White House confirms bin Laden suicide.

[Philosoraptor]

(For the sarcastically challenged, this is a fake headline written for comic effect).

The bush White House has officially closed the books on nine eleven, the Iraq war, and the war on terror is now ended.

bin Laden was found in his cave in the wilds of Afghanistan surrounded by squalor, with a copy of the Quran at his side, 19 bottles of Tylenol Plus for Flu, and several box cutters. "It's an obvious, open and shut case of suicide, no doubt about it", said an anonymous White House spokesman.

A close friend and fellow Islamofacist said that bin Laden had been treated for severe depression lately and was self medicating to relieve the pressure of being hounded and chased across the world for 6 years after perpetrating the worst attack on American soil ever.

"We were about to close in on him", said officials from the F.B.I., C.I.A, and Department of Homeland Security, "he knew we were about to arrest him but he escaped justice in this world by taking the coward's way out".

With this official, verified, bona fide, really, no shit official announcement by bush's White House, the war on terror is officially won, and all hostilities may now cease, and all of our overseas troops can finally come home with honor and dignity and grievous, permanent injuries.

Although no exact timetable for withdrawal was agreed upon, officials assured the press that the suicide of the worst terrorist in history will surely hasten the end of our military presence in the middle east. "It could be next month, it could be several hundred years from now, but make no mistake, bin Laden killed himself, saving the taxpayers of America trillions and gajillions of dollars, and we'll be bringing the troops home soon, sooner, or sooner than you might expect".

When asked to comment about the official bin Laden suicide news president bush stated, "I said many years ago we'd git im', dead or alive, and we did".

[Jim__]

1. I didn't expect this announcement 'til October - n/t

[ColbertWatcher]

2. Pfft. The Truthiness Encyclopedia reported this in September of 2006...

George leapt to answer the radio, "Jesus 2, here. Repeat last transmission."
The Situation Room grew silent. Everyone held their breath waiting for the response. It was agonizing.
And then...it came, "Jesus 2, this is Dispensable 7, I repeat Jesus 2: Raghead One is down!"
"God Bless You, Dispensable 7, God Bless You, Jesus 2 out." The room burst into respectful applause; they all knew how much this mission personally hurt George, and they were happy for him; now he could get some rest.

Wikiality.com

Bin Laden was captured on September 15, 2001, four days after the attacks on America--you heard it here first (or second).

[kimmerspixelated]

3. Moose Mustard!

Do they really expect us to believe this pile? A person can't kill themselves, if they are already dead! However which way he expired, the Bu$hites wanted to keep him "Alive" for their own purposes. I suspect he's been gone for many years. OR, he is still alive and well, and will be protected by our very own CIA for life! Pshaw! What a fairy tale!

[renie408]

4. Mission Accomplished!! n/t

[malaise]

5. How do the dead commit suicide?

:rofl:

[onethatcares]

6. did his therapist have anything to add, maybe a restraining order or something?

I mean, the guy was homo/suicidal and even purchased a gun.:rofl:

[Philosoraptor]

7. The news of his driver's imprisonment drove him over the edge.

[DearAbby]

13. That is Theripist....Gawd dammit

[hulka38]

8. You are absolutely hilarious. Really, a brilliant post.

[Swamp Rat]

9. Bin Laden cannot be killed. He is immortal. He lives in many people, now and forever and ever.

He's in Osama Bin Gingrich, but he's tryin' to get out, man... Elvis needs boats, Elvis needs boats.

[Philosoraptor]

10. bin Laden without end, Amen, aaaaahhhhhhh ....mennnnnnnnnn...

[Annces]

11. It was also confirmed that Mr. Pretzel

committed suicide. A note said he was sick of clearing brush.

[Philosoraptor]

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[old mark]

14. Hell, if the White House says so, it must be true!

The President wouldn't lie - it's against the law!

(joke)

mark

[Philosoraptor]

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[Philosoraptor]

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[Philosoraptor]

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