Is it unrealistic (or just unnecessary) to expect people to sleep with one person only for life?

[dorkulon]

Never been married or wanted to be (also never cheated, I guess I'm a serial monogamist). Just thinking about this due to all the Edwards threads.

It seems to me that people, even those who are otherwise well-matched, tend to get tired of sleeping with each other after a few years. Then one or both of them eventually cheat, and when discovered, the relationship is either ruined or badly damaged henceforth.

My question is, is this necessary? Is marriage really about sex? Isn't sexual attraction really a fleeting and transient sensation, something it would be ridiculous to plan a life-long partnership on anyway? Why is wanting to sleep with someone else seen as such a betrayal? Don't we all, eventually, want to sleep with someone else? Why should life be a contest to see how many of our desires we can deny ourselves?

Is it a foregone conclusion that 'cheating' on someone would break their heart, or is that a cultural construct we are raised with? Is there any sense in constructing a set of rules for relationships that we regularly fall short of?

These are questions I'm pondering; I really don't know the answers. I'm interested in your opinions on the matter, so flame off, please.

[elleng]

1. Both, in my pov,

but I'm certainly in the minority on this one.

[seabeyond]

2. i was older when i got married. no we arent tired of sleeping iwth each other

no we dont want to sleep with someone else. yes it would hurt hubby if i did. and yes it would piss me off if he did. i am pragmatic, he is romantic. two different beings. no a person does not have to cheat.

i didnt think i would ever want to marry. wasnt about the sex, isnt about it now. there is something very very special being bonded as we are that i would never have known if hadnt experienced with hubby. teens and twenties i had no desire to even have a relationship.

[MercutioATC]

3. Aside from procreation, why should people get married?

I'll give you that it's probably better for a child to have a stable family environment, at least when they're young...but is the whole "everybody grows up and gets married" thing anything more than antiquated social tradition?

I've been married...and divorced. I have an 18-year-old son who's lived with me for 4 1/2 years (off to college in the fall). I don't regret any of the experience (either the marriage or the divorce) but, in retrospect, I think marriage is kind of a silly goal.

I'm a serial monogamist too...this isn't about playing the field. I fought to have my son come live with me when he was 14...this isn't about commitment issues. I just don't think that a permanent monogamous institution like marriage has nearly the necessity in today's society that many seem to attach to it.

[elleng]

41. NO REASON.

.

[Winterblues]

4. I can not imagine not wanting to be with the one you love forever..

I have Never cheated on my wife, been married 32 years, and Never even had a desire to do so. I believe my wife feels exactly the same way...:shrug: different strokes I guess.

[seabeyond]

12. ya know

i was married older and hubby and i figure that is why we dont experience the things in marriage so may others complain about. maybe that isnt true. i have never had desire/want/THOUGHT of cheating. hasnt crossed my mind. so i know it is possible. we LIKE each other. want to spend time together. there isnt anyone out there we like better. when it works, it works....

good for you and thanks for your post. like to hear these stories. they arent often shared

[dorkulon]

13. That's nice for you, but the question is really about the basic rules of relationships in general.

Specifically, the idea that cheating ends or invalidates the relationship. If your wife cheated, would it be the end of your relationship? If so, why?

[Shell Beau]

5. Marriage is about a lot of things, and sex is one of those things.

It is normal for some people to be with one person forever and not normal for others. It is all about the individual. It is complicated, and I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here.

[Turbineguy]

6. Since most of the conventions

regarding such relationships were established well before the advent of birth control... to be corrected by the advent of exotic venereal diseases... to be corrected by medicines... to be corrected by ????...

I take the pragmatic approach and argue that Victorian Morality came about from the number of illegitimate births stressing social safety nets and rampant disease and not mankind striving for a Higher Purpose.

[pnutbutr]

7. when sex starts getting old with the same person

just pull out the old rubber dong and do a DP to fill the boring sex void

[theoldman]

8. Christian marriage is a commitment in many ways.

Your marriage vows are what you sign up for. It's also a matter of culture. In many cultures it's OK to have sex with someone other than your spouse. In our Christian culture even gay people remain faithful to each other. Until a few hundred years ago there was no culture of marriage like ours. A few thousand years ago there was no marriage at all. Marriage was created by religion so before we had religion we did not have marriage.

[MineralMan]

9. Depends on a lot of things...

It depends mostly on the individuals involved and their reasons for being in a relationship. I don't think you can make any rules that apply to everyone.

Personally, I married a whole person, not just a hole in a person, so sex is just one factor in my marriage.

[ejpoeta]

10. i think it is possible to be with only one person for life. relationships are very complicated t

things and sometimes people do make mistakes. true there is an attraction that people feel that can fade, but if there is love and friendship underneath as well as a common goal and conscious decison about what you want... there are so many things that can go into problems that can arise.... people feeling like they aren't getting what they need from a spouse... midlife crisis... i think the key is to be aware of what is going on and talking to each other and working through these kinds of things. trust is a very hard thing, though... without trust, i don't see how you can have a relationship.

I myself have been with my husband for like 12 years. we have been married for almost 4. we have two kids. before we had kids and had been together for a little over a year we had some problems. i noticed bob was pulling away and confronted him about what was going on. he was not sure what he wanted or whether he even loved me anymore. this hurt badly, but i wanted to make sure that he did what he needed to do to get where he needed to be. he never cheated on me or anything. i told him to go find what he needed to find but not to expect me to be waiting around for him. but we didn't have kids then or anything, and in the end he figured out that he wanted to be with me.

as far as i am concerned, it's about respect. i would hope that bob and i could get through anything and that he would have enough respect for me that if he was ever feeling like he was attracted to another person, he would be honest with me before he did anything.

[dorkulon]

16. I understand it's "possible," but is it necessary or even desirable?

I seem to be getting a lot of posts from people who are happily married about how it can work out. But my question is more about why the idea of infidelity is so crushing to people. I think people don't cheat generally because they fall in love with someone else, but that they just feel a carnal desire for someone else and maybe had a little too much to drink or something. In a lot of ways it's like falling off the wagon. It just seems to me to be a relatively minor transgression, the kind of thing that two people who were in love could forgive easily. It's not that I don't know what it is to feel jealousy, but it seems like such a stupid emotion sometimes to me.

[ejpoeta]

38. i don't know. from my perspective, i made a commitment to my husband...

before we were even married, he is the only one i want to be with. there is more to a relationship than sex, but it is the emotional attachment and having someone who is your best friend. it's hard to explain. bob is the only man i have ever been with, and i have been the only woman he has ever been with. i know this is by no means normal these days. it is not a minor transgression in my opinion. sex is an expression of our love and creates an emotional attachment. infidelity is a violation of trust and you can't have a relationship without trust.

[fishwax]

11. it can be neither and it can be both, depending on the people involved

I certainly don't think it's inevitable that people (whether well matched or not) will get tired of sleeping each other and cheat, though.

[Echo In Light]

14. Depends on the wants and needs of those involved

My wife and I have been together since we met as teenagers in 1988, and we're all we need for another ... yet I realize we're rare, and that many people have differing needs. So, in my estimation it's an individual matter that needn't be grounded in any type of judgmental framework.

[Triana]

15. If you have your priorities in order...

...and don't base intimate relationships on sex/lust/romance but rather on developing FRIENDSHIP as the basis for anything else, relationships *can* last. Romance/sex is great but what makes it last is friendship. Destroy that and the partnership is gone - whatever kind of partnership it was.

People make the mistake of basing their relationships on the wrong 'stuff' - as for marriage and sleeping w/ one person all your life - I'm not going there but people seem confused about what 'love' is and what it's based on and I think those unrealistic expectations and misplaced priorities have something to do with why so many marriages fail.

[FarCenter]

17. Improbable

Look at the data.

[WilmywoodNCparalegal]

18. As someone said, when it's right, it's right...

While sex is not what marriage is all about, it's certainly a very important component. I speak from experience. I divorced my ex over the complete lack of intimacy which, sadly, was apparent even while we were dating. We were great friends and had a good time together, but the lack of intimacy killed whatever good relationship we had. Now, I'm with my best friend and best lover. I cannot imagine ever being with someone else or cheating on him, nor he on me.

I'm not a religious person. However, when you make the choice of marrying someone you also make the choice of exclusivity with that person, open marriages (with both people's consent) notwithstanding. Of course, we are all free to choose our circumstances. If two people want to leave open the possibility of having sex outside of each other, then more power to them.

[Occam Bandage]

19. There is an evolutionary advantage, for both men and women,

to having sex with as many people as possible. For men (and to an extent women), it increases the number of children, and for both it increases the gene pool, lowering the risk that an invisible genetic defect in the partner will harm all children produced.

There is an evolutionary advantage to family-forming, as it increases the chance of the offspring's survival by doubling the number of providers.

There is also an evolutionary advantage to ensuring that one's partner does not have sex with anyone else. For men, it is to ensure that significant effort is not wasted caring for a child in whom he has no genetic stake. For women, it is to ensure that the partner does not have any other obligations of care, and that 100% of his effort is directed at caring for children in whom she has a genetic stake.

This explains why monogamy exists, why people will always want to cheat, and why people will always be angry at infidelity. It also explains why female infidelity tends to be punished more harshly by societies; the cost to the male in female infidelity can be far greater than the cost to the female in male infidelity. Finally, it explains why polygynous and not polyandrous harem societies exist. If the man is wealthy enough that he can provide for all the requirements of an indefinite number of children, then there is no genetic disadvantage to one woman that he has children by other women as well.

This is not to excuse any of the above behaviors, of course; explaining why people do things should not be construed as justifying behaviors. There's a genetic advantage to murdering foreigners, after all, and I wouldn't think anyone would say that justifies it.

[dorkulon]

21. Good points.

I'm a fan of evolutionary psychology. It does seem, though, that if we can recognize that these feelings for the evolved genetic impulses they are, we could perhaps overcome them, especially in the age of birth control.

[seabeyond]

seeing how you dont have mass group of women getting impreg by alpha male and having beta male

raising the child, or that lots of men can and want to be committed to one mate.... i would say we have evolved beyond.

[Adelante]

20. As unrealistic as abstinence only

Human beings are tempted and human beings fail. It's going to happen and it's going to hurt somebody. I don't generally judge people's sex lives. I don't see it as my business who sleeps with who, as long as it doesn't involve children or animals. Now, open marriage was tried by my generation with all good intention. It was about freedom. But in my observation it didn't come pain-free or without destruction, so even if there is an agreement, human frailty may prevail. If you try for no expectations of a partner in this area, it likely will still hurt even if you don't want it to. If you try for every expectation, it will most certainly hurt even more. It's something each partnership has to work out and every human being is unique in emotional makeup, strength and weakness varies from person to person. Yes, there are people, I've known a few, who can operate safely in a completely open sexual environment - it's usually their partners who can't and I've always wondered about that, why either would commit on such an unequal playing field.

[dorkulon]

23. I have to admit

Every time I've seen the "open relationship" thing tried, one or both partners will inevitably manifest feelings of jealousy and possessiveness. Perhaps we really can't help how we feel.

[WI_DEM]

22. Believe it or not some people actually do this. If somebody doesn't think they can be faithful

and unless there significant other is OK with cheating then that person should just stay single because it's clear that what is the most important thing to that person is sexual gratification in a relationship.

[salguine]

24. People are different. Monogamy suits some people. It doesn't suit some people.

[ieoeja]

25. As someone who was cheated upon ... I fully agree with you. It was no big deal.

When my wife cheated on me the first thought that went through my head was, "maybe this will serve as the spark to re-kindle things between us." I suppose there was a little downer in there somewhere ("what's wrong with me"). But mostly I felt happy for her and hoped that would carry over into our relationship.

For the record, it did not. She decided she was in love with the guy, who unsurprisingly dumped her the very minute she told him she was leaving me. Been a lot of history since then, mostly to my annoyance. But I am committed to at least taking care of the kid she has since had (only thing bio-daddy did for the kid was die when he was three so he started getting a share of bio-daddy's SSI).

If your partner cheating on you makes you hate your partner, then did you ever really love your partner? Or did you just love having your partner as a possession?

[WI_DEM]

26. Obviously your spouse wasn't as committed as you were to your marriage.

but I admire you for not letting it eat away at you.

[Adelante]

31. Two very good questions nt

[seabeyond]

32. if my hubby cheated on me i wouldnt hate him. i would thank him for the years of being happy

all he gave me and i would walk. i would continue to be bonded with him, appreciate all he is and not want to live with him. him cheating wouldnt cause me to hate him. there is so much more to him, than an event

[Ilsa]

27. Hurting my spouse by sleeping with another person kills the fun of

being attracted to another person for me. I couldn't do it even if I was pissed at him for doing the same thing to me. I don't want "revenge sex".

[krabigirl]

28. No, I don't think it's natural. It's what people do, or attempt to do.

Then again, in my situtation, I married late (35), so I had enough fun to last a lifetime.

[Karenina]

36. I became active in those scant few years of FREE SEX!!!

Birth control+antibiotics= EXPLORATION+DISCOVERY

I had many fun/not so fun experiences and treasure the knowledge and understanding I gained. By the time I married (auch late) there was truly nothing new under the sun. The idea of the one and only fp I personally find silly. Trust and transparency are the real issues.

[yellowcanine]

29. "Open Marriages" - usually end in divorce, from what I have observed.

Sooner or later someone gets jealous and accuses the other of betrayal of whatever the agreement was. I don't think the sexual infidelity is as serious as the emotional infidelity. It does appear to be difficult to be "in love" with 2 individuals at the same time. Someone is going to feel cheated.

[Lyric]

44. From what I've observed, "closed" marriages usually end in divorce, too.

:shrug:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

45. closed ones do as well from my observations. nt

[davsand]

30. Any marriage is defined by the people in it.

I think you are viewing marriage with a perceived set of expectations that you maybe don't share, and that your marriage will not be the same as mine. No harm, no foul--just different. The PROBLEMS come when the two people are married to each other do not have the same expectations and attitudes.

When I married it was later in my life and it was with the attitude that I was giving my word (my promise) that I was only gonna be intimate with my husband. We discussed all this before we ever got married and we had reached (we think) a shared agreement about what our marriage is about.

If I step out (or he does) that is not what either of us agreed to as part of our marriage. I figure I gave him my promise and I am gonna keep my word. Period. You can add booze or drugs or illness or distance or any of the other excuses, but it still comes down to the fact that I gave a promise and it is MY choice to keep that promise.

For you (or anyone else, for that matter...) if you marry and you and your partner do not choose that monogamy is a part of that--then more power to you! That is strictly your business. You two, together, define what is a marriage, external expectations mean absolutely nothing.



Laura

[madmom]

33. Been married for 36 years, we have had our problems, but none involving sex. I think

it's not so much sex, as the intimacy involved.If one spouse cheats on the other that intimacy is lost, IMO.

[Vickers]

34. It isn't for me, but my wife is totally HAWT!!!

I probably wouldn't blame *her* for looking around though...

:spank:

[Iggo]

35. I know it's realistic, because I've seen it.

Necessary? Up to the individdy.

[imdjh]

37. I can't imagine sharing a bedroom with someone

Needless to say, I have never been married or coupled.

[LynzM]

39. My thoughts:

My question is, is this necessary? No, it's a cultural construct. Most mammals are not monogamous, afaik.

Is marriage really about sex? In most marriages, sex plays a role. But there are marriages without sex, and of course sex without marriage. Learning the distinction between physical attraction and a lifelong commitment is an interesting experience, and overall good for a relationship in the long run, in my opinion.

Isn't sexual attraction really a fleeting and transient sensation, something it would be ridiculous to plan a life-long partnership on anyway? Why is wanting to sleep with someone else seen as such a betrayal? Don't we all, eventually, want to sleep with someone else? Why should life be a contest to see how many of our desires we can deny ourselves? Is it a foregone conclusion that 'cheating' on someone would break their heart, or is that a cultural construct we are raised with? Is there any sense in constructing a set of rules for relationships that we regularly fall short of?

I don't believe that most people innately desire to be physically monogamous - hence the occurence of "cheating." But often the physical betrayal comes easier after a neglect of the emotional or friendship aspect of a relationship, at least from what I've seen. I think that choosing an open relationship, if both parties are amenable to the idea and willing to put in the effort and communication that this requires, can lead to a deeper appreciation of the partnership, and an avoidance of "cheating" or "betrayal," etc.

[elleng]

40. That's the stupid thing; marriage is NOT about sex.

but we're still saddled with the 'olden days' rules.

AWFUL here is that I left my house after husband assaulted me; he'd been emotionally cruel for years. Ended up living with a kind man who helped me out during difficult time. and daughters (mostly older one, age 24) objects strenuously to my relationship. Haven't discussed 'sex' with her about this, but really upset that she's not HAPPY that I've got a good friend.

[Evoman]

42. The only way infidelity seems to work is if you have a secret "open" marriage,

You cheat if you really need to, but you keep your mouth shut. Furthermore, you never piss in your own pool (don't fuck her best friend, for god's sake).

My gf and I have had this discussion. If either of us cheats, we don't tell the other and we use protection.

However, I've been with her for over 5 years, and I've never had the urge to cheat, despite having the opportunity. I've also never sensed any loss of attraction from her, either. She still jumps me when I get home from work.

Yeah, the whole monogamy/fidelity thing may seem antiquated and stupid....but it really doesn't seem like we have a choice sometimes. I'm open minded, and I was always "sexually adventerous" and never thought I would ever get married. I thought it was for chumps. But it didn't seem to fucking matter much....I still fell in love, and I would feel insanely jealous if I knew she was fucking around on me.

[JerseygirlCT]

43. It doesn't really matter if you promised to do that

I suppose some people find it difficult; I don't. I think it's often used as an excuse for people lacking the respect for themselves and their spouse and the self-control necessary to hold to their vows.

Is marriage about sex? Depends on the marriage. Sometimes emphatically yes, sometimes not at all. But marriage IS about trust and commitment. And I think people are perfectly capable of that. And that if they are not, they probably shouldn't be married to begin with.

[Dappleganger]

46. No

Plenty of people choose to be that way, but it's not cut out for everyone.

Marriage isn't just about sex.
Yes, cheating is a breaking of that trust you both agreed to have at the beginning of the commitment. Commitments and trust DO mean something, but IMO you don't need a piece of paper to make it valid. Trust is very hard to restore once it's been broken, but it can be done (although I don't think back to the original security of before).