This could, and should, be our future

[dsc]

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/01/nyregion/nyregionspecial2/01RParenting.html?ei=5088&en=06bf5f179f51c5a4&ex=1333080000&adxnnl=1&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss&pagewanted=1&adxnnlx=1175532421-S578rEo+STejWqeyi7HC8g

By sixth grade, he knew what “gay” meant, but didn’t associate it with himself. That year, he says: “I had a crush on one particular eighth-grade boy, a very straight jock. I knew whatever I was feeling I shouldn’t talk about it.” He considered himself a broken version of a human being. “I did think about suicide,” he says.

Then, for reasons he can’t wholly explain beyond pure desperation, a month after his Valentine “date” — “We never actually went out, just walked around school together” — in the midst of math class, he told a female friend. By day’s end it was all over school. The psychologist called him in. “I burst into tears,” he recalls. “I said, ‘Yes, it’s true.’ Every piece of depression came pouring out. It was such a mess.”

That night, when his mother got home from work, she stuck her head in his room to say hi. “I said, ‘Ma, I need to talk to you about something, I’m gay.’ She said, ‘O.K., anything else?’ ‘No, but I just told you I’m gay.’ ‘O.K., that’s fine, we still love you.’ I said, ‘That’s it?’ I was preparing for this really dramatic moment.”

Ms. O’Connor recalls, “He said, ‘Mom, aren’t you going to freak out?’ I said: ‘It’s up to you to decide who to love. I have your father, and you have to figure out what’s best for you.’ He said, ‘Don’t tell Dad.’ ”

“Of course I told him,” Ms. O’Connor says.

“With all our faults,” Mr. O’Connor says, “we’re in this together.”

end of quote

While this story is totally positive for Zach the reaction of his parents is something that most of us could have only drempt of when we came out. The rest of the article goes on to tell about the center where Zach went to while dealing with being gay. It went from having not seen a single parent for over a decade after opening to having parents take their kids to their first meetings.

I would love to live in a world where it no longer matters to parents if their kids turn out gay. For way too many of us, this wasn't the case. We have some truely terrible stories right on DU. Even those of us who eventually got accepted by our parents faced years of waiting for that to be the case. I know we will never see a United States where every single gay kid gets accepted by his or her parents. The role of conservative Christianity is way to strong in our country for that to be the case.

But if the overwhelming majority of kids end up with this being the case we will have won a major victory that all the conservatives in the world won't be able to take away. That could lead to even more victories.

[Skinner]

1. Great article.

Thanks for posting.

[dsc]

2. thanks but credit where credit is due

This was first posted in the GLBT forum by someone else.

[IndyOp]

3. It made it to the greatest page. The article so good, I rec'd this one too...

The last line is a keeper, "Why didn't you come out in 5th grade?"

:shrug:

[MuseRider]

4. K&R

I think I was #5. Great article, thanks dsc.

[Solly Mack]

5. K&R

[Bronyraurus]

6. Amen

It will always matter somewhat to parents, but parents will someday widely acknowledge that this is not a matter of choice, and that it cannot change. Homosexuals have always been a part of the human race and always will. It's astonishing to me that many have yet to recognize these obvious facts and I can't help but blame religion.

[Morgana LaFey]

7. A couple of quibbles

First, it's a great article, of course. Thanks.

But there are things I take a little exception to. For one thing, let's be honest. Mrs. O'Connor's initial reaction was MOST likely a bit extreme -- and forced -- toward the opposite side of the continuum scale. She likely had her own clues and therefore an opportunity to get used to the idea of her son being gay and so was probably somewhat "prepared," but it appears even Zach would have liked a slightly less breezy initial discussion about the whole matter.

It's GREAT to be accepting, but if this account is accurate she treated it almost dismissively, and I honestly don't think that's appropriate either. Maybe they had their talks later (sorry, I haven't read the whole article), in which case my concerns would be taken care of. But it's just too breezy -- as if it's unimportant -- for my taste.

I know we will never see a United States where every single gay kid gets accepted by his or her parents.

I think you're wrong about that, I really do, and I'd encourage you to hold the space in your mind and heart for better than that. You may not see it, but in my lifetime I've seen tremendous progress in acceptance for GLBT, far beyond my wildest dreams. Yes, still a long way to go, but when I encountered my first gay and lesbians (in high school, back in the 1960s), believe me, the idea tha ANYone, ANYwhere would be DISCUSSING, let alone doing anything about gay marriage or civil unions would have been considered less likely than the planet being taken over by aliens.

The role of conservative Christianity is way to strong in our country for that to be the case.

It's not just Christianity, or even organized religion. It's Patriarchy, though the major religions of the world are most certainly Patriarchal in nature and origin. They greatly help "enforce" the social systems and the entire structure and ediface which is Patriarchy. Our common enemy is Patriarchy.

[dsc]

8. I think those are fair quibbles

The article does address the parents initial reaction and put some context upon it. They had already asked him if he were gay and had searched the web for info about gays. I would love to think that you are right on quibble two but given that some 40 years after Loving v Virginia we still have significant opposition to interracial couples, I really don't think being gay will ever totally not matter. I will also admit that conservative Christianity isn't the sole problem and that Patriarchy problem is a huge part of the problem.

[bigwillq]

9. Great article.

That's not too far from where I am from.

Thanks for posting.


:hi:

[bigwillq]

10. I posted this in GLBT

and in the Lounge.

More people should read this.

[uppityperson]

11. I'm looking forward to a time when there doesn't have to be the pre-drama about coming out.

Where it TRULY doesn't matter what your orientation is. As I tell Jr, I hope that someday you can find someone that is good for you and you are good for. End of message to Jr. It will be nice when it just is what it is, no worries, no concerns, no "do I or don't I" angsty stuff, that a person is just who she/he/it is. I read a book once where people were referred to as "per" (not her or him). It will be nice when it just doesn't matter. Thank you for the article.

[xchrom]

12. thanks i had already read that -- aren't his parents amazing?

[dsc]

13. absolutely

My dad was pretty good but my mom took a long time to be OK with my being gay. I couldn't imagine either one of them taking me to the types of meetings those parents took their kid to. They did good.

[xchrom]

14. that's what i thought -- they set

a great map for ''how to''.

[Tyo]

15. Thanks for posting this

My experience was similar to Zach's in that I had family that always accepted me the way I was. Only difference was I never really had to come out because I was kind of out naturally. The full impact of how lucky I had been both at home and at school didn't really hit me until i went off to college and met kids who had really suffered and were in many cases still struggling with guilt and uncertainty and rejection. Much of it, I'm sorry to say, stemming from religion, either their own conflicted beliefs or those of their parents.

[ComerPerro]

16. Was an episode of a Fox show called the War at Home that kinda dealt with this

The father was worried his son might be gay because he was getting into musicals, and saw him kissing another student who he thought was a boy (she was wearing baggy clothes and a hat).

So he freaks out because his son is gay. But then he talks to one of his coworkers, who happens to have a gay son. "Well, I was weired out at first, but I had to remember, he's still my son. Plus, he and his partner, think about it. Two men with no children, all that earning power equals a lot of disposable income. And it means a lot of gifts for me!" The coworker then shows him a nice watch he got, a PDA, and some other cool shit.

Wasn't exactly "gays are just like you and me, there is nothing wrong with it and nothing at all to be ashamed of", but its at least a way to twist it into a positive light and get a laugh at anti-gay bigots.