Short of just not going, how can you avoid flying?

[Stinky The Clown]

Hold your platitudes and put on your critical thinking cap.

Flying just plain sucks. Besides giving thugs a chance to pat you down and treat you like a murder suspect, the airlines have no incentive (so it would seem) to treat you as anything more than cargo with a destination label on it.

When I was young, ambitious, stupid, and eager to please, I was a high mileage flier. WheredoyouneedmetogoBoss? Huh?Huh?Huh?

No I am old, I am the boss, I am a curmudgeon who doesn't suffer fools gladly, and I hate thugs on power trips by no more virtue than being hired by a nazi organization. I avoid flying at almost all costs and will do damned near anything to avoid the call to travel. If you think its that important, put your own fat ass on the plane and **you** come see **me**.

But there are times when it is still unavoidable. Like when Rich Aunt Sadie kicks and your mother tells you to attend the wake. And you live in Bangor, Maine, while Sadie was in Sun City, Arid Zona and the funeral will be a sunset service on the Pacific, at San Onofre, where a younger Sadie banged a surfer who became your third uncle.

Today is Monday. The wake and funeral are on Wednesday.

Ya can't drive.

Ya can't hitch.

Ya can't take the bus.

Well ..... ya could ...... but all that will be left of Sadie are ashes in the breakers and footprints in the sand. That, and the glow from the nuke plant down the beach a bit.

Our lives, in many cases, have become such that flying is simply unavoidable.

I'd love to just plain stop.

Period.

But how?

I had a convention in Atlanta last year. I looked into taking Amtrak instead of flying. I was more than willing to take the time in lieu of the speed. But the cost was outrageous unless I wanted to spend the night all wrinkled in a train seat next to a sweaty guy with a penchant for Funyuns breathing on me. Even allowing for the joy of sharing that bag of Funyuns, it was still more than four times the cost of a flight.

How do you avoid flying?

[Pierre.Suave]

1. Unless you can find someone to drive you...

You might just have to suck it up, or you can charter a plane. The charter personnel are much nicer to you than the TSA...

[Warpy]

7. Short of chartering a flight

or having ample warning from the family that Sadie's ticket has been punched and she's in the departure queue, you're stuck, shoeless and bullied, hoping your name isn't on the no fly list yet.

[brokensymmetry]

13. So, what does it cost to charter a plane?

Not a big jet - a smaller plane, perhaps a Cessna 210,
or a small turboprop?

[Pierre.Suave]

15. I dont know...

I would call a few and see.

It will probably cost more than an airline, but the reduction in stress may be worth it to you.

[MercutioATC]

2. Sometimes, you just have to fly...

...just make sure to remove your nipple rings first.

[bpeale]

3. take the train, go by bus or drive...that's your three options

pick one, any one. if you can't make it on time without flying, then just don't go. dear old mom will just have to get over it.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

4. Isn't chartering a plane quite expensive?

[DesertFlower]

5. i wouldn't go.

if i can't drive there, i just don't go.

my husband is 60. has been with the company 39 years. did his share of travel. now he told his manager "if i have to travel i'll retire".

[EmperorHasNoClothes]

6. Ah, Amtrak

That unique combination of the high cost of air travel with the never-ending hell of a Greyhound bus ride.

[grasswire]

8. hahaha!

Stinky, you oughta be writing a humor column. Really. There's a lot of Dave Barry in your style.

[grasswire]

10. oh and by the way...I stopped.

I don't fly anymore. My advice: Amtrak. It's worth it. You see the most interesting views into people's backyards and little old main streets. I went round trip from Oregon to Springfield MA in March one year, and I sat up in coach. It was a wonderful experience. Although I think I may have a slightly longer fuse than you do. :smile:

[SoCalDem]

9. Same here.. We don;t plan to ever fly again unless

we cannot avoid it (like our free trip to Tahiti a few years ago)

No matter how pricey gas gets we prefer to drive..

we stop when we want, have a cigarette when we want, eat what we want, when and where we want, and we are not in a hurry..and no one rummages through our luggage..

We bought a very comfy car and we enjoy the drive :)

[RebelOne]

11. If you take Amtrak, you do not have to sit in a train seat

next to a sweaty. Many years ago, I took Amtrak from Miami to New Jersey. I got a compartment. The price was as much as if I had flown. And a compartment is the way to go. You have your own toilet, sink and bed and complete privacy.

[XOKCowboy]

12. Plus meals if I remember right

I took coach from Denver to Reno. I ended up sleeping on the benches in the observation car. Otherwise I had a great (but slow) journey and met people from all over the world on the train.

[walldude]

14. I have no choice... Some hints if you must fly...

I live near Denver and work out of Nashville. I fly quite a bit. There are ways to make it easier, especially if you fly often. Try to use the same airline, once you are in their database as a frequent traveler you'll find you almost never get "patted down". I use Frontier, they are easily the best airline, most comfortable seats, DirectTV in every seat, and most of their people are very nice.

Don't carry much on the plane with you. Live by the totally useless and stupid rules. Sure they are useless and stupid but if you don't want any aggravation at security then check your bag. In the last 5 years my bag got lost once. And the airline knew exactly what happened to it, it came in on a later flight and they delivered it to me. I carry my laptop on the plane and that's about it. Deal with the extra 10 minutes it takes to get your bags from baggage claim, it saves many hassles at security.

Be nice! If you go through security with an attitude you are going to have a hard time. Fact of life. These people have the most stupid and boring job in the world, it helps if you are nice to them and maybe make them laugh.. just no "bomb" jokes.

Be prepared! You are going to have to take off your shoes, take out your laptop and take off your coat. No way around it. Have your ID and your ticket handy. Check your carry on before you go to security, check for whatever crap they are telling you you can't carry on. Lighters are now ok liquids over 4 oz's are not. Some airports are different than others but all have websites that are full of information on what to carry and what not to carry.

I realize that these are just my experiences but I log at least 30,000 a year in the air and it has become relatively painless for me. I also realize that the whole security thing isn't saving any lives or doing anything useful but it's there and if you have to fly you are going to have to deal with it. Taking out your frustrations on some TSA worker is only going to make life more difficult for you. Doing a few things in advance and knowing what you are going to have to deal with makes it that much easier..

Hope this helps someone...

[XOKCowboy]

20. Exactly my friend...

Frequent flier miles make airline travel much easier. Easier and earlier check in. Shorter security lines. The occasional upgrade not to mention the free flight miles ya rack up.

My encounters with TSA people are made better by talking to them like they're people and trying to be the friendliest person they'll deal with that day. I've got my boots and belt off, my cell, change and wallet in my backpack and boarding pass in hand as I approach the security belt. Wanna search my backpack? Help yourself sir/maam. (I've already checked it for forbidden materials). Like Walldude I very rarely get wanded and don't care if they do. Nothin' to hide and I keep smiling and being friendly.

Most people make it much harder on themselves by trying to take everything carryon. There's only so much space in those overhead bins folks and having to get all of your toiletries through security is a royal pain. I just check my bags and take what I'll need for the day/trip in my backpack. I've lost my luggage possibly 3 times in 10 yrs but it always turned up that evening at my hotel or home.

Most of flying is just giving in and making the best of it.

[Stinky The Clown]

24. "Most of flying is just giving in and making the best of it."

And being assimilated

I'm kidding ..... sorta.

I pretty much do what you and walldude suggest. No argument that it works.

But it doesn't reduce the suckery one bit. I am the coolest cuke in the line to the gas cham .... er ... gates when we all shuffle along barefoot ......

Didn't shit like this with compliant citizenry go on in other cultures in the last century?

[walldude]

27. Point taken.. it does suck and it's a waste of time

and money, But if you gotta fly, you gotta fly.. :toast:

[Subdivisions]

16. If we had invested early in rail, like France or Japan,

we could go by train in only twice the amount of time. So, a 2 hour flight would be 4 by train. I could live with that.

[babylonsister]

17. You don't. You have to change your attitude.

I fly quite a bit, some really long trips, too. Just be very prepared for every eventuality; bring music, books, knitting, whatever you enjoy doing, and plan for the worst. Then you'll be pleasantly surprised. Stock up on some snacks, too, just in case. I can't help you with the stinkin' security lines, but some airports/countries are better/more lenient than others.

[coalition_unwilling]

18. Hmm, I guess my response would be: did you really have to

go to that convention??? I mean, what would have happened had you chosen to attend and boycotted civilian air travel?

[azmouse]

19. I wasn't able to go to my brother's funeral because of the flying issue.

I just won't fly. Can't stand it any more as I'm getting very claustrophobic.

My brother died the day before Thanksgiving. Try getting a flight to anywhere for anything at that time of year even if you are willing to fly.
On top of that I live in AZ and he lived in PA... too far to drive with no notice and get there in 2 days. My sister-in-law wouldn't wait the funeral just a few days more so I had time to pack up and drive back there.

I've resigned myself to missing all family get-togethers unless I get lots of notice beforehand.

[XOKCowboy]

21. Best of both worlds - Buy a First Class ticket

You're the boss now. You'll fit in nicely with the other curmudgeons up in First Class. :)

[Stinky The Clown]

25. I mostly met rude assholes in first class

Aside from that, you're right. Id fit right in.

[XOKCowboy]

26. Oh they love me..

T-shirt, jeans, cowboy boots. I really fit right in. I just ignore them and flirt with the flight attendants and be thankful for the nice seat, the free drinks and food and not having to play armrest-ling with anyone. :)

[backscatter712]

22. Last time I traveled, it was by road trip.

I went to Los Vegas from the Denver area last year to attend a convention. Granted, the road trip option isn't always viable, but it was for me this time. No dealing with TSA assholes, no long lines and hurry-up-and-wait at the airport, and the scenery along the way was actually pretty cool. The only drawbacks was that it was twelve+ hours straight driving to get there, though since I was with friends, we rotated driving duty.

[The Straight Story]

23. Just stay home and have sex instead

You'll be glad ya did :)

[aikoaiko]

28. I still fly -- no carryon, wear sandals, and don't wear metal stuff, and a take Xanax or Valium.

Once I'm in my seat, I drink a beer and I'm off to lala land.

[IDemo]

29. They don't need to bother putting me on a No-Fly list

I hated airlines and airports long before the Decidator came along and made flying into a virtual prisoner transport experience.