My partner of 6 years refused to go to the hospital when we thought she had appendicitis.

[readmoreoften]

Her body was shaking in pain and she was sobbing. She wouldn't go because if it was appendicitis or a ruptured ovarian cyst, they'd have to operate and she was afraid they'd refuse to let her see me. She kept crying "They'll take you away from me! They'll take you away from me!" Basically she's so traumatized by the idea of being separated from me that'd she'd rather die at home from a curable illness with me by her side than risk dying alone knowing that I'm in a waiting room begging to see her with homophobic nurses telling me I'm not "family."

She didn't have much of a fever, if she did I was going to call an ambulance because I am too small to physically force her to go. I was afraid, of course, that the EMTs would not allow me to ride with her.

Her fever didn't rise, and it wasn't appendicitis. And we don't know if it was that caused the pain. She is afraid to go to the doctors in general because she knows she won't go to the hospital for an operation.

And all this stress is on top of the financial burden of hospital bills. Even though we have insurance for the first time in years, we have a 30% copay. And if my partner was in the hospital, we'd lose our benefits in a few months because she has to work a certain number of hours a week or she loses the insurance--and hospitalizations count.


Who EXACTLY is included in the American system anymore? Considering the treatment of LGBT people; the treatment of vets returning from with suicidal depression, traumatic brain injury, PTSD, sexual abuse issues, and total despair--all from wars they know are pointless; the treatment of the average working American (not to mention immigrants) by the banks that own their homes and workplaces; the hundreds of thousands of college grads sucked down by student loan debt they can't pay off.

Who EXACTLY is living this "American Dream" I hear so much about? The rightwing scum who drain the rest of us for profit (work and war) or for sadistic thrills (gaybashing/racism)?

People are tired. Not just gay people. Most people. We're tired.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

1. I feel for you

I work in a clinic, and just got off the phone with a patient who is being helicoptered to a hospital because he's seriously ill. His long time partner was not allowed to go along, but he's driving the hundred + miles to the hospital even though he knows that he won't be allowed to see his partner. These are kind, gentle men who are trying their best to deal with a very serious situation, as you did--and the added stress of not being able to be there for each other---I cried.

I hope that, in my lifetime, all loving couples are allowed to wed.

[readmoreoften]

2. Maybe MASSIVE FINES for discriminatory hospitals would be a good immediate step.

And an executive order stating that hospitals must honor the legal wishes of any person in regards to who they want to see in the hospital. Hospitals aren't for preserving the bourgeois family structure of "daddy, mommy, me". Hospitals are for getting sick people better and if someone wants to carry a card (like a donor card) stating that they'd rather have their partner in their hospital room than their estranged mother or father who rejected them for two decades, so be it.

[deaniac21]

10. I don't think medfilght's allow anyone other than the patient.

[dflprincess]

18. That was true when my cousin was flown into Minneapolis from rural Minnesota

her husband and my aunt drove to the city. I think with small children they may let one parent on board, but that may depend on just what the situation is.

[AdHocSolver]

36. Helicopters and airplanes have weight and balance requiremeents to be safely flown. n/t

[Chulanowa]

3. Hospital stays count?!

Maybe I'm just jaded - the notion of one's SO being barred from seeing you in the hospital is pretty much a given (granted, it SHOULDN'T be, not at all) and what stood out to me was that notion, that your insurance plan is rigged to fall apart exactly when you would most need it.

I don't think anyone in our boat on the right is "living the dream," readmoreoften. I think they're just as fucked as the rest of us. It's about class. And we're just the fucking proles.

[Iris]

4. "Who EXACTLY is included in the American system anymore?"

Good question. And I also wonder why it is that grown adults cannot say who will accompany them into a hospital.

[w8liftinglady]

5. If it's any consolation,I wouldn't keep you from seeing her

...and I honestly believe my co-workers wouldn't either.Try to get her to seek some help-it may be something mild,but why worry?

[bkkyosemite]

6. Is there something contractual that you can do to make sure you are allowed to stay with her in a

situation she fears could happen. Power of attorney over her health etc... Not a lawyer but my sister before she married her husband was so scared when he had a mild stroke. She was allowed in the hospital but would not have any say. They went to a lawyer and discussed power of attorney etc.

[readmoreoften]

8. No. Nothing can be done. It's hospital policy or it isn't. /nt

[TBF]

7. I'm sorry to hear that, although it might not be so bad in your part

of the state (in terms of someone letting you in to see her). It shouldn't be this way. You'd think with all the bitching & moaning from people about "not having government involved" in our lives that they'd stay out of our bedrooms (and hospital rooms) as well.

[readmoreoften]

9. Might be. Might not be. It's the "who knows" that keeps us all terrified tho, right? /nt

[KittyWampus]

11. How does going to the doctor for a DIAGNOSIS= her not being able to see you?

You get an appointment with a gynecologist or qualified nurse practitioner who does a pelvic exam, takes a blood sample, and schedules an ultrasound to check for a cyst or follicle or fibroid.

None of which would, in any universe, involve her not being able to see you.

Going to an emergency room if she really thought it was appendix also wouldn't involve her not being able to see you, except for when they took her in for any testing.

[unblock]

12. as for the emts not letting you ride --

when i was an emt we were officially forbidden to let ANY non-essential people ride in the back. only patients, emts, and if needed, police.

at times we let a family member ride up front. we weren't supposed to, but if we judged it safe enough, we broke that rule. your best bet here is to tell them when they arrive, "i have all her medical, personal, and insurance information and can help fill out forms while en route to the hospital, can we please get going right away?" if the information is all in your head, so much the better as for getting that ride, though i have to recommend writing it all down and storing it in a place where you can just grab and go as a matter of her safety.

note that when i say "family member", no one on my squad ever cared or questioned actual relationships. anyone at the scene is a potential source or information and/or a potential source of danger, and an emt judges accordingly. the typical question to ask is "does anyone here know if the patient has any allergies or previous medical history," not "are you legally married under state law. by and large, emts are gathering medical information, not disseminating it, so the concerns about privacy and so on don't play as big a role as they do once you're at the hospital.

once you're at the hospital, that's where they can start being real jerks about legal family members under state law and such.

[cbc5g]

13. Could be Crohn's Disease - I had similar symptoms and thought it was appendicitis

Definitely get her checked out. I think what caused mine was a gluten allergy.

[Libertyfirst]

14. First step, have you each made the others' legal health power of attorney.

[knitter4democracy]

15. It might have been appendicitis. Mine was.

I had it for ten years. It was misdiagnosed as endometriosis and missed by 8 doctors. I never got the fever or the high white cell count, but when the pain was at its worst, I usually had an ovarian cyst at the same time.

Tell her this: if it comes back, she should go in and get a CT. Most of the time, they don't operate on ovarian cysts (they never did with mine). It's a wait-and-see game: if it goes away in three months (or less--depends on the doctor), then they'll think about operating. If it's appendicitis, that sucker needs to come out. She really doesn't want to go through what I did.

[OHDEM]

16. What you want are LEGAL rights and there is NO basis to deny you...

or anyone else! :mad:

When will everyone truly be free in America?

[BuyingThyme]

17. While you may not technically have a right to visit your partner,

I suspect the chances are pretty good that you would be able to.

I've visited people I don't even know.

[orleans]

19. when it comes down to something so serious and the thing keeping

her from getting treatment is the fear of being separated from you--well, my advice is simple: lie. tell hospital personnel you're sisters, half sisters, cousins, whatever you have to tell them to stay together. what are they gonna do? run a check? i doubt it. when it comes to a possible life/death situation don't let their moronish rules prevent you from getting help.

i really wonder what the hell has happened to people. twenty five years ago my partner and i took her daughter to the e.r. and no one told me i couldn't be there because i wasn't the girl's biological mother.

anyway--i can't address the financials but as far as the fear of not being "related" i would simply lie--how would they ever know? (fuck them)

[applegrove]

20. So sorry for you.

[donheld]

21. .

:hug:

[Horse with no Name]

22. I know that this happens in many corners of this country

But fortunately, THIS nurse and the ones I have worked with over the years...would not keep a couple apart UNLESS the sick person's family was creating a fuss--then it is the law to abide their wishes. Sadly.
If I had to pick ONE good reason for equal rights(and I shake my head sadly that I even typed that), then it would be for patient rights.
It makes no sense that someone's handpicked partner has no input on care, yet an estranged parent does.:(

[LisaL]

23. I am sorry but somebody not going to see a doctor

because she might not be able to see you? I presume she is an adult. How does she even know she'd need surgery unless she goes to the doctor for a diagnosis? And if she were to have an appendicitis and it burst, then she could die from peritonitis.

[riderinthestorm]

24. Now that the crisis has passed, I presume you made an appt with her doctor?

Not to be alarmist, but there's a lot of serious conditions that warrant a visit to the doctor after an episode of presumed appendicitis. It may actually BE appendicitis (in which case you don't want it to escalate to some kind of bursting point) but more importantly, there are a whole slew of other conditions that are very serious and warrant some investigating after this attack.

I took my husband to the ER for presumed appendicitis. Turns out it was a grapefruit sized tumor in his abdomen pressing on his ureter. Stage IV, Grade IV lymphoma. He's successfully in remission and we never had to go to the hospital again (thus avoiding your SO's nightmare scenario). Our marital status, or lack thereof, would have made no difference in his ultimate treatment and care (it's not a surgical condition).

BUT that we went, ensured he lives today.

Please take your SO to the doc. You just don't know what has caused this painful episode. And you need to know. As with us, the hospital and their shitty rules would never have applied so you never know.

Hugs all around. :hug:

[SeattleGirl]

25. Do you know for certain that you would not be allowed in to see your

partner, if she were in the hospital?

I ask because I know it's not the same across the board at all hospitals. I've been in to see friends when they were hospitalized, and was never challenged as to my relationship with that person. This was both in Oregon and Washington. Again, I know it's different in different hospitals, but I think it would be good to find out what your particular hospital's policy is, if you aren't sure.

I understand your partner's fear that the two of you could be separated, but I also hate to think of her possibly being rather ill and not getting things taken care of.

As to your specific question, I really wish I knew. The way people are treated (and I don't mean medically treated) in this country is horrendous. The point of the insurance companies is to deny people the care they need, which sucks, sucks, sucks!

[Fire_Medic_Dave]

26. What hospital doesn't allow visitors?

[mitchtv]

27. A nurse at Stanford tried to deny my partner a visit to me

Fortunately, My doctor came along and over ruled. Pretty tough after driving from 100+ miled. Yes , they will try if they think the can.

[SeattleGirl]

28. Do you have any idea if it was hospital policy, or just a stick-up-her-ass

nurse who thought she could throw her weight around?

If it IS hospital, than absolute shame on them.

If it was just the nurse, first, thank goodness the doc came along and overruled her, and second, I would want to file a formal complaint against her.

[mitchtv]

30. Partner is MexAm

All hospitals try to restrict ICU or at least have the policy, family only. Maybe she was scared of a Mexican! Oh they really jumped when I cried EOC there were some pretty hateful comments made about me , but out of my sight.

[Fire_Medic_Dave]

34. Restricting ICU's is a good idea. Powers of attorney really help in cases like this.

[mitchtv]

40. certainly, but why only challenge Gays for POA?

You know it's true.

[Fire_Medic_Dave]

42. They only can challenge gays for POA because of the state of flux of gay marriage.

I'm not saying that it's right to limit access to couples of any status only that it is prudent of gay couples to have a POA to avoid problems like this. Hope that clarifies.

David

[mitchtv]

43. It will be prudent for the Hospital to be very very careful

who they fuck with too. Pulling shit can get expensive This is not FLA.

[Fire_Medic_Dave]

44. I would give them advice not to screw with any significant other regardless.

[Fire_Medic_Dave]

29. I've never seen a hospital deny visitors in places other than the ER, ICU and CCU.

I did have an inhospitable stay with my mom in a hospital in Atlanta. I had to sleep on a tile floor for 2 nights. All the hospitals here have chairs that turn into beds. I stayed with my dad in the hospital almost a month. Of course my profession probably eliminates any problems I would have.

David

[undergroundpanther]

31. Yeah

I am so sorry for you and your girlfriend/wife's situation. I hope whatever it is she gets better WITH you there.
I swear these fucking bigots will have to stop their bullshit one way or another.Too many people see through their shit,and yet there are too many goddamn sociopaths and narcissistic pieces of shit in this world standing in the way of good people doing good things.. I wonder when good people will have have enough crap out of the right wingers and decide to organize and rise up against the exploiter class,and rid this country of the bullies and bigoted. I hope the old,"traditional" christo-nazi, pasty white,control freak and conservative generation dies off really soon.I am sick of them and their desperate controlling ,greedy,self serving,attempts to hold everyone else back in time,so they can feel in control of everyone else's life. Hopefully after all is done there will be a dramatic reduction in the numbers,power, and amounts in the bank accounts of the bigoted,generational rich,corporate parasites, the sociopaths,narcissists,
authoritarians,religious fanatic, heartless selfish assholes, abusers and the social frameworks that tolerate them that for too long have infested and held back the good things in this world.

[roody]

32. Judges and legislators are doing well financially.

[ThomCat]

33. I wish I could offer more than just empathy and sympathy.

:(

:hug:

I hope somehow, sometime soon we start to see changes that make all of this better for us. We need real access to real health care. We need real rights to identify our own loved ones, and not be overruled by people with arbitrary authority and bad attitudes.

But I don't know how we're going to get there. And I really don't think we're going to even start the journey under the current administration. :(

[AdHocSolver]

35. Another possible cause could be infected gall bladder. An ultrasound would verify that as a cause.

An ultrasound takes about an hour or two and could be scheduled for a time when your partner is not at work.

Nowadays, gall bladder removal can be done laparoscopically, and recovery is very fast. The other possible surgeries you mentioned may be done laparoscopically also. Judicious planning by your doctor and hospital, to take advantage of a weekend, could enable your partner to get surgery and not miss much work. I don't doubt that the doctor and hospital would want to have your partner keep her insurance so they should be agreeable to plan accordingly. It would depend on how well organized the doctor and hospital were. My suggestion would be to find a good GP who can be your advocate rather than just showing up at a hospital.

So long as your partner's job doesn't require any strenuous physical activity, she could take off Friday, enter the hospital Thursday evening, schedule surgery Friday morning, go home Sunday, take Monday and Tuesday off and be back to work by Wednesday.

I am not implying that this is ideal, but an infected gall bladder can rupture like an inflamed appendix with equally devastating results. Another possibility is a kidney stone. She should at least find out what she is dealing with.

Most hospitals have liberal visiting hours and will accommodate the patient. As another poster suggested, tell them you are a cousin. It is not likely they well question it.

Your partner has a worse problem than not having you with her 24/7 should she need surgery. If she needs surgery and doesn't get it, her long term health could be in serious jeopardy. While your insurance doesn't sound like a great policy, you said its the first insurance you have had in years. It comes at a time when she may need it, and who knows how long it will last? This is a real dilemma, and another reason why this country desperately needs health care reform.

[REP]

37. No operation for ruptured ovarian cyst

I sympathize with your plight, but they don't operate for a ruptured cyst; only ovarian torsions and there's lots of vomiting with torsions and appendicitis.

The law is wrong. Another reason to be an informed patient.

[Vidar]

38. Kudos to you & your partner. That is real devotion. When elections

don't work, maybe it's time for another revolution.

[LibertyLover]

39. My husband had similar symptoms a few years ago that led

to him being sent to the ER by the nurse practitioner at his doctor's office. It turned out to be a combination of irritable bowel syndrome and gastroenteritis. I understand her fears, but please try to get her to see a doctor so that a diagnosis can be made and she can be treated and then not have to worry about you being turned away.

[Evoman]

41. Tough partner. When I had my kidney stone, I would have sold all my family to slavery for a shot of

morphine.

[Maru Kitteh]

45. Unique and diverse coalitions are converging to fight for your human rights - BUT - you have to deal

you and your wife need to deal with her health issue RIGHT NOW. Ask your friends and family for suggestions and start by going to a trusted doctor. Speak with him/her about policies in area hospitals and work out agreements. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at what may be accomplished and how flexible and compassionate most providers and institutions can be.

While you are doing this, tie up as many of the legal angles as you can, as others have suggested. POA, all that stuff.

Hang in there. I firmly believe that the undeniable truth that marriage equality is a HUMAN right will prevail. I know it will. I just don't know how long it will be.


:hug:

Now go take care of her and make her GO SEE A HEALTHCARE PROVIDER.

[EFerrari]

46. This story just about kills me.

I've known a lot of people who couldn't go to the hospital but it's never been because they'd be deprived of their FAMILY. :grr: