Chinese Execute Millions of Recalled Toys..

[Raoul]

September 24, 2007

BEIJING—In an attempt to assure the world's children that the millions of Chinese-made toys currently being recalled for containing toxic lead paint and tiny choking hazards can no longer hurt them, high-level Chinese officials announced Tuesday that millions of playthings are being rounded up and immediately put to death.
"We are committed to the well-being of children and putting the consumer's mind at ease," said Chinese president Hu Jintao at a press conference. "Boys and girls of the world, you need not worry. Your toys will be executed swiftly and harshly. When we are through, there will be nothing left to play with."
In the past six weeks, Mattel Inc. has recalled more than 20 million toys from China that are believed to contain lead paint and other safety defects, a situation that prompted the Chinese government to send People's Liberation Army forces into major industrial sectors to mercilessly slaughter any remaining items that have not been exported for sale overseas. So far, an estimated 9 to 10 million toys, from anonymous dolls and miniature cars to trademarked characters such as Thomas the Tank Engine, Curious George, and Big Bird have been reportedly kicked, smashed with rifles, shocked with electric batons, hanged, and pounded with nails, before having their ears severed and eyes gouged out, and then being shot.
Source: http://www.theonion.com/content/news/chinese_authorities_execute_10

An Army consisting of five regiments of GI Joe dolls attempted to stop the Communists from killing their allies. Unfortunately, the entire army was wiped out because it was trying to use toy guns against the Red Chinese Army which was equipped with real guns and live ammunition.

The United Nations decried the executions and took a vote on sanctions against Red China. After intense lobbying by the United States, the vote was withdrawn. The founder and president of FAMC (Fuck America’s Middle Class), Billy Bob Brainless from Alabama, applauded the U.S. action saying, “I am sick and tired of these commie, socialist countries who want to stifle economic growth and open market competition. They should just shut the hell up and let the global capitalistic marketplace determine which dolls should be executed.” When told that China was a Communist country he simply dismissed the claim saying that this was just some “more liberal bullshit intended to prevent people from making an honest buck”.

The popular Bratz dolls in America organized a national protest against the Chinese action by setting up picket lines in front of every Chinese restaurant in the States.

source for entire story:

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