My mom had brain surgery, now she thinks the dog is dead and my dad is alive.....

[Clinton Crusader]

Need advice on how to handle the situation.

She collapsed on Dec. 8. My dad passed on Dec. 8 last year. She had emergency brain surgery Dec. 9, came out of ICU yesterday, now she's in a regular bed, I spoke to her for the first time today. She is very confused, she thinks our dog is dead, my dad is alive and she's going home tomorrow. Meanwhile, she's going to rehab after the hospital for probably a couple of months.

Last week, my aunt went to see her and she was saying 'her husband died', now she's asking me 'how daddy is'. It's quite traumatizing to hear your mother like this and I just don't know how to handle it. Agree with her? Contradict her? Explain? Don't bother because it's going in one ear and out the other? I can't see her till next week, because I have to go to radiation for cancer this week, so I will be face to face next week.

If anyone here has experienced this, any advice would be great. The dr.s don't think it will last with rehab, but I'm scared.

Thanks.

[SoCalDem]

1. Just let her talk to you, and when you get a chance, remind her

that her memories are coming back to her in a mixed up order..

I'm sorry that you have such a heavy load at Christmastime.:hug:

and show her photo albums when she gets home.. That might help her..

She may need to grieve for him all over again :cry:

[librechik]

2. yes--just say you'll talk it all over with her when she's better.

it'll make you feel better too.

:hug:

[JuniperLea]

5. Good advice

A lot can change as she heals.

[SoCalDem]

11. After my friend had brain surgery, she not only didn't know us,

she did not remember that she had 2 kids.. We had to re-teach her about her life.. My friend debbie and I took turns staying with her (her ratbastard husband bugged out) and taking care of her kids while she recovered. She eventually remembered them (or at least she said she did).. It was so hard on those kids to see her in that way (They were 7 and 4)..

She died at home on her 36th birthday.. We did not know exactly what to do, so we called the police to come out, and then we lied and aid we were her sisters, so they would not take Adam & Courtney away..

That was a totally F'ed up day :cry:

[Clinton Crusader]

16. 36! OMG, how horrifying....

I am so sorry, I am sorry I even brought this up, because of all these terrible stories. Those poor children. What kind of a person leaves?!?! Good Lord!

[SoCalDem]

20. We had to ransack her house to find phone numbers

& find family.. All Adam knew was that his Grandma's name was " Grandma" and she lived in Indiana..

We finally got in touch with ratbastard (he worked for bechtel..and had gone to Kuwait..with his girlfriend).. he made the funeral arrangements by phone and left everything else up to us.. he also gave us the info on "Grandma" and told us to just have a garage sale & sell all the "junk"..

[lumberjack_jeff]

28. That's F'ed up.

I'm sorry that you (and her children) had to go through that.

[TheDebbieDee]

31. My daughters are young adults now (23 & 20 yo)......

but when they were little I spent a lot of time worrying about what would happen to them if something happened to me........

[question everything]

52. This is why you need a will, so you can determine who

takes care of the kids, not the state.

And while at it, make sure you have a willing will, so you won't end up like Terri Schiavo..

[madeline_con]

35. OMG what a horrible situation.

Please tell me this jerk didn't get the kids. :(

[Clinton Crusader]

46. What a hideous person!!!

What about his kids!?!?! Didnt he care about his kids??????

[SoCalDem]

48. HGe told us to buy them TRAIN tickets and he would reimburse us..

Debbie & I & Grandma scraped together enough to get Grandma out there (This was near Albuquerque) and once she was there she went into ABQ and went to family services or whatever they called it.. She got some help and took the kids back with her to Indiana.. Dave never DID come back.. he had bechtel sell his house for him, and after a year or so, we lost touch with Grandma..but at least the kids were NOT with HIM :grr:

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

38. Priceless Love!!! I am overwhelmed with your example of complete 'love'.

WOW!

:wow:

Thank you for sharing that.

:hug: Thank you, so much!!!!

It's inspiring to witness such selfless acts of love. :hug:

I have no doubt your friend is at complete peace, having such a loving 'family' at her side.

[JuniperLea]

44. So sad!

I'm glad you lied.

My grandmother had a stroke, and although she recovered 95% of her memory, it was pretty dicey for a while. I can't imagine any form of dementia in someone so young, with young children.

You were an angel that day...

[shireen]

54. my deepest condolences ...

i am so sorry to hear about your friend. Did you and your friend get custody of her kids? I hope they're OK.

:hug:

[shireen]

55. just caught up with the posts.

Hope her kids are OK with Grandma.

[SoCalDem]

61. We all lost touch after while, but I think they did OK

They were quite young, and kids are very resilient..

We moved to Calif and Debbie moved to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, and then we all lost touch..

The last I heard, the Indiana family was having her body exhumed and moved to Indiana. We all felt badly to see her buried in New mexico (which she loathed), all by herself, with no one there to remember her.. That was in 1989 I think ..That was the last we heard.

[Clinton Crusader]

6. that's prob. true...

I asked how she was feeling, then offered, 'max is fine'

Max is the dog, whom she is very attached to, that's when she said 'what? max is dead'. I was like, oh boy, we got a problem. The doctor said sometimes she thinks it's 1938, sometimes it's 2007.

Yes, that's good, let her talk, and thanks, yes, Christmas last year was my dad's funeral, this year she was coming up to stay with us (we live in Lake George NY), but she collapsed Dec. 8 after not taking BP meds for 2 weeks.

Ill let her talk, good advice.

[OzarkDem]

21. It happens more than you think

Sudden, debilitating illness will usually make a bad marriage/relationship fall apart, as opposed to strengthening it.

So glad your mom has you to help her out, I'm sure she'll recover ok and will get her memories back in order soon.

(oops, meant to be a response to your post above about SoCalDem's friend's tragic situation).

[fenriswolf]

3. keep her comfortable and happy

trying to make her realize her husband is dead will only hurt and scare her. If it is anything like my fathers senility you cannot force her mind to work correctly. You have to work within the confines of her demintia. if she has no short term memory tell her that her husband is fishing, or at the market or whatever. If she is going to heal she will do it in her own way. If she doesnt you need to make her as comfortable and happy as possible. My dad can no longer add simple numbers, 2+2 confuse the heck out of him. Whats even worse is that he knows it is very simple that a child can do it. If i try to teach him he gets even more frusterated because he just doesnt comprehend. anywasy hope that helped.

[Clinton Crusader]

39. Totally agree

Im not gong to mention it at all, when she did, I went right over it and didnt even answer her.

Im going to let HER talk....

[LittleClarkie]

58. I was just going to say that. If it's anything like dealing with dementia

then you just go with them wherever they are at that moment.

[Horse with no Name]

4. It will take some time

The synapses need time to start firing in the right order again.
Gently prompt her when she is confused.
The brain is a remarkable organ...but sometimes can take up to a year or more to get things straight.

[TexasBushwhacker]

7. This is rough

My mother died of breast cancer that spread to her brain in early 2004. It caused a lot of stroke-like symptoms, including memory loss. I lived with her the last 6 months of her life, and one night I found her sitting on the edge of her bed, crying. I asked her if she was in pain and she said, "No, but how did I end up like this?" She didn't remember that she had cancer! The thing is, your mom probably realizes that she's confused, so getting things straightened out may not be as difficult as you anticipate. Telling her about your dad will be difficult for both of you. If you have a copy of his obituary, you might want to bring it, and get someone to make a video tape of the dog (even just something on their cell phone) so that she can see that he's alive and well. Anything that she can look at or listen to may jog her memory some.

[Clinton Crusader]

13. Oh my that is so sad...

Im so sorry about your mom, I also have breast cancer so it hits a nerve. I am so sorry.

The thing is my aunt went to see her last week, and she was gently crying in ICU saying Im all alone my huband died. Now, today, she's asking me how's daddy. When I see her next week, maybe I should bring photos of the dog, I dont know, no pics of Dad, though, dont think it's wise.

It's funny, when you're a child, you never ever think of your parents this way. It's all so sad.

[OzarkDem]

23. Well you sure have enough to deal with

make sure to take care of yourself, too. :hug:

[gateley]

8. If the doctors think she will improve, that's something to hang on to.

My dad had Parkinson's dementia which presents itself like Alzheimer's -- it's devastating to see your mom or dad like that. I'm so sorry for you, and will keep you and your mom in my prayers.

A support group might help you at this time, too. Please let us know how she's doing.

:hug:

[Clinton Crusader]

18. Thank you, gateley, that's the worst part, seeing your mom like this...n/t

[book_worm]

9. I think it just takes time--have you discussed this with the doctor?

it might be fairly common after something like this.

[NNN0LHI]

10. My advice if you can afford it is hire someone talented with people in your mothers situation

They are out there but not that easy to find. Usually found through word of mouth. Good people in this field are unique and rare.

I also think this type of situation is too difficult for family members to deal with alone.

Good luck.

Don

[TwilightGardener]

12. Without knowing the details, it's hard to say how much memory she'll recover, but

having been an ICU nurse for a few years, I'm inclined to agree with her doc--once out of the hospital and back into familiar surroundings and a familiar routine, she may very well become re-oriented and regain her memory, especially with rehab. Give her time to heal, she'll probably improve, although I know it must be alarming for you right now.

[Clinton Crusader]

24. Thanks wienerdoggie AND ALL OF YOU, I think what's got me so coiled up...

is the fact that this has been a non stop roller coaster.

My dad passed out of the clear blue last Dec. 8 Less than 3 months later, I was diag. with breast cancer, didnt tell my mom right away, as she was all alone in a big house grieving and I thought she might have a heart attack or nervous breakdown or something (Im an only child), Im considered disabled and am on SS Disability, only had Hosp. coverage, so basically uninsured, am now well over $87,000 in debt from cancer treatment, my dad left my mom in a horrific catastrophic financial mess, which I am still trying to clean up, my mom in a clinical depression over my dad, foreclosure on the doorstep, now this. And I swear Im not making a word of this up. Now talking to my mom (Im not entirely sure she knew who she was talking to) and it was so scary and sad.

You're all so kind and supportive. And you're all correct, maybe I need to give it time and let the drs. do what they need to. But ti was all such a shock and you used the right word - alarming.

Thank you all so so much.

[TwilightGardener]

32. My gosh, you have a lot on your plate. I hope you have someone to lean on--

that's an incredible amount of stress on anybody--you must be one tough cookie. God bless and I'll say a prayer for you and your mom.

[Clinton Crusader]

36. My poor husband, but I try not to dump on him...

Nah, not a tough cookie at all. I have my crying jags, but I do it alone, don't want to upset my husband. Except I did have one in the car yesterday going to the hosp for radiation.

Someday there'll be peace, but this just isn't the time. I can't go sit in a corner and cry, that isn't going to solve anything, so you forge ahead, right?

[slackmaster]

14. How awful for your family - I hope she gets some clarity soon

I dread that kind of thing happening to my mom. She's hard enough to deal with as she is.

[AndyA]

15. You might talk to her doctor for advice on how to deal with this.

The son of a friend of mine had brain surgery a few weeks ago after being found unconscious in an alley, and his thoughts were very mixed up as well. The doctor said this was normal, and would clear up with time. He still has no idea what happened to him, or how he got to that alley.

The kid got very angry at his parents for no reason, too. Then he would go back to normal a few minutes later. He is coming around more and more as time goes by, perhaps it will be the same with your mom.

I hope she gets better soon, and try not to let this upset you. I'll send good thoughts your way. :)

[pnwmom]

17. Many hospitals have psychiatric social workers or other counsellors on staff

whose job it is to help families cope with issues like this. Ask one of the nurses if there is someone there who can help advise you on how to talk to your mother.

Good luck!!!!!!

[xultar]

19. It may take some time for things to heal and line up. It has only been a little while.

[Occam Bandage]

22. This is rough, and it's tough to handle. What you need to do is

first realize that she is not well, but that she will probably get better. Her brain is jumbled still, but it will repair with therapy; these things are rarely permanent.

Now, it sounds like she's still perfectly awake, and she's thinking perfectly clearly (in her mind), and she has the same emotions triggered by the same things. She's probably very confused and very frustrated. This means two things:

1. You ought not to further upset her. Take great patience (I'm sure you are) and realize that when there's a disconnect, she's probably just as frustrated and disturbed as you are listening to her, if not more so. It's very difficult when you believe something very important very strongly, and a loved one is telling you that's not the case, no matter whether you're standing or sitting.

2. You don't have to lie to her. She will likely remember very little of what you say, but it will probably be better for both of you if you do not lie. Be gentle, but clear. Above all, no matter what you tell her, be understanding. If she remembers later, great. If she doesn't, that's all right.

I don't know the details, so I can't tell you for certain, but this is likely going to be a relatively brief period. Your doctors could tell you better than any of us.

[Warpy]

25. Just listen for now

She's going to make it, and that's the important part. After any brain surgery, there is post operative swelling and that is probably what is responsible for much of her confusion. You can start slowly reorienting her to the present in a week or so, as the swelling goes down and she can begin to recover. If she still thinks your Dad is alive, that's probably a protective thing. Go with the flow. Just tell her she's not well enough to leave the hospital yet and keep repeating it. She'll forget every time.

The most progress after any brain injury is made in the first 6 months, then slow progress is made for 2 years. After that, people can still progress, but the process is extremely slow. Rehab is definitely where she needs to be, and she'll need a lot of support, including harsh words and nagging when appropriate, from you.

For now, just hope for the best. If she gets annoyed with you for reminding her of something, let it go immediately. Make sure visitors are kept to two at a time, a crowd can be completely overwhelming after any brain insult.

The fact that she's awake, alert, talking, and recognizing people 9 days post op is a great sign. Take heart from that and keep up the hope that her progress stays that rapid.

[Clinton Crusader]

29. Thank you for this, great great advice.....

[Clinton Crusader]

26. Thank you all of you, this is why I love you guys

All so supportive.

We all may not agree on everything all the time, but when one has a problem, we all have a problem.

Thank you all so much for the advice.

I will give time and follow all the adivce given to me by friends, here, family, doctors and give it time. She been through an awful lot and it will take time.

Thank you.

[datadiva]

34. Thats really sad for you at this time of the year

Best wishes for you and your mom. But please remember you need to take care of you too.

[Clinton Crusader]

42. Everyone keeps saying that..

I cancelled rads all last week, because I was a complete neurotic and scared, but Im going this week. I have no rads Christmas Eve or Christmas, and I may take off the 26th and 27th to be with my mom, they just tack it on the end of your treatment.

[Habibi]

27. I don't have any advice

but I'd just like to give you several of these: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Clinton Crusader]

33. awww, come on, Habibi, you're gonna make me cry

Thank you....O8)

[Habibi]

37. Hey, now.

Big girls don't cry. :P :pals:

Seriously, my heart goes out to you. You have some big-ass shit to be dealing with at the moment. May it all be well, may you and your mom be healed. To next December, with both of you laughing together about *this* December! :toast:

[Clinton Crusader]

41. You set aside a beer and Ill have one with you!

:toast: :party: :toast:

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

30. My Dad had brain surgery nearly three months ago.

He's done much better than your Mom although he's had aweful seizures and, he will die from this cancer within a couple years.

All I can advise is this: give up any control over the situation and give as much comfort as possible (to yourself, MOSTLY).

I would also refer you to all those sites, out there, on death and dying. The fact is, you and I have to deal with the dying and death of loved ones, as care-givers. So, let go of controlling the "life" of your Mom and focus upon building the strength you need to acquire as a survivor of her illness.

:hug:

[Ahpook]

40. I would hope that over time..

she will heal and everything will start to clear as the doctor's mentioned.

I glimmer of hope for you. My brother was in a car accident and had what was described as a "brain shear" He was saying things very similar. He would ask about our dad and how is he doing. Our dad had passed a few years prior. Mostly random things like that. But over time he started to get these memories back as he healed.

Anyway, i don't know if it was right or not at the time but i simply agreed with some of his notions. It just seemed to me a bit to much to explore.

I wish the best for you :)

[LMG]

43. I am so sorry

I had emergency surgery last summer
I had a bleeding Aneurysm of the Abdominal Aorta
I was in Intensive care for 4 days thought I was
on a river boat in Florida
The Doctors told my daughter i was doing great
she thought i had lost my mind and she was very upset
She would come to visit and i would say oh your here for the wedding
My daughter would say your in the hospital Mom
I was in a nursing home for 2 weeks
had some crazy thoughts but learned to keep quite
Its been 6 months and i am much better my memory is still a little weak
I will light a candle for your Mom
and i will keep you in my thoughts

[Clinton Crusader]

45. How interesting.....

Is this a hospital thing or a intensive care thing? Someone did mention that to me somewhere down the line, that people that have brain surgery or spend time in ICU have crazy thoughts or can develop something called ICU Psychosis where they can imagine all kinds of things or think crazy things. My mom even said to me today oh they're bringing in my tea. Now, she's on a feeding tube because she failed the swallow test, she can't have food or water.

She was insisting the drs. told her was going home tomorrow, it was all arranged. And she was saying in ICU she was going home. She thinks the dog is dead, my dad's alive, but can rattle off her birthday, address, and social secuirty number like no one business.

It's all so bizarre. The brain is a scary little organ.

[arikara]

53. I wonder...

if as you say her mind is somewhat back in the past, that she might have had another dog named Max when she was younger and isn't thinking of the one she has now. She may not be quite as confused as you think and may just need to regain the last year or so.

My daughter had a head injury when she was a child and made a remarkable recovery in spite of all the doctor's pessimism. I tend to disagree with those who are saying not to tell her about your father, unless of course it is causing her too much distress every time you tell her. I would tend to quietly and gently remind her that he is gone as #1 it is the truth, and #2 after the second or 10th or 20th reminder, it may twig something and she may remember. The most important thing is to never show frustration with her and always do your best to keep it quiet and low key. If you need to scream which believe me may happen, quietly leave the room and do your screaming where she can't hear you. The emotions of people with brain injuries can be all over the place and they can be very difficult for awhile.

You have a lot on your plate my dear. I wish you the best and send you strength and energy to cope with it all. Hugs.

[MiniMe]

60. Look up ICU Psychosis, it happens a lot

ICU is an intense experience, and it is easy to get disoriented, especially right after brain surgery. It often clears up.

A few links for you:

http://www.medicinenet.com/icu_psychosis/article.htm

http://icupsychosis.org.uk/whatis.html

There is also something called sunset syndrome, which my Dad had. He was fine during the day, but once it got to bedtime, he would get really confused and disoriented. It was towards the end of his life, and he was sleeping downstairs and on oxygen. He needed to stay downstairs because he was not steady on his feet. One time, he came upstairs in the middle of the night without his oxygen. My mother asked him what he was doing up there, and went down to get a portable oxygen tank. He thought my mother was crazy. Needless to say, I got a phone call in the middle of the night from a very upset mother. I think this happens quite often to older people, when my mother got in touch with the doctor, the doctor knew right away what it was. I would imagine that right after brain surgery, and being in ICU, her brain could be a little jumbled.

:hug: :hug: to you. Just try to remember that she just had major surgery and it sometimes takes the brain a little while to heal.

[TomInTib]

47. I drowned when I was 13.

Flat-lined.

When they brought me out of an induced coma, I didn't even recognize my Mother. All I knew was that my name was Tom.

Two years later I left the Texas Institue of Rehabilitation and Research with my memory and knowledge pretty much intact.

I'm sending healing vibes out my window right now.

[Breeze54]

49. OMG! Hugs for you both!!

:hug: :hug:

My mom got really confused early on in her Alzheimer's and thought my Dad was an intruder!!

They had been married about 43 (?) years at the time...

We tried to console her but she was so confused and in and out of reality it became moot.

But that isn't what your going through, so I'm not sure how you should handle it.

I guess, I wouldn't push it just yet and give it time.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

[flashl]

50. Sending good vibes to you and your family.

[Ilsa]

51. My sister-in-law was 21 when she had her first aneurysm and lost

memories of her baby girl and couldn't speak. Her self-help skills were terrible as well. She had to learn to read all over again. It was a horribly traumatic experience for her and wrecked her life. But some of her memories and skills returned after alot of work.

Please don't expect too much at first. Give her time to heal and remember the last year. There may be emotional trauma, and possibly other changes that are temporary or permanent. Her doctor can help you understand what to expect.

Blessings to her and you as you both deal with this.

[shireen]

56. thinking of you and mom ....also, thanks for some wonderful responses in this thread

There are so many amazing posts in this thread. It's times like this that we see the best of DU, the remarkable people who speak with deep empathy. compassion and wisdom. We're very fortunate to have you.

[dailykoff]

57. Oh that's gotta be rough.

Why not just roll with it and don't bring up the sad stuff until after Christmas. It's gonna be weird but why make her life hard. Or tell her that dad got carried off by the little people and when she's ready to figure it out she will.

[laylah]

59. ...

:hug: Clinton Crusader. I am so very sorry to hear of this. How disturbing and upsetting it must be for you. I have no advice but plenty of :hug: and prayers.

[lonestarnot]

62. Man hang in there.

There is so much that we do not know about the brain. It is very resilient, so do not despair. I can tell you need a giant :hug: so here you go. :hug: Please take care of yourself. :hug: :grouphug: