The man won the damn Oscar, gave the best speech of the night, and this was his father's reaction

[dsc]

http://www.advocate.com/issue_story_ektid81028.asp

But not everyone has come around. “Mostly it’s the judgment of silence (from my father),” who is Mormon. But after the Oscars, he says, “I got one letter from a cousin or something (of my father’s) expressing the great shame I’ve brought to our family.” Black’s voice softens to a whisper as he swallows his emotions. “I was disappointed by that.”

end of quote

Think about this for a second, the man wins the mother fucking Oscar, gives an amazing speech to a billion people, and his father is silent and his cousins say he brought shame to his family. That in a nut shell is what every gay person faces in potential when they discover they are gay. The man won the Oscar and he still isn't good enough for them. What mere teen has a chance?

On edit I want to point out that his mother, after a journey, has been great as the article makes clear.
second edit restoring words that were left off first time.

[imdjh]

1. Family values n/t

[lunatica]

2. His family is stupid and lose much more than he does in the bargain

Lots of people have families that are miserable and dysfunctional. I have one and the best thing I ever did about it was to acknowledge it and move on with my own life. It's sad but it's also a life lesson and affords you a choice about the type of person you choose to be.

[Tikki]

3. This from a girl of the 60's....

Without Lance Black's voice many a young gay teen would still be waiting...

Yuck about the parents/family...they sound like they are
wrapped up tight...not much you can do about that except
go on living your own exemplary life.

Tikki

[auntAgonist]

4. Thanks for that link!

He's a fine role model and I think a lot of teens will look up to him. His mother stands by him through it all. It didn't say much about his step-father though (?) I hope he's supportive.

aA

[liberalhistorian]

5. His idiot father has no goddamn room to talk. According to

the article, he "literally vanished" when Black was little and his mother raised him and two brothers on welfare before and between her two remarriages. He played no part in his life growing up, so FUCK him if he's got a bee in his hypocritical bonnet about Black's not fitting into his "family values."

[dsc]

6. Oh I wholly agree

that 'father' is worthless but it clearly still smarts.

[msongs]

7. hate groups and cults maintain control by shunning members who dare to violate the code nt

[Triana]

8. His dad (ie: SPERM DONOR) has some gall to even say anything to the guy at this point..

...he ought to just disappear ans STFU - kind of like he did when Black was a kid. To surface now just to slap him in the face on one of the proudest nights of his life? E V I L.

[hfojvt]

13. it was 'not saying anything' that is the complaint

quote from the OP

"Mostly it’s the judgment of silence (from my father),”

[Triana]

26. "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"

Maybe his dad just couldn't find anything nice to say. His cousins either, apparently - but they were too stupid to keep their mouths shut.

[Beam Me Up]

9. I had to cut off most contact with my fundy family.

It is a very long story I won't go into. My father, in particular, guilt tripped me continuously. He disapproved of my career (in the arts), he disapproved of my intelligence (which he found threatening and belittled), he disapproved of my political orientation (I opposed the Vietnam war), my use of marijuana (the devils weed), he disapproved of my questioning of the Bible -- on and on and on. On the occasion of his 84th birthday when I was age 40 and hadn't married, he came up to me, put his big hands on my shoulders and, with tears in his eyes, said, "You are the biggest disappointment of my life." You have to understand, I had not -- and never did -- come out to him or my mother or my siblings as gay. Why would I? It had taken me a large part of my adult life to accept that in myself, I sure as hell wasn't going to give them ONE MORE piece of ammunition to demean me. What would be the point? It was only after the parents were gone and my long time partner had died that I finally came out to my sisters and nieces and nephews (who were adults by this time). A few of the latter took it in stride, in fact I have a gay grand-nephew, but mostly it just confirmed their already established suspicions and prejudices. For all practical purposes I have no family (other than one I assembled myself), never have had and never will have. And yes, especially as a teenager and a young adult, I considered suicide many times. ESCAPING from my family and the rural mid-western society I'd grown up in and eventually finding professional help and building a community of people around me is what saved my life.

Bigotry. That is all it is. It destroys people, families, communities. So far as I can see there is NO justification for it, even in the Bible, really. It is prejudice, pure and simple. Why anyone would care what I do in private with my body with another consenting adult is beyond my comprehension. A family who can not accept one of their members sexual preference is NOT A FAMILY so far as I'm concerned. Why would I want to subject myself or that of my lover to their ignorant prejudice? I don't need their approval to live a healthy, happy, fulfilling life. It would be nice, yes. I *wish* I had had a supportive family. Would have made my life, especially my early life, a LOT easier. It would have saved me from years of emotional pain and feelings of guilt and shame with which I had to deal with and ultimately overcome. I've have to live with the scars of emotional abuse, every bit as damaging as physical abuse but invisible except to the educated eye. We live in a very SICK world but as I've grown older I've come to understand that the sickness is in all of us -- and it isn't limited only to prejudice against sexuality or religion or race or class. It goes much, much deeper.

[monmouth]

10. I wish I could give your post 100 recs. Beautiful....n/t

[lunatica]

12. Wow! You wrote a whole book in two paragraphs. And I agree with you

I'm glad to see you actually worked through the emotional and psychic abuse to come out the other end so far ahead of everyone in your family. In their ignorance and hatred they don't know what they've lost.

Seriously though, you could flesh your story out into a novel and help a lot of people regardless of their sexuality

[Beam Me Up]

17. You have no idea.

Lets say I've thought about writing such a novel. I have quite a few interesting "stories" to tell. The day I was to have been baptized at age 12, the church burned to the ground (for example). Then there is the time my father used me for target practice with his 22 rifle: "Boy, why don't you go over there and stand on that stump, put the tin can on your head and let me see if I can shoot it off." I wish I could say I was making this stuff up -- I'm not.

On the other hand, I'm not trained as a writer. You wouldn't believe the educational background I come from (I went from rural nearly 'one room' school house grammar school to an 'experimental' public high school with a population of over 1,000 students -- and I dropped out of college in 1967 and never went back). I know, I write fairly well now at age 60+ but up into my mid twenties I could not construct a coherent sentence, much less an entire paragraph. It wasn't until I began hanging out in chat-rooms, forums and composing long, "shaggy dog story" emails that I became able to compose my thoughts at all. Oh, and I mustn't forget the importance of spell-catcher software! I hear I'm a good writer and I believe that to some extent. But I am an artist already (visual, painting) and I know that being able to string words together in a more or less coherent fashion isn't enough. There is a whole other conceptual level where in the story takes shape and finds its meaningful structure. Yes, I can write an interesting forum post -- but a novel? AH -- THAT would require real discipline and real work and then I wouldn't have time to READ and WRITE on the internet!

Thanks, though. Support appreciated. It isn't out of the question but it isn't my primary focus. What is the latter? Doing everything in my very limited power to expose the moral and ethical corruption within the national security state. Maybe when I'm 80 I'll write the novel.

[lunatica]

18. Try writing short stories which can be any length

And you can go to a Junior College to take adult courses in anything. I went for writing and for painting and sculpture. It was the most productive and creative time of my life.

[Creideiki]

35. Or look at "To Kill a Mockingbird", "Fried Green Tomatoes", or "Dandelion Wine"

They're essentially a series of short stories that have characters threaded through them. It's possible to write a novel by writing a series of short stories and find the common threads to string them together.

[glitch]

42. You can do it.

You've already lived it, you can write it. I say this as someone who admires writers. Your words I can read, easily. Think about it.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

70. Listen to me -

and listen good, because I know what I'm talking about.

You're a writer. You're a very, very good writer. You've obviously got a great big fat talent. But writing takes experience and discipline, and while I'm pretty sure you've got it in your painting work, the rigors of writing are so different.

I know this, because I'm a writer. A novelist. The published kind. The kind who gets paid by real NY publishers. So, listen to what I'm telling you, please.

The art of writing, beyond the mechanics, cannot be taught. Unlike, say, painting, where technique can be studied, writing cannot - this is my belief - be taught. Voice, which is what makes one writer's work different from another's, is completely subjective and unique. You have a voice that needs to be refined, but that will come with time and experience and lots of reading - the classics, the great American writers, not Stephen King - and practice, practice, practice. Write letters - that's what I always did, without realizing that I was honing my storytelling skills.

When you're ready, you'll write. If you're truly a writer, you won't be able NOT to write. And, by then, you'll have your story, you'll have your voice, and - I hope - you'll have your discipline.

In the meantime, live your life and have as much fun as possible. That's what makes a good writer - experience, taking it all in, savoring it, living it. Forget taking courses - just read the good stuff and have fun.

FYI, I never took a writing course in my life, never even read a book on writing, but I wrote a novel for a variety of reasons while I was preparing for what would turn out to be the last trial of my legal career, and when the time came, a great big publisher paid me a lot of money for it. It was published almost exactly as I had written it, albeit one hundred pages had been excised, and some bridge scenes had to be written, at the very brilliant suggestion of my editor - who knew what she was doing.

So, either you've got it or you don't. You've got it.

Good luck .................

[Fumesucker]

20. Well said..

I enjoyed reading your post and you certainly packed a lot of emotion into a small number of words..

[grace0418]

21. Beam Me Up...

:hug: I don't know what to say. I'm sorry your father said those words to you, how horrible. What a sad, sick man he must've been. I'm so glad you survived, but I'm sorry you had to endure that.

[alphafemale]

22. I take comfort in my "self-assembled" family, too.

Except for my mother, my family didn't display any outright hostility toward me. For the most part they just weren't there. I am a much younger child by far than my siblings and my two older sisters were both out of the house before I was a year old. My brother left for college when I was 6 and even before an older teen boy is obviously not going to be interested in spending time with a baby sister.

My father was there, but he wasn't. He would sit at the kitchen table for endless hours playing solitaire. He wore the ink of countless decks of cards. I know now that he was probably mired in depression so deep he knew no way out.

[Beam Me Up]

24. This is one of the reasons the gay marriage issue is so important.

To be honest, I didn't "get" that until just a couple years ago. I began self-identifying as gay in 1967 but it still took almost another 20 years for me to thoroughly accept my sexuality. Although if asked I would say I was gay (not bisexual) I was in a monogamous heterosexual relationship from 1975 to 1986. This self-identification confused our mutual friends to no end but it was very clear to me. Had I not loved (and still do) the woman I lived with, it would have been impossible. I was extremely homophobic in the sense that I found it very difficult to relate to other gay men and gay culture in general which, to me, seemed excessively cliquish, fixated on sex and inherently self-destructive. Lesbians were different in that respect -- I had (still have) several very close lesbian friends. The concept of "marriage" (of any kind) just seemed silly to me. I saw so many unhealthy relationships regardless of orientation I just couldn't grasp the concept.

At a certain point, especially after the AIDS crisis (and after years of therapy), I needed to make a change. I fond a gay culture much more interested in communication and introspection. In retrospect, my years of monogamous cohabitation with a woman probably saved my life. When we separated I was well aware of the risks and necessity for protection and remain HIV- (even though my last long-term partner was HIV+). Still, it has taken a long time for me to understand why gay marriage is so important. It isn't just that two people who love one another ought to have the right to build lasting relationships and family. It is that but much more than that -- and I think this is the primary reason it is so strongly resisted by some people. It isn't that it is a threat to the so called "sanctity of marriage" (which is a joke), what it is is a sociological shift away from SEX as the primary focus of what it means to be "gay" toward intimacy. This is an enormously important paradigm shift in terms of social perception.

We share that "youngest" family position. Both my parents were in their forties when I was born. My sisters 10 and 15 years my senior and the oldest, a brother, 20 years my senior. I wasn't merely an afterthought, I was an accident. I suspect, had I not been the intelligent, curious. creative "from another planet" individual that I am, had I been a mailable piece of pillsbury doe boy, I would have 'fit' right in. As it was, I was quickly identified as a "threat" to the well-established family dynamic that thrived on fear, shame, guilt and denial.

[alphafemale]

36. I think the basic legality - property rights / health decisions should be a no brainer

I'm not sure the "state" can much longer define what a "marriage" is.

I think that clause in the constitution "where contracts valid in one state MUST be honored in another" is going to rip this issue wide open.

My sisters are 18 and 22 years older than me. My brother is 11 years older.

My mothers favorite thing to say to me was that I was a mistake and she should have had an abortion. I was constantly reminded I was neither smart nor pretty enough, and she had scraped the bottom of her uterus and come up with a useless human.

I eventually learned that wasn't true...btw
There were some hellacious years where my self esteem was in the toilet...and yeah. I looked pretty fukin bad.

But that changed.

As a matter of fact...I, at this momentin my 40ish years, have a beautiful, toned boyfriend about 12 yrs my junior who seems to think I am pretty hot stuff.

I am smart enough.

I am beautiful enough.

But god dammit mama.

You were an insufferable bitch.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

49. Yes, it's the full faith and credit clause.

A gay couple married in Iowa, for example, will move to a state that does not recognize gay marriage. Bingo!That state HAS to recognize the marriage.

Also, the gay couples married in California, got their marriages revoked. What status do they have since that is against the ex post facto clause of the Constitution?

And then there's the 14th Amendment -- due process and equal protection.

And the right of privacy in marital and family matters -- which was extended to interracial marriage in Loving v. Virginia.

That's five different reasons right there that gay marriage should be legal in all 50 states and D.C.

[alphafemale]

56. Exactly. So far as I can tell, all someone has to do is file suit along those lines.

I really don't see anyway it could fail so long as the Constitution was upheld.

I also believe this is why the religious bigots are pushing so hard to get an Amendment defining marriage as between a man and a woman. It's the only thing that will nullify that clause.

Thankfully, passing ANY Amendment, let alone one so heinous, is a very difficult thing.

[Beam Me Up]

27. Oh, and the depression ...

Yes, my dad was depressed, too. Depressed, angry and controlling. He was very upset by my mother's pregnancy with me. As an adult I was told by one of my sisters that his reaction to the news of her pregnancy was accusatory: "Whose kid is it?!" It was a shock to learn this but it fits right in. It wasn't so much a genuine accusation (if anything, my mother was more apt to have been a closet lesbian) as an expression of his frustration. I think he was looking forward to all the "competition" growing up and getting out of the house so he could have my mother's attention all for himself. I knew he hated me but I didn't know why. By the way, this was told to me as an adult by my sister in front of my mother who denied it vehemently (denial was her modus) and this is why I don't doubt its truth. If my sister had told me this any other way I might have doubted her sincerity. The two of them even argued about it at the time. Sis was quite adamant.

Some of my earliest memories are of being depressed. Of course I didn't know to call it that. I would literally isolate for hours at a time, hiding under the covers in a fetal position hoping to shrink back into the primordial darkness of non-being. I hated everyone, myself included -- and this was years before any clear sense of sexual feeling had emerged. Depression, a sense of helplessness and the self-destructive rage behind it, is a real killer. It drives people to drugs, alcohol, self and other abuse -- a kind of emotional prison that seems to leave no way out. I was VERY very fortunate to find the help I needed to learn to cope with it. I don't use meds (other than pot and even that only occasionally) and it is an on-going problem but it doesn't rule my life.

[Karenina]

39. For you:

:hug: And if I may be so presumptuous, :grouphug:

[Lorien]

29. I think it's more than just bigotry; their own personal issues are tied up

in it as well. I was told much the same by my mother early on because I was an unwanted pregnancy in a time when their was no choice. I was her "shame", "The living embodiment of all my mistakes" she said. She claimed that I was "Not part of God's plan, so you will never have your own family and you were not meant to have friends". She loves me in her own fashion, but we've never really been family. Like you, I've never felt that sense of family and have felt suicidal for much of my life because of the guilt and shame they placed on me from an early age-but in reality it all came from their OWN issues and problems, not ours. Neither you nor I ever deserved any of it, though both of us will probably always fight with those feelings of guilt and the deep emotional scars that that kind of abuse brings. That longing for approval and family is hard to let go of, I know.

:hug:

[Lex]

32. beautifully said

and I sadly know many GLBT people who had to resort to what you described here:

"For all practical purposes I have no family (other than one I assembled myself) . . . "

:hug:

[bmbmd]

53. And that is a beautiful sentiment.

To assemble one's own family, to succeed as a human being in the face of such adversity-that is the mark of an overcomer.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

37. .....

I hope you don't mind-- I just have to: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[NuttyFluffers]

51. the comeback to that line "you are my biggest disappointment" is "and you, too, are mine"

FYI for any other child who has been denied love by a hate filled family.

[Enthusiast]

52. +1 to you, Beam Me Up!

Nice post. I've seen this bigotry first hand. It's an ugly thing.

[onlyadream]

54. This is really sad, I'm sorry you had to live like that...

I hate judgemental people.

[sarcasmo]

11. Who needs enemies when you have family.

[cali]

14. fortunately not every gay or lesb ian kid does potentially

face rejection from their families.

[dsc]

15. actually we nearly all do face the potential

unless we have gay parents or a gay sibling who comes out before us, we do face the potential, what we fortunately don't face all the time is the reality of it.

[LostinVA]

28. Chastity Bono did, from a very gay-friendly mother

Her Freeper father voting against her rights? Not a surprise.

[Lex]

33. Yes, every GLBT person does "potentially" face rejection

unless perhaps they have a GLBT parent themselves, or have no family at all.

Even the most liberal/progressive parents have been known to have the NIMBY-esque reaction to a child coming out.

[Occulus]

43. Actually, you're dead wrong. n/t

[mzmolly]

16. How very sad. Brought shame?

Quite the contrary.

[KittyWampus]

19. Reading the WHOLE article, he's got surrogate family. Father figures, mentors. You know I had

such a painful childhood too. Not gay, but there were various issues. And I have learned to use the past and let the pain go. And found my own surrogate family.

That's a part of growing up.

Realizing that sometimes our blood relatives can be hurtful and that there's a whole human race out there we can connect with.

[CoffeeCat]

23. Very succinct and very beautiful...

I cut off most of my toxic family of origin seven years ago, and what you say is so true.

Thank you for saying it so well.

:)

[Stinky The Clown]

25. Some people don't deserve their kids

[Mari333]

30. I'll adopt him!!! nt

[Wednesdays]

31. K&R

:kick:

[Prophet 451]

34. Poor sod

Some people will never come around. I still think that the Oscar should have gone to Rourke (no disrespect to Penn but I thought Rourke's performance was very slightly better) but Penn was superb and his family's pigheadedness only serves to emphasise how far there is still to go (and how unhealthy fanatical religion is).

[JerseygirlCT]

38. The amount of fear and loathing

the man must have in order to turn away from his child baffles me.

I cannot understand it at all.

[Sabriel]

40. Thanks for posting this

I didn't realize the Big Love duo were partners. Even better.

[Political Heretic]

41. Really good, sobering OP.

[Deep13]

44. What a fucking idiot. nt

[BobTheSubgenius]

45. Inspirational and desperately sad at the same time.

Much more impact than the story that this reminded me of - Matt Damon and Ben Affleck writing Good Will Hunting. A lot of lessons in DLB's story.

[bluedawg12]

46. Saw his wonderful speech and the acclaim for his work, there should only be pride in that family.

[tomm2thumbs]

47. can't teach a pig how to sing - only wastes your time and annoys the pig... (pig=bigots)

whether they learned it from friends, were taught it at home, or grew up in a town full of it and absorbed it - a bigot is still a bigot

if a bigot's opinion matters to you, then what they think should bother you - otherwise, move onward and upward because a bigot's work is never done...

but YOU CAN be done with THEM

[livefreest]

48. K&R

[sandyj999]

50. All in the name of religion. n/t

[wellstone dem]

55. I guess I understand a little more now why my daughter keeps

thanking me for being so "cool" about her girl friend. "I tell all my friend you said, 'I just want you to find someone who will love you for who you are and who will help you grow to be an even better woman.'"

Your stories are heartbreaking, and I will call my daughter this Mother's Day, and tell her again how much I love her, and tell her again that she is the best part of my great life.

[Pacifist Patriot]

57. Just saw his picture which provides further evidence to me.

If there is such a thing as a gay gene it seems to go hand in hand with a "damned fine looking" gene as well. Horribly shallow and generalizing, but is it just me or are gays disproportionately physically handsome and beautiful compared to straights? Yesterday I met with a lesbian couple I am marrying next year and they stopped this heterosexual dead in her tracks with their beauty. Wow!

Edited to add, I don't think Black should be disappointed in a state by state strategy. I think it should be a multi-pronged approach and advocate at the local and state level while taking the fight federal. I don't think these tactics are mutually exclusive.

[Raster]

58. His father is another mormon nutcase. Anyone that brings shame and dishonor to them

deserves a fucking medal. I grew up mormon and had their false lies and homophobic doctrines shoved down my throat. As far as I am concerned, Black is a visionary and a hero.

[Honeycombe8]

59. I don't like it when people turn the Oscars into political grandstanding.

The Oscars is supposed to be about acting, singing, songwriting, screenwriting, the arts. Not about wars, the economy, civil rights, and other political issues. IMO. The political issues are important, but I hear about them nonstop 24-7, it seems. Sometimes it's nice just to watch, say, the Grammy Awards, the Academy Awards, the Tony Awards, etc., and just focus on the amazing talent without getting all into political issues (again). Issues are issues because not everyone agrees on them. So they are by nature controversial.

But it's good to know that most recipients don't grandstand on political issues and just respond to the award they rec'd for their talent. Everyone agrees on that...that the people nominated are talented and some gifted.

Maybe if he'd kept his acceptance speech (which I missed) to the facts, about the award and why he got the award (for his talent), rather than a political issue, his family would've been more accepting. Maybe not. But maybe. His son knows, of course, that to the evangelical people (which includes Mormon), homosexuality is a sin. He should not be surprised by that anymore. He was raised Mormon, I assume. If he expects them to accept him, he also needs to accept them, maybe?

[Lex]

60. Yeah, right. He should just accept their homophobia.

And everyone should just STFU about civil rights.

BTW, the film "Milk" itself was about civil rights so what Black said was perfectly on target with what the film was about.

Unbelievable.

[dsc]

61. Mormon's aren't exactly divorce friendly either

but apparently his dad didn't care about that particular precept.

[Odin2005]

62. You are creating boundaries where non exist

Everything has a political side to it.

[tbyg52]

65. I *like* it when people turn awards shows into "political grandstanding"

The arts don't exist in a vacuum. *Especially* theatre.

[LeftyMom]

67. Did you miss that his supportive mother is also a Mormon?

:shrug:

My Dad's side of the family is all uber-Catholic. And they loved my uncle and his partner as much as they possibly could. Because they love each other more than they love the dogma of the church. If Mr. Black's family can't say the same of him, he's better off without them. After all, how is he to accommodate them? He can only please them by being somebody who he is not, and if you have to be somebody else for your family's love then they don't really love you at all.

[Raster]

69. So you didn't even catch his acceptance speech, but felt like commenting anyway?

[marmar]

63. I just don't understand it......

...... One of my best friends from college, now in his mid-30s, grudgingly goes home to visit his Christian fundamentalist family once or twice a year, but the visits are chilly. And he can't even think about bringing his partner home. They've never accepted that he's gay. They know it, but they've never accepted it.

[dsc]

66. I thought I had heard it all until a coworker told me this

She and her partner were accepted by the parents until she went to Canada and got married. From that day to this the partner isn't welcome in the parents house so she won't go either. So living in sin was OK but getting married wasn't.

[ldf]

64. sounds much like the taliban family values

doesn't it?

[Starry Messenger]

68. Thank you for a beautiful post dsc.

I hope many more voices will speak out. Too many have been silenced by shame, violence or lack of empathy by those with all their rights. I can't imagine what this talented young man must have felt opening a hateful letter like that. I look forward to all of his future Oscars and awards.