Oil Change: Women vs Men

[Elwood P Dowd]

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee:$21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil intoengine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulledover: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right

[robinlynne]

1. ha ha ha ha!

[lakeguy]

2. that's one expensive coffee!

[karlrschneider]

3. $4145.00? Shit, I do it for HALF that much!

:rofl:

[Ezlivin]

4. Women vs. Men, Part Deux?

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee:$21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Tell woman to get oil changed in the car and pick up a case of beer, too.
2) Watch television until she comes back.
3) Thank her by doing that special thing you do.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Beer: $21.00
Sex: Free

:)

(My wife would beat me if she read this.)

[DKRC]

12. Oh no!

(My wife would beat me if she read this.)

In your dreams bud! :spank: :rofl:

[seabeyond]

28. My wife would beat me if she read this....ba ha ha ha....

you are funny. guys are funny. did you look over your shoulder as you typed, too...

[karlrschneider]

5. You forgot step 9 1/2

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
-------------------------------------

9.5 Round off drain plug with crescent wrench, find vise-grip pliers


:D

[Ezlivin]

6. Vise-Grips are the best

God almighty I wish I got a nickel for every one they sold.

How many pinches have they gotten you out of? (No pun intended.)

[Elwood P Dowd]

8. Republicans use Vise-Grips

as a roach clip. :hippie:

[Oeditpus Rex]

7. It was that goddamned scented tree

Smart guys tape a fabric softener sheet over the heater floor outlet.

[aint_no_life_nowhere]

9. I used to hate doing oil changes

But then I decided to go completely vintage, getting cars that I love to work on and simply love, period. Now, I love doing oil changes on my vintage Saab Model 96. And it's a piece of cake, as the oil pan drip plug is located right in front and I don't even have to get under the car or jack it up. It's a wonderful car and I wouldn't think of touching it in a drunken state of mind (it's like this one, only green):



That's the answer, I think: get cars that are not just tools to throw away when old but that are like beloved members of the family. And my two other cars in my all-vintage car period of life is a 1969 Citroen DS 21 (mine's light blue) and a 1957 DKW 3=6 (mine's the same color).

[GoneOffShore]

11. I had a 96

One of the best cars I ever owned. And you could do a lot of your own maintenance!

I have a Saab 9.3 now and can put gas in it. wiper fluid and that's about it.

[aint_no_life_nowhere]

13. The Saab Model 96 was simple and rugged in design, nothing fancy

But the car had a lot of character, not like the cookie-cutter cars of today that all look and drive the same (at least they do to me). I know what you mean about modern cars. I can't work on them, either and I've given up on modern cars completely. Maybe if a practical all-electric car came out one day, I'd buy one. But for right now I'm not going to buy any new cars but stick with the oldies on which I can do much of the repair work myself and even enjoy it.

[Thothmes]

32. Simple & Rugged

First car was a Model A Ford. Didn't even have an oil filter to change. No fuel pump. Set spark and plug gaps with a dime. Thats simple and rugged.

[longship]

16. I love it.

Here's my new baby.


(Actually this pic is not mine, but one just like it.)

18 years old. 190,000 miles. Drives beautifully. Near showroom condition.
And by the way, I can still service almost anything on it.

However, I *LOVE* the OP's oil change protocol.
<Q> If one substitutes martinis for beers, will the engine last longer?

My eighth Volvo, none of which were purchased new. Two of them have gone over a third a million miles on the original engine. One more got there via a rebuild which I did myself.

My favorite was a 1962 122s, kind of like this:

Remember Robt Redford's car in All the President's Men?

Swedish Bricks

[aint_no_life_nowhere]

26. The Volvo "Amazon" or Model 122 was a fantastic car

Truly one of the legendary cars of the past. Not only were they beautiful, but also very tough and fun to drive. This is one vintage car you can still pick up for a very reasonable price, some of them still in reasonable running condition. If I didn't already have 3 old cars to nurse, I might look for one on ebay.

[longship]

31. Somebody's selling a *brand* *new* Amazon at auction.

The last bid on it was well over $20k.

Now that would be ununsual. I think it's a 1967. It's "new old stock", never been titled, and has been kept in storage for 30 years. Who knows what condition it would be in. Unless the owner took pains to protect the rubber parts, and things like that, it would be in pretty rough shape. Also, I'll bet that the clutch and brakes are siezed. Maybe the engine, unless it was maintained and run regularly.

[redwitch]

19. now that is a pretty, pretty car!

Can I have it?

[dysfunctional press]

10. i used to do my own oil changes- but it just isn't worth it anymore.

they can do it for almost less than i can buy the oil and filter- never mind the time, effort, bother, and disposing of old oil.

[CRF450]

15. What??

I do 3k oil changes on my Trans Am and its way cheaper doing it myself than taking it to a quick lube place. Besides, I'd rather do my own work on my car than hand the keys to a stranger, who prolly never driven a high performance car! Much less a manual.

[dysfunctional press]

20. if you think that saving $5 is "way cheaper"- you live on a different plane than i.

i'll change my own brakes, but i leave the oil to the pro's.

[eridani]

25. Same here

I used to have more time than money, and now I have more money than time. I just hang around the Jiffy Lube and pay my bills, then stop off at the post office after.

[Breeze54]

14. What?!? I'm supposed to change the oil???

:rofl:

Loved it, Elwood P Dowd! :)

:thumbsup: :thumbsup:

[TahitiNut]

17. There was a story about 10 years ago about a woman with a '57 Chevy who called ...

... Chevrolet customer service. She'd owned the car since it was new (over 35 years) and wondered if she should get the oil changed. She'd never had the car maintained - other than to put gas in it. They asked how many miles she had driven it and she said the odometer had rolled at least once - so it was something like 125,000 miles.

I've forgotten more details but they bought the car back from her to examine and put on display. Apparently the oil and inside of the engine were clean and ran very nicely. Perhaps it's an urban myth, but I recall reading it in a newspaper - not email or the web.

[dysfunctional press]

21. a guy i worked with seriously didn't know that.

his engine seized up at 38k.

he had never even checked the oil.

[longship]

18. Recommended and kicked.

My wife always says to take it to Jiffy-Lube, but I prefer to do it the way of the OP.
Damn it! I just don't trust Jiffy Lube.

:kick:

[Mabus]

22. I don't either

I took our car in there once (husband insisted). They drained the fluids out but forgot to fill up the radiator with coolant. We got several miles away when we noticed the gauge had gone through the roof. :grr: We called and told them. They first denied it was their fault but they finally agreed to finish replacing the fluids if we took the car back. We were very lucky, there was no damage to the engine but that was the last time we used them.

[wildflowergardener]

23. oil change

I hate getting the oil changed. You go there and then they always try to sell you a bunch of stuff (repairs) you don't need. For once I wish they'd just change the oil. Curious - do they do that to men too or just women?

I also put it off too long.

Meg

[A HERETIC I AM]

41. They do it to men also...

Those Jiffy Lube places have a HUGE margin on Wiper Blades and all the other accessories they have as well as the other repairs and parts. I had a Chev Venture Mini-Van and it has, like most cars, I suppose, a filter for the Air conditioner. They pulled it out (or i should say i ASSUME it was from my car) and showed me this filter that needed to be replaced but they wanted over $125.00 for the damned thing. No thanks, i said. Just change the oil.

[roguevalley]

24. I love this. Men are so damned cute. Usually.

:evilgrin:

[lutefisk]

27. I'd never go to an oil change place. Dealer, maybe...

Last time I went to an oil change place was 1994. They left the oil cap off...which I didn't find out until I'd driven from Vegas to San Diego and back.

I tried my local Toyota dealer in 2004, but gave up on that when I found out that they used recycled oil.

"I can't get no satisfation."

[malaise]

29. LOL

It's not as bad as this but I can see this happening.

[Fierce]

30. Stupid.

I hate these things.

[GreenZoneLT]

33. Oh, that's just ridiculous.

Men don't write checks at the store.

I change my own oil, but strictly to maintain my hillbilly card. Costs about $12 to do it myself, and takes about 20 minutes, although if you amortize the cost of the tools I'm no doubt losing money on the deal.

I do avoid having to argue with the Minit-Lube idiots who try to sell me unnecessary additional work like oil "flushes" and whatnot. My favorite was when they tried to tell me I had "burned" transmission fluid, with engine oil in it, that needed replacing. I have a manual gearbox, which is lubricated with 30-weight motor oil.

[William Bloode]

34. Your example for a man, is well...a stupid man.

Not well organized either. Goes like this for me.

Buy case or two of oil and 4 filters once a year and keep them in garage. So when i am ready i do this.---->

Pull up to my shop.

Set out oil drain pan

Get right wrench, oilfilter wrench, oil and filter. (a smart man keeps them all together)

Step right outside with stuff.

Remove plug and filter, let drain.

Replace filter, and oil pan plug

Refill oil resevoir to correct level.

Takes me 10 minutes tops, mostly 5 if i don't get distracted. Costs me about $12-14.

[Catherine Vincent]

35. lol!

cute!

[Dorian Gray]

36. Cute...

:)

[NoGOPZone]

37. Pretty Funny

although I've heard too many horror stories to trust my car to Iffy Lube. When I'm due, I look at the newspaper ads to see what service franchise is running an oil change special and I take it there.

[negativenihil]

38. wow - such a sexist post...

...and yet everyone is lapping it right up.

had someone posted something that painted women in a negative light, there'd be hell to pay.

but hey - at least everyone got a laugh out of it right?

[lumberjack_jeff]

39. I wish we could make up our minds.

I think jokes about blondes with cellphones are every bit as funny as guys with beer, but one is sexist and the other is not.

But what do I know? I'm just a guy who changes his own oil.

[negativenihil]

40. sure

however if i or any other male posted a story about say... making dinner men vs women, and showed the man just ordering take out and having dinner done in short order for $20, vs a woman who insists on making everything herself and messing up the whole way through, only to end up having the man buy take out in the end...

we'd be burned at the stake here.

[A HERETIC I AM]

42. Oh for crying out loud...it's just a joke. Lighten up

There was a thread the other day about how Men vs Women use ATM's with Women taking the heat. Damn, it's just a joke. If you can't laugh at yourself once in a while ....well....

[Marrah_G]

43. Just goes to show my theory is right

No one should interact with any other human being at any time because it will most definitely offend someone somewhere!

Note: Personally I found it hysterical and so did the guys at my office.

[Gidney N Cloyd]

44. I always go to the Jiffy Lube next door to the dealer. That way every time>

they break something they can get the parts quick.