GOP unveils health care plan

[SoxFan]

[billac]

1. This might be more efficacious

I ran across some information about something called "Dr. Goodbody's Total Goodbody System". I don't know if it's for real or not (and I do have some doubts) but I have to admit it does sound interesting.

Anyway, it's supposed to be "such a revolutionary and completely natural way to eliiminate all of your health problems that it is quite common for people to feel frightened before using it and to feel disoriented and more frightened afterward."

They go on to say that if you take it, before calling their customer-service line or 911, you should sit down, drink eight glasses of water, and read some of their responses to the following testimonials, allegedly submitted by "satisfied" customers "just like yourself".

Testimonials:

$750 for a thirty-day supply? That's $25 a pill. Isn't that a lot of money? - J. Lowell, Charlottesville, Va.

Not when you consider that that comes to just about a dollar an hour-- a dollar for an hour free of all your pains and complaints. Wouldn't you pay a dollar to feel like a million bucks? You'd have to be crazy not to.

And it's not merely a "pill." Each Dr. Goodbody's Total Goodbody System daily bolus contains the entire line of Dr. Goodbody Solutions, including ColoRooter, BloodFlush, TumorStopper, and several other remedies that are no longer available in most states. That's why each pill weighs nearly three ounces, and why we recommend that you take it with eight glasses of water and the supplied lubricant.

My doctor has strongly warned me against trying your system, and told me not to come crying to him when my insides fall out. - C. Mazin, Brooklyn, N.Y.

Of course your doctor would say that.

I have been taking my daily bolus with eight glasses of water for three weeks now and I have seen none of the results graphically depicted on your Web site. Instead I have gained nearly sixty pounds and have become so bloated I no longer have fingerprints. What am I doing wrong? - T. O'Donnell, Sherman Oaks, Calif.

You need to increase the size of the glasses of water. But keep the total number of glasses to eight.

I smell burning hair. - D. Meyer, Midison, Wis.

That means it's working. Other evidence that Dr. Goodbody's Total Goodbody System is detoxcleansing, immunoblasting, and revitaboosting your insides includes: headaches, nausea, vomiting, vomiting from places other than your mouth, tiny voices, rapidly cycling hypo-and hypertension resulting in staggering about with protruding eyeballs, cacophonous bowel sounds, muscle and joint pain that feels like slow roasting, inability to urinate, inability to cease urinating, sudden double-jointedness, cottonmouth mouth, itching in an unreachable location, athlete's face, knee sap, extremely offensive odor that smells like strawberries to you, undead feeling, migrating love handles, reverse vertigo, craving for bees and other sweet insects, Jolie lips, full-body sloughing, jazz hands, visible bubbles in the blood, eye hair, abdominal rash that spells "LET ME OUT", uncontrollable urge to contact attorneys, laughing buttocks, and a blinding but oddly comforting white light.

If the burning-hair smell continues for more than a day, and your hair is not actually burning (which happens in only a small number of cases), there is a very slight possibility that you are having a stroke. If so, please seek help immediately by going online and ordering Dr. Goodbody's BrainReboot. Choose overnight shipping.

I think I just passed my spine. -J. Turman, Bangor, Me.

That was your old spine. Rest assured that Dr. Goodbody's all-natural nanobiotic healthnauts are busily constructing a new spine for you, with fresh disks and state-of-the-art wiring. We think you're going to like it a lot. Do not be alarmed if, at first, your new spine feels somewhat gelatinous. This is a great time to try out all those frustrating yoga positions!

No one is answering the guaranteed-money-back hot line. -M. Givalry, Lancaster, Calif.

All our operators are busy taking testimonials from satisfied customers like yourself. Or they be in the bathroom. We recommend that you drink eight glasses of water and stay on the line for as long as you can.

[SoxFan]

4. Awesome! Call Billy Mays and get me some!

[Touchdown]

2. LOL!

:spray:

[Creena]

3. I said, HEAL!

[FLAprogressive]

5. I thought it was just "don't get sick."

[ColbertWatcher]

6. I thought it was pray and tithe. n/t