Here's my advice. If you're going to apologize, eschew the word "if"

[Bucky]

When you say "I apologize if he took offense when I said McCauley Culkin is a chemically lobotimized butt-scratching puppykicker," you're not really apologizing. The only honest way to deliver that line is to roll your eyes like a 13 year old on the word "if" and then maybe pantomiming a little finger-gag right afterwards. At least then your mockery is out in the open.

(Please note that the example used above is apocryphal--no McCauley Culkins were hurt in the posting of this comment)

[JVS]

1. My boilerplate for apologies

" Fuck you! I don't regret a damned thing. You can kiss my ass and suck on my balls. If you were offended, eat shit!"

[Dragonfli]

2. Agreed! - my usual apology is

"I apologize for not apologizing for telling the truth about you."

I am thinking of adding a face palm gesture so they may apologize to the hand for not accepting my apology.

[uppityperson]

3. and the word "but"

[Bucky]

4. Oh, yeah. Everything before the word "but" is a lie.