The drunk blond at Thanksgiving dinner.

[cali]

I went to a large thankgiving dinner at the home of good friends. There were over 30 of us. It was a pretty Vermontish thing. The house is a remodeled old farmhouse high on a hill (you have to walk up about 20 stone steps to the door) overlooking a pond and farmland, with deep woods behind. People were dressed in everything from jeans to long skirts. The occupations of the guests were varied; farmers, an artisan cheesemaker, a lawyer, a large animal vet, architect, newspaper editor, college students, high school students, filmaker and more.

One friend, a very reserved and lovely guy in his late thirties, brought his new girlfriend: She stood out. She was dressed in high heeled suede boots and a tight skirt, lots of makeup and a form fitting stretchy top. Her hair was dyed platinum blond.

I'm not sure if she was smashed when she got there, but it became wildly obvious that she was smashed within a very short time. We weren't sitting at the same table, but it was hard to ignore her presence; she was talking at the top of her voice, telling everyone how much she loved them and laughing at things only she found funny.

After dinner, we all gathered to play charades, and that's when her behavior really escalated: she took to hopping on available male laps- particularly the laps of teenagers and her hostesses husband's lap. When it was her turn to perform in Charades, she attempted a sexy dance that ended with her writhing on the floor. I have to note right here that not one person snickered at her or was anything but kind. Still it was fairly embarassing- particularly for her boyfriend.

A few minutes later I ran into her coming out of the bathroom; I stopped her and asked; "Are you OK?" She burst into tears. I ushered her into a little study and she told me that she'd lost her son in a car accident just about a year ago. I spent an hour with her. She was in horrible pain. She talked about her child and how extraordinarily close they were, and how terribly angry she is at him.

I made this snap judgement about someone- I daresay I wasn't the only one there to do it. I'm sure I'll do it again, but I'm going to try and remember what happened yesterday.


* I posted this in the lounge, and someone there suggested I cross post it here. I also want to add that this woman's surviving child is serving in the Navy in the Persian Gulf.

[MADem]

1. You can't always judge that book by its cover, now, can ya? nt

[SharonAnn]

2. Thank you for posting this. Behavior is sometimes hiding great pain. It's important

to remember this. And you're right, we often forget.

[K8-EEE]

3. I'm glad she found some lovely, kind folks like yourself

to have thanksgiving with.

Your story makes me re-examine my own attitude towards an acquaintance = she acts like the biggest bimbo and I'm sure there's some kind of backstory there, since you can almost feel the sadness and desperation. I have to admit it never occured to me to ask her if she was OK.

[hlthe2b]

4. I wonder if she didn't give you an opening....

to talk with her candidly at a later date.... While I'm sure a lot of her behavior was compensation and insecurity, someone probably should do her the favor of tactfully advising her to tone it down just a bit. Your compassion, may have been that opening. Just a thought.

As one who is also guilty of "first impressionitis" it is a good reminder that things are not always as they seem.

[cali]

6. I suspect

that she won't be with my friend for long. And she lives about 50 mles from where I live. She did ask for my phone number, and i did give it to her. I know she's seeing a psychiatrist, and she definitely needs more help than I could possibly give her.

[hlthe2b]

15. Good that she's getting help... and good on you for being there

for her.

[Mz Pip]

5. People handle loss

in many different ways. There is nothing in the book that says you have to cope appropriately. We sort of expect people who are grieving to be sad and depressed but that is not always how it works out. It sounds like she is masking her grief with alcohol and overly flamboyant behavior because anything else just hurts too much.

I can sort of relate to what she's doing. My Dad died suddenly when I was 19 and after the initial crying and sadness my behavior became quite out of character. A period of making bad decisions and acting out occurred.

It was good for her to be able to let out some of her true sadness and anger with you.

Mz Pip
:dem:

[flashl]

7. Thank you for sharing and your compassion. nt/

[sandnsea]

8. Yeah, first impressions

By the end of your first paragraph, I was pretty sure I wouldn't want to spend a holiday with you and your friends. By the time you said charades, I was fairly sure of it. Then you said you were nice to the riff-raff, and well that changed everything.

[cali]

11. do we sound that insufferable?

We're really a rather benign and accepting lot, and a pretty divers mixture of people from different social backgrounds.

[Bozita]

9. Sometimes just listening is the best medicine.

Good on you, Cali!

[Faygo Kid]

10. Certainly a memorable Thanksgiving

Your compassion was admirable and appropriate, but I can't help but wonder about the "reserved and lovely guy" who placed her in that situation - did he inquire about her during that hour you were her sounding board? Perhaps he indeed had reason to be embarrassed, but it wasn't because of her behavior - it was because of his, both towards her and in the awkward situation in which he placed a couple dozen other guests for Thanksgiving.

[cali]

13. He was very attentive to her but she kept pushing him away

very publically. He's a retiring kind of sort. I don't think he had any idea that she was as fragile as she is, and this actually was at his sister's house. He honestly didn't do anything wrong. He was really patient about the whole thing. And yes, he came in while I was talking with her and stayed after I left. Unfortunately, that still wasn't the end of the night.

[JVS]

22. "Unfortunately, that still wasn't the end of the night"

Then what happened?

[cali]

24. he wanted to take her home

and she didn't want to leave, so she went back out and started up with the false merriment again. We finally convinced her it was time to go home, and that the party was coming to a close.

[Mike03]

12. Very Poignant

Glad you posted this. I've also seen situations like this, where some deep hurt incited behavior that others found appalling, but when the information became known, it completely neutralized the situation.

How did you have the courage to ask her if she was okay?

[cali]

14. It didn't take courage

I couldn't have not asked. It seemed clear to me that she was, if nothing else, terribly drunk and acting strangely.

[snot]

16. Great story. It takes all kinds, yet what we have in common matters most. nt

[Buns_of_Fire]

17. You did good.

The Season to be Jolly is also a Season for Acceptance and Forgiveness, lest we forget what it's supposed to be about in the first place.

[Disturbed]

18. Thanks for posting a valuable lesson for us all.

I am still pondering about it.

[Rhiannon12866]

58. K&R. I'm still pondering this too. Probably will be for quite awhile.

I almost didn't read this because I'm also blonde and get so sick of comments about "dumb blondes." *sigh* But I'm awfully glad that I did. It contains a lot of lessons about judgment and people that I probably haven't even discerned yet. :-)

[Gregorian]

19. That's just stunning.

Oh my god.

But you asked. You had the presence of mind to actually ask. This is crucial.

We all prejudge. But to step back and rethink, and be logical, is not something one sees very often. I value that, highly. It's part of what makes us progressive.

As an aside, I think there is something extremely important to note here. It's how we process those things that affect our lives. I have found that especially in this western culture, there is a lack of insight. An absence of care, and common sense. We take what we see, and deal with it. Drugs and alcohol. Violence and other social disorders. I don't see where we really truly take the time and energy to ask why. We have entire commercial infrastructures designed to take advantage of these situations. It's almost as if there is an industry that thrives from social disorder.

Remember the shootings at our schools. I do not feel as though I'm posting something far removed from your post, regardless if this was a simple party, and some outlandish behavior.

I feel for her. And all of those who suffer without anyone asking why. We could all learn to communicate and care. Then we can learn the truth. And then we can help each other.

Thanks.

[Katherine Brengle]

20. Great post, thank you for that.

I've definitely been one to act out in some ridiculous ways to get through pain.

[PCIntern]

21. Neat story, cali!!! Thanks! n/t

[ljm2002]

23. Nice story, Cali...

...it was good of you to ask about her.

It is so easy to forget -- especially when someone is obviously drunk, and over (or under :->) dressed, and just plain acting out -- so easy to forget our common humanity. And so much better not to.

[Jade Fox]

25. You're very kind, Cali......

Having someone listen to her is probably exactly what she needed but didn't know how to ask for. :thumbsup:

[barbtries]

26. omigawd i feel so bad for her

not only did she lose a child but she must be in constant terror of losing the other. constant. i know from the experience of losing my daughter that for the first few years, "fun" is something you practice, not something you do, or have. if only everyone had your compassion. enough to just get a tiny glimpse of how much courage it took for her just to walk in the door and be around people who are happy. it is a shame that she got drunk and made a fool of herself but i cannot judge her because i just want to hug her.

[cali]

27. I'm sorry for your loss of your daughter.

I think she's trying to lose herself in constant "fun" fueled by alcohol from what I've since learned. So damn sad. And everyone there was kind to her and accepting despite not knowing for much of the time why she was acting the way she was.

[barbtries]

28. i think you're right

she may be an alcoholic. earlier you said she's seeing a psychiatrist; i hope it's an expert on grief. a grief group like compassionate friends might be a great resource for her. i hope she gets the help she needs. if she's an alcoholic that's another monster to fight but the drinking will only put the grief off for so long, because the grief will have its way. there is nothing bleaker than losing a child, nothing worse in life than to survive and bury your own child.

[cali]

29. she is in a a compassionate friends group

as a matter of fact she's in a group with a relative of mine who also lost a child in the same way- though that was 4 years ago, and she's made great strides in gaining some peace. I hope the woman I met Thanksgiving can find a little peace too. I can't imagine losing my kid and I can't imagine how I'd handle it.

[lonestarnot]

30. She shouldn't be drinking as alcohol increases depression. One second at a time.

[cali]

31. that's easy to say.

I know that, but I haven't lost a child. she probably knows it as well. It's so easy to tell people what to do. and really, your comment is in opposition to the point of my post about not being judgemental.

[lonestarnot]

33. It is you who admitted to being judgmental. I was trying to help the poor woman, hence one second

at a time. Sometimes you make me sick.

[cali]

34. thank you so much for adding so much to this thread.

I was trying to convey that we often don't know why people act as they do, and jump to conclusions based on behavior without considering why someone is acting in a certain way. I didn't display that I was uncomfortable with the behavior exhibited in word or deed- and that's why I was able to reach out to her.

I fail to see how on earth you think you could have been helping this woman, by posting some judgemental banality on this thread.

And you further demonstrated your own willingness to be judgemental by personally attacking me.

[lonestarnot]

35. I read, understood and recommended the fucking thread.

Stating that she should not be drinking as it increases depression is not judgmental. It is a fact. It was you who attacked me. I stand on my position with regard to alcohol. She was already drunk though so I guess you weren't able to reason with her. So why bother martyring yourself for getting her through a few more seconds. I would suggest that it is you who needs to examine your own motivation for posting the thread.

[cali]

37. I wasn't trying to reason with her

I was simply trying to be there and listen. simple as that. As I mentioned this woman has a psychiatrist and attends a group for parents who have lost children. I know for a fact that there's a focus on such things as not using alcohol as a crutch in grief counseling. I'm hardly martyring myself. I've said repeatedly most people would have done what I did, and that every person there was kind to her despite not knowing about her personal tragedy.
Sorry I found your comment about how she shouldn't be drinking fascile and judgemental; I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, but that would have been the last thing I would have told her.

[redwitch]

69. Peace brother. Or sister.

You are taking this in a totally unexpected direction. Are YOU ok?

[Matariki]

53. "Sometimes you make me sick"

is that really appropriate?

[Tellurian]

41. You have a great heart, cali..

you look for the good in people and I bet you're good company. Good company is always worth seeking.There is nothing like a fellowship of clever well informed people who have a great deal of conversation and a liberality of ideas who won't be so quick to judge another when faced with unfamiliar circumstances.

Losing a child is one of the most unforgettable, debilitating experiences one can go through. I hope to never experience such pain. I'm getting the feeling this woman is somehow filled with guilt and it is the guilt that is driving her actions. Not unusual for someone using alcohol to numb the pain.

Good on ya, cali.

[Highway61]

32. Good post Cali

I know first hand how it is to lose a child. You are forever changed....often not for the good.

[frogmarch]

36. Thanks, cali

I'm going to remember this story. It served as an important lesson for many of us, I think, including me. Maybe especially me.

What you did was wonderful.

[cali]

38. you know, it really wasn't like I did anything

special at all. Thanks for saying it, but I didn't do much at all.

[OzarkDem]

39. Nice of you to talk to her

She probably appreciated the opportunity to unburden all her troubles. What a horrible year she has had, the pain of losing a child and having another at risk must be terrible. I hope this year is better for her.

[Le Taz Hot]

40. Your story brought to mind

an incident in college. I was singing with a choral ensemble and in walks a young lady dressed in a boy's brown suit, red tie and red high tops. She had her hair died REALLY black and wore bright red lipstick. I said to myself, "I simply MUST know this person!" So after rehearsal I went up and introduced myself. She turned out to be one of the most interesting, intelligent, funny persons I've ever known and we were friends for many years.

Your lesson was a valuable one. Luckily, I learned it a long time ago -- I think because I was always the "odd" one -- still am. But daring to befriend those that look or dress or talk or act differently can only enlarge your world. I know it has mine.

[cali]

45. yes. I understand what you're saying and I've never judged

people solely by what they wear or how they look. Hell, I used to dress much like the friend you're talking about and one of our good friends at that dinner is transgender. So that wasn't really the lesson here, but I agree it's a valuble one- and one I learned in elementary school when I became friends with a kid who was shunned by most of the other kids. This was about behavior- and part of that behavior was the seductive clothes she chose to wear, but most of it is was about the way she acted, particularly with boys as young as 13. It was very inappropriate and painful to watch. And I'm really glad that I had the opportunity to find out more about her than that behavior suggested.

[Le Taz Hot]

47. I just think it's important not to

judge people too quickly regardless of whether it is odd behavior or odd appearance. The life lesson remains the same. Prejudgment only reduces people's world and missed opportunity is always a sad thing.

[Madam Mossfern]

50. While I applaud you on your sensitivity

I wonder why no one interceded when she was acting inappropriatley with young boys.

[cali]

52. I think we all knew those particular kids well enough to know

they'd handle things just fine- and to an individual they did. And if things had gone further, we would have taken it in hand. Zak, who's 13, just gave her a hug and said he wanted to go get a glass of water. The only one who let her stay on his lap for any length of time was my son, who's 21, and he just kept trying to talk quietly to her. They're an unusual bunch of kids.

[H2O Man]

42. It often takes

more than booze to make a person "drunk." Thank you for a reminder of the need for compassion in our daily lives.

[watercolors]

43. Very thoughtful of you Cali

there are so many out there who have to mask their pain. It is wonderful when one takes the time and effort to understand a person and see beyond the make up. Thank You! Need more people like you in this world.

[leftofthedial]

44. did you happen to get her phone number?

[cali]

46. I did. exchange phone numbers with her

and I hope to hook her up with some really good people I know who live in her area.

[leftofthedial]

51. "really good people"

I guess that lets me out then. LOL

[UTUSN]

48. Stephen COVEY made a fortune off of moments like this: "change of paradigm"

These moments have always existed: Our perception of something turns out to be wrong, giving us a jolt when we find out the background. COVEY made it sound like he himself had "discovered" something and gave it gimmicky name.

[Andrea]

49. Wow.

I first read your post last night and it took my breath away. I'm glad to have a chance to read it again this morning.

There is an abundance of meaning in what you wrote and I think it will be worthwhile for me to contemplate this
for quite awhile. The responses from others have been interesting as well.

The primary aspect of your post that I want to focus on right now is our common humanity. We all present some picture of
ourselves to the world. No matter how open any of us are, we can never possibly show the world all that lies within us.
Many are trying desperately to conceal what is inside. And there are all degrees between. I hope not to make assumptions
based on the limited snapshot of another's essence that is available to me. I want to remember that the questions I ask are
more important than the statements I make.

Your simple question, "Are you okay?" made all the difference to the blond woman, yourself, the others at the party, those who were lucky enough to read this post, and most fortunately, me. Thanks for posting this.

I wish I could have spent Thanksgiving with your group.

[SaveOurDemocracy]

56. Beautifully stated, Andrea ...

The primary aspect of your post that I want to focus on right now is our common humanity. We all present some picture of ourselves to the world. No matter how open any of us are, we can never possibly show the world all that lies within us.
Many are trying desperately to conceal what is inside. And there are all degrees between. I hope not to make assumptions
based on the limited snapshot of another's essence that is available to me. I want to remember that the questions I ask are
more important than the statements I make.

[midlife_mo_Jo]

71. Message of the week. No, month. Make that message of the year.

Thank you.

[SaveOurDemocracy]

54. Pain and loss is often intensified at this time of year.

This post serves as a reminder to us all to be accepting and compassionate of those we meet along the road.

Cali, the fact that you had the heart, and took the time, to reach out says much about how you live your life. btw ... I don't think you and your friends sounded insufferable in the least. I would have been delighted to share the fun, food, and conversation with such an interesting mix of people. :hi:

[codjh9]

55. Bizarre story - but we all do different things when grieving/angry/sad... I've lost

my oldest brother, dad and mom, in that order, in the past 6 years, and it's very hard. About the only thing I've found to do is to pull closer to your remaining family - in my case, cousins and a few surviving aunts/uncles. (My other brother is a brainwashed fundamentalist, which is a whole 'nother story entirely).

[cali]

57. oh man, i'm so sorry. that must be hard.

glad you have family you feel close to. from what i gathered this woman doesn't have any family that she's close to.

[Liberal_in_LA]

59. Haughty co-worker got tipsy at a office holiday party...turns out her marriage was breaking up.

[Darth_Kitten]

60. That's very sad........

can only imagine her depth of pain. :(

You're a sweetheart for showing her some understanding and compassion.

[Kajsa]

61. She was drinking to forget, Cali.

It seldom works, although it provides a temporary reprieve from painful memories
that come rushing back before sobering up.

I speak from experience, here.

Thank you for caring, taking the time to listen and understanding
this young women. She needed a friend and you were there for her.

:pals:

[Ellen Forradalom]

62. Behavior is always purposeful...

..however obscure that purpose may be. I am glad you had the chance to bring her some comfort.

[upi402]

63. Things are often not what they seem

I have a built-in forgetter too. I try my best, and retry as needed, to not judge another human being.
I've lost the plot where it comes to Republicans who still support the current regime, however. I'm done with those sub-humans.

[deutsey]

64. Something I've re-learned lately myself. Thanks for posting. n/t

[Iris]

65. Thanks for posting this. It's given me a lot to think about.

What a kind and simple thing you did - just asking someone if she was ok. Wow. Powerful.

[dogindia]

66. can't recommend cause it to late but I am kicking.

Bless her.

[ShaneGR]

67. Aside from the background info on her, my family gets TRASHED for holidays

For as long as I can remember the adults get smashed, and I've gladly joined in once I was of age. We have these big family get togethers, and most everyone hasnt seen each other since last holiday season, so if we didn't drink I think it would be a rather stressful occasion. Christmas is the best, throw out the egg nog and bring on the vodka!

[cali]

68. hey, it sounds like fun. please don't think

I was criticizing people drinking during the holidays. Our Thanksgiving wasn't exactly sans alcohol.

[Poiuyt]

70. Slightly OT, but that sounded like an incredibly interesting Thanksgiving party

What an amazing mix of people.

And thank you for posting the story.

[KoKo]

72. OMG! Thanks for this Calli! It sounds like a PBS "Masterpiece Theater" Production

where we all could be involved in an Agatha Christie Mystery... Intriguing.....YES!

[Truthiness Inspector]

73. Good story and a good reminder.

I once knew a young woman I thought was a total "B" word. Just a sour, negative attitude about life. Then I found out from someone else she had recently immigrated from Rwanda and almost her entire family had been hacked to death right before her eyes. All things considered, she had a GREAT attitude considering what she'd been through and that she was trying to build a new life. Perspective is amazing.

[Rex]

74. At least you realized you made a snap decision and corrected the

action. Good for you. Poor lady. :(

[Raine]

75. A good reminder

THANK YOU for posting it.

[AZBlue]

76. You did a wonderful thing!

I'm sure the holidays are hard for her and putting on a brave face obviously wasn't the solution. It was very kind of you to reach out to her!