“Brigade homeland tours start Oct. 1” reads the September 8th headline. I half expected to see a sub-head reading, “It’s not too late! Sign up for our family discount package TODAY and get a coupon for a free pedicure and massage in the comfort of your own stateroom!”
But this headline is from an article in
Army Times, so instead the subhead reads: “3rd infantry’s 1st BCT (Brigade Combat Team) trains for a new dwell-time mission. Helping ‘people at home’ may become a permanent part of the active army.”
It was a mistake to read this article on the final gasp of the Posse Comitatus Act after watching the president’s speech on the economy last night. The news about these “homeland tours” was written, of course, two weeks before everything truly went to hell on Wall Street and is part of a trend that began as far back as Katrina. The actual “homeland” tour doesn’t begin until next week. Nevertheless I’m left with the impression of our wide-eyed, slightly stunned looking president standing before the cameras and making his speech about how we are all going to
cooperate with Mr. Paulson
aren’t we, while discreetly motioning into place around us the battle-hardened 3rd infantry. (“The Brigade earned its reputation – Raiders First! – as the first unit to fight its way into Baghdad” reads the
website describing the infantry unit.)
“Don’t worry,” I imagine our president assuring us. “These nice people are here to
help you!”
This paranoia on my part is not helped by the fact that the article in
Army Times invites the term “Orwellian” by combining military jargon with a cheerful bounce I don’t usually associate with the army. “Now they’re training for the same mission — with a twist — at home,” observes staff writer Gina Cavallaro, with the rueful, faux-surprised perkiness of a
Parade writer opening a piece on a dog that can fetch and open beer-cans. After Cavallaro explains the brigade’s mission “as an on-call federal response force for natural or manmade emergencies and disasters, including terrorist attacks” and dealing with “unruly crowds and civic unrest,” there are a few quotes from BCT Commander Col. Roger Cloutier about the
kewell, first
ever “nonlethal package that the Army has fielded.”
This will include “equipment to stand up a hasty road block; spike strips for slowing, stopping or controlling traffic; shields and batons; and, beanbag bullets.” And lest any of us become unduly alarmed by this, Cloutier hastens to reassure us that he’s not asking Americans to do anything he wouldn’t do himself:
“I was the first guy in the brigade to get Tasered,” said Cloutier, describing the experience as “your worst muscle cramp ever — times 10 throughout your whole body.
“I’m not a small guy, I weigh 230 pounds ... it put me on my knees in seconds.”
Hot Damn!
“I can’t think of a more noble mission than this,” Cloutier goes on to say. “We’ve been all over the world during this time of conflict, but now our mission is to take care of citizens at home ... and depending on where an event occurred, you’re going home to take care of your home town, your loved ones.”
I feel safer already. No longer will we have to rely on piddling domestic agencies like police departments, fire departments, paramedics, and the National Guard to help us in emergencies like terrorist attacks, disasters, hurricanes, or “large unruly crowds” protesting in our city streets. Now the expertise that won the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people can be applied here in our “homeland.”
And in time for election day!
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