DU wits! Need your help in a birthday "roast" for my Republican brother in law!

[CTyankee]

It's gotta be funny and not scathing. But since spouse and I are his favorite liberal targets, he would probably expect something like this.

Here's the story on him: he just turned 80 and is very healthy and fit. He has had a good life since he went to college and law school, which he never could have if it weren't for the GI Bill (thank you Harry Truman). Of course he enjoys his Social Security check (thank you FDR), and Medicare (thank you LBJ). Of course it was also nice that FDR's administration presided over our winning WW2, not only knocking out very evil regimes but ushering in an era of great prosperity. And speaking of prosperity, I'm sure he appreciated the prosperity brought on by Bill Clinton's deficit erasure and leaving us with the greatest budget surplus EVER.

Your wit and witticisms (not ugly, but making the point)are needed and welcome!

[zanne]

1. I have no sense of humor when it comes to Republicans. nt

[Deep13]

2. He's the best conservative...

...the welfare state ever produced!

[Ikonoklast]

3. Ask him if he is a 'self-made' man

And if he answers 'yes' (which he most undoubtedly will), tell him to send me back the portion of tax money the government takes from me and gives to him.

After all, what 'self-made' man needs a handout?



Thank him for his service to our country, and tell him that at least a bad hair day, or stubbed toe didn't keep him from fighting for his country.

Unlike some others we all know.



Tell him 'Happy Birthday' for me, and wish him many more. Sounds like the 'old-school' type Republican you have there.

Honorable people to differ with.

[rurallib]

4. There has been an email going around

things you must believe to be a RepublKlan:
(just found it at http://www.azplace.net/index.php?itemid=307)

28 November 2003
Things you have to believe to be a Republican today

* Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

* The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

* Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

* “Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

* A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

* Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

* The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

* Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

* If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

* A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

* HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

* Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

* Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

* Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

* A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

* Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

* The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.

* You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

* What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.

* Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

[lpbk2713]

17. Good points.

Particularly about the flip-flopping in reference to Saddam.

[Highway61]

5. PM Graywarrior

Now THERE is witt! I'm sure he could come up with something!

[DrDan]

6. wasn't there a very funny joke about a "brazilian" posted on DU some time abo

let see, how did that go again . . . .

[Ian David]

7. How many Republicans does it take to screw-in a light-bulb?

Republicans don't screw in light-bulbs. Republicans screw in restrooms!

[fuzzy otter pop]

8. here use my lighter....

or some matches

[Atman]

9. For my high-school reunion speech...

I threw in a few Republican zingers (my reunion was in Florida, heart of Bush Country);

"I got stopped at the airport by the TSA...they asked me to turn on my lap top and wouldn't you know it, it opened up to my porn collection. I tried to play it cool; I placed my hand over my heart and proudly declared 'I love Bush!' Of course, that didn't work. Have you looked at any porn lately? I mean, who the hell has a BUSH anymore? That's sooooo seventies!"

Too blue?

:hi:

.

[Atman]

10. More tidbits...

I did a rundown of stuff that's happened since our graduation...you could do the same for him, talk about how things have changed since his birth.

----

"In 1977, Federal spending was $409.22 billion dollars, roughly what Dick Cheney currently spends annually on dry ice and raw herring for his secret undisclosed location. In 1977 British Airways introduced supersonic Concorde service between London and New York City; oddly enough, if the supersonic flights were still available today, you’d be required to arrive at the airport and wait in line for longer than the duration of the actual trans-Atlantic flight."

"Believe it or not, 1977 was also the year that Bill Clinton took public office for the first time, as Attorney General of Arkansas, shortly after receiving his law degree in from Yale University in 1973. Now, ironically, 1973 was also the year that a Dr. Bernard Lewinsky was handing out cigars to celebrate the birth of his daughter, Monica."

(This could work if you point out some other prominent Republican in the family -- reword as needed...it was a big hit at my reuion...)

"When I with you all last time, (Joe Smith) was here, all suited up, said he was going to run for public office. As a Republican Senator, which really surprised me because I didn’t even know he was gay!"

.

[CTyankee]

14. The last zinger is great but he has 2 grown gay kids and they'll be there.

My bil to his credit is prochoice and pro gay rights, which makes me wonder why he isn't a Democrat. Maybe spouse and I should just make him an honorary Democrat for the day!

[CTyankee]

15. Love it, but my sil would go into cardiac arrest! n/t

[onenote]

11. Here's a joke I just got. Pointed, but not too nasty

Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after
years of hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's
eye.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, I
love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?"

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."

His father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are
my pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is,
It's
yours."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."

His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you bring
much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."

His father bought him Disney Studios.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my
life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish, I will get it
for you."

His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I would like a
Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit."

His father bought him the Republican Party.

[Beausoleil]

12. A Day in the Life of Joe Republican

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow of water, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to ensure their safety and that they work as advertised.
All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance - now Joe gets it too.

He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained.

Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for the laws to stop industries from polluting our air.

He walks on the government-provided sidewalk to subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union.

If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn't think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

It is noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime. Joe also forgets that his in addition to his federally subsidized student loans, he attended a state funded university.

Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards to go along with the tax-payer funded roads.

He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans.

The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification.

He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.

Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day. Joe agrees: "We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have."



This has been cruising the tubes for some time now.
Maybe you can use some of these as one-liners or edit to taste!

[CTyankee]

16. Perfect! Got some good lines out of that.

I also like the story Al Gore used to relate when GW Bush was going around the country a little old lady said she was supporting him because she "didn't want some big government program taking over my Medicare!"

[Beausoleil]

18. !

:thumbsup:

Good luck with the roast and have fun!

[lpbk2713]

13. You could quote him a great line ....

Usually attributed to Everett Dirksen (R-Illinois)....

“A billion here and a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking real money."


Obviously BushCo never heard that one.