Help!!!! My FIL, the ultimate wingnut, is coming over tonight!

[Ishoutandscream2]

My wife hasn't seen her dad in about four years, even though he only lives 75 miles away. He is divorced from my wife's mother, and he remarried a like minded person. Let me give you some background.

He is a former emergency room doctor with a terrible God-complex. He wants to be the center of attention, and he has the social skills of a toddler. He goes into long monologues with a manic look in his eye. And guess what his monologues are about - you guessed it, the dangerous Democrats and, ahem, minorities, specifically African Americans.

"John" saw the worst when he worked in emergency rooms at Parkland and Methodist hospitals in Dallas. He established his hateful views toward black people because he dealt with them on a constant basis. And of course, he was seeing the worst element of people. Kids abused by parents, drive by victims, crack addicts, etc. etc. etc.

One time I tried to tell him he was just seeing the worst element within a community, not the entire community. With that, he railed at me and went off on a monologue against African Americans. You wouldn't believe the things he's said - from just "killing them all" to "shipping them back to Africa." I would try to be reasonable and attempt to refocus him, but to no avail.

"John" contracted esophageal (sp) cancer around 10 years ago and was given a 10 percent chance to live. Thanks to his wealth, he was able to go to Boston and have the best surgeon operate on him. He has been cancer free since. I know, the mean ones live forever.

The last time we saw him was four years ago. My son was 3 at the time, and was having a hard time. We had adopted an infant, and he was having a hard time with it. "John" continued to force himself on my boy, wanting instant attention. Finally, my FIL grabbed my boy and held him on the floor. My son spat in his face, and John stormed out of the house, saying my son was mentally ill and needed treatment. My wife attempted to talk to him outside, but he left in a huff.

My wife, the devoted daughter, tries to keep contact with this man. Finally, he called and said he would be over today. His present state, in my opinion, is worse. He and his wife live in the country, because he hates people. He has a safe full of guns. The last time I was there, I saw an Ann Coulter book in his library. Everyone is out to get him, and he still mentions moving somewhere where there are no "n&&&&&s." I am not ready for his manic rants tonight.

I have talked to my 12 year old daughter. I asked her if she knew the N word (she said no, I was so happy) and talked to her about what my FIL will probably say. I explained to her that she would probably hear some very offensive things, but that she just needed to know that John was not right mentally. I said he would say mean things about Democrats, especially Hillary (who my daughter supports for president, even though she obviously can't vote), and that she just needs to ignore it and let him rant. I told her we just needed to weather the storm, and hopefully the night would go smoothly. Even my wife said we should just shower this man with attention and things would go well.

Just to let you know - my FIL is no longer working and is drawing disability. Yes, the man who rants against "weak" and "lazy" people is essentially on the dole because of his "mental instability." I guess that's good for all of us - I certainly wouldn't want this man working on me. He is just a sick man who sits in his country hideaway thinking evil thoughts and that the world is out to get him. He has his guns in the safe ready for the inevitable day that the minorities revolt and try to overthrow the white race. And he's coming over. I hope he doesn't read DU... God help us.

[liberalnurse]

1. Talk about the republican health care plans.

O8)

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

7. That's right. Just listen to W. "Go to the ER" (@ Parkland) if you get sick!

[Ishoutandscream2]

8. No thanks. I want to live

This man is frightening.

[liberalnurse]

44. Oh Boy!

I'm trying to think of ways to avoid him but I'm coming up empty.

[silverweb]

2. Good luck.

Keep your cool and let us know afterwards how it went.

[K Gardner]

3. Store all children, pets and other innocent creatures in a safe place.

Otherwise, I'll look forward to your report tomorrow on how the "other half" thinks... :-) Good luck.

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

4. Wow. How does he get to invite himself over to your home?

Keeping family relations, even with objectionable people, I understand. But not when they act like an ass within your home, what with racist rants, trying to discipline your child etc.

[Ishoutandscream2]

10. It will be interesting

My oldest can now understand the things he talks about. That's why I have been talking to her. My son says he doesn't even remember seeing my FIL, and he is such a sweet, well behaved kid. I'm so thankful for that.

[pennylane100]

5. Get very drunk before he comes

and make sure your wife is there for the kids before you pass out.

[Ishoutandscream2]

I have the magaritas ready

I may need to be a little tipsy tonight to weather the storm.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

6. Why on earth is he coming over?

I would be strongly tempted to be somewhere else...

And to take my daughter with me!

Good luck...

You're going to need it!

:scared:

[Ishoutandscream2]

12. My wife, the dutiful oldest daughter

And she knows how her father is. If he were my dad, I would never make overtures toward him.

[lame54]

47. Slip a mickey in his drink...

hopefully his snoring isn't as repulsive as his speaking

[Warpy]

9. When he starts a rant, walk out

walk out of the room, walk out of the house and if he follows you, drive off. Yes, leave him there ranting, you, your wife and the kids.

Come back in about half an hour and ask "Are you done yet?" If he starts back in, walk away again.

This guy needs some serious potty training. It might be too late to give him any, but you need to protect your kids from his poison.

I'm astonished he survived in the hospital system. I wrote up Dr. God all the time, and action was taken.

[karlrschneider]

14. Sounds like the perfect response!

:P

[Ishoutandscream2]

34. You're right. I don't want my kids hearing his hateful rants

I don't want them jaded by this man. My kids are sweet, positive kids who see the best in people. I'm hoping my FIL will behave himself tonight (you're right again, I am concerned more about an adult than my kids in term of behavior).

[Warpy]

49. I did that to my parents

during their brief fascination with Lamebawl when he had his TV show. It didn't last long, my folks eventually saw it was snake oil, but while it lasted, I did the potty training.

They learned in record time. Your FIL will probably take a lot longer.

[Mz Pip]

11. The best advice I ever received

was "You can't control what other people do or say but you can control how you respond."

He sounds like a guy who likes to bait people, inflame them, get a reaction. It's a power thing with people like that. It gives them a sense of control.

But you have power, too. You do not have to engage with him. Do not take the bait. Don't argue. Don't respond. If you can't totally ignore him, a simple response like "Whatever. Would you like a cup of tea?" might suffice.

You can't change this guy and trying to change his mind about anything will just frustrate you and make him feel smug.

Mz Pip
:dem:

[Ishoutandscream2]

17. Very good post. I think you nailed it

I am keeping quiet.

[TahitiNut]

13. Here. (He'll understand.)

:rofl:

[Kingshakabobo]

20. I was thinking of this:

..... I figure one would need your idea to finish him off.

[Ishoutandscream2]

35. Tahiti, whatever I would pull out, his would be bigger

LOL! Guns are phallic, aren't they?

[Botany]

15. There is nothing you can do or say that will change him.

So keep it light stay away from "hot button" topics, and ask him
to respect your house and family if he goes off the deep end. I am
divorced from the family now but I had a rich bitch of a SiL who had
called home from New Zealand to complain that she was having a
hard time getting parts for her Mercedes where she was at .... her and
a group of rich friends would have thier cars shipped around the world
and they would fly there and "tool around" in their own cars. When I mentioned
global warming and why could't they just rent a car when they got to the country
I was met with ice cold silence.

Remember he will not change .... so do not try.

[blondie58]

16. wow

people like that really exist.
Please take every precaution that you can- light some aromatherapy candles that might have a soothing affect on him, have HIS favorite beer, heck, slip some valium in his drink, whatever it takes.

We'll be thinking positive thoughts for you and anxiously awaiting your report.

Good luck!

[Ishoutandscream2]

28. Oh yes, they do.

You are so fortunate, Blondie. I'll let ya'll know tomorrow, or possibly late tonight.

[nannah]

18. reminds me of my father

he's also a retired doctor who has very negative things to say about people who are poor. i've been a social worker for years. it's always difficult to discuss things with him. he has been ill for the last year or so and i try to visit him every two or three months (he lives 1500 miles from me). his wife is more ignorant than he is but cries and leaves the room if we are discussing politics. the thing to focus on is you have to live with the decisions you make as the child of someone with views that are discordant to your own when that person dies. your treatment of that person is a measure of who you are, not who they are.

[AlCzervik]

19. just be polite, he is who he is and thats that.

you'll save yourself a lot of aggravation if you can just do that--be polite, you're hosting, he's your guest.

[Perry Logan]

21. Grin maniacally as you tell him how glad you are that Hillary will have dictatorial powers.

[Ishoutandscream2]

29. Perry, you must have met him

If he is in one of his moods, this will probably be his first topic.

[krispos42]

41. "If you didn't want Hillary to have Bush's presidental powers..."

"...you shouldn't have given Bush those powers to begin with."


We had a hot political discussion on Christmas with my uncle. Who's a unionized school teacher in New York.

I made sure to tell him that a) Republicans hate him because he's union, b) he's lucky because he has a union advocating for and protecting his job, and c) his job can't be shipped overseas.

I, on the other hand, don't have b) or c).

[TNDemo]

22. I can see why he chose emergency medicine.

You don't have to develop a relationship with your patients, just herd them in and out, and you get to play the God character - in control of their fate, etc., while they are there. We had some toxic relatives too, thankfully all gone now. Good luck. Will be interesting to see how it goes.

[Ishoutandscream2]

38. He couldn't work for, or with, others

He tried a private practice many years ago with another doctor, and it failed. All because it always has to be about my FIL. Of course, he had serious rows with the people he worked with in the ER's. And oh how he hated hospital administrators.

[nebenaube]

23. uh...

He's on the public dole for mental instability and he owns a safe full of guns? WTF? What state?

[Ishoutandscream2]

40. The "state" of Texas

I hate guns, but even I was raised on how to use them. My God, it's like it's some rite of passage here. I'll never understand it.

[aquart]

24. If he's getting disability....

That means he has a serious and diagnosed mental illness. Does anyone in the family know what it is? If he's medicated?

[Ishoutandscream2]

30. He has been medicated. I don't know about that now

But you're right, he has to be treated for the illness in order to draw disability.

[bluedeminredstate]

25. I have a brother-in-law

with similar views. The day JFK,Jr's plane was reported missing he came downstairs where we were all spending some time at my parent's house and laughingly told me that one of my "Democrat buddies just bought the farm." I had heard nothing about it yet as we hadn't had the TV on and asked him for details. He laughed as he told me that not only was JFK,Jr. dead but so was his wife and her sister. I called him an asshole and have barely spoken to him since. To laugh about a mother losing TWO CHILDREN was more than I could take.

I think you have to stand up to your FIL if he talks like a bigot in front of your kids. Other than that welcome your wife's father as you would any guest and good luck. But there's nothing wrong with stating the truth if he goes off on one of his hatefests.

Ironic that he "sucking off of gummint's teat... Of course he probably sees it as owed to him for all the "overtaxation" he got shafted with.
:crazy:

[dropkickpa]

26. I would tell him

That one inappropriate comment and you are taking the children to a movie. They don't need to hear that shit. The minute he starts say "Okay kids, time to go. We'll be back at xx:xxpm." If your wife wants to deal with that, fine, he's her father and it's her choice, but your kids don't need to be subjected to it.

[benEzra]

51. Excellent idea. (n/t)

[nightrider767]

27. I just went through that....

Christmas dinner with my step dad and my sisters father in law. Two Archie Bunkers...

Can you believe I was stuck listening to these two dip-shits first advocating the expansion of the war and then more tax cuts for the wealthy. Two bitter old men who haven't payed a nickle for the war and never will. And now, they want to pay even less for helping to fund their lunacy in the form of tax cuts...

My plan was to keep my level of alcohol high and to just ignore them. But that doesn't work. It was frustrating and unfair to me.

It's your house, I'd recommend you tell him at the first opportunity, no politics, and let him know, if he uses the "N" word, especially in front of your kid, you're gonna kick him out.

Good luck!

[Vinca]

31. My condolences, Ishout. I think there comes a time when it is not inappropriate

to tell "family" to go to hell. Seriously. Please check in when he leaves so we know you're still alive.

[in_cog_ni_to]

32. That man wouldn't be allowed in my home and my children certainly wouldn't be exposed to his racist

rants. I have a brother who went on a rant like that one day, in front of my son, who was 9 at the time and I haven't spoken to him since and my son thinks his Uncle is a racist pig...which he IS and wants nothing to do with him either. He was SHOCKED at what came out of my brother's mouth because my brother knew FULL WELL that one of my son's best friends is black and he still went on his huge tirade. He's a LIAR and a RACIST and people like that make your life freakin' miserable. Who needs them? I know I don't.

Wash your hands of the man and let him live his miserable freakin' life alone!

[EFerrari]

33. He sounds like he has some paranoia going. I wouldn't leave him

alone with the kids OR try to challenge him in any way.

In fact, I'd frisk him before letting him in.

Attention and agreement where you can actually give it honestly are probably the way to get through the evening without a meltdown.

Good luck!

[KelleyKramer]

36. If he gets too over the top ....

If all else fails and you think you are going to lose it...

Try just laughing. Dont say anything, just laugh.

Sometimes it can actually confuse them because they arent sure where your coming from (or going) with it.

It doesnt work on everyone, but it sounds like this guy is so far gone it wont matter.

And sometimes laughing will keep you from screaming and wanting to choke the sob.

[nadinbrzezinski]

37. Good luck and as a former medic, if I followed his logic

I'd hate all americans

:-)

Long story.

Just don't get into an argument and let him talk... he does have some, ahem issues

[symbolman]

39. you need

a BIG ass Dog :)

One that loves the kids and hates the old man. You know that dogs can be a big pain in the ass "if you let them". Maybe after it shits in his shoes (have him remove shoes upon entering) he'll Buy A Clue. :)

There's one in every family, believe it or not

[hwmnbn]

42. This is your home and these are your children...

did he just invite himself over??

Me personally, if someone is sick mentally and hate filled, he stays away from my kids. Why not meet him without your children somewhere in a public place like a restaurant? If he craves attention that much, his manic rants could get him lots of it from the police or mental health authorities.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Ishoutandscream2]

43. Thanks to all of you for allowing me on your "couch"

I just needed someone like minded to talk to. I will give you a report as soon as possible. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that things will go okay.

Thanks again to all of you for your kind thoughts. I'm taking my son out for a hamburger and we're going to talk.

[iamahaingttta]

45. I am so glad...

...I don't have any people like that in my family.

Good luck!

[Karenina]

46. In your position, I would give the kids a subtle signal code.

The moment Opa goes off you wink or whatever and you three claim a previous engagement and quickly head OUT THE DOOR to the mall, a movie, WHATEVER. ALL THE BEST TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!!! :hug:

[The Straight Story]

48. Tell him to sign up here and spew it so we can educate him

;)

[nadinbrzezinski]

50. Now that is naughty

:-)

Coal for you young man

[benEzra]

52. My sympathies. Let us know how it goes. (n/t)

[Ishoutandscream2]

53. Everything went well guys. I started another thread

I'm very relieved. Thanks for the good vibes.