Rev. Ted Haggard is now 100% certifiably straight

[Zambero]

Praise the Lord! After the smashing success stories of how all those notorious pedophile priests were successfully rehabilitated through their church, it stands to reason that getting Pastor Haggard back in God's good graces would be nothing less than a "piece of cake"! It's time to put this whole sordid episode behind him, and have Teddy Boy do what he does best, which is to minister to the heathen sinner (namely, the type of degenerate that he once was but is no longer), and more importantly to fleece a flock in some state other than Colorado. Who said miracles never happen??

http://www.denverpost.com/ci_5164921

[CJCRANE]

1. Um...I doubt it .

Decades of behavior "cured" in three weeks seems unlikely.

[Ezlivin]

2. God has identified a security vulnerability and issued a patch

So after immersing himself in God/religion/church for 30 years he couldn't shake the lust for men, but a quick three-week rehab completely rewired his sexual desires?

Uh, why didn't he just do the three weeks 30 years ago and save his wife and family a whole lot of grief?

[youthere]

20. Speaking of patches..

I hear that Glaxo-Smith-Klein is working on a patch as well...it comes in varying strengths depending on the level of "gay" you have..that way you can find the "gay cessation" system that works best for you.

:sarcasm:

[PresidentObama]

3. He's a hypocrite.

The perfect mouth piece for religion.

[PDJane]

4. And I doubt that

The man could go straight if he wanted to. Good Lord. My 'gaydar' went off the first time I actually watched the guy on vid. (Please note that I have to go looking to find him......I gave up the TV years and years and years ago.)

[PsN2Wind]

5. Do you suppose the method used

was the one Bill Maher told Andrew Sullivan would be used on him. Maher told Sullivan they would "make him pray until he liked pussy".

[WorseBeforeBetter]

How did Sullivan respond to that gem? (n/t)

[Rosemary2205]

15. lol nt

[LibDemAlways]

6. He'd have been a lot better off if he had broken

his ties with the rw nutcases and sought therapy to understand his sexual orientation.

[Virginia Dare]

24. Not much money in that though..

he can go on his "I've been cured by Jesus" tour, and rake in the bucks now.

:hi: LDA!

[LibDemAlways]

33. Guess I forget for a moment that everything these

charletons do is in pursuit of the almighty dollar.

And, hi right back at ya! :hi:

[WorseBeforeBetter]

7. I can think of a few bars around DuPont Circle...

where he can get that "wound healed."

Wow, "cured" in three weeks - hallelujah! Look out MO and IA - lock up your women. Er, men?

On edit: What about the meth? I guess in the wacky world of fundamentalists, being gay trumps meth use.

[Ilsa]

8. I hope he doesn't try to "convert"

others who have had personal crises with sexual identity. I hope he can remain objective on that, but I have some doubts.

"Many of us that go into the healing, helping professions do so out of some sort of dysfunction or traumatic event in our lives, and we want to do what we can to help other people avoid what we've gone through," he said. "He is certainly gifted and intelligent and has an intuitive side to him. And he has life experience. Those are good credentials."

[pecwae]

9. From the article:

"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

Why Haggard chose to act out in that manner is something Haggard and his advisers are trying to discern, Ralph said.

'Acting out'?

[gatorboy]

10. It's true! You should see him in that Snicker ad.

[Benhurst]

11. PTL!

[LeftCoast]

12. I object to your comparison of pedophilia with homosexuality

They are fundamentally different things, though some pedophiles may prey on children of the same gender.

[Zambero]

36. I needed a sarcasm icon to put in better context.

But didn't have one handy. Sorry, no offense!

The point I was trying make is that give their own particular dogma, churches deem their various "rehabilitation" methods to be fully adequate toward "heal the sinner", when in reality they are a monumental flop. The "sin" in question may be a legitimate offense such as pedophelia, or in Haggard's case mere sexual orientation. Apples and oranges, to be sure.

[Lautremont]

13. Watch out, ladies!

The Tedster's on the prowl. Ooh! The rev like what he see! Gimme some of that, baby! Cut me a piece! Oh yeah!

Ugh.

[Norquist Nemesis]

14. Praise the Lord and Pass the Collection Plate!

"Ted Haggard: Touched by the Hand of God" Now available on DVD only $19.99 plus S&H!

[NewJeffCT]

17. LOL

I wonder how long until he breaks out into his version of "it's raining men"?

[Norquist Nemesis]

23. He whistles "He Touched Me" with special meaning these days

:evilgrin:

[knitter4democracy]

42. That was always one of our faves in college chapel.

:rofl: We could barely get through it.

"He touched me, ooooh, He touched me
And oooh, the joy that filled my soul.
Something happened, and now I knooooow,
He touched me, and maaaade me whole."

:rofl:

[wicket]

27. Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

:rofl:

[wicket]

16. Oh Ted, you can't deny the way God made you

Yes, God did make you gay, you are born that way, you can't deny your true self.

My oh my is this one severely fucked up man.

[annabanana]

18. YES, Ted. . Get that Masters in Psychology, Mr.. . .

"The Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur also said the four-man oversight board strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work instead of Christian ministry if Haggard and his wife follow through on plans to earn master's degrees in psychology"

Get back to us after.

Really. . .

[Ganja Ninja]

19. Fabulous!

:woohoo:

[Beetwasher]

21. And Soon Appearing In A Snickers Ad Near You!

n/t

[KansDem]

22. Does he still solicit prostitutes? Does he still want to buy illegal drugs?

These are the real issues here. If I did what he did, I'd been in jail!

[tridim]

25. And people wonder why I think organized religion is pure bullshit

The human brain is not a freaking 'left behind series' video game, yet the Church claims that deep seated behaviors can be turned on and off like a light switch. They are dangerous, and they are fools.

[Dorian Gray]

26. Okay.

:eyes:

Where did he get his "certificate of straightness?"

This is ridiculous. How long until another scandal rocks his church?

[lebkuchen]

28. How about we swap Haggard's homosexuality cure for Iran's herbal remedy for cancer?

Everybody wins! :)

[smoogatz]

29. The sad part--

fundies all over the country are nodding their empty little noggins and saying "Praise God, hallelujah. He's cured!"

[kdpeters]

30. I'll believe it when he gets caught getting high with FEMALE prostitutes.

[MiniMe]

31. He's Cured!!11!! This is Hugh!11!!!1 It's a Miracle!11!1!!!! n/t

[ljm2002]

32. Love the support they got...

...from the 4-man counseling team. Basically they urged them to move out of town (ain't Karma a b*tch!), and to stick to a "secular" line of work if, as reported, he and his wife pursue degrees in psychology (don't want none o' that thar book larnin' muddyin' our teachings).

If you click on the letter to parishioners of February 5 (http://www.denverpost.com/ci_5161070), you will see this really odd sign-off at the end of Ted's letter:

Ted Haggard

"We are Easter People."

Now that's just weird.

[formerrepuke]

34. He has seen the Glory! (hole)..............n/t

[ronnykmarshall]

35. Yeah .... but can he escape the power of ...

HYPNO JUDY !!!

[spanone]

37. This only proves how utterly stupid the right wing xtians thinks we are.

[eppur_se_muova]

38. Typo? Should be "Rev. Ted Haggard is now 100% certifiable" ?? nt

[aint_no_life_nowhere]

39. How much methamphetamine did it take to perform this miracle?

[Initech]

40. I think I know what you did last night!!!

That scene with him in Jesus Camp was fucking hilarious. :rofl:

[spanone]

41. Is there a certificate of straightness? What utter demeaning bullshit.

Only the truest of believers in the rev. will even consider considering this 'hogwash'.

[Pachamama]

43. Does he come now with a tattoo that certifies him "100% Straight"?

Just wondering....

:eyes: