A public thank you to DUer lapislzi for words of wisdom

[theHandpuppet]

Some months ago, in a rather discouraged and frustrated mood, I had posted a thread about some of my experiences in donating to a local food pantry. (see: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=389&topic_id=1110349)

At the time I couldn't see that my giving was not full and honest. I was full of doubt, judgments and cynicism even as I "gave". But then lapislzi posted some words of wisdom that really resonated with me more than they may ever know, words I have carried with me ever since. It totally changed my perspective on the true nature of giving. Yesterday I had an experience which once again challenged me for what it really means to give, fully and honestly, and at that moment lapislzi's words came back to me.

So thank you, lapislzi, for making a positive change in my life which, in turn, may help to bring about something positive in the life of others. I wanted you to know that your wisdom didn't just fade away on a discussion board but had a real-life impact. I am reposting what you wrote to me some months ago because perhaps your words will help someone else who might be full of doubts.

With gratitude, here is what lapislzi taught me about the true nature of giving:

If you want to actually feed people (as opposed to nourishing them, which is a different discussion), you have to give them what they will eat. That is your reality.

You have already made the decision to give. You can choose not to give if you are uncomfortable with the use or nature of your gifts. That's your choice, but once you've chosen to give, the recipient is free to choose. It's out of your hands.

I go through this all the time with people regarding the donation of money. We had a needy family in my office some months ago. I donated cash, figuring that the needy could and would use it as they saw fit. A co-worker of conservative stripe refused to give cash, saying, "I don't want them spending it on junk. They should use the money to buy groceries." So, don't give cash, then. Give a grocery store gift card. "Well, I don't want them buying junk food or beer." Ultimately, it is not your decision. In good faith, you choose to give. Once you've chosen, it's out of your hand.

That is how in good conscience I can give to certain charities and not others. But I can always give with an open hand, no strings attached. If I give money (or goods), it's not mine any more to say what people should do with it. If I give money to an indigent person on the street, it is with full knowledge that that person might go across the street to the liquor store and drink up my $20 in 20 minutes. So I choose before I give. And I try never to judge the recipient. An indigent alcoholic is just as needy as the next person.

[Robbien]

1. You are right, it is a good post and good advice from lapislzi

Very much deserving of a call out thread.

recommended.

[Viva_La_Revolution]

2. Wise words...

from a DU'er. I'm not surprised. :)

If you care to share, what happened yesterday that made these words resonate with you?

[theHandpuppet]

5. Certainly, I'd be happy to share

I had to make a stop at the local library yesterday. It's one of the few places in our town where folks who are homeless or cold can spend some time in a warm and comfortable place. On the way in I was approached by a rail-thin woman who said she was homeless and hungry and could she trouble me for a few cents for a meal? To be honest, the woman appeared to be strung out as well. In the past I would have looked at her and thought, "Yeah, and you're probably going to take whatever money I give you and buy booze or drugs." But now each time I am challenged, lapislzi's words come back to me. Who would benefit by my NOT giving? Would this poor woman, whose life it is not for me to judge, feel better because I refused her a few pennies? Would I feel superior having judged her as "unworthy" of caring? By letting go I was able to free myself as well. I gave her five dollars and in my mind hoped that if there is a higher power, she is looking upon this woman with kindness.

Later, on the way out, a bedraggled old man tapped on my car window, similarly hoping for a few cents. The last time I made a snap judgment about a man such as this one, I later learned he was a vet whose life was irrevocably damaged in Vietnam. I can't begin to tell you how ashamed I felt. Who benefitted then? Neither of us. But this time, once again lapislzi's words came back to me and I was able to give and let go.

Over dinner last night I told my partner about both of these experiences and the DU post that really made such a change in my life and perhaps in the lives of others. That's why I just had to say thanks.

lapislzi, you did make a difference.

[lapislzi]

7. Thank you for sharing.

Another story:

Many years ago when I hadn't been with my SO for very long, he sold a manuscript and was paid $2,000 for it--a princely sum for us at the time because we were dead broke. He ran down the street to the bank, cashed the check and handed a $50 bill to the first homeless person he saw. By that time, I already knew he was the one, but that act sure did reinforce it for me. I am still proud of him for it. Wonder if he knows. Babe, are you reading this?

[MuseRider]

3. Very nice indeed

and very nice of you to post your thanks.

Once upon a time someone said much the same to me. Since then I give and they decide what it is they most need and if someone is a con? Well, better to be conned than to never give.

Pass it along, that is how a good society grows and helps itself. :hug:

[lapislzi]

4. Aw, shucks, handpuppet...

yer makin' me cry. :hug: :hug: :hug:

Like most wisdom, it was hard won, the hard way.

Let us all give with open hands now and throughout the coming year, as witnessed by another DUer:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=389&topic_id=2505292&mesg_id=2505292

Peace to you,
Ginny

[Asgaya Dihi]

6. That's worth a rec

That's probably the most powerful thing about the internet. Not the vids, the shopping, not downloads or movies, but just the ability to talk to a wide variety of people and get a new point of view.

The rest is just something to kill time between moments of insight :)

[riona]

8. Thank you for this post

This is one of those messages to remember always.

[tblue37]

9. Last January, during a particularly brutal weather spell,

I was approached by a couple who looked very down on their luck. They asked me for $3 to buy gas for their car. Besides being freezing cold outside, it was very windy, and freezing rain was falling. It was truly miserable. I gave them $7, which was all I had in my purse. I carry very little cash these days, because like everyone else I mostly use a debit card.

Later I mentioned it on DU, in reference to the fact that Salvation Army kettles are getting skimped these days because most of us carry so little cash on us. Some posters chastised me, saying this was a common scam, and the couple would probably buy booze with it.

I said that if they needed that booze badly enough to stand outside for long periods of time in freezing rain and blustery winds (they were out there for over a half hour before I left the store to get into my car, which is when they approached me), then they needed the money more than I did, and they were welcome to use it for whatever would make them feel better that night.

I now deliberately stuff quarters and ones into my coat pocket when I head for the store, for the Salvation Army kettles, but also because I want to be able to hand some cash to anyone like that who seems to need it.

Oh--and K&R.

[TygrBright]

10. An excellent reminder: AND a challenge!

I wonder how many other DUers are like my esposo and me. We have a big ceramic bank on his dresser, and whenever we have change, we stick it in the bank rather than letting it rattle around on the dresser top or roll all over the floor. Mostly pennies, but plenty of nickels, dimes, and even quarters. Theoretically, we'll take it to the bank once or twice a year and deposit it (once we did that when it was nearly full and it was about eighty bucks, but that was after letting it go for a long time) but we keep forgetting.

Here's the challenge:

Tomorrow, I'm gonna empty that bank into a sturdy canvas tote bag. I'm gonna take it out with me when I'm running errands, and I'm gonna upend it into the first Sal kettle I see.

Who'll do the same?

instigationally,
Bright

[tblue37]

11. I don't have such a change bank. But I use my coat

pocket that way. I stick change and ones in for that purpose. I don't dump it all into a single kettle, though. I just reach in and grab a couple of ones or a handful of change whenever I pass a kettle. I see the bell ringers out there in sometimes very nasty weather, and I like to make sure that I can put something into each kettle, becuase I hate to think of a bell ringer making all that effort outsdie in the winter and not having something in his/her kettle.

One regular bell ringer I often see at the grocery store, obviously a hired ringer rather than a volunteer, always gets more from me than the others. As he rings, he closes his eyes and really gets into it, using his bells as a musical instrument and making something lively and beautiful rather than just "dingaling dingaling." I like to put more in his kettle just because he puts so much into his ringing.