Do you know any people like this??

[skypilot]

I have a friend who I've know for a couple months. I enjoy hanging out with him and he's generally a decent guy, but there is one thing that bugs the hell out of me about him: he almost never asks me questions about myself. I find myself volunteering information but he never asks any follow-through questions. For example, if I mention the time that I lived in North Carolina he won't--like most people would--ask questions like, How long did you live there?, What was it like there? Did you like it?, etc. He'll just kinda nod and we move on from there. We've hung out at my apartment a couple times and he shows no curiousity about the books on my bookshelf, the music I listen to, the DVDs I own, the drawings and photographs on the walls, etc. This isn't someone I'm romantically involved with or interested in, just a friend. But despite this weird thing about him I really like him. He's fun enough to hang out with but I can't help but notice this other dimension that is lacking in our friendship. I've even talked to him about it and he's apologized for it but that hasn't changed anything. What do you make of a person like this? Have you ever known anyone like this?

[The Straight Story]

1. So...How long DID you live in NC?

:)

And I have known a few people like that over the years, but not for very long.

[skypilot]

6. I only lived there for a year...

...when I was a child.

I like this guy, oddly enough, and we do manage to have fun together despite how it might sound, but I don't know if we will be friends for very long.

[waiting for hope]

2. I can go one better -

Have you known anyone that was so taken with everything you did, that the level of copying became creepy and annoying? I'd start a personal project, like my genealogy, then they would start one, and tell me how to do it. I was trying to get pregnant, no, really! She did too! Anyway, your friend to me sounds like they lack empathy and is a tad bit on the narcissistic side. I wouldn't use that shoulder to cry on if you were in need. Good Luck!

On edit - sorry, I just saw Straight Story's post - did you like NC? On the coast or in the Mountains?

[skypilot]

10. I did like NC...

...but I wasn't there very long. I lived in a little town called Rocky Mount.

Anyway, my friend is a bit narcissistic and self-centered. I've even told him so. I can actually tell him things like that and he doesn't get upset. I think he doesn't mind as long as the conversation is about him.

[waiting for hope]

22. I know Rocky Mount!

My grandparents lived in Wilson and I have flown in there a few times. Little bitty airport. I'm in Wilmington, it's great being by the beach, it's just finding time to go! I'm glad you liked it, NC is a pretty nice state. I'd love to go to the Asheville/Mountain area one day, waiting for my kids to get a bit older.

[LeftCoast]

3. I guess I'm not seeing the whole picture

Does he talk about anything in depth? Or is it that he only talks about himself and doesn't seem interested in learning more about you?

[skypilot]

11. We do manage to have conversations.

It's not as though there are a lot of long awkward pauses when we hang out. But I do notice something lacking in his attention when the conversation comes around to something having to do with me personally. And like I said, he almost never asks questions.

[LeftCoast]

14. Sounds pretty self-centered

I can put up with that for a while, particularly if they're cute and entertaining, but eventually it wears thin.

Good luck!

[Zookeeper]

4. Yes.

The only thing I could guess was that they felt it was impolite to ask personal questions. And it is an unusual way to conduct a friendship, I think, but not necessarily bad if that quirk doesn't drive you nuts.

[Coexist]

5. sounds like he's just not into you.

Unless he is really shy or has a social anxiety, I would be wary.

Most people that want to become friends are actually interested in the people they hang out with. To show no interest, to me, says, "I really don't care about you, I just need something from you.

I wouldn't lend him any money or my vehicle.

[skypilot]

15. That would usually be my take on it but...

...it's actually not quite like that. I've known people like him who have turned out to be mooches and users. He's not a moocher or a user and is actually quite generous. He is also VERY affectionate, which is one of the things that first charmed me about him. He will actually squeeze the breath out of me when he hugs me. So, he's very free and giving with affection but for some reason he is very closed in this other area.

[renie408]

7. Sure. n/t

[Coexist]

8. .

:rofl:

[SmokingJacket]

9. Lots of people, actually.

My husband and I recently had a couple we like over for dinner. Afterward I pointed out to my husband that the whole evening was like we were interviewing them, or something -- not once did they ever ask about us or show any interest in us, not even just to be polite. Weird!

I think some people are just shy, and feel intrusive about asking about other people, or have some combination of this and just poor social skills. I think this is the case with the couple we invited over. They were kind of caught up in their own world and didn't know how to crack out of it.

Other people like this are just plain sociopaths. With these people, you'll sometimes see them acting normally, asking you a few rote questions, but you can see by their eyes that they don't give a crap about what you're saying, and they won't remember it for more than a minute.

In either case I think it's hard to have a deeper relationship with these people. I've put lots of time into people who fit into the no-social-skills category, because I like them, but the friendship stays shallow.

[raccoon]

24. IME too, Lots of people are like that.

My take on it is different from yours, however.

Usually, either they are self-centered and narcissistic, and/or aren't the least bit interested in you. Not to mention lacking in manners, in a situation such as you describe.

Like a ninny, I used to try to carry on a conversation with such people. Not any more. I'll try to find someone who's worth talking to.

[Horse with no Name]

12. I find nothing wrong with this

It sounds as if he may be very shy (or hiding something) and the more he asks you about yourself, it opens up to questions from you about him that perhaps he doesn't want to answer.:shrug:
I don't think it is technically a personality flaw.

[raccoon]

27. Hadn't occurred to me, but that certainly seems a possibility,

"he may be ...(or hiding something)"

[yella_dawg]

13. There are usually reasons for such disengagement.

Some of those reasons are troubling. One might be cautious with this individual until you're sure the detachment is benign and not an indicator of say, a psychopathic personality.

On the other hand, he may be introverted in a sense, and may "grow out of it" as the relationship matures.

[skypilot]

20. To Posts #9, #12, and #13

He is definitely NOT shy. In fact, one thing about him that really annoys me--and I've told him this--is that he is a bit too much of a social butterfly who seems to need an audience at all times. He is constantly introducing himself to people. I met him when he just walked up to me on the street and introduced himself. He'd seen me at a pub where we both hang out. So, he's not shy and I actually don't believe that he is a sociopath. I've had experiences with them and he isn't setting off any of those warning bells. But his behavior is strange to me.

[TahitiNut]

26. I'd probably wonder if he were narcissistic ... and if so, how much.

It's my experience that those who exhibit little or no sincere interest in others (excpet, perhaps, for entertainment value) are, at a minimum, inconsiderate. It often shows up when exchanging gifts (birthdays, etc.) when such people demonstrate zero comprehension of the individual tastes, interests, or preferences of the recipient. It shows up in suggested venues for socialization - restaurants, movies, etc. A generous and considerate person is interested in others, not for appearances sake but out of genuine appreciation for the humanity and individuality of others. It shows up in the little unconcious behaviors ... looking around when stopping to converse, just to insure that others aren't inconvenienced bu where they stand. Inconsiderate people block aisles, doorways, and sidewalks as they pursue their own transient interests, clueless about the ways in which others might be inconvenienced. So, I watch for such behaviors - where 'attaboys' and back-patting don't motivate the facade of virtue.

I would also question whether my discomfort were a product of my own narcissism. To some degree, we all like folks to think about us - and treat it as a quid pro quo. I don't like thinking I'm "keeping score" but am sensitive enough to it that I know that somewhere in my psyche I react to imbalance.


I sometimes think of "Bronx Tale" and the advice given to our protagonist, Calogero, by Chazz Palminteri's character, Sonny, about women that are 'real deal' ...

Sonny: Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in: dump her.
Calogero 'C' Anello: Just like that?
Sonny: Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.

For me, this is iconic of "considerate" ... not for the credit but out of true, innate consideration. It's what we do when nobody's watching. It's what we do when we have NO EXPECTATION of being thanked - or even having our behavior noticed. That's when it counts.

[skypilot]

32. He's actually...

...not inconsiderate in other ways and that makes this inconsideratenss on his part that much more obvious. And I do appreciate you last point. I react to that same imbalance but no with everyone and not equally. For some reason it just really bugs me with this guy.

[raccoon]

28. Well, he may not be a sociopath, but just remember, Ann Rule, the

true crime writer and former cop, knew Ted Bundy personally. Apparently, he didn't set off her warning bells, either.

[SmokingJacket]

31. Narcissist, then.

Though most relationships are lopsided to some extent, I don't think it's usual for a person in a friendship to display *no* interest in the other person. For many years I was the listening type and attracted a lot of people who just liked to talk about themselves, but, as I said, these friendships don't get very deep.

And, hm, in retrospect, most of the friendships I had like this eventually self-destructed. A narcissist needs more attention than most people can give, so they move on to fresh attention.

[mondo joe]

16. My asshole neighbor is a total narcissist. He has never asked me a

question about myself in several years of knowing each other and seeing each other frequently. He really only has one topic: Himself and how he feels about things that aren't himself.

Unfortunately for me, I adore his wife.

[A HERETIC I AM]

17. Perhaps he just doesnt know how...

Maybe he simply does not know how to converse this way.

I read that one of the reasons we grow to like or even love someone is how they make us feel about ourselves.

If you make him feel good about being him, perhaps he will open up and demonstrate a deeper desire for knowing you better.

[skypilot]

23. I'm pretty sure that...

...he feels pretty good about being him, and as I said in another post he actually does open up in other ways. He's extremely affectionate but, frankly, I'd trade a lot of that affection for a few genuine personal questions from him.

[RB TexLa]

18. I've been told I do that

I just don't pry.

[Andy Canuck]

19. Yep, kinda like talkin' to Dubya, but your friend sounds smarter.

My guess is it is a symptom of some form of disassociation. Be friends, but be careful.

[shadowknows69]

21. I'm like this a bit

and I think it's an unconscious personality trait more than anything intentional. It also doesn't mean that your friend isn't interested in these things he might just have trouble expressing his feelings about them or simply doesn't realize it might be important to you. I tend not to say much but I definitely take everything in and catalog it somehow, but I have problems concentrating on too many things at once so sometimes I just cast off what doesn't seem immediately pertinent. Does this make any sense to anyone?

[skypilot]

25. It makes sense to me...

...and if this is his problem I can live with it. When I first talked to him about this, I mentioned the fact that he didn't even seem to notice any of the drawings I'd done that were hanging right on the wall. He had in fact noticed them. He described one of them to me but I would have sworn he hadn't even noticed them.

[trackfan]

29. I'm one of those people.

What's weird is, I know, in my head, that the way you feel about it is pretty much what I would expect someone to feel, and indeed is what I would feel. It's nice to have other people take an interst in one's own undertakings.

Yet,I am that way because I am kind of shy, and can't help but fear that I would be perceived as overly nosy or intrusive. I really am just as curious and interested in someone as a person who asks a lot of questions is, but I just don't have it within myself to ask those questions without feeling like I was being some kind of creep.

[theboss]

30. He's a guy...we don't talk about stuff

I have a very good friend. We take bi-annual trips to Las Vegas together. We hang out a few times a month. We used to work together. I know a lot about him but if you asked me his favorite book, movie, tv show, or record, I would be clueless.

I honestly don't even know his exact age. It has never come up in six years of friendship.

Come to think of it, this might be an indictment of me.

The guys I know a lot of stuff about are either guys I grew up with or guys I lived with in college.

I know EVERYTHING about my female friends on the other hand.

[skypilot]

33. You are SO indicted.

:)

[DemBones DemBones]

34. That's what I was thinking -- he's a guy and guys

don't do small talk.

[bbgrunt]

37. my brothers are both like that--even with family. I always attributed

it to a feeling that if someone WANTED you to know something they would tell you without being asked. However, this kind of attitude really wears thin over time as it becomes a good cover for simple self-absorption and fear of being committed to anyone for anything.

[theboss]

39. You say that as if it was a bad thing

My gf and my mom knows me. That's enough.

[bbgrunt]

48. I didn't mean that to refer to you--your suggestion

that it might be related to gender caught my attention. My brothers are very much like my father who never volunteered any info or asked any questions. They, in turn, never really engage with the rest of the family although we have amicable relations, it always feels one-way. My sisters, like my mother are much more expansive and interactive.

So what I was saying was that, at least in my family, that tendency seems to be more of a male trait.

[Cessna Invesco Palin]

35. People are weird.

Everybody has their flaws. I have a friend who's a really good guy - very forthright, upstanding, truthful, and generous. But he's a pain in the fucking ass because he's intensely competitive (in everything) and doesn't deal well with not being in control of any situation. Now, this doesn't make him a bad person. It impacts the nature of our friendship, and for the reasons I stated he will probably never be exactly one of my closest friends. But he's a good person, and he tries to do the right thing, and that goes a long way with me.

[rucky]

36. some people just don't do chit-chat & small-talk. n/t

[Justitia]

38. It's rude. Polite inquiry is not intrusive, it's a sign of manners and consideration.

Like others have said, not to ask about innocuous, conversational things is impolite and it shows a complete disregard for your acquaintance.

You don't need to ask very personal questions, and the ones you suggested are excellent. I ask people all the time in conversation how they liked a particular place, whether it is a hometown or a vacation spot and then you look for a similar interest to chat about together.

I have a good friend who is the same way and our friendship has really deteriorated in recent years. It's tough to maintain the friendship when you feel like that person has no interest in you whatsoever besides how you can amuse them or flatter them.

I suspect this "friendship" won't last long. Don't worry, there are lots of good folks out there who will be interested in a genuine interaction.

[conscious evolution]

40. Some people live in

the past.
Some people live in the future.
Sounds like this guy lives in the present.

Not a bad place to be,actually.

[skypilot]

41. What?

*

[Catherine Vincent]

42. Just give him a slap on the butt one day.

That should loosen him up. :)

[skypilot]

43. Read Post #15

He's already quite "loose" in his way. He hauled off and kissed me on the lips once but I can't get the fucker to ask me a question.x(

[semillama]

44. I'm kind of like that too

One thing to consider is that maybe he never learned to ask these questions as part of conversation. I didn't, and it is something I have to actively think about to do, whereas with many people, they can just come out and say something. He in all probability has noticed all the things like the drawings, the books and the dvds, but it just doesn't occur to him that he should acknowledge it verbally. it could be that it doesn't make sense to him to do so - after all, he can see your books, so why ask what books you like to read?

I have plenty of friends and I doubt I could name any of their favorite novels. Heck, I don't know that I could name my wife's favorite novel. I can't even name mine!

it doesn't mean he's a bad person or you shouldn't be friends with him, it just means he's a different type of person.

I'm curious, why is it so important that he display deep interest in you? Why isn't it good enough just to hang out? Obviously he likes your company. Why not just accept that as a personality quirk and move on?

[skypilot]

45. It's not important that he display...

..."deep" interest, just that he display what I consider normal interest. I can see from this thread that he is not necessarily an anomaly but he is only the second person I've met who I've noticed this trait in and the first guy did turn out to be a jerk. I've just always taken it as a rule of thumb that a person who doesn't ask you questions isn't really friend or relationship material. I would have brushed this guy off but he does have other qualities that I like and this is a friendship that I feel I want to work at. He is the kind of person that I can't talk to about these things and he doesn't get defensive, but I was curious about other people's experience.

[Annces]

46. I think in the old days

way way back, people just got together and sat with each other, not saying much, just communing. But we don't do that anymore.

I know a lot of people who never ask you inquiring questions, for various reasons. It is a kind of nurturing to do that, and many people don't do nurturing. As for asking questions to just make conversation, I find people will do this just to find out what they want to know, and can be rude about it. However in a friendship, I think you need a mutuality, or else one person is constantly the giver.

[stirlingsliver]

47. Yeah...Now Let Me Tell You About ME

Of course I know people like that.

But enough about them

Let me tell you about me.

Some people say I am self-absorbed.

I'm not sure why -- or even what that means.

[alittlelark]

49. Narcissistic personalities behave in the same way.

They are charming, funny, cute, endearing.... all that good stuff.

They have learned how to do it because the ONLY thing that matters to them is THEM. They will alter behavior to garner praise and laughter, they will change whatever aspect of themselves that does not fit what they 'need to be' at that moment.

I have had a few as friends.... I am now on the look-out for them. If they feel backed into a corner in which they cannot 'change' they lash out in really weird and sometimes sick ways.