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Dear God, Jesus, Allah, Buddha and the Flying Spaghetti Monster:
On this day of days, we seek your divine providence in a matter of grave urgency to the entire world.
We ask you to keep a very few men and women--just twenty-two in number--safe, warm and healthy at least until 2008.
These people are the only thing standing between that most evil of men, our president, and the global disaster he intends to start to enrich his corporate masters.
All of these people are Democratic senators from states with Republican governors. As you well know, if a senator dies before his term expires his governor chooses his replacement.
Our heavenly fathers, please do keep and protect Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein from the evils of the world, for their governor is the Terminator and we just can't imagine in our wildest dreams what sort of nightmare he'd pull out of his ass.
Please hold Christopher Dodd and Joseph Lieberman to your breast in these dark days. Lieberman ain't much to look at and he's pretty much a Republican anymore anyway, but should one of you decide to call him home before we're rid of Shrub we're doubly screwed. So even though we don't really brag on Lieberman much anymore, we still gotta have him. And yes, we know he should be vice president under a Democratic leader now. We're awful sorry about that and ask you for your forgiveness for our wanton ways.
Lord, if you do nothing else this morning please put the Shield of Righteousness in Bill Nelson's hand, for his governor is our numb-nuts president's brother. He is as evil as he is stupid and his stupidity knows no bounds. Shrub or Jeb, take your pick, they're equally bad. We have no idea what kind of a mess Arnold Schwarzenegger would dump on the country even as we know it would be bad, but we know exactly what kind of a lunatic Jeb Bush would come up with.
We ask you to keep Mr. Daniel Akaka and Mr. Daniel Inouye especially warm in these trying months. They are from Hawaii, the warmest and most beatiful of all states, a state so beloved that newly married couples flock to it to celebrate their romance. Hawaii has fallen into the trap of Republican governorship. She at least appears to be sane but you can never tell and we don't want to have to.
Let us bless a plate of Ramen noodles and ask that Evan Bayh feel the warmth of your noodly goodness, for his governor worked for both Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush. Anyone who would put up with both of those evil fuckers can be relied upon to pull out a total maniac to replace a relatively high quality Democrat, and we don't want that to happen.
The land of ten thousand lakes also has ten thousand right wing lunatics, every one of them salivating for the chance to replace either Amy Klobuchar or Carl Levin. Please love them and protect them from harm's way.
Lord, we beg of you to protect Claire McCaskill, your faithful servant. Her governor is a right-wing nutcase who thinks every rapist should be a father. Naturally, we as Democrats feel differently and we're sure you do too, so help us in any way you can.
We ask you to keep Kent Conrad, Byron Dorgan, Tim Johnson and Ben Nelson close to your breast; they are all good Democratic senators from largely unpopulated states that have right-wing governors, none of whom need any encouragement to give George Bush a free hand to finish destroying the nation.
Lord, we know that you have probably given up on Nevada. It is a den of iniquity and everyone knows it, but it's represented by a man who's turned out to be a fine avatar of Christian virtue, Mr. Harry Reid. Please ignore for a moment your feelings about the snake pit he comes from and keep him healthy and well-fed.
We're also pretty sure you've given up on Rhode Island too, but we really wish you would not. Please protect Jack Reed and Sheldon Whitehouse from small planes and large men named Karl.
We finally come to Vermont. Lord, I don't know what to tell you about Vermont. It's full of old hippies and new communes who got together and put a Republican in the governor's mansion. Yes, these people can be screwed up. Anyway, keep Patrick Leahy and Bernard Sanders close to you in these trying times.
We thank you and praise you, oh Lords and Deities. In Your names we pray.
Amen, Allah Akhbar, Buddha Be Praised and Ramen.
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