The religious right organization the American Family Association thinks Kohl's is banning the word Christmas because Kohl's doesn't remind us it is Christmas often enough for the AFA's liking. They have a
letter writing campaign going against Kohls, and so I accepted the AFA's request and wrote this letter to the CEO of Kohls.
Dear Chairman Montgomery,
Those of us here at the American Family Association are offended that you would wish us happy holidays. We do not want to be happy on the holidays Mr. Chairman, we want to be pissed off. We want to spend our Christmas complaining about how all stores should be required to drill into every customer's head that it is Christmas. It is just possible that despite the Christmas Trees and the holly and green and red decorations all around the store, someone just may forget it is Christmas if you don't scream it in their ear.
We here at the American Family Association love Jesus. But we are not talking about that damn long-haired hippie that walked around in sandals and a robe talking about peace and helping the poor and all that commie nonsense. No, we are talking about the real Jesus. We are talking about Republican Jesus.
Republican Jesus doesn't get into all that peace and helping the poor crap. No Republican Jesus is a bad ass. If he don't like you he will claim you are holding Weapons of Mass Destruction so he can then justify bombing your home. Then if you survive the bombing then Jesus really gets pissed and he waterboards you. That is what the Jesus we worship at the American Family Association does. You don't get all that socialist crap about helping the poor from our Jesus, our Jesus wants people to deny the poor welfare and leave tens of millions of people to suffer without health care. That is our Jesus, and we are going to hide behind our Jesus when you start launching the war on Christmas on us.
We may be too afraid to fight the war in Iraq that we so enthusiastically support ourselves, but we are brave enough to boldly send other people to die for us. While we are not brave enough to hide behind a rock while bullets fly by us in Iraq, but we are more than brave enough to be soldiers in the war on Christmas who bravely hide behind Jesus as the word "Holidays" is launched at us. That makes us really brave, and shows we really understand the true dangers that face America.
I must be able to hear the word Christmas at least four-hundred times a day during this season, and because of your politically correct don't want to offend anyone nonsense you utter the offensive words "Happy Holidays". Those are the words of the devil, and I don't think I could be anymore offended. How dare you wish people happiness in the holiday season?!
So scream "Merry Christmas" into our ears over and over and over and over again because despite the hundreds of billions spent on Christmas every year we just don't get anymore than Christmas trees everywhere you look, packed stores, constant Christmas themed ads, holly all over the place, and with a large majority of Americans celebrating we still have nothing better to complain about than how Christmas is not rubbed into our faces enough.
So please remind me it is Christmas. Otherwise I might forget. I am a Republican afterall, you can't expect me to remember very much unless it is one of those talking points you drill into my head over and over. Please remember us Republicans never evolved like those Darwinists did, we are still the same people we were in the stone age. We haven't flip flopped since the days we really did live in caves, and we are never going to realize how stupid we look. We are going to keep bringing this issue up year after year, because us Republicans are focused on the distractions that make us look away from what we are doing to the country.
Sincerely,
Pat Robertson
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