalll]

84. I'm a man, and this happens a LOT to men as well --

Of course it happens a lot amongst kids -- high schoolers, etc -- the low-status male is often called "gay" by his peers. But it happens later in life as well. It happened to me again just recently. There is a woman who is a regular at my local bar whom I have vaguely known for a year and a half or so, but about a month and a half ago, she and I really started clicking -- to the extent that people started assuming we had become a couple. (Unfortunately for me, her interest is definitely cooling off right now, so we never really will become one.)

An old boyfriend of hers straight up asked me in conversation with other people "Are you a homosexual?" very accusingly. I brushed it off, what I could have said though, if I had wanted to really make trouble, was "Clearly not, and that's worrying you, isn't it?"

Accusing guys of being gay is something that a lot of guys do in an attempt to shut down competition.

[Neecy]

92. you know, I'm sorry I didn't ask this

I know it happens to men a lot when they're kids, as you pointed out, but I should have invited anyone to jump in to this topic (and you can).

I assume that women get the brunt of this when they turn down a male advance, or are in non-traditional jobs - but I'm sure straight men have been threatened or assaulted as adults because someone perceives that he's gay. Thanks for jumping in here, because I should have included straight men in my question as well.

[bliss_eternal]

101. not too late to create a separate poll...

...asking the hetero guys (if you're interested in their opinion). it's worth asking, for the sake of information.
it's an interesting question. :thumbsup:

[Neecy]

104. okey dokey

I actually am interested, but I assumed women would get this far more often from dipshits who think they're gods gift to women.

I'll post it.

[bliss_eternal]

106. We probably do...

(hear it more), but it's worth seeing how and why people toss it at men.

[Neecy]

126. wow

I'm so glad you asked me to post that - I'm surprised by the responses and how men think this happens to them far more often because of the rigid masculinity roles that are expected from them. And they may be right, I don't know. But it seems to cut across both genders.

[bliss_eternal]

130. Patriarchy constrains everyone...

...the sad thing is, some of the guys called gay slurs, will turn around call women "whores" or "man haters" for similar reasons (or for speaking out against sexism and rape on DU).

Very glad you're doing this, though. It's an informative exercise!
:hi::hug:

[bliss_eternal]

97. i'm really pissed at south park for bringing that back.

i thought calling people g*y, was left in the 80's w/headbands, legwarmers and other unfortunate fashion choice. Along comes South Park. suddenly, i was heard it everywhere again.
i blame them for it.

:eyes:

[smalll]

85. (self-delete -- duplicate post.) /nt

[DKRC]

88. Many times

During High School of course by my best friend's insecure boyfriend. He was cute, but not too bright. He was her x-boyfriend for that accusation. Then, in our late 20s, her husband was jealous and made her choose between him & me. She told him not to, but he pushed it. We hauled his ass over to Atlanta & marched him on the plane back to his Mama in Brazil.

When I was a dispatcher, one of the day shift deputies convinced himself I was a lesbian because he never saw a man leaving my house. My 3rd shift guys laughed their asses off when he approached them with his suspicions, because they heard all my stories when I came back on rotation. I just winked at him if I saw him. Flustered the boy.

Couple of guys I wouldn't date/dance with always hit me with that crap. I never took it personally. You have to believe something is bad to be insulted by the association. Besides any guy whose fallback position is that I'm gay hasn't got anything in his Levi's worth fussing over.

:evilgrin:

[knitter4democracy]

89. Yup. Heck, my own dad thought I was a lesbian for years.

I didn't date in high school and not very much in college, so he assumed that I was a lesbian for years. Being one of the few liberals at my Christian college, I was often called dyke and other names, especially after my anti-homecoming pageant letter to the editor was published.

Having had lesbian friends at college, though, I have to say that what happened to me was nothing like the hell they went through. Nothing at all.

[bliss_eternal]

93. True...

...i've heard of severe harassment of women that seem 'butch' in appearance. :grr::mad:
i can't even express in words how i feel about that.

short of you smuggling lesbian porn into your home, couldn't your dad have just thought you a late bloomer?

[knitter4democracy]

100. Well, a new hairdresser cut my hair short in middle school.

Dad didn't believe me that she did it without my permission and thought I wanted my hair cut like a boy's. He's from an older generation, and he just always figured for years that I was a lesbian. Yeah. It really makes no sense, but then, homophobia makes no sense anyway.

[bliss_eternal]

102. Ah...ok.

the generation that is 'concerned' because their son wants to wear an earring. i hear 'ya. and true, intolerance is not a thing of reason or sense.

[distantearlywarning]

94. I've only had it happen when I turned down a guy.

I think it's their (pathetic and misguided) way of soothing their egos after rejection.

After all, if she's a lesbian, that totally explains why she wouldn't go out with you, in a way that has nothing to do with the fact that you're a loser. :evilgrin:

[pitohui]

96. don't know how common it is but it semi frequently happened to me in olden times

i am a feminist and also a weirdo and i guess some retards put the two together and assume it equals "lesbian"

i think the guys who did it were just looking for a way to intimidate me and thought it would work

this has never happened w. some random cretin, it has only happened when the person knew me and had some reason cooked up in his fuckwitted mind to want to threaten me

seems like this happened a LOT more prior to the early 1990s, who now thinks "lesbian" is an insult, even the most rednecky of fucktards now thinks lesbian sex exists so they can whack off to it...

[Rhiannon12866]

98. No, I haven't, but I've heard gossip that other women are, from men...

I said I didn't think so, but they argued that they were. So I have no idea, but I really don't care. :shrug:

As for several men I know, they seem to like the idea. Makes no sense to me... :crazy:

[shanti]

99. jokingly perhaps

because i refuse to shave my legs or pits (which aren't even hairy). i don't get that at all. maybe it's a generational thing...:shrug:

i'm just an old hippie chick.

[TygrBright]

107. Yep, my Mom and I still laugh about the time we were walking together...

...and holding hands, and some cretins drove by and hollered at us about it.

And there have been other times, not so amusing.

I am amazed by people who apparently have so little of interest in their own lives that they feel compelled to comment on others'.

resignedly,
Bright

[inna]

110. no, not at all.

never in a negative way.

[Captain Hilts]

111. Yes. I don't wear make up and wear sensible shoes. Yep. nt

[Hekate]

112. I have felt threatened for being a female, period. ...

Other than that, deleted.

Hekate

[Lorien]

116. No, no one has ever suggested that I am/ was a lesbian

even though a number of my girlfriends are lesbians and we do spend a fair amount of time out and about together. My appearance fits another stereotype; I'm tall, curvy, with long blonde hair and fairly small waist. If I ignore rednecks shouting come ons at me they usually follow it with "typical stuck up blonde bitch" or some such bit of nastiness. That's the one good thing about getting older; less of the lewd sexual come ons by vile strangers. :puke:

[Name removed]

117. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[tblue37]

119. I haven't, but I know female athletes who get that all the time. nt

[Neecy]

120. you all are terrific

What started this was a story I related in another topic about an event that happened a few years ago. My girlfriend at the time and I were walking out of a convenience store in Placerville, CA. It was about nine o'clock at night and we'd stopped in to get coffee to fortify us for the drive back to San Francisco.

As we were walking out with our coffee, a bunch of goons in a pickup truck wanted us to come over and talk with them. We were tired, we wanted to get home and we were in no mood to get hit on my these lowlifes. We ignored them and continued to walk to our car when they began screaming DYKES! and started rushing out of their truck for us. We ran back inside to ask the clerk to call the tops and the lowlifes left.

The point was made that they would have acted that way with a couple of straight women - and now I can see that it's very possible, although the rushing out of their truck for us I still believe was in no small part because they sensed that we were a couple.

What's funny is that when I've gone out with my straight friends, I've been hit on and when I've declined I've never been verbally assaulted or felt threatened - only when I've been with a partner.

[Triana]

122. Not experienced it but being somewhat of a tomboy, older, unpartnered...

...I'm sure the assumptions are there. I expect comments/assumptions are made that I don't hear or haven't heard (yet).

[Dappleganger]

124. Yes, a number of times.

More than I can count, really. I was a tomboy and played 3 seasons of sports, plus a number of girls (team mates and from opposing teams) and I hung out in the same circle. When we went to the mall or out to the beach, we'd hear it as a group and individually. It used to hurt at first but then I learned to tune it out. Don't ever remember any of it being violent, but there were threats of taking me in the back seat of their car and turning me into a 'real woman.' Ugh.

It's been a few years since this has happened, however, as now I am nearly always surrounded by family.

[dogsmycopilot]

125. it is common

Not only is it a common response when turning a guy down it also is the slur of choice anytime you piss a man off, or so it seems. A similar slur was dealt to me by an old man in a grocery store in response to my toddler son's really long hair. I believe it is as you say; the ultimate slur for these creeps is the L word.

[blondeatlast]

127. I love the WNBA and my Phoenix Mercury. Clubbing afterwards is sometimes a pain, though.

Often the Diamondbacks play the same nights and guys just assume that I'm gay. Sometimes they are turned on by it and that's even worse. I like clubbing and like to flirt but the reactions I get can be very weird.

I'm happily straight--I've tried women to no avail

[rhiannon55]

128. When my daughter was in her teens

we were walking along holding hands and some idiot passed us in (of course) a pickup truck and yelled "Which one of you has the dick?" I was so furious at that hateful homophobic moron.

[Shanti Mama]

133. Haven't read all the replies but will pitch in my story

My mom thought I was gay! We were estranged because of her drinking and she talked with my sibs about why I wouldn't come out to her.

Now, single with two adopted kids, people will ask a lot of questions that are intended to find out my orientation. I live in Kathmandu so there's not any gay bashing of expats, that I know of. Still I can tell that people wonder sometimes.

[shimmergal]

135. No, and

it's strange that I haven't. I've always been an unabashed feminist, have a bunch of lesbian friends, and live a fairly homosocial life.

OTOH, I'm fairly soft-spoken, don't go to clubs or bars much, and like to wear feminine clothes. NOT revealing, but skirts, jewel tones and/or pastels, and often, skirts. When I was young it was still believable to turn a man down with a "sorry, I don't want to risk getting pregnant"

I did have a sort of funny-neat experience once, in DC. I was there for the weekend with my BF, and said I'd like to go out somewhere exotic. He and his friend, a DC native, took me to a lesbian bar. I danced with the other customers as well as the guys, and just had an all-around good time; the atmosphere was friendly and way cool. Afterwards they told me some of the women had assumed they (the two guys) were a couple, and I was a lesbian friend they were trying to fix up. I just said, Hmmm...

[omega minimo]

136. or you could present it actually the way it was presented in the thread you're referring to.

:hi:

[Neecy]

154. I did

I'm not surprised you're here, since you minimized the experience in the original thread.

[omega minimo]

155. no you didn't

and no I didn't.


I know what was being described as it was described. You chose to minimize it by apparently not understanding it, clinging to your assumptions, which is the way you presented it here.

Hopefully some of the replies will give you more insight into that experience common to women.

:thumbsup:

[Neecy]

158. Uh-huh

Here's the original thread, complete with YOU minimizing the experience and refusing to accept that the attack had anything to do with my gayness.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8532902

From reading this thread, I can see that the slur itself may have been simply as a result of ignoring them. The threat of violence, however, was not the norm and I still believe it's entirely possible that they perceived that we were a couple and were prepared to harm us as a result. If anyone was clinging to assumptions, I'd say it was you.

And, um, I *am* a woman. How patronizing of you. Or am I less of a woman to you because I'm lesbian?

[Norrin Radd]

139. Old school goth and male here, so I used to frequently wear make-up

and androgynous clothes. Used to have anti-gay slurs yelled at me all the time when I was in my 20's in college. It was a learning experience that helped me gain much empathy.

[TorchTheWitch]

142. the opposite really

Every guy that's tried to pick me up has wanted to know if I went both ways, and when I say no, they think there's something wrong with me and try to talk me into it. Never been accused of being a lesbian by creeps that just can't believe a women doesn't want them... apparently I'm just a mean bitch when that happens.

Guys weren't so incredibly pushy when I was younger and they used to be polite and suave then. These days it's usually nothing more than "Ugh. You. Me. Now. Ugh ugh."

[eridani]

143. Doe bisexual count?

Haven't been threatened with violence, but it is all too common to be out with an old friend catching up on each others' lives, and some asshat comes over and sez "Are you ladies alone?" Jeebus.

[Politicalboi]

144. Funny thing is that

Some of those same men would give anything to see two women together for their sexual pleasure. No problem, those women aren't lesbians, they're just doing it for me. LOL!

[cali]

146. No. I live in Vermont.

[Vinca]

147. No - I used to live in Vermont and now I live in NH.

For the most part people around here don't care what you are as long as you mind your own business.

[alarimer]

148. Yes I was harassed by a guy once called me names like that

when I showed no interest in him. He was completely drunk and inappropriate, which was the real reason for my non-response.

[Berry Cool]

149. I haven't been called any slurs

but I'm sure that many people just assume that because I'm of "a certain age" and have never been married, have no boyfriends and show no particular sign of wanting children that I'm a lesbian, no matter what I say about thinking this man or that man is attractive (they probably think that's protective coloring).

There's not much I can do about it, so I don't worry about it. I just stick to the philosophy "I'd rather have a bigot mistake me for a lesbian than a lesbian mistake me for a bigot."

[Phentex]

150. Yes. I have been called a lesbian and

someone (maybe more people!) assumed my sister and I were partners at a festival once. She was wearing a rainbow hat and I assume we looked stereotypical.

Years ago, I was called lesbo by some guys who were hitting on my roommate and me at a bar. Maybe it's just the younger, immature guys who do this?

I can't say I've ever been threatened though.

[salin]

152. Never had that experience.

Nor do I recall any friend telling about a similar experience.

[backtoblue]

156. I've had guy "friends" poke fun at me when I hang out with another chick.

I've been a tomboy my whole life and most of my friends are guys, so if I hang out around another woman, they make stupid jokes about it. Other than that, not to my face anyways. nt

[applegrove]

165. No but the other day someone used an anti-gay slur to describe Michael Jackson

and I didn't call them on it. I'm just not quick verbally.

[redqueen]

166. Oh yes.

Refusing some knuckle-dragging idiot's advances often results in that kind of insult.

So does not wearing makeup / 'girl' clothes... although that's more often from other girls.

[AspenRose]

167. Not yet

Since I'm a woman of color that's the first card the bigots pull first.

I suspect if I offended another person of color who was a homophobe, there's a high probability it could happen.