Saying Goodbye

[Mythsaje]

Since the Muddle East has yet again exploded into its own particular version of insanity, it seems all too likely that the time of the Rapture is almost upon us, and all those godly folks will be taking their leave of this mortal coil by being sucked up into heaven to leave us sinners in the foulness of the time of Tribulation.

This being the case, I thought I'd provide a handy guide for the heretics, pagans, and other non-believers to say goodbye to their soon-to-be-departing loved ones.

1. Pack warm clothing. It gets cold up there on the clouds, and your loved ones will need extra sweaters and a good winter coat.

2. Include no worldly entertainment. The rest of their eternal existence will be spent groveling before God, so they will no longer need their favorite novels (probably written by unrepentant sinners who won't be in heaven anyway) or DVDs. And, yes, this does include their extensive porn collections.

3. Include extra underwear. The process of being sucked into heaven will most likely cause some people to release their bladders and/or bowels, and therefore it's a good idea to include as many pairs of underwear as physically possible, considering the room required by winter clothing.

4. Pictures of loved ones. A group photo of all members of the family NOT considered likely candidates for Rapture would be a wonderful going away present.

5. A satellite map of Earth, so when they're looking down upon high, observing the carnage, they are more easily able to locate their loved ones' locale.

6. Sunscreen and sunglasses. Above the clouds there is far less protection from the scorching ultraviolet radiation of the sun, so it behooves those who will be left behind to provide these things for the one to be raptured.

7. Do NOT include MP3 or portable music players. All modern and popular music is OF THE DEVIL and is therefore banned from heaven. The heavenly host will provide all musical accompaniment for the rest of eternity.

8. For the safety of those who will NOT be raptured, it is important to keep all potential Rapturees from operating motor vehicles or heavy equipment of any kind for the rest of their time on Earth. This includes cars, buses, trains, airplanes, ships, and smaller boats, as well as forklifts or earth-moving equipment. Licenses should be revoked and keys confiscated until further notice.

9. Since it may be the case that the Rapturee will be allowed one Holy Smiting per day, a high-powered sniper rifle is an ideal parting gift to be included in the departing person's luggage, particularly if they plan to travel outside the United States--where they themselves cannot purchase such an item--in the brief span of time before the rapture comes.

10. Photo ID will be required in order to ensure that the Holy Host does not accidentally Rapture the wrong people and accidentally infect heaven with their evilness.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. ROFL!

You deserve a DUzy!

K&R

:rofl:

[Mythsaje]

3. Thanks...

But given this is a recycle, I'm not sure it hasn't already won one.

[malaise]

8. A RaptureDUzy

:rofl:

[question everything]

24. Welcome back, CalPeggy!

Hope you had a wonderful trip.

[Liberation Angel]

2. K&R this is really funny

too damn funny

[Cleita]

4. ROFLMAO!

:rofl:

:applause: I needed a good laugh today.

[merh]

5. Oh what a load of nonsense

everyone knows the Holy Host doesn't make mistakes - there is no way that the great HH would ever accidently rapture the wrong person.

No photo ID is necessary and its just silly to think that it would be.

:eyes:

[Swamp Rat]

7. An official invitation, however, is required.

Must have gold leaf seal with image of jeebus.



:hi::hug:

[merh]

16. Or a slice of toast

:hi: :pals: :hug:

[pleah]

6. rotflmao

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: K&R :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[NanceGreggs]

9. K&R!!!

:rofl:

[MineralMan]

10. You're all wrong about this. The Ruptured will be taken

naked. Then there is a rope line with two biker-types deciding who's hot enough to enter the Celestial Gates. Those planning to get Ruptured really need to think about joining a gym. God don't want to see no ugly people, for pete's sake!

[MineralMan]

15. Here's a photo of the last rapture...see what I mean...

Hotties only:

[truedelphi]

11. Now explain a few things to me -

1) If you are a born again Christian, are you automatically raptured? And then judged?

Or
2)if you are not substantially enough of a good person, then will not even your born again status save you - will you not be raptured?

If 2) is the case, then most of these people will not be raptured, in MHO.

At a recent dinner party, a friend was explaining how her sister became born again, and then did something called a "born again virgin" wedding (Wherein all the affairs and marriages, divorces etc that you had BEFORE you got born again don't count. Not sure if they re-sew your hymen or not,) but any way:

Within three months of this virginal new marriage, the sister is sleeping with the Church's Pastor! (Who was NOT the man she married.)

Yet said sister still serves as the self-appointed family conscience, letting everyone in the family know whether they can or cannot be-friend gay people, and which TV talk show hosts to listen to and all that.

Jeesh! (I should point out family is polite to her face, but in secret pokes fun of her.)

[Mythsaje]

12. Your family is FAR more generous than I would be.

I'm rather diplomatic, but mockery is one of our best weapons against hypocritical stupidity.

[truedelphi]

13. It is my friend's family and

The younger of three sisters I believe.

But yes, the family avoids being brutally moquer-ific, which is not something that I would guarantee myself being. ::-):

[Mythsaje]

14. Ah... Well, then.

I'm sure she's the butt of a great many family jokes.

[Recursion]

20. Unfortunately the rapture doctrine is horribly muddled

And, incidentally, it's not a tenant of the mainstream Protestant churches or the Catholic church (in fact they actively teach that it is not true) but it's believed by something like 55% of Americans.

The most "scripturally sound" rapture doctrine is something like this: all people who accepted Jesus into their hearts (and are therefore recorded in the book of life) will be immediately and bodily transported into heaven. (The "bodily" bit is important; Paul stresses that heaven is a physical place, Jesus went further saying it is physically on earth -- "Now having been questioned by the Pharisees as to when the kingdom of God was coming, He answered them and said, "The kingdom of God is not coming with signs to be observed; nor will they say, 'Look, here it is!' or, 'There it is!' For behold, the kingdom of God is in your midst." Luke 17:20-21). This belief seems to be a product of the 2nd Great Awakening, and is a key part in the Adventist and Pentecostal churches.

The narrative after the rapture is taken alternately from Daniel and Revelation: the general belief is that everyone still left on earth will have the opportunity to repent and accept Jesus, but that none (or only a very few) will because they will be rich and happy under a single world government led by the Son of Perdition (see below) -- this period is the setting for the Left Behind novels.

A much smaller group believe in what's called "post-trib rapture" (though many of those reject that label saying they don't believe in a "rapture" as such at all). In this doctrine, the believers will go through the "Tribulation" (generally 7 years, from Daniel) when the Son of Perdition (often identified as "the Antichrist", although that word is not used anywhere in the bible for an individual person) rules the world. The faithful will refuse to wear the mark of the Beast (whom they, inexplicably, identify with the Son of Perdition and the Antichrist) and will be exiled and martyred. These guys are the scary survivalist Randy Weaver types, and it may not surprise you that they tend to believe that at the end of the 7 years (or however long) the survivors will be part of God's army that will wipe out non-believers. (Though many believe that the Israeli Jews will en masse convert to Christianity after the Temple is rebuilt.)

I want to stress that there is a spectrum of beliefs here; your average Catholic of mainstream Protestant might say "I believe in rapture" but isn't terribly upset if their preacher or sunday school teacher points out that that belief is contrary to their church's doctrine (churches are kind of starting to crack down on this, a little, possibly because of the popularity of the Left Behind novels).

But anyways, back to your questions specifically:
(I'm speaking here for "Christian doctrine as generally taught in most Protestant and Reformed churches", not for my beliefs, which are not terribly relevant here since I don't believe in any sort of "rapture"):

1) If you are a born again Christian, are you automatically raptured? And then judged?

Automatically raptured, yes. Judged, no (see below).

2)if you are not substantially enough of a good person, then will not even your born again status save you - will you not be raptured?

If there is one clear doctrine about the idea of "salvation" throughout Christianity, it is that no amount of badness on your part can make God damn you (and the corollary, no amount of goodness on your part can make God save you) -- salvation is through grace alone, and faith is a sign (but not a cause) of that grace (though that's leaning towards the Reformed/Calvinist view more than, say, a Methodist or Baptist might like).

[DemocratSinceBirth]

23. That Was A Great Explanation

I would differ slightly. I don't know if all churches believe in "The Rapture". It's not specifically mentioned in the Bible but the "Second Coming" is a staple of most Christian denominations.

[truedelphi]

42. Wow. Thanks! that was exceedingly thorough.

To this day, I regret not having participated in some sort of Evangelical movement and come up with the idea behind the "Left Behind" series.

I'd be rich enough to relax for sure.


I am more of a traditional old fashioned Christian - that is, you have to be sorta good to get into heaven.
Love your neighbor and think of others (At least once in a while.)

But am copying yr definition of salvation to the hard drive.
You say: If there is one clear doctrine about the idea of "salvation" throughout Christianity, it is that no amount of badness on your part can make God damn you (and the corollary, no amount of goodness on your part can make God save you) -- salvation is through grace alone, and faith is a sign (but not a cause) of that grace (though that's leaning toward the Reformed/Calvinist view more than, say, a Methodist or Baptist might like).
As it seems to be what all these born again people favor.

[nc4bo]

17. +10 Bwahaha! nt

[Control-Z]

18. Oops, I guess I wasn't ready!

Here's a page they've kindly prepared for those of us who will be left behind:

http://www.raptureme.com/rap49.html

'It's likely that the media is teeming with possible explanations for the disappearances...'

[Mythsaje]

19. "To prevent heaven from being contaminated by these 'sin particles'... OMG

:rofl:

These people are truly demented.

[Control-Z]

25. Do you know what the Mark of the Beast looks like?

'The only way you can find yourself eternally lost is by receiving the Mark of the Beast on your right hand or forehead. '

I have two freckles on my right hand, and the signs of some future wrinkles on my forehead??? I wonder if the left hand matters.

[Mythsaje]

26. Haven't you heard? It's a bar code.

I don't believe that shit, but I sure as hell not getting a bar-code tattooed on me.

[Control-Z]

28. It's a bar code.

:rofl:

I may be getting be dangerously close, though. (Shhh. My phone scans bar codes.)

Edit: fix sloppy typing

[Mythsaje]

29. Yeah... It's actually rather interesting.

I've talked to some people who've explained it--something about not being able to buy and sell without the "mark of the beast," and how a "cashless economy" (something I oppose for other reasons) would necessitate such a system. It's actually a fairly cogent argument coming from whack-jobs, though I wonder if the people who came up with it have ever heard of a black market or barter. The domination they imagine is next to impossible, even IN a cashless economy.

Legitimate or not (and I don't think it is, theologically speaking) there is NO way in hell I'm going to let someone barcode MY ass. Or my hand or forehead, for that matter.

[Control-Z]

30. I would have no problem with having a bar code

tatoo, as long as:

1.) I really wanted a tatoo, of any kind.
2.) it could not be scanned or tracked.

I don't believe in any of that god/devil crap.

[Mythsaje]

32. Oh, me either.

But you know it would be scanned or tracked. That would be the point. To have someone able to monitor everything you buy or sell, where you go, etc... It would be as bad as a dermal implant RF chip. I'd fight that shit tooth and nail, religious arguments notwithstanding.

I think religion is bullshit, but I can't see how something like this wouldn't turn into a freaking disaster given the way some folks are drawn to power. Like Frank Herbert said "It's not so much that power corrupts, or that absolute power corrupts absolutely, but rather that power attracts the corruptible."

[Control-Z]

34. I had trouble agreeing to the one I had on my dog.

I'd have to wonder about anyone who would willingly be tracked.

[Mythsaje]

35. Yeah... Tell me about it.

I'd have no problem microchipping my dog. It's become fairly common in canine rescue lately. It's really for the dog's benefit and it's not as though s/he is out there trying to buy black market grass or something. Tracking a dog is one thing--a person something completely different.

[Control-Z]

39. The one time we needed to depend

on the microchip, my dog ended up in the pound. The long gone dimwit who was supposed to catalog the chip didn't. My dog's chip showed no information whatsoever. Because of that I didn't look for her at the pound for a couple of days. And because of that I was fast approaching their 3 day limit when I finally found her.

[Mythsaje]

40. There's always a dimwit somewhere, isn't there? n/t

[Recursion]

45. They're pretty popular

at least among the tragic-hipster types (I love my tattoos but I stick with the classics).

There are some datacenters whose admins have implanted RFIDs for entrance (voluntarily; you can also carry a card). I'd be worried about someone who wanted to break into the datacenter cutting off my arm to steal my identity.

[Control-Z]

46. Lol. You've actually thought this through.

'cutting off my arm to steal my identity'

My identity would not be worth the effort. They'd find out they had cut off a liability. :rofl:

[Recursion]

47. Ha. I used to joke about that

A few years ago my credit was so bad that I hoped the mafia would steal my identity so that Equifax would go after them...

[Control-Z]

49. Actually, the truth is

my identity was already stolen, and that is one of the major reasons my credit is not good. The woman, whose name is almost identical, owes close to 100,000.00 in mostly student loans.

It started about 15 years ago when a collector tried to repo my Ford Taurus. But I didn't own a Ford Taurus. The guy was real scary over the phone and kept calling back and threatening me. Said he was around the corner from my house and that he would come after me if I didn't give him the car. He had me in tears. The calls finally stopped after my husband set him straight.

I thought that was the end of it until a few years ago when her bills/collection notices started coming to my address. I've tried to stop them. I've called the different businesses, but nothing seems to change. My credit report shows that I use two different SS numbers. Both hers and mine. I've even had the IRS come after her/me at my address. I had to file legal docs to set it straight with them.

These collection people don't care that it's not me. They just want the money. I've pretty much given up trying. Eventually the statute of limitations will run out. I hope.

[Ghost in the Machine]

21. This one is a Classic, Mythsaje.. I'm glad I got to rec it again!

:-)

I still have the original posted on my site, too: http://www.congressunderfire.com/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=109&topic_id=13&mesg_id=13&page=2


:hi:

[DemocratSinceBirth]

22. Do You Mean The Holy (G)host Or Holy Spirit?

~

[Mythsaje]

27. The Holy Host... i.e. "Angels." n/t

[PatSeg]

31. I missed it the first time

Thanks for posting it again!

[Mythsaje]

33. You're quite welcome.

Glad you liked it.

I'm not really a comedy writer, but sometimes I do okay.

[PatSeg]

36. Undoubtedly you were inspired

Nut jobs can do that to us!

[Mythsaje]

37. Very true.

I don't even remember what set it off originally. Something got under my skin, though.

[PatSeg]

38. Yeah, I know

There is a breaking point where you just HAVE to make fun of them.

Years ago a southern Baptist minister tried to convert me. He told that Jesus never really drank wine, it was fruit juice!!! That was it - he was asking for it. He left shaking his head and never returned. I don't recall what all I said, but my husband had a hard time stifling his laughter until after the guy left. "Poor guy didn't have a chance, had no idea who he was talking to." he later told a co-worker.

[foxfeet]

41. Rapture, my ass. It's just a defective product recall.

[Greyhound]

50. Another LOL!

Objectively, this is really too easy, but what the hell, it's fun, too.
:rofl:

[sellitman]

43. What no virgins?

:shrug:

[OneGrassRoot]

44. I'm trying to get them to give me their stuff now, what with the impending Rapture ...

I'm surrounded by Those Who Shall Be Lifted and figure they're in no need of "stuff."

The heathen, pagan that I am, I could put it to use for the Greater Good.

K&R - nice post! :)

[47of74]

48. LOL!