A modest proposal stolen from John Yoo

[Alcibiades]

Why have we not yet caught Osama bin Laden? Why is it that we are still fighting Al Quaeda in Iraq and the Taliban in Afghanistan, long after our fearless leader has declared mission accomplished? One reason might be that not enough captured insurgents/terrorists/malefactors have been giving up the goods during interrogation/torture. We are facing an ideologically and religiously committed enemy who will not stop until the death of the last American soldier, or until we all convert to Islam, whichever comes first. Therefore we need to be innovative in our interrogation techniques.

One idea comes from former Bush administration lawyer John Yoo, who has asserted unequivocally the idea that the President has the legal authority to crush the testicles of the sons of anyone who he thinks has information vital to our war efforts against the Islamofacists. Yet, so far, I have yet to hear of anyone who has actually had their children's' testicles crushed, or even if any threats to crush the testicles of children have been made! I therefore surmised that this is due to the lack of a proper testicle-crushing device. It makes sense--an implement such as a nutcracker or pliers seems ill-suited to the task, as they might fail to completely and utterly crush a child's testicles properly. The handles are apt to become slick with blood and testicle-pulp, making slippage inevitable.

For this reason, I have spent the two years since Yoo's comments devising a purpose-built testicle crusher, specifically designed to crush the testicles of the children of our enemies. In order to protect my pending patent, I will not post diagrams or even a complete description here, but suffice it to say that it is similar in operation to a garlic press. It is sized for boys age two to four, although the final version will be available in graduated sizes to accommodate testicles of all sizes.

My testicle-crusher has three innovative features that set it apart from other putative testicle-crushing devices:

1. A chamfered and knurled collet that will serve to hold the subject's testicles firmly in place. No more slippage! Yes, the machining involved greatly increases the cost per unit, but the increased certainty of thorough testicle crushing will mean greater peace of mind for all Americans.

2. Two handles that allow for the separate crushing of each individual testicle. This feature I regard as a major advantage, as it increased efficiency. Why crudely threaten to crush both testicles, when it may only be necessary to crush one of them? The dual handle and jaw design meant that the device will not have to be repositioned if the crushing of the other testicle is needed. Plus, independent crushing may result in the successful gathering of twice as much intelligence than from designs that would crush both testicles at the same time. This is also a humanitarian feature, which would spare some boys from the pain and suffering associated with going through life without their testicles. and also an humanitarian measure.

3. Perforations allow for the free flow of testicle slurry into a slurry chamber. Once collected, this material would be available to White House chefs, who could make it into a pate for consumption by the First family and their guests. Imagine the propaganda value that would come from our decider being able to say that he feasts regularly upon pate made from the testicles of our enemies!

Finally, America will be safe! And I will make a bundle, once I license my design for manufacture by Halliburton.