Chicken-Shit Asteroid Veers Away At Last Minute

[kentuck]

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/chicken_shit_asteroid_veers_away

<snip>
TUCSON, AZ—Though initial calculations showed it to be on a direct collision course with Earth, a pansy-ass asteroid approximately the size of Rhode Island has instead altered its trajectory to avoid the planet by more than 40,000 miles, astronomers at the University of Arizona reported Monday.

This wuss missed the Earth by a long shot.

"Guess it just didn't have the spuds to go through with it," Richard A. Kowalski of the school's Catalina Sky Survey said. "Real big surprise. Maybe you can try again when you accrete a little more mass than 6.32 x 1015 kilograms, okay? Chicken-shit."

Kowalski said that one month ago Asteroid 2009-XG2—nicknamed "Old Limp Dick"—was following a path that, even accounting for heat friction and gravitational pull from other celestial bodies, gave it a 97 percent chance of striking Earth. Further observation and calculations, however, indicated that the asteroid would instead tuck its balls between its legs and change its course by more than 22 degrees.

"This potential extinction-level event turned out to be a puss-out of cosmic proportions," Kowalski said. "Earth didn't even flinch. You know what, why don't you give it another go, little guy? Huh? You can even take a free shot at the moon to warm up."

Scientists in this observatory used a high-powered telescope to track the asteroid's path right to the point of its monumental puss-out.

After a brief pause Kowalski added, "That's what I thought."

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[Drunken Irishman]

1. It saw how Pres. Obama handled the pirates situation and decided it'd take its chance with Mars.

[rateyes]

2. I didn't know they nicknamed that "ASS"teroid after Cheney.

Learn something new every day.

[Subdivisions]

3. Wow. I never thought we'd ever see an asteroid that's an even bigger pussy

than 6489 Golevka."

Goddamn chicken-shit planetoid indeed.