Somali Pirates in Discussions to Acquire Citigroup

[BR_Parkway]

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20081121.WBstreetwise20081121112035/WBStory/WBstreetwise

November 20 (Bloomberg) -- The Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of Citigroup.

The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. The negotiations have entered the final stage, Ali said.

"You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to offer the shareholders anything," said Ali.

The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS's are backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden. Moody's and S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the PRBS's.

Head pirate, Ubu Kalid Shandu, said: "We need a bank so that we have a place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in the capital markets has allowed us to purchase Citigroup at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow the business even faster."

Shandu added, "We don't call ourselves pirates. We are coastguards and this will just allow us to guard our coasts better."

[mike_c]

1. proud to recommend this one....

:rofl:

[Richardo]

2. OK that's hilarious

:rofl:

[Idealism]

3. Everyone talks about how credit-defaul swaps

but its the Pirate Ransom Backed Securities that are the wave of the future! /invest now!

[frebrd]

K&R!

Edited to add:

Thank you!

[Mike 03]

4. DUzy anyone? Love this. Kick and Rec. Hilarious. NT

[Vinca]

5. Too late. It's already owned by pirates. nt

[crispini]

6. *WILL REQUIRE ALL CITI EMPLOYEES TO WEAR PATCH OVER ONE EYE

:rofl:

[Ichingcarpenter]

7. NIGERIAN BANK PRESIDENT JANICE ZAMIBQUE CAN DOUBLE SOMALIAN PIRATES DEAL

IF CITIGROUP SEND MONEY TO THIS ADDRESS!
AZOLUA MBOBWE
SENIOR BANK MANGER
BANK OF NIGERIA
LAGOS, NIGERIA

[BR_Parkway]

18. LOL

[rucky]

8. Maybe we'll get some ethics back into banking!

[tclambert]

35. They'll have a code, but it's more guidelines than actual rules.

[Ezlivin]

9. Will introduce keelhauling to the board

Assets to be buried under the white sands of an unnamed tropical island.

[myrna minx]

10. Perhaps I'll have a better chance negotiating my AP Arrr with the pirates.

Thank you, I'm here all week. :rofl: K&R

[Junkdrawer]

11. The Somali Pirates are out of their league...not NEARLY ruthless enough...

to compete with the likes of Goldman Sachs....

[LiberalEsto]

12. Will they rename it Somigroup?

Just asking

[Junkdrawer]

13. Monty Python's Crimson Permanent Assurance....

http://www.videosift.com/video/Monty-Pythons-Meaning-Of-Life-Crimson-Permanent-Assurance

[Soylent Brice]

14. the sad truth is that

it took me a second to realize this was a joke. this certainly wouldn't be the weirdest thing to happen in the last few months.

i've become numb.

[BR_Parkway]

17. I made the same comment to my partner before I posted it

the funniest part to me was that we don't even blink at headlines this absurd anymore

[Turborama]

21. The thought was going through my mind when I read the title too, lol

What a great find, thanks for the share. :applause:


I just emailed it in the same format you posted it to my brother who works in the financial district in London, I expect it'll get viralled around there for laughs.

K&R

:kick:

[JohnnyRingo]

15. Hahaha...Brings new meaning to the term "corporate raiders".

They might as well fly the Jolly Roger.

[fla nocount]

16. It's a re-hash of Iran-Contra and the Chiquita scandal.

Just another corporate Ponzi scheme. Keep your money in your pocket unless you're angling for a cabinet post or federal appointment.

[Usrename]

19. With capable management, Citigroup could become a player.

These guys do appear to have the competence edge.

[bluesmail]

20. It's funny because it's true. HA!

[Agent William]

22. WIN!!!

[PurgedVoter]

23. It's all true!

Wolfram and Hart is negotiating the contracts.

[IDemo]

24. Maybe they read my post a few days ago?

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=389&topic_id=4480586

[TBF]

26. That is excellent too - thanks for the link! n/t

[Canuckistanian]

25. hahahaha, The Globe and Mail...ROFL

Andrew Willis, you sly dog.... I never knew you had it in you.

BRILLIANT satire.

No, wait, it's written by Andreas Hippin - never heard of him before. Still, Fuckin'-A....

[JNelson6563]

27. Clever.

:toast:

[Better Believe It]

28. Very Funny K & R

[Blue State Bandit]

29. Pirates, aye?

ARGH!!!

Them scally-wags best to steer clear of me BOOTY!

CityGroup is MINE!!!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

[99th_Monkey]

30. At least the Pirates know what to do with cheats and traitors..

... "aye, ye lyin' scum, out onto that plank now, or you'll feel the point of my trusty sword in yer gonads"

[DrZeeLit]

31. Damn! Snorted hot apple cider (w/shot of Peach Schnapps) on my hd screen. Ick!

That was HILARIOUS!

I really needed a laugh today.
My husband is in the other room... pouring over our retirement funds..... OY!

[geckosfeet]

32. Can't be as bad as the theives running the joint now.

[madrchsod]

33. is there a difference?

[valerief]

34. ROFLMFAO!

:rofl:

[aquart]

36. I can't think of a better, more appropriate match.

[underpants]

37. The products of our business schools would be no match for them

ARRGH!

[tclambert]

38. Response from Citigroup: We are disinclined to acquiesce.

Means "No."

[DeSwiss]

39. OMG!!!!

*KASHKARI SAYS `SOMALI PIRATES ARE 'FUNDAMENTALLY SOUND' '

- Compared to those assholes at AGI, I'm inclined to agree!!!!

[Chisox08]

40. K and ARRRRRRR