Late Night Humor

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"President Bush had his annual physical. And next week, Vice President Dick Cheney will have his annual autopsy. ... The White House revealed that last year President Bush was treated for lyme disease. This disease is spread by ticks that burrow under your skin. You don't even know they're there. You know, kinda like a government wiretap." --Jay Leno


"President Bush has left for vacation and his poll numbers are going up. So, basically, people approve of the job he's doing more when he's not doing the job." --Jay Leno

"This week, the government announced a new operation to crack down on the hiring of illegals here in Los Angeles. It's called Operation You're Going To Have To Cut Your Own Lawn and Raise Your Own Kids." --Jay Leno

"The brand new president of the Young Republican National Federation, 33-year-old Glenn Murphy, has resigned after one month in office, after police say he is being investigated for performing an unwanted sex act on a sleeping man. Murphy defended himself by saying the act was consensual and he may have had just too much to drink at the time. Well, what guy hasn't done that after a couple of beers? ... See, there you go. The Democrats may talk a good game at the gay rights forum last night, but the Republicans are actually out there doing gay things." --Jay Leno


"When it comes to 2008 presidential candidates, I am strictly impartial. It does not matter if I'm covering an American hero like Fred Thompson or a money-grubbing, opportunistic Ken doll like John Edwards. It's not easy giving them all fair treatment, especially when the Democrats keep getting together and saying things. Already they have put on their dog and donkey show in New Hampshire, South Carolina and Chicago. That is an awful lot of public parks for Mike Gravel to be sleeping in. But there is something important missing from these debates, folks, and Rudy Giuliani knows what is is . Rudy has used the words 'Islamic terrorism' so many times, the phrase 'September 11th' is starting to get jealous." --Stephen Colbert


Daily Show correspondent Aasif Mandvi, asked if Mitt Romney's sons will get to come home from serving their country soon: "The good news is if their father keeps saying stupid s--- like this, then yes, yes they will"


"Presidential candidate Mitt Romney was asked to explain why none of his five sons are in the military and he said that his sons demonstrate their patriotism by going on the road and campaigning for him. Now there's a tough choice: Iraq, or Iowa?? "Fallujah or Cedar Rapids? Honey, what do you think?" --Jay Leno

"It was this week in 1974 that Richard Nixon resigned the presidency after getting caught lying and violating the Constitution. Remember when that kind of thing used to get you kicked out of office?" --Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, President Bush's father said he gets upset when people tell him his son is doing a bad job. Bush's dad went on to say, 'You'd think after 60 years I'd be used to it.'" --Jay Leno


more:

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/bldailyfeed3.htm